It's well documented, this phenomenon. For a couple sharing household duties each party feels that (s)he is doing more than her/his share.
And I hate it.
DP doesn't seem too happy about it either.
There is always more to do, never an end to laundry. The dishwasher broke so we have to arrange a replacement and do dishes by hand in the mean time. The house is cluttering up.
We have completely given up on cleaning the windows or the balcony years ago.
I guess we try to be efficient in doing all the bits and pieces. But I just realised (once again) that when you split the duties and optimise all time spend on chores we and up doing them alone.
And therefore start to feel alone.
So maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself for DP not wanting to do what I think needs to be done right now, and snuggle up with him and Suzy on the couch...
hugs to you
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Out of sorts
Last night I couldn't sleep. And I realised it has been a while since I last lay awake. Before DE there were always big decisions to ponder. Big emotions to deal with. I know having Suzy in the here and now doesn't erase the past, but it does leave me less time and energy to think and ponder about it.
And there it was.
Even though I didn't realise it straight away.
Did start up my laptop and started reading blogs. Having my toes and fingers crossed for May. Reading about Shannon stopping blogging because of a step teenager.
But it took me half this day to realise that two years ago exactly DP and I went to the beach to say farewell to our Knut.
I'm not very good at feeling the happy (for what is) and the sad (for what isn't) on the same day. Do still miss my BambiEyes, feel like I have left things unfinished with my therapy. Probably should accept there is no such thing as being finished with emotions or grief.
So today is a good day to be sad, to remember all we have been through, all we have lost.
Today also happens to be the day someone gave us their old high chair that is very similar to the one we use for Suzy (but on ours the newborn adaptor didn't fit)
So suddenly we had two chairs at the table. One fit for a baby. One empty. The closest thing I can imagine of a picture of a vanished twin. The closest thing to making it tangible. And it is still almost too big to feel all at once.
Tears for today. Tomorrow is another day. Another birthday.
And there it was.
Even though I didn't realise it straight away.
Did start up my laptop and started reading blogs. Having my toes and fingers crossed for May. Reading about Shannon stopping blogging because of a step teenager.
But it took me half this day to realise that two years ago exactly DP and I went to the beach to say farewell to our Knut.
I'm not very good at feeling the happy (for what is) and the sad (for what isn't) on the same day. Do still miss my BambiEyes, feel like I have left things unfinished with my therapy. Probably should accept there is no such thing as being finished with emotions or grief.
So today is a good day to be sad, to remember all we have been through, all we have lost.
Today also happens to be the day someone gave us their old high chair that is very similar to the one we use for Suzy (but on ours the newborn adaptor didn't fit)
So suddenly we had two chairs at the table. One fit for a baby. One empty. The closest thing I can imagine of a picture of a vanished twin. The closest thing to making it tangible. And it is still almost too big to feel all at once.
Tears for today. Tomorrow is another day. Another birthday.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
memories getting hazy-er-der
Some memories I wanted to write something coherent about, but it seems that will not happen before they fade even more. So I'll try it this way.
Our bedroom is in the attic, our bed sheltered under the rafters. Suzy´s crib just of the foot end of the bed. I remember that first time that DP took Suzy to her crib, saying that we both should get some sleep. I tried laying back in my pillows. And slowly realised I was alone in my body. And Suzy was alone in her crib. Alone. ALL ALONE. And had to take her back and hold her close.
Tuesday Feb 26. DP went to the city hall to register Suzy's birth, had an appointment at 11 AM.
At 10:50 I was standing over her crib, looking down on that tiny tiny face. And I remember thinking that for 10 more minutes she would just be ours, mine. So private, so pure, just herself. No number to represent her, no database to know of her, nothing virtual or official. Just that dreamlike reality. I don´t think I was afraid that the bubble would burst, but it did feel a bit less safe somehow.
This week I realised I needed her social security number, so I opened the envelope with her paperwork. And found out the city had given her a tag blanket. Welcoming her as an Amsterdam citizen.
Suzy is eleven days old and I think I´m strong enough to take her outside. Well, with DP carrying her. To the new cake shop that opened 5 doors down the street. I only just made it, had to sit down inside to rest. Then DP walked me back and continued with Suzy to the printer to pick up envelopes for her birth announcement cards.
Suzy in her crib, and I want to sing her a lullaby. The first few times I was just so emotional I choked up, couldn´t even finish the simplest of songs. Now, with months of practice, I sing her Brahms´ Wiegenlied, making up our own lyrics. And bah bah black sheep both in English and in Dutch. And wonder every time how that sheep changes colour in translation ;-)
update: (almost forgot)
the first ten days or so I didn't dare to use deodorant, afraid that Suzy would not learn my natural smell. I was too weak to move anyway, so not sweating
Our bedroom is in the attic, our bed sheltered under the rafters. Suzy´s crib just of the foot end of the bed. I remember that first time that DP took Suzy to her crib, saying that we both should get some sleep. I tried laying back in my pillows. And slowly realised I was alone in my body. And Suzy was alone in her crib. Alone. ALL ALONE. And had to take her back and hold her close.
Tuesday Feb 26. DP went to the city hall to register Suzy's birth, had an appointment at 11 AM.
At 10:50 I was standing over her crib, looking down on that tiny tiny face. And I remember thinking that for 10 more minutes she would just be ours, mine. So private, so pure, just herself. No number to represent her, no database to know of her, nothing virtual or official. Just that dreamlike reality. I don´t think I was afraid that the bubble would burst, but it did feel a bit less safe somehow.
This week I realised I needed her social security number, so I opened the envelope with her paperwork. And found out the city had given her a tag blanket. Welcoming her as an Amsterdam citizen.
Suzy is eleven days old and I think I´m strong enough to take her outside. Well, with DP carrying her. To the new cake shop that opened 5 doors down the street. I only just made it, had to sit down inside to rest. Then DP walked me back and continued with Suzy to the printer to pick up envelopes for her birth announcement cards.
Suzy in her crib, and I want to sing her a lullaby. The first few times I was just so emotional I choked up, couldn´t even finish the simplest of songs. Now, with months of practice, I sing her Brahms´ Wiegenlied, making up our own lyrics. And bah bah black sheep both in English and in Dutch. And wonder every time how that sheep changes colour in translation ;-)
update: (almost forgot)
the first ten days or so I didn't dare to use deodorant, afraid that Suzy would not learn my natural smell. I was too weak to move anyway, so not sweating
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