Beach

We were at the beach. My brother had come over with his two boys, DP, Suzy and me plus our parents.
Everyone was doing their own thing, and Suzy was writing her name in the sand. DP wrote his and mine next to hers, then Suzy ran over to get me and show me.
Then I suddenly remembered, and wrote Knut's name in the sand too. DP remarked that is was a long time ago, he thought 8 years. But Knut would have been the same age as the oldest nephew, who is 10...
We had a little moment, a hug. Was nice to remember Knut together.

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Other days

Some days are better than others...thankfully every day is a new day.
Suzy is about to do her first swimming exam. She is capable enough, just hoping she will concentrate at the right moments and listen to what she needs to do. (And not splash around as an overexcited puppy)
It will be in a different swimming pool in a different part of town. My parents are excited, DP wants to be there. My Aunt and Uncle have been taking her to swimming lessons the whole school year so they will be there. I'm thinking it is a bit much, but on the other hand I don't think Suzy will be more relaxed if I'm not there. So six adult for one six year old girl...

Last week we went to a gymnastics training (they were looking for new talent, Suzy is on the waiting list for regular training). I'm looking for a place where she can do her cartwheels, handstands and bridges without breaking her back or our house. Sadly the organisation had trouble with their emails/enrollments so they were expecting 4 girls and 20 showed up... Suzy had a good enough time on a real balance beam and seeing some of the tricks. She didn't seem to mind having to wait a fair bit, as most of the time at least someone was moving.
Only after I had organised all this, DP suddenly said, "hey, I think I did gymnastics as a kid" And all this time I had been wondering about our donor and the unknown DNA!!!

Some days

Some days are better than others....
The school year is almost over. Suzy is one of the oldest and biggest children in her class, she has outgrown it.
End of August after the summer holidays she will go to the 'middle' part of her Montessori school, she will be in a class with children ages 6-7-8.
For now she is just not challenged in learning, and she is acting out. DP gets angry with her restless behaviour, (red in the face angry) but it only makes her more rebellious.
Last night I had taken all the time and patience in the world to get Suzy ready for bed. Bath time, brushing teeth, recounting the day. Reading a children's book together (yay she is starting to read now). Laying in the big bed together, singing the lullabies.
Somehow Suzy managed to get frustrated at having to sleep (or not being able to fall asleep I'm not sure) She was fiddling with my shirt. I turned away. She slapped me on my ear. I tried to not react, I really didn't want things to escalate. She hit me again, and again, harder and hurting me so I felt I had to react. Moved her to her own little bed in our room and then she used all her cuss words on me, calling me a c*$% mommy. Looking at me expectantly, reminding me that the only other time she used that word I had put her out on the balcony. No my dear, you are staying in your bed. I have tried everything in my power to help you sleep, but I have ran out of options. Now I am only policing you stay put.
 Now it is the day after, my anger has faded and I can feel my sadness. Sad she is lashing out. Sad that I feel like failing, not even sure failing at what. Sad that I do not believe her anymore when she says she will not do it again. Sad she doesn't even know why she hit me in the first place. Scared maybe even that one day I might lose my cool and will hit her back. What kind of adult would that make me, the one that says 'but she started it'...
The sadness and tension woke me up at 5 am so I'm tired on top of it. Maybe I shouldn't have written this while still in the middle of feeling it. But I am allowing the sadness to be there.

Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow I will stop by my cousin and his wife. They had a miscarriage recently so I want to drop of a little something. I know nothing of the miscarriage, but just want to let them know I know, and that I care. Allowing the sadness to be there.