The visit was lovely. It was nice that it was just SIL and me, and my nephew did everything right, was even awake so he could see me. I was happy to hold him, and he was happy in my arms. So so small. And cute. It was nice to be able to feel what it is we all want. That sometimes this dream comes true. And that it is worth dreaming...
SIL did everything to include me and my feelings, I was almost embarrassed. She even said she realised that her belly at the beach would have been quite a confrontation for me. She deserves a prize.
Things didn't go so smoothly between DP and me. BambiEyes pointed out a lot of things I could say.
I could have said I was grateful for DP holding me while I cried last week. Accepting me being sad.
I could have said I was unhappy he promised to call but didn't, that it makes me feel forgotten and unimportant.
I could have said I got library books on gamete donation for him to read, that that is important to me.
I could have mentioned the #3 homework: we are allowed to disagree. we should try it sometime. and who knows, maybe share our feelings.
I'm frustrated with myself that I know all these things but it is still so hard to put them into words. BambiEyes says I've come a long way in connecting with my feelings. That if I find it hard to say certain things I can make little cheat-cards with nice questions/statements.
Eg, if I feel like screaming "why don't you ever listen"
(-but stop myself, knowing this is not constructive-)
I might say "I would like to talk, when is a good time for you?
Geez, DP even said this week I should book a meeting with him, then I would get my time.....
I'm starting to wonder if that really wasn't a joke.
All this frustration starts to feel like a knot in my stomach again. I keep relaxing my shoulders, but they keep creeping up constantly. And my main instinct remains to run away. Depending on how angry I am I want to take care of other people (I'll mow your lawn!! Let me bake you a pumpkin pie!) or disappear, have a different life (travel the TransSiberia Express with a lover, or work in an african orphanage)
Family legend has it that my Grandma used to pack a suitcase full of shoes every time she was angry. I so understand that....
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'm going
And then, five days after my last post, May asked how the homework went.
Oops.
Ahem.
And I realised I had managed about one and a half point of it. I'd started telling DP the same day, but halfway explaining how difficult I found it to be sad/happy I choked up. DP froze like a deer in the headlights, so very silent he scared me. I crawled on his lap and cried, was comforted by him holding me tight, but he still didn't say anything. I finally asked if he understood anything of what I was saying and he said yes. Later he said he could make the call for me, which I gratefully accepted.
But he didn't call.
On Tuesday I called a cousin who lives in the same city as SIL. He was happy to be my back up plan if I would go visit there, and even suggested the famous (Dutch) line 'I'll be in the neighbourhood anyway'
But I didn't call SIL.
Yesterday DP called his brother, made arrangements to visit on Friday afternoon when he knows I can't be there and didn't breathe a word about me.
HB suggested that DP avoids confrontation as much as I do.
So
this morning I figured I'd bite the bullet and go visit on my own. Today is my last chance for the next two weeks. I dialled, got voicemail, left my message and number and went for a run. My SIL called back, saying she was very happy I called and would love to have me for a visit this afternoon. Said she understands it could be difficult for me but I don't have to hide from her.
And the good news is it will be just her, me and the baby and I'm free to leave anytime I want or need. I can hardly believe people would still like me as a visitor.
Phew.
Relieved, bit excited, bit scared and a bit proud of myself too.
Oops.
Ahem.
And I realised I had managed about one and a half point of it. I'd started telling DP the same day, but halfway explaining how difficult I found it to be sad/happy I choked up. DP froze like a deer in the headlights, so very silent he scared me. I crawled on his lap and cried, was comforted by him holding me tight, but he still didn't say anything. I finally asked if he understood anything of what I was saying and he said yes. Later he said he could make the call for me, which I gratefully accepted.
But he didn't call.
On Tuesday I called a cousin who lives in the same city as SIL. He was happy to be my back up plan if I would go visit there, and even suggested the famous (Dutch) line 'I'll be in the neighbourhood anyway'
But I didn't call SIL.
Yesterday DP called his brother, made arrangements to visit on Friday afternoon when he knows I can't be there and didn't breathe a word about me.
HB suggested that DP avoids confrontation as much as I do.
So
this morning I figured I'd bite the bullet and go visit on my own. Today is my last chance for the next two weeks. I dialled, got voicemail, left my message and number and went for a run. My SIL called back, saying she was very happy I called and would love to have me for a visit this afternoon. Said she understands it could be difficult for me but I don't have to hide from her.
And the good news is it will be just her, me and the baby and I'm free to leave anytime I want or need. I can hardly believe people would still like me as a visitor.
Phew.
Relieved, bit excited, bit scared and a bit proud of myself too.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Homework from BambiEyes
That was an intense session with BambiEyes.
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad. ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...
BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...
Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad. ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...
BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...
Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)
Pfffft, so many different things (that hurt)
And then everything seems to happen at once. This weekend DP's parents are staying with us because their house is without kitchen due to renovations. We don't have a real guest room so we have to shuffle with mattresses. (And I don't fancy sleeping in the boys' bunk bed)
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*
We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*
Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)
*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.
HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*
We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*
Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)
*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.
HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.
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