Inside Out

We watched Inside Out at home the other week. I think I read in various places that it made people cry, but I was just enjoying the movie. We had DP's youngest son here and I think Suzy wanted to be with us as well, so we watched as a little family. It was nice to watch it together, even though I think we had to watch the Dutch spoken version.
We have not yet seen Frozen. But my shoulder still is frozen. I've been given diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory painkiller (NSAID). It is commonly known as being bad for your stomach, so I've got a stomach protector as well. Reading the small print reveals that NSAIDS can break your luteal phase and the other stuff is used for helping miscarriages along (when taken vaginally). Which should be of no concern for me given my postmenopausal status, but it still makes me sad. And I suspect makes my stomach much more susceptible for bugs or other misery.

Did I manage to tell you I do go to work again? 4 days a week again? In most ways it is really good to be back at work. It is also a lot busier and a lot easier to forget to make time for myself. Last week with BambiEyes she almost berated me for making things difficult in my head, for forgetting to take care of myself.
To complicate things sleep is difficult lately. Suzy wakes us up mostly once around 2 am, and some nights again around five-ish. And if she doesn't, some drunk might. Sometimes my sore shoulder makes it hard to fall back asleep.
BUT the good news is I found a fysio place that does yoga as well, with a special class for people with sore joints. I'll try it next week Tuesday, hoping it will be a good combination of exercise and relaxation for my whole body and mind.

This Christmas morning I dressed Suzy in her shiny and velvety dress.(second hand, only e6,95) My mother was so excited to have a grandchild to take to church for the play they put on that even my father joined.
Now DP put on the fire, and we will have a verrrrry quiet dinner this evening.
(yesterday HB joined us, tomorrow will be DP's complete family)
Staring into the embers I think of Knut. And how differently I miss Loki (Suzy's twin). When we play with DeeDee sometimes it breaks my heart all over again to see how alike and different they are.

Wishing you peace and calm and care and hope in these days at the end of the year my friends.

Frozen

My shoulder is not getting better. I went to see a physiotherapist who said I do not just have an inflammation, but a Frozen Shoulder second stage.
I cannot move my arm behind my back anymore. My shoulderblade does still move but the shoulder itself is mostly immobile. Some nights I'm too weary of the pain to undress completely, so I'll just sleep with my shirt on.

Today I managed to get a stomach bug as well so i spent it in bed.

DP is not a caring type when I'm ill (and I suppose I'm too stubborn to ask)
he just rips off the bedlinnen because it doesn't smell nice and leaves for work. I was not amused when I almost fainted in the shower and discovered the empty bed. O well, J helped out with the bed and dinner, my mother came over to take care of Suzy.

Maybe the combination of low grade pain and the fear of sharp pain in my shoulder (whenever I make a wrong move) is making me more grumpy than usual.
grrrrrumble!

Almost there

My start date at the Bank will be this Thursday and this morning I heard I did indeed pass the screening. In the mean time I had gotten really bored and annoyed with myself, playing not only candy crush but also its new little sister candy soda crush.
I managed to reschedule BambiEyes from Thursday to today and we could speculate a bit on my upcoming project. They only commit till the end of the year, so that will leave me very little time to prove myself. Also the Bank wants me to magically fix their dysfunctional team where people work with unspoken and undocumented agreements. O well, I should not beat myself up if I cannot do it.
And next? BambiEyes did announce she is expecting again. We went into the practical implications, I can keep seeing her till March. And I realised that for how I feel now that should be plenty. and also that her pregnancy does not affect me emotionally. I do not feel left behind or abandonded or overtaken. And that is a big BIG difference from last time!

The Heat is On

This morning when I stepped out of the shower and grabbed my towel I felt it was warm against my skin. Mmmhhhmmm, I love warm towels. The heater has switched on after a really cold night.
(and boy it was a cold day today)

(I thought to do a quick image search on hot towels. Warning: do not go near 'hot towel selfie'. it does not illustrate the hotness of the towel.)

Last week I did an intake interview for a Bank. The Bank let the agency know they wanted me the same evening, YAY. Now I have to go through this screening process, as the work involves confidential information. (It usually does) This time the agency told me to go looking for my university degree!!! I don't think I've ever needed to show it to anyone. 
Have you?

Can turn off?

Sometimes this unrelenting need to bond is getting to me. Sometimes I do not enjoy being woken up by toddler fingers prying my eyes and mouth open. This week I lost my cool when Suzy still did not stop waking me up, and resorted to hitting me over the head with the tablet (Android iPad). It got me out of bed indeed, dragging her by one arm and yelling so loud DP said not too.

People tell me that since I've been through so much before Suzy that I'm bound to spoil her. As if I somehow deserve to not be a good parent? Or as if IF has given me boundless patience and empathy? I'm not a saint, still fairly human and bound to fail and learn like the next person dealing with a toddler. Plus I still need to take care of me. (and do some more teaching of boundaries ;-)

The other week Mel asked " interesting discussion on maternal instincts and mothering and ways people can be with kids and not parent.  Go read these two posts and join in the discussion."
I did not read all posts or discussions involved. But I did read Mel's commenters, thinking that would be safe. Till I got to the second one: 

"... being a parent is something you eat, sleep, and breath every day, all day and you can’t turn off. Those without children of their own can’t possibly understand what that is like, and that is not a dig, it is just the truth.
I agree that there is a way to “mother” someone without actually being a mother…much of that is simply natural instinct and love.
But if you can give the child back at the end of a day, or weekend or whatever, and turn it all off, then you cannot call yourself a parent...."

I'm still upset.I feel so excluded by this. Why does she think that a child of their own gives her insight in what is possible? in what other people cannot understand? Why can she not turn off her being a parent? Does she not have a personal brain anymore? Is she implying that since I feel different I cannot call myself a parent? or cannot call Suzy my own? (oh dear, the only one making DNA a point here is me, I'll stop immediately)

I don't know what it says about me. As a student I lived in a student room (Amsterdam University doesn't have a campus) in the attic of a family. I did regular babysitting duties, and completely fell in love with the baby born while I lived there. (little boy loved me back just the same) I could play peek-a-boo every time I came home or left the house. I think it gave me some idea how much fun I could have with a child growing up.
Maybe somewhere in that comment is a certain bitterness, that parenting isn't just the fun part?

I feel a whole heap of posts swirling in my head. But the issues are simply too big. What is Love, and what is Parenting and How is that Different.
I guess it all comes down to "I loved Suzy before she existed. Then it did hurt so much. I love Suzy now. And now the world loves her too."

Cheek to cheek

Two and a half....

Suzy is not in a hurry to use the potty herself. She has great interest in the toilet, and sneaks in when I use it. She hands me toilet paper and wants to have a look when I sit down. Squeezes her head where nobody looks. I feel her soft cheek pressing against me. Hear her excitement. I thought that it was a short thing, that she would then try it herself. But six months later nothing changed. Not even the occasional accidental wee in a potty. O well. We tried pushing her, but that only made it worse.
So that is a non milestone then.
This summer she learned to swing by herself, jump on, jump off. She can ride a tricycle and a scooter and is talking more by the week. (Mommy, my tummy so full nice lemonade, yummy!) Uses please and thank you.
Finds her favourite youtube videos and mimics the dancing. (BTW, What is the fun of unwrapping things?!!!) But still sleeps with her bum in the air, her legs and arms tucked under. I can't see her giving up the dummy anytime soon, we're restricting it to bedtime only for now. And long car rides, which are rare.
She can find the right key on the keyring and unlock my bike and the front door.
When DP kisses me goodbye on the lips she demands a similar kiss ("in the mouth!" )
She is starting to object to some clothing, why wear jeans that touch your skin if you can have a dress instead? Why isn't underwear enough anyway? She can put on her clothes by herself, close buttons, zips or velcro. I've been told that tying shoelaces isn't a toddler thing, but Suzy wants to learn! She loves hair clips, but pulls them out after approx 7 seconds. We keep her hair short for now, out of her eyes. She is loosing the strawberry blond, her hair seems darker by the month. I try to drink in the blond as much as I can.
-Weaning. I thought we were there. The last remaining feed was the early morning feed. When trying to explain that milk was for little babies and not for toddlers Suzy simply stated  it was her milk, not for other babies. Then the web suggested avoiding the situation, so in my case that meant getting up before Suzy would come and ask for milk. Since she was irregular, but early to very early, 6 or even 5 something AM I first trained her to wait for the 6:30 alarm. ding dong. Then I made sure I would get up at 6:29 and disappear in the shower. That is two months ago now, but whenever she hears the alarm she will ask for milk. No drama, she does take no for an answer, but she is a bit clingy, clearly wants to keep her bonding moment. (or depending on your point of view, toddlers seem to like to be in complete control) BambiEyes suggested finding a replacement bonding activity, for just her and me. For now I let her 'braid' my hair. And in the mornings she can come snuggle in the big bed with us. We're only half heartedly stopping her from falling asleep in the big bed at night. I'll just carry her to her Miffy bed while she sleeps.

My moon, at the seaside

Once a year my parents invite us to spend some holiday quality time with Suzy, and they love the beach. DP found a lovely 2 bedroom seaside appartment on the web:

the beach in the background is so bright you can't even see it

After GP 2 and pharmacy it was time for packing for the long weekend at the seaside. Why is it always my job to pack for Suzy? And had to pack food, drink and snacks as the appartment was away from stores. Plenty of beach clubs and restaurants though. I was so tired both of the interview and the ongoing pneumonia that it took me much longer to pack. My parents came over to help at the last minute. (DP was working and would follow with my parents' car with the big luggage) We went with our bikes in the train and cycled the last bit to sea. Verrry lucky with the weather, the last true summer weekend.
DP /google got lost on the way (next seaside town also had a road called sea-road! duh), so dinner was late. Then the restaurant was super slow, so main course was even later. Never been so glad they could serve luke warm fries for Suzy while we waited, she could dig in immediately.
Sun was setting while we walked back, and the rising full moon was visible from our bedroom window. I was a bit worried about Suzy being over-excited with the new location, but when I put her on the window sill she said: My Moon!
Mildly flabbergasted that a toddler claims the moon, I don't think it ever occured to me to think that way.

Sunset from our loggia

Toddlers wake up early:

Sunrise from bedroom

My parents let me rest during the day, even if Suzy refused to nap. She spent hours on the beach trampolines!
Saturday morning started a bit grey:

Sunday was glorious beach weather, with natural paddling pool:

 On Monday morning we went beachcombing:

and that picture does not even include a giant (sandy, dripping) soft blue stripey beach towel because I had thrown that in the laundry straight away.
On Tuesday the rain showers started rolling in, we were lucky to get to the train in a dry spell. Went home quickly and smoothly and we all took a well deserved nap.
When Suzy woke up the first thing she asked was 'can we go see grandmother and opapa again?'   I think she enjoyed the weekend and their company immensely!

Au Retard

Friday morning after the interview I went to the (second) GP to have my lungs listened at again. Better, but not good,could still hear some 'sharpness'. She asked about the hot water facilities at the French camp site, but I had no idea. Just afraid she suspects legionella. :(  On to the pharmacy to get different antibiotics, to get the a-typical bacteria as well. And the instruction to come back quickly if I didn't improve, felt sicker or short-winded. Not very reassuring.

Another week. With afternoon naps. At the seaside, more clean air for me.
Third doctor declared my lungs clean. But still repeated that if I felt more ill I should come back.

My shoulder has been sore all summer, sharp pain when lifting it, probably bursitis. Should cure itself.
I did ask if my infected and leaking root canal could have been the cause of the pneumonia, but GP3 brushed that aside saying bacteria in the mouth only cause heart problems.  I saw my dentist this morning. He reassured me there is no immediate risk, and referred me to a root canal specialist. He had treated this root canal three times in the past years and now it s time for the big guns. Well, microscope really.
I refuse to give in to this feeling that I'm falling apart, but yea, a reminder to not take your healthy body for granted. I think in the spirit of new things I will treat my zigzaggy bottom teeth to an invisalign brace. I promise that when they are straight I will floss more often ;-)

The seaside weekend is two weeks ago now, and I'm still so tired. I made plenty of lovely pictures to show you the Dutch seaside, but somehow the blog posts remain stuck in my head.
As does my mother's voice saying it takes six weeks to recover from pneumonia.

Being myself

The Preparation.

Tuesday haircut for me and for my mother and Suzy.

The head hunter had sent all kinds of useful info and tips on how to prepare yourself for an interview. Being on time, polite etc etc. But the 'check linked in and the company website to find out more' was a good one to get out of holiday mode and in work mode. I was trying with J different ways of phrasing why I left my last job. Putting Hipster Boss down isn't exactly professional after all.

On the linked in I discovered that the one guy was a bike lover, saying about himself he loved Raw, Honest, Open and Pure. And work life balance. No university degree, but the one level below that. The other guy had two uni degrees, Chemistry and bio-something-technical-ly. They seemed to be running the company themselves. The website was saying something about only wanting the Best testers, and how they were a special kind of people.
I started to get a suspicion that either it would be nothing for me, or just my thing.

J offered to roleplay with me for the interview. That freaked me out so much that after 5 minutes I took him out to go shopping with me. We went to my favourite vintage shop. He got me three outfits that were all so good and different enough I got them all.
Also high heeled shoes and new bra.
That evening DP said that the tight dress with the leather jacket looked very good on me, but not material for formal interview. The blouse/skirt/jacket option safe. The dress with same jacket very elegant while also business-y. So I went for the last dress, sort of a chanel dress.

The Interview
I got there ridiculously early to make sure I did not get nervous in public transport. That gave me time for a walk around (I brought sensible shoes as well). I saw the bike guy arrive in a fancy car, he didn't see me.
No one at reception, so I walked to the canteen to see if I could get a cup of tea. Where the receptionist gladly gave me one.
When the two guys arrived to pick me up they offered me lunch, and were clearly getting some themselves so I accepted. This interview was already different and hadn't even started.
When we did start they tumbled over each other to tell me stories about the company and the people working there.  Bike guy said they had different people working there, people with kids, or people who where struggling to have them. They also made clear that from my CV they could tell I was a good tester, but were looking for the person behind it.
Very different interview! I decided I liked them, left all interview convention behind them and told them bits and pieces about our IF journey and Suzy. Not the DE part, but having to go to Spain. We talked for TWO hours. I did see them exchanging meaningful glances, but they kept talking. When finally the phone rang that the next candidate had arrived we made an end to the conversation, and they asked me when I could start, and if I thought I wanted to. I didn't even need to sleep on it, but first of september I'm still at the seaside, so they said 1st Oct was OK too.

Went home bouncing. Discovered that I really cannot catch a train on sexy heels. Went out for dinner to celebrate with DP and Suzy. Went to sleep. Woke up 3 am my head spinning with the intensity of the conversation we had.
Decided I will bring flowers next time I see BambiEyes, because I got a job for daring to be myself. And of course a big thank you to my readers and writers of their own blogs, for all allowing us and accepting us for who we are.

Summer Holiday with a bad cough.

Summer Holiday mostly uneventful. As in, not very stressful. The long drive to France we did in two stages, staying with friends with a gîte in the Vosges before travelling on to the Jura. Lovely to see them after four years, lovely to introduce our Suzy to them. Turned out they had an addition to their family as well, a rescue labrador, conveniently also called Suzy.
Camping was OK, the new tent so huge you could park your car inside. The weather very hot to begin with, gave me headaches.
Just my silly cough would not clear up. To the point even the teenagers started to ask me if I was OK. But too stubborn to see a French doctor. Even though walking the mountains became harder every day, and carrying Suzy in the back-carrier made me seriously short of breath.
At home two weeks later it turned out I had pneumonia. No wonder breathing was so hard!
Long live penicillin.

Then came windows 10. For a day we believed we lost my laptop. Agonising crawl doesn't describe how impossible it was to work do anything with. But plugging in an ethernet cable, DP's perseverance and another boatload of automatic updates have resurrected it to almost normal use. Lost the webcam, tried everything. Including updating the BIOS.

Then came a headhunter. Pestering me about my CV, couldn't I send an extended version, wouldn't I like this or that company... So this Thursday I already have an interview. Have to get myself out of holiday mode because it sounds promising; a club of independant consultants sharing a network. Doing the test work I want to get back into.

Also, unreasonably excited about this young Dutch girl winning a silver medal on the 100m sprint

Jamaican Shelly-Ann an absolute star, and on top of that her hair in her national colours, love those flowers. While to my eyes Dafne looks so incredibly normal. The Dutch are a silly people, normal is the best thing you can be.

J found out his treatment will take year and a half, five days a week. Starting mid september. This puts him in a bit of a difficult position, as his stay with us was meant to be temporary. He is in Pax's room, and moves to the guest room every other weekend when the boys are here. (the boys have their own bathroom, the guest room shares with us) For the summer that seemed a reasonable way to stay here, but more than a year not so much. But the being occupied 5 days per week makes it difficult to get some kind of job. I suppose we were all hoping he could fix himself this summer/year, then move on to buy own house and find job. O well, plan B will come.

Tomorrow will be my last day of taking penicillin, have to go back to have my lungs listened to.
And on the weekend we will go to the seaside with Suzy and my parents for their annual Suzy-Summer outing.

4,5,6,9,8,9,10

City of Hindeloopen

Skinny bridge near marina of Hindeloopen

Sheep, mostly invisible. Idem for sails on horizon.  Not quite sunset.

returned our little red boat in the middle.

Sailing was wonderful. We were especially lucky with the weather and wind and our timing. We even had a two hour stretch without wind and too much sun so the perfect opportunity to go for a swim. (I took forever to adjust to the water temp, but swam a complete lap around the boat. yes without getting my hair wet.) With that bit of cooling the rest of the afternoon was a lovely warm gentle sail.
Also talking through manouvres beforehand removed all the stress: when something didn't go as planned we both knew that was an unforeseen circumstance and we did the best we could.

My parents had a great time with Suzy and Suzy probably had a great time ordering my parents around, it was all too exciting to take naps.
(On Monday only mild backlash, Suzy kept trying to hit and scratch me (out of the blue), wanting me to reaffirm both my affection and my boundaries. )
DP was so happy he asked when we were going again, or if we shouldn't go for a week with Suzy. Lovely, good idea,but  let's try her on a boat for a day first.

At home I'm in the process of tackling all kinds of different projects. Smaller ones, like finally moving my house insurance. Medium ones, like oiling the wooden floor of the living room.  Finding new plumber for rental property.
Have to break big projects into small pieces. Tax. Putting away my clothes. Admin. Suzy's clothes.
And thinking about getting proper (but illegal) balcony doors instead of climbing through a window to our roof terrace.

I started reading the donor egg baby book to Suzy. She is small enough to not understand at all. But old enough to know I'm reading her a book that has something to do with her, a baby in a belly and a mama and a papa who are very sad in the middle of the book and very happy at the end.
It makes me quite happy to read it to her, it doesn't put me back in a state of despair like I feared before. It is so much easier if you are reading the story to the happy 'outcome' sitting beside you.
I also think that I immersed myself (just) enough in the idea that we would not end up with a baby but that is an whole other post.

As to the mysterious title, that is how Suzy was counting till this week. Dutch 7= zeven apparently too much like 9 = negen. I'm eternally in doubt wether or not to document Suzy's milestones here, so mostly write about them when the next one makes it obsolete.
She taught herself to sing Twinkle twinkle little star in English from youtube (tablets are easy for toddlers) and today I discovered in the playground that also native 3 year old English toddlers sing kwinkle kwinkle lille stah.
Ah, about undocumented milestones, her brothers' names sound like Paxton (Pax) and Damian. Suzy started out with saying Pats and a bit later Dami.  This now morphs into "like a damian in the sky" in the song, I even caught it on camera. Images not suitable for internet, sadly, with nearly naked toddler and such. Maybe I could just rip the sound? Except the screeching toddler might be more than you would want to hear.

This nap of Suzy is turning into a siesta. DP smiled and said 'must be her southern temperament'. Made me smile, to realise how much her DE origin is now a normal part of daily life.

Sailing

For weeks and weeks our holiday plans were so vague, so fluid and uninspired.
And then suddenly one Saturday evening everything came together.
The big family holiday with Suzy and the boys is going to be rental car (rented) and camping in tent (bought new)
The small family holiday is this weekend, just the two of us. Yes, DP and me. On a boat in Frisia. My parents were asking for Suzy to spend the weekend with them for a while now, the boys aren't interested in sailing. BambiEyes was suggesting I should do something with DP alone. and suddenly I had the brainwave to combine it, and it seemed so obvious that it is hard to remember why we didn't think of it before..

BambiEyes mentioned that our conversations have grown from 'how do I manage to stay in this relationship with DP' to 'how do we make a good relationship better and stronger'.
In a previous relationship I read the famous self help book  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and I hated it. I was so disappointed that even the Preface said that normal, good relationships have their seasons, their good and bad times! O well, good bye innocence, goodbye happy ever after, goodbye twenties and thirties. I think (hope) I'm finally grown up enough to understand what it means that relationships take work. That taking it for granted isn't it. That having a disagreement or a fight is ok, just keep communicating.
It is to be expected that two people on a small boat will make errors, sailing or otherwise. That is OK too. Doing something we love, with the one we love, it doesn't really matter what goes wrong.

I'm surprised that my right arm is STILL hurting with the stress from work. I had naively thought it would be OK the day I walked out of the office. Ha says my arm, took nine months to build up? guess how long it will take to let go!
I'll try to be gentle with the sailing and the arm. And each other.

Summer every other week or so

The exam was a very serious affair; 2,5 hours practical assessment in the morning, 3 hours theoretical in the afternoon. In total I wrote 37 numbered pages. Not all fully scribbled mind you, but different thoughts at least. So much writing my fountain pen ran out of ink!
My throat was hurting, from the Cold That Never Goes Away, and during both sessions I went for a toilet break to clear my head. I still am in no condition to produce that much concentration. Time management was a big issue on this day, I do not believe it is humanly possible to write everything down in that time to get full marks. And the results might take 4 to 6 weeks! Too long to keep holding frustration. The day after I spend in bed and on the couch, thinking of cancelling the SOS BBQ. We didn't though.
DP loves a BBQ and the lousy weather meant he had the deck to himself and the guests staying inside. After a while I was able to enjoy myself as well. Have to remember that a party is not the occasion to have deep personal conversations with everyone, so I will stop beating myself up over that.

In other news. A couple of weeks ago, around Pentecost I think, J moved in with us. Most of his belongings are in storage in France, he is here with some basics and his photo equipment and computers. He is not completely invisible, he pops out for dinner every day when we call him. He is taking care of his health, in the process of trying to get himself admitted for treatment. But I have decided to just be here for him, not ask questions about how or what or why. Generally I'm not such a charitable person, I do not donate money all over the place. I try to be aware of all the privileges I'm born into and grew up with and this seems something I can do. Offer a spare bed and plate. Suzy got used to him, DP seems happy to have someone share a bottle/glass of wine with over dinner. I simply hope this is a basis, an anchor for J after losing everyone and most everything.
During the BBQ it seemed that HB was not really interested in meeting another adult orphan, I don't think he had much of a 'click' with J. O well, not everyone's grief is compatible.

Taking care of Suzy a full extra day per week is something I'm still adjusting to. Still aligning activities for the Monday and finding people to go to. A clever birthday present from my parents: a year ticket to the Zoo.

Yesterday seems to feel like my first proper day off, Suzy was off to day care. My electric bike was fixed and I took it for a detour.

Here are some summer samples of the very Dutch landscape I biked though:

Windmill first, sheep sleeping in the shade second. And I've tried to add a 'panorama' video to show you How Very Flat the Dutch landscape can be. The sound is from a bird, and the soft summer breeze and the smell of grass you'll have to imagine with it.

Today I went back to the office to have lunch with my men, then I had tea with Lily. The situation with the hipster isn't getting any better, and he has less people to blame now, so she is getting some of it. Luckily with our combined experience with him and with therapy she can reckognise all the transfer and projection that he is doing and she is already on the lookout for a nicer job elsewhere. It was so good to see her again, have to make sure we keep in touch somehow.

Still so very tired though....

HB

Today was the funeral of HB's mother.

She had had a mini-stroke nearly three weeks ago, that left her unable to eat, and made swallowing liquid very difficult, but not completely impossible.
DP and I were there today, and had agreed to cancel my birthday for today. Reschedule to Sunday, we'll have a Start Of Summer BBQ then (and conveniently cover father's day as well) Simply not in the mood tonight. DP is out drinking with HB to drown out his new orphan status instead.
Plus I have to study for my course exam this Friday. Even though I'm hopeless with the amount of information I have to work through. So much bla bla!

Roses for my birthday:

Happy Last Day

With a wink to Mel I can tell you I had my Happy Last Day at Work last Friday (last working day of May) We had a team lunch outside the office (no boss), and at the end of the day I was given 3 tea boxes, some sweets and this lovely tea filter:

Wow, finding those pictures I saw some prices too, I didn't know you could spend that much on tea bags! But the tea egg gives me incentive to buy some leaf tea again.
Not very emotional about all of it, I think I already spent enough time feeling angry and sad.
Next three months will be a free summer for me, filled with family time, me time, not worrying about finding another job till fall.
I'll do that training course first, and then summer will begin.

Telling me about her day

Yesterday I came home from work, while DP had his day off with Suzy.
we sat down for dinner and started talking.
Suddenly Suzy was interrupting with:"chicken playground swinging. DeeDee. Poopy Diaper."
I looked at DP, and he confirmed they had indeed spent the afternoon at the playgroung with the chicken coop, playing with the swings and had run into Delia with DeeDee.  As if Suzy understood I was questioning her story she got up and dragged me along to the bin, and showed me the diaper.
I'm still a bit flabbergasted about this sudden language development.
At 21 months she said mommy for the first time. 23 months was the first time Suzy put two words in a sentence. (we were not counting cookie cookie cookie as a sentence ;-)  Now 26 months she is not only using multiple words in sentences, but also telling me about her day unprompted.

I can't remember when exactly was the first time, but Suzy also discovered she can drag chairs across the kitchen, climb up to open the fridge and help herself to it's contents.
She is also tall and strong enough to open the door from the alley to the street. I almost would not be surprised if she manages to hop on a tram by herself within a year, she is so quick, adventurous and unafraid. Plus increasingly interested in doing things I tell her not to do.
I will need to improve my fitness and running levels soon!

It will soon be May

So.
I´m tired of complaining about my silly hipster boss and HR antics. I dare not look back in my blog, but I´m afraid it has occupied much of my emotions since it started 9-11.
Had many conversations, got tired of people´s opinions, followed BambiEyes´ advice. Not making a choice, going through a halfhearted fight, it wasn´t getting me anywhere except down. So yesterday I told my laywer to make it quick and painless. I expect to sign this week, maybe even tomorrow. One month left to work then.
Have to decide on a course to take as pat of my 'exit package deal'. I´m thinking of getting myself certified with the newest fashion in information technology.
Already I slept better last night.

Tomorrow will be Suzy´s last day with the toddler group. I don´t know the exact english translations for those age groups, but in her daycare the baby group goes from 0 / 1. Then the toddler group 1/2 (walking) and the tots (?) 2/3 years (talking). As soon as they turn 4 they have to go to school.
Since our Queen retired two years ago we now celebrate King's day, a few days earlier, on the 27th.
The whole country turns into a big yard sale with 'Orange' festival. And since it is a custom to give some presents at daycare when you leave for the next group I bargained and paid less than 1 euro per pluche toy, and managed to get 18 fairly newish looking toys. Yay!
I hope the kids like them at least half as much as I do.


Update.
I wanted to tell you Suzy actually used the potty once for a wee. I rather talk about pee than my job you see. or all the other stuff I got at King's day. Have to remember it will soon be May.

I have a lawyer now

O well,
I have a lawyer now. BambiEyes said it was OK to leave the negotiating about ending my employment contract to a professional, so I did.
HB especially was adamant that my hipster boss does not get away easily on this. He reviewed the first letter for me, and came with suggestions for recriminations.
I sleep badly over it.
Of course, as life would have it, DP found out late March that his department is being reorganised. Higher up had basically forgotten about him after they heard about an opportunity in a different department. And forgot to ask him. He bought himself an extra month with all kinds of politics-behind-the-scenes, but will probably have a different job/team/department end of this month.
More stress.
It is hard to believe this would not affect Suzy, and indeed the daycare invited us to have a conversation about her aggression towards other kids. Poor other kids. Poor Suzy. It seems her problem is jealousy of the attention the daycare ladies pay to other kids. Of course when she hurts another kid she will get their attention immediately.... Also at the end of this month she is scheduled to go the next age group. Maybe it's 'just a phase'. And hopefully we will all move on to the next phase.

To make a small difference I've found 'dancing' lessons for Suzy in a group of two year olds, and the

way too big, maybe in 3 years time?

first two weeks I was allowed to watch. It is much fun seeing their little brains and bodies learn new things, like balancing on one leg. Suzy is a pro standing on tippy toes, she can even run on her toes. For now she cannot stand still as soon as she hears music, she moves and jumps and waves. (Even when they are supposed to impersonate a penguin-waddle) We are all hoping that soon she will be able to express herself verbally and doesn't feel the need to push/hurt people to get attention. This morning I suggested she takes someone by the hand if she wants to dance, but sadly even that was too intrusive for the other kids. A step up from pushing, for sure, but not there yet.  

I'm not a cat

Extended cat pose

from this site

I took another yoga class on Thursday, and we tried this pose. While reaching with my arm behind me to find my foot in the air I pinched a muscle between my ribs. Or something. While retreating to child's pose I was suddenly so sad, tears kept trying to pop up and out.
It was a weird sensation to go from such a physical thing to an emotional one. Even though I heard about this phenomenon. Apparently suppressing sadness about my job wasn't working so well.

I find it reassuring that the only picture I could find of this pose came from sensational-yoga-poses .com (And makes me wonder how they meant sensational)

Spring is in the air

Spring is in the air

but not in my step.
I had the weirdest conversation with my HR guy. Something along the lines of 'so, you didn't find anything internally in the past three months (and we didn't really help you with that). Now you should start looking in the outside world and we cannot help you with that. However we can offer you a contract to give you some time during work hours to find this job, under the proviso you leave the company after x months'.
Depending on how you look at it I would basically be firing myself, and grab 3 months pay on the way out.
And I haven't even had my review yet.
When I talked it over with DP he said it was a curious combination of circumstances. I've postponed my next meeting with this guy till after I meet with BambiEyes again. But in the mean time I do very much not feel good about it.
Yes I still want a different job. But I'm not prepared for it to be this hard.
(If only my cookie eating and chocolate bar munching would be steps in the right direction I'd be arriving at new and exciting destinations any moment now)

oh, I managed to add some pictures from our february weekend trip to Dublin (I don't think this post will show in your reader with me backdating it)

Freekeh

It's a thing, I didn't make it up! See? Freekeh.
Never heard of it, but the name sounded funny. Turned out to be boring green rice, not worth the extra price for the flavour.

Also, I didn't get the job. Was chasing HR for news. On Tuesday they promised Wednesday, Today they promised to call before 5. Not good enough as I had BambiEyes at 4. OK, before 4. On my bike. Reasons were valid enough, I have no experience or vision when it comes to Business Stakeholder Management Communication. That is because I'm an IT person. They asked for technical, they got technical and then they don't want technical but a Business person like themselves. I was sort of hoping they would teach me the business part on the job. So yes, rejection. But valid reasons make that easier to accept. Also the HR guy promised to have coffee with me next week to talk it over and see what he can do for me. Not sure what that means, but I intend to keep talking to HR till I have a new position.
Because if this wasn't it I might have to leave the company.
I promised myself to look internally for the three months that just passed now. Then I would start looking externally. Which means now.
Which means stepping out of my comfort zone.
I think I rather eat green rice.
Even though it's Freaky.

Toddler logic

In the bathroom we have a potty, never used yet. I was taking a shower and had undressed Suzy, encouraging her to sit on the potty. To wee in the potty. She picked up her full nappy and ... put it in the potty.

Ta Daa!

#MicroMonday - The Interview

No not the movie, but tomorrow is my first round official interview for another position within the same company. I'm nervous.
Everyone seems to be having the flu, and we're supposed to get our final reviews as well this week.
Not looking forward to having another mandatory conversation with my boss. Still don't know when exactly.

I would rather blog about the 24 balloons that are covering our living room, but will be going to bed early in hopes of having a better tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Almost two

So many little things about early toddlerhood I want to remember..

Suzy can open the zip of her jacket, open the front and fold it backwards. But to get her arms out of the sleeves she doesn't shake her arms, makes a little dance instead. I wish I could catch it on camera.
She can undress herself almost completely (shoes, socks, pants, sweater)

She still walks on her toes sometimes. She is running faster every day, the waddling almost over. When she wears a little dress her moving legs seem to come out of a cartoon though. She can jump with two legs in the air and she can skip/hop.


Suzy loves chocolate custard dessert most, then raisins and cake.
She is in the stage of (I believe) decoupling of consonants so custard = 'vla' becomes 'la'
chocolate custard = 'chocolade vla' -> a la
(also koala -> ala. except we don't keep them in the fridge)
raisin='rozijn' -> zijn
cake = 'taart' -> taat

She mostly stopped pulling my glasses from my nose, or pulling my hair. Not sure I like the mean pinching of my cheeks any better though.

She has a stick-with-mommy phase now, but DP is better at settling her once she is in bed. She sleeps through the night from 7:30 till 7-ish but wakes up for her early morning feed. We pretend it is 6:30 am most days, but some days it can be 5:20. After the feed she curls up with DP and sleeps a bit more. It is still magic having a little one fall asleep close to you.

I think she knows all her body parts head shoulders knees and toes, eyes ears tip of your nose. Even the bellybutton.

If you ask her a question  she can't answer/pronounce she'll say a convincing yes.
conversation go like this.
-Can you say pussycat? puss
-Can you say horse? ho(r)se
-Can you say crocodile? yes.

She loves peekaboo. She loves saying hello to strangers. She loves cats and dogs from a safe distance. She will ring my bell if she sits in the front seat of my bike. She loves to call my father on the phone, but will let me do the talking beyond hello. She sings tunes now, with simple sounds. And will make the gestures that some songs have.

When DP gives her a kiss goodbye, she insists he kisses me too. She melts my heart and DP's (!) in all the ways I dreamt of.

Valentines

And for Valentine's Day I made you flapjacks! Flaphearts? TwangyPearl the Elastic Girl made them last weekend in Dublin, we loved them, she sent the recipe, I improvised because we had no maple syrup.(bottom row left to right: dried fruits, chocolate sprinkles, walnuts) So easy I think I might do it again. Even if I don't get hold of maple syrup.

Mel had this Valentine's idea, Mali tagged me and um, can I just wish you all a happy Valentine's Day?
We had a lovely day with the 5 of us. Suzy is learning to hug and kiss people. It's a bit awkward (and wet) . So lovely to see her grow and be so tiny still.
(So much to say, but it is all jumbles. Weekend first)

Life, Universe and Everything

I'm 42 after all.
And a lot is going on in my life, universe and everything. Even if it does not include reading that book again.
Work: I've applied for a different position in the same company. Had coffee with potential new boss. Two official interviews to go. I described it to Twangy and she shuddered, asking me if I really wanted to do something like that. (Translating business requirements into IT speak) Also had a major collision with my hipster boss again. Communication again. I did say out loud I feel he is setting me up, that I feel he is punishing me for doing good work, for caring. Not sure if that is progress. There must be ways to not be obnoxious while defending myself. I just need to learn to find them.
At home: DP finally realised he is working so much -in the hope of having less work when it's done. But it is never done, there is always more work. So he might as well spend some time and energy at home. We're going out for dinner again, with the two of us.
I did manage to go to a movie with HB. It was like travelling back in time, to do the things that were so normal 3 years ago.

Universe? it will have to do: we went to Dublin with the three of us. We had some trouble and could not get online in the B&B, also one phone broke down completely, one didn't like roaming, but the other two did something. With that and Fran's busy schedule we didn't get to meet. We did a walk in the area she suggested we should meet, St. Stephen's Green, nevertheless. The first night we were all too tired to light the fire or do anything. It didn't help that Suzy was screaming she was too tired to sleep and too restless to be calmed. Saturday was much better, also with Suzy taking a beautiful nap giving DP time to go the the Natural History museum and some others. Then Twangy met up with us. Suzy loved her instantly from the moment she woke up and laid eyes on her. Even though I try not to see signs in this random universe it made me hopeful for her adoption.
There was a hilarious moment when we got off the bus and lost a baby shoe in it: someone noticed the next bus stop wasn't far away, so I did my best Usain Bolt impression running after that bus. Waving my arms to signal and it worked: it stopped long enough for me to reach it, some lady held out the shoe for me to grab and I had just enough air to gasp a thank you to the driver and the lady.
Anyway, Suzy could run around in the Botanic Gardens and we didn't have to worry about buses coming down the other way of the street for a while. In the cafeteria there was a slightly younger Suzy who wanted to kiss her, running after her with pouted lips, too funny.

Long walk over the Cemetery, Irish pub, bus back to town, dinner simple Chinese since the Japanese was full, then back to the B&B to light the fire for Twangy, sample her wine and eat her FlapJacks and brownies. Suzy didn't want to sleep while we were having a good time and since it was already getting late T did the wise thing and left. Suzy fell asleep on the sofa in front of the fire soon after.

On Sunday the sun came out while we walked around Trinity College, Dublin Castle and the Medieval quarter. We had lunch and did something wrong with our timing, so from after lunch 2.45 it was a race against the clock to get in the airplane on time. We managed, just in time.

I planned to post this immediately after the weekend in Dublin, but somehow it took a month to add the pictures, sorry.

the Time is Getting Closer

Maybe the time is coming near that we should start reading Suzy the baby DE book. One of her daycare teachers is pregnant, that might help to convey the notion that babies grow in bellies.
I'm a bit reluctant, and I can think of two reasons
- we haven't told the boys
- how will other people react if she says something

I feel so comfortable now being 'the mom' with no questions asked...

Mhm, maybe I could read it together with Delia and her DE daughter. That is a nice and safe test run, and she has much more experience with talking about it already, they are really open about their DE experience (she got pregnant at 46 after so very many years of trying)

What is definitely coming near is the day Suzy needs a bed that she can climb out of safely by herself (or not at all, but that's only an option at daycare in my opinion)
We are not ready for that, not sure that Suzy will ever go to sleep again, not sure what havoc she will wreak while we sleep...

On the 15th

On the 15th I had my session with BambiEyes.
Complaining how I didn't want to make a roadmap for 2015 for work. So, said she, why not make a personal roadmap then? What about reconnecting with DP that we discussed before? What was our special date again? 15th? what a coincidence. How quickly could I arrange childcare?

Now, I'm not always up for a challenge. But this was the right one at the right time. Before I had even left the building I had managed to get both my parents on the phone. My parents had just returned from holiday, DP would be late(ish) from sport. I had time to do some shopping, pick Suzy up from daycare and cook dinner for my parents. By the time DP came home the three of them were eating at our table, we had a chat and left for a dinner with just the two of us.
We enjoyed it so much.
I did remember to convey my worry that I didn't want a repeat of 10 years ago (when he left his then family due to having grown apart and in a rut with a small child. Suzy has that age now. We all need it to be different this time. DP  took a moment to realise what I was talking about, and reassured me it was different. He even managed not to say I was a fool for asking) So yay.

Also yay: we booked a city trip for the three of us in three weeks time. Suzy's airfare is only 40€ till her second birthday, so that was a nice guideline and provided the urgency to go. Looking forward to meeting my Dublin blog friends there.

Mama, Purple and Soup

November.
DP and I went out for HB's birthday, and Suzy had her first sleep over at 21 months. She stayed with Delia's family with a 23 month old. It was mostly OK.
The next day Suzy could suddenly say 'mama', and didn't stop doing that.
December.
I read a book about 5 different fishes to Suzy every afternoon and night before bed. Suddenly she started pointing to the purple fish, saying 'purple' - in Dutch she says paa(r)s.
New year.
Dinner at my parents, who always have soup as a starter. She says Sshssoup now.

Also we have the stringing together of words. This Saturday, 6 am. She had had her early morning feed, the only one we still have. I think there is a little less milk every day, and we've started offering a bottle of water if she wants to drink some more. But I had forgotten it upstairs in her room, so when she asked for water I told her so. Suzy came back with a loud and clear 'mama pakken'! (mama grab)
I was too surprised to not listen.

More friends who need a hug.

It seems people around me are having hard times.
Lily, my friend at work, has a sister. This sister is someone who planned her children 2 years apart, all four of them, and had life work out that way. House, career change, it all fitted. Until she got pregnant with the fifth unplanned. And almost died giving birth to him. They had to do not only an emergency c-section, but also an emergency full hysterectomy. Kept her in ICU for a few days.
And on the office xmas party Lily had two glasses of wine on an empty stomach, and suddenly confided in me that she had marital problems.  Because after 9 years of marriage he still doesn't want children, and at 36 she feels she is running out of time. O dear.
When I tried to arrange to come over for tea and listen to her she said she wasn't free this week, as she wanted to support a friend after 3 years of failed treatments and 3 rounds of  IVF (which is the end of the road in the Dutch healthcare system)
O dear.

Two and a half years ago she introduced herself (and her husband) as not having and not wanting children. I simply accepted that, but half overheard a colleague grilling her about it, and her giving many reasons. (this guy never knows when to shut up, alas)
She did tell me she liked children, and she is great with Suzy.
OMG I just realised I even took her along on my fun-scan at 22 weeks pregnant. She knitted baby socks, a baby vest, matching hats for Suzy and me. And now I'm wondering how much heartbreak went into it...
O dear.

the only things I've managed to offer her so far were my experiences with relationship therapy. Like schedule a time to talk as if it is a meeting; with an end time. And maybe an agenda. (instead of always nagging him and never be heard)

found and lost

I promised an update on this post where J told me about his partner disappearing.
His body was found on new year's day...
J called me Monday evening, was crying on the phone, so sad, so so lost. Tried to hug him through the phone best I could.
I offered to go there, although he lives almost at the end of the world, where France is reaching out to England but misses. But it is not known when the body will be released. And there will only be some simple kind of ceremony as the parents want the remains back in their country. (Alas no one seems to have the funds or insurance to pay for that)
Maybe I'll buy a ticket for J to come here instead...

About me (Infertility in 10 easy steps)

Happy New Year!
This year is the first time I´ve joined Mel´s Creme de la Creme, so I thought I should write an ´about me´ post, because there isn´t one right now. Infertility in 10 easy steps...

Ten years ago I met this guy at work.  He seemed interested in me, and I liked him. I was 32, but too shy to ask him if he was single, instead I asked if he had kids... Yes, he said, two little boys (and my heart sank). of course he asked about me. So I said I wanted kids, loads, but was still looking for a father.

The next months are a bit of a blur (oh, come ON, did I really want a father who would walk away from his kids? Crazy stupid love hormones, let me sleep! Loads of soul searching from his side, relationship therapy and finally his decision to leave his family and move in with me)
The first year flew by, with limited money and no contact between me and the kids, like a weird dream.

The second year was easier for DP as the housing situation changed and we could be together with the kids in his place every other weekend. It was harder for me, with strange kids who didn't know or trust me in this village where I didn't know or trust anyone. Also learning that DP wasn't ready to try for a baby made it that much harder to be positive towards his boys.

The third year in the summer I quit taking the pill, and refused to pack condoms for our holiday to Berlin. DP didn't go on strike, so we started our TTC journey amidst Knut-mania (the baby polar bear raised by hand in Berlin Zoo) Much to his surprise my period followed like clockwork. I was 35, pissed off at his past where his girlfriend got pregnant while on the pill. Twice.
After six months of TTC I went to see my GP, who told me to pick a fertility hospital. I walked around with that referral letter for 6 months, not yet ready to admit defeat.

The fourth year. We had started to look for a house together. Many hospital visits and a fairly quick diagnosis: a timing issue (just half a day off and the sperms would get killed) and running out of eggs quickly. Thanks to this knowledge we managed one natural conception. And a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks. (later we would name this baby Knut)

The fifth year. After the mandatory 3 month wait we had our one shot at IVF, but even with a mega dose of stimulants we had just two eggs visible, and converted to IUI. This chance at twins was only that, BFN. The hospital said they were done treating me, and referred me to a psychologist, BambiEyes. 
With her I could let my Anger out, speak about my Jealousy, learn to feel my pain. I could bring DP along, learning to open the communication channels between us.
I also learned that I wasn't done with treatments, and managed to get a monitored cycle out of the hospital, since I was still getting my periods. Another two eggs were seen, another negative, again twins that never were more than hope. I stopped looking for a house, because do you know how many houses have baby rooms in the pictures?

The sixth year. I realised the only way for me to get and stay pregnant would be through donor eggs. But I was furious. it was SO UNFAIR. And his boys kept coming, e-v-e-r-y other weekend. I felt less and less like I belonged. They were growing and thriving, while my dream children were only getting fainter and further away. In the infertility blogosphere I found a lot of support for loss and IF, but the stepmothering thing still made me feel lonely. I didn't want to direct my anger towards the kids or their mother, because that was not constructive at all, and was taking power away from me. But I didn't really find much connection there. My childlessness was my pain, and it doesn't help to blame other kids/people for the fact that they exist (or seem to rub salt in my wounds by being around)

The seventh year. The year we had a little ceremony to say farewell to Knut. Acknowledging our loss, our past, our hope, our DNA. Making room for a known donor, a friend of a friend. Hospital visits. Failure.

The eighth year. Enough heartbreak. Running out of time, turning 40. All or nothing. No more energy to find a donor ourselves, we fled to Spain where clinics have screened donors. Young. High success rates. Fast pace. Pregnant with two excellent embryos, I was grinning ear to ear for 8 weeks. Petrified when one tiny heart stopped beating. So hurt when one of the boys stopped visiting.

The ninth year. A healthy baby girl. Turning a monumental office into a dream home. Moving in. Nobody paid much attention to my health, of course I was tired with baby and renovation and losing weight. (When I look at the pictures now I can't believe how gaunt I looked.) But so over the moon happy with Suzy I didn't care about anything else. (silently the boy started visiting again)

The tenth year. Still so very happy that Suzy made it. The fact we used a donor has faded from everyday thought. The fact I'm a stepmother doesn't bother me any more. For the boys it is beyond obvious I'm Suzy's mama and that they all have the same papa. When the oldest said he would maybe move in here after his exams I felt happy (OK I admit, also slightly victorious)

This blog was my diary, my lifeline through infertility. You cannot find it on google, I try to keep it private, intended only for people who understand. So usually I do not participate in lists / games / prizes. At the same time I know I had a hard time finding people in situations comparable to mine who were willing to discuss their relationship troubles and solutions. So if you are reading this and want to know more feel free to ask. Leave a comment or send an email or invite me over to your blog. (sorry I'm not on social media, that's not for me)
I know I didn't write much about my Anger, my thoughts about leaving, my feelings of being a childless stepmother. At the time it was too much. And now it doesn't seem so important any more.

O well, since it is January 1st I'll throw in a resolution: I will take care of me again this year. Time for me alone, time for me and my DP.
yes, on top of searching for a new job and enjoying my combined family to the max.
Wishing you the best for 2015, the strength and patience to make things happen (and to accept what cannot happen)

From Amsterdam with Love,
Valery