It's Still Alive!

it was even waving at us

;-)

still grasshopping, still growing, still heartbeating.

later today : now that some tension is gone I'm getting so tired.... will be a good night of sleep I hope.
What can I still remember from the scan.
- the head was measured, and found ok for 14w3d
- the placenta seemed very big thick and woolly
- there were soooo many tiny vertebrae
- we could see a little arm waving with the smallest left hand I have ever seen. The image was frozen for me so I could count to 5 and they were all there.

We asked if she could see if it was a boy or  girl yet, and she tried, even got a view of two legs but with the fuzz there was nothing obvious. (So now I'm reassured that the little one doesn't have a very large penis, we would have seen it then and it would have been slightly freaky)

After the scan, the midwife went through some questions, probably all standard stuff, but quite alien to me. Had we arranged 'kraamzorg' already (maternity care? postnatal care?)
erhm, no, I was most interested in finding out if the grasshopper was still alive.
Was I planning on breastfeeding? what? why are they even asking? this year I plan on feeding little one through the umbilical cord me thinks.
I explained I was not quite over the shock of one twin trying to vanish. (it is still visible, still in a little sac) Then she said she understood, and made a note in my file so I can come in any time to listen to the heartbeat to reassure the survivor is still hanging on. Very kind and thoughtful (almost un-dutch to let someone come in without medical necessity)

Oh , and I'm allowed to exercise again, with moderation. Yay for stress release! and better fitness might come in handy next year.

I find I'm getting emotional. Not sure if it is the change in hormones, today i can stop taking my superdose of progesterone and will remove estrogen patches shortly, so don't know if the net effect will be more or less hormones.
Thinking of all your little ones that I know of that vanished and getting a bit sad again. Wishing you will soon be at least as lucky as I seem to be now. While some questions freak me out, none of them are as hard to answer as the ' and now what' of IF.
hugs

O well

After worrying so much, Saturday morning telling the boys wasn't so bad.
I was prepared for no interest at all, for just self-centered questions about bedrooms, but the boys mostly wanted to know if it would be a boy or a girl.
During the rest of the weekend some questions trickled in, nothing much.

It was only after DP had brought them back home that the bomb went off: his ex didn't take the news well to put it gently.
So now it was DP who had a sleepless night about it.

(I managed to be a bit more supportive than saying told you so.)

I'm sorry for DP he misjudged the situation, sorry for the boys their parents fight again, can only hope they never noticed since it was a text message war, and glad that it is none of my business.

Just counting the days till the scan on Friday, curious if the little one is still alive.

Telling the boys?

Last week DP was on the phone with his brother, and at some point told him about our success with our Spanish IVF. A little while later I realised he just shared the good news part of the story. No mention of twins or the vanishing thereof. Instead his SIL came on the phone and within 30 seconds I heard DP say we were not planning a home birth. (?!)
Had to leave the room at that point.

This Tuesday DP mentioned he would be picking up the boys on Friday and that he thought it would be time to tell them. My first upset was that I didn't even know they would be here again a weekend earlier than expected (AND two consecutive weekends because of family stuff happening end of August)
Then I spend lying awake at night worrying how to deal with this.
I've tried saying 'no, I'm not ready'  We tried discussing it quietly. Yesterday we fought about it. And I lost the fight. Big time. I even have to be there. Saturday morning.
In my mind there is no point in telling the kids before I start showing. When you're 9 and 13 years old February is a long way away (as is the skill of empathy). And I have this feeling DP doesn't want to share the fact that things can go wrong, could already have gone wrong since the last scan three weeks ago (or have gone wrong 5 weeks ago).
But DP insists it is only fair, since he told his brother, so it's time to tell close family. DP kept repeating that what I wanted (not telling) is not an option and that I should make clear what I want. I have no idea how to find middle ground in a discussion like that, so I gave up. Figuring that if we do what DP wants at least one of us is happy. And I said DP is going to be single point of contact for the boys from then on and has to answer any questions/deal with any upset/jealousy/disagreement/enthusiasm.

The only relief is that I was planning on meeting up with An on Saturday on the beach and HB on Sunday.

Little twin things that will never happen...

Right after the first scan that told us about the twins I had a twin-mom-friend on the phone. We were laughing and cheering and couldn't believe our luck. She offered her twin stroller for sale and I said I'd be happy to buy it a bit later on.

Out of the blue HB said I shouldn't buy a double stroller and block the aisles in the supermarket, that he hated that. Only to continue that I would never do that because it wouldn't fit through my front door. {He's got a point, our front door is the size of your fridge door}

There is a design baby stuff store around the corner, and in the window they have a double decker stroller that looks very small (and foldable). And I stopped to look at it through the window.

When meeting up with lostintranslation she brought me a gift for the twins, matching onesies, as encouragement for them to grow into and for me to hold on to hope...

And now it is so hard to let go of that hope, that dream of twins.
Despite the other one (probably, still) growing I just don't dare to start hoping again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 2012 thoughts on this....
 My father is a bit of a shy, or maybe I should say modest man. He would never say it is his turn to hold the baby. With twins I would have been able to give each grandparent a grandchild to hold (and i still have that picture in my mind...)

Hourglass

Was all clothing oversized in the eighties? By the end of the eighties my body had morphed into something I didn't understand. I think my sizes were close to what some proclaim as 'ideal', the 90-60-90 hourglass model, and so very tall too. But I was convinced it was not ideal at all: impossible to find jeans that fit in the waist, my mom was forever altering them for me (put elastic band in and tighten to size) And boobs with cup DD were stupid in my eyes, most inconvenient for sports and, well, people stare at them, which I found highly embarrassing... So hiding in oversized clothing was the fashion for me.
Early nineties the boobs calmed down to D, later C (and all the extra shape moved down)
And slowly I learned to appreciate my body for other qualities than athletic ones.
It took till this millennium though before I would dress in anything tight fitting. (made a lot easier having flattened down to B) And that is the era I bought my office clothes in.
But this week I couldn't button my blouse to the top. And I realised that the older bras were fitting much better than the newer ones.
Ahem.
I feel slightly odd wearing lingerie picked by boyfriends from a distant past, all lacy and shiny.
I bet you wouldn't be surprised to learn DP has a no-frills approach ;-)
Grateful for another symptom though. Because 'being tired' doesn't tell me much, not in combination with the thyroid circus going on.

http://www.arkhipoff.com/paint/hour_glass_for_eternity.htm

And I much appreciate the irony of the return of the hourglass while I'm waiting to see where this will take me.