Holding hands

This is me, holding my nephew.

The visit was OK. We went for walks with just my brother, Dutch was spoken indeed, ice cream was bought... There were mildly uncomfortable parts (why send the nanny away to the playground with the older nephew and keep us in the reception room?) but the parts with the whole family in same reception room was relaxing, seeing my brother be the father of his new family, his wife letting the baby sleep on her chest. My mother was holding little grandson as well. DP didn't really get a chance, and said he didn't really want to either. I guess he was done jumping through hoops (disinfecting hand gel is not his thing)
I bought two gifts, two identical very fashionable long sleeve polo shirts, one in baby the other in toddler size. I've asked my brother to take a picture if they ever get the chance to wear it at the same time.

Holding such a small person is magic, I'm trying to just remember that. I don't want to feel anything else...(but hey, tears again)
Back to holding hands with DP again.

When to visit a newborn

On May 1st I sent my brother a text message saying we could come visit his newborn son that same week if that would suit them. He called me back saying he was very happy I wanted to come so soon, but explaining that would be around the day they would come out of hospital and therefore not yet settled, so maybe another time.
As long as I heard his voice I was full of understanding, but as soon as we put the phone down I started to feel so sad and dejected.

Newborn-baby-sculpture-outside-St-Martins-in-the-Field-Church-London

May 6, I saw BambiEyes again. We talked about how this didn't mean it had to be as difficult as with his firstborn when it took me a year to go visit. How this time DP would be with me. That I could steer a middle course.
It appeared I deal slowly with rejection.... I think I watched almost 100 episodes of Grey's Anatomy.[trying to let go of the thought 'if he doesn't want me now I'm never going to visit'] This week my mother on the phone complaining how hard it was to find a date to visit my brother, how he wasn't available next weekend etc. etc. their agenda .. bla bla .. his schedule ... (Mam talks a lot)
So I sent this lame email to my brother with a list of dates including this weekend when DP and I could come visit. Next thing I know my father is on the phone saying how great it is we can all go together this Saturday! Oh well, now my brother asks all of us to come at the same time. It will both be easier and harder. My parents are desperate to hold their grandson, they will be all smiles and happiness. I'm afraid to feel like a failure for not having given them grandchildren. To feel excluded.
I'm also scared for all the unwritten rules.
It's always weird to visit with my SIL present. I mean, since she doesn't speak Dutch we all speak English. It is truly strange to speak with my parents in a foreign language, and it breaks my mother's heart to have to speak English to her son. I know, we are visiting their house and English is not her native language either and everyone is just being polite. It is just a pity that it is literally such a foreign affair to visit my brother. On the phone it still feels like my brother, but over there I just don't feel part of the family. I bet it is not easy for him either.