I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.
More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.
I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?
ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.
Time for chocolate biscuits and tea
