Twinkle

'T is christmas, and the heater broke down. But with all the visiting and cooking and the mild weather it is not a problem yet.
I've lit some small candles for my and your lost babies, medium for my cousin, large for lost parents and the tallest for grandparents.

Yesterday was a family dinner with DP's boys, at his brothers place with a 4 year old and a 2 month baby. In the first years with DP's boys, the little one would get upset if someone mistook me for his mother and would always correct accusingly "that is not my mother!". But yesterday something different happened. The 4 year old was pointing everyone out at the dinner table: "Uncle DP, cousin, papa, himself, mama, cousin, aunt Valery". Then DP's youngest decided his little cousin should understand that DP was a father too, not just an uncle. And went round the table, pointing out the adults saying "papa, papa, mama, mama". And nobody corrected him. DP noticed it as well. It may have been simplified for a 4 year old, it may have slipped out, I don't know. All I know is that it's been six years (and two weeks) since I first met DP's boys. And this christmas had a little new twinkle for me.

Loads of cooking together and an excellent recipe for moist chocolate cake helped to survive as well.

One work week

Work-wise it was an easy week, my first week back at work. But somehow DP and HB had gotten into a fight. It started as something work-related and snowballed into them not talking to each other at all. It was very scary. At first I tried to ignore it, but after three days they both started asking my advice. It felt like a balancing act, the listening and explaining the other side, going back and forth between them. Making sure I was there to listen, but not becoming part of the problem (or the solution for that matter) A couple days later they were ready to talk and work it out over dinner in town. They celebrated their friendship with some more wine and came home mildly intoxicated. Pfffew.

My parents were not so lucky with my brother. He basically told them that contact with his wife and children will always be problematic. My mother doesn't understand and is in tears when she talks about it. My parents were always looking forward to becoming grandparents, but this wasn't what they expected. I spoke to my brother briefly and said I didn't want to (or could) be their mediator. Don't understand what the problem is, and am sure that if my brother knew a solution he would work it out. A part of me thinks I don't care enough- I used to be the peace keeper/maker.
I find it hard to explain that I miss my own children more than my brother's. And therefore it hurts a little that my parents don't (seem to). BambiEyes said I could give it a try, that my parents might just relate, that it is a good analogy.

I want to say more but can't focus enough to put it into actual words, so I'll post before this week turns into a month.

Great Big things

Monday I start at my new job (at the previous company, where DP and HB still work). Bit scary, going permanent after 12 years of contracting freedom, but looking forward to do something again. Even if it is not my dream job, it is a real job.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal from a brass band (the kind with clarinets and flutes and very big saxophones) The one that my aunt told me were looking for a bassoon. I'm welcome to relearn how to play with them. Such a positive and friendly atmosphere that I went home happy, got my bassoon from the attic and dusted it off. Today I even managed to play some notes and a simple christmas carol. Last time I tried to play was 2006, last time I played well was 1997

Thursday an architect will drop by and have a look at our current house (So I can show him why I love it so). Saturday my parents, DP and I will inspect a canal house that this architect will convert from office to living space. It might be a fantastic opportunity to create our dream house.

While I had a dream that next year we will celebrate Sinterklaas with all my cousins who were fighting over who could hold my newborn twins, it is the first time I felt at peace with the idea of DP and me buying a house for a future for the two of us.

Not so cool

Normally BambiEyes doesn't share anything about herself. It's only when booking in next appointments (or cancelling them) she tells me why she is not available. Like when she got married. I didn't even know she was in a relationship, let alone how she felt about it.
So normally there is nothing for me to worry about. Until this time. She cancelled with under an hour notice, because she suddenly had to go for an extra OB check, but it should be nothing.
I don't know about you, but 'unexpected and urgent' does not equal 'hunky-dory' to me. So instead of my usual outlet and the reassurance I get from her, I felt panicky and jittery. She emailed later to say everything was ok. But suddenly this pregnancy was a lot closer than I thought it would ever get.

Somewhere last week I was having lunch with an aunt of mine, she lives close by. This aunt helped me picking some flowers for our little ritual of saying goodbye to our biological baby in June. She said she had expected that closure would lift my unhappiness by now, that I would move on. She does not know about our DE plans. While I was thinking of a way to explain I had not given up hope entirely and was muttering something about exploring not-biological options she suddenly came out with 'don't do that'.
She said her mother was 40+ when getting children and as a child she hadn't liked that. (My grandma was suffering diabetes and relied on my aunt as her little helper. This may have had something to do with it. Or not. I was too flabbergasted to ask) Also I shouldn't consider foster children, that was too hard for me. (She is right, but geez) I should join this orchestra she found for me, start a day job again, play organised sports, move on with my life and accomplish something again. It 'd make me happy.
Pfew.
HB consoled me that at least she had given me her honest opinion, based on her experience in life. And DP said he didn't want us to be too old either, that we should take extra care of our health so we keep fit.

Just now my brother texted me he had some airline discount vouchers valid till the end of this year, if I was interested. I asked DP, and he said 'Spain'.
Wow.