Koninginnedag

Today is Queens Day in the Netherlands.

The sun came out in the afternoon and my city was almost one big party, dress code orange. Music everywhere, people on the street selling anything from toys to food.

What made it more special than other years is that I ran into FriendofaFriend around the corner where she was selling her children's old toys, with her two girls I think 4 and 6. Her husband was around as well and I couldn't help but notice his eyes were light blue while FoF's were light brown. And while their youngest daughter had brown eyes and blond hair the older girl had dark blue eyes and light brown hair. Normal, lovely kids. So yes, I was trying to imagine what it would be like if indeed we embarked on a DE adventure, have a half sibling...
It was so nice to talk to her, giving her the carrot burger recipe, talking about little life things. We exchanged email and home addresses (after I realised I only knew her first name) and I think we might meet again some time soon to maybe talk a bit more about DE.

Oh, and I did send my CV yesterday. Almost at the exact moment that BambiEyes mentioned work a former colleague emailed about an opportunity, at DP's company again. I only read it on Thursday, called him straight away and he asked if I could send my CV very soon. I need to redo it, but decided to send a slightly updated version from what I had ready instead of being late (or, too late) I can agonise over a better CV later if I need to...

Small steps

BambiEyes saved me again.
That is the good thing of seeing her once a month, she tells me a lot had happened in April.
My cousin said no about DE - and I hid my pain from her.
I made a visit to tiniest and loveliest baby with best mom.
We bought baby clothes together. And I loved pushing the pram.
I went to toy shop to buy a wooden duck with flappy feet to push around for my nephews first birthday. Took it all the way to London. Spent a weekend with my brother, nephew and sister in law. Just growing quiet. Not really feeling the pain then, only really tired.
Dublin was lovely, very impressive and nice to meet my bloggy friends. ( no time or energy to process so many emotions. Just kept running around to pack all the good experiences in two days)
Back home so so tired. No words to describe to DP what I feel.
DP just going on about making holiday plans with his kids and I don't know how to say I'm dreading that something horrible.

Soooo, said BambiEyes, that's an awful lot to go through! And locking up sadness is only making you depressed. Asking the big questions is too hard and making you feel down even more. Therefore: Small Steps, Small Questions.
Trying to answer the question if I'll ever be able to be a happy stepgrandmother is like trying to prevent world war three. Says my BambiEyes.
Talk to DP, even though you don't know all the answers. First find a way to break up next weeks holiday in day trips with breaks for me. Take DP out, sit on a terrasje and talk. Or hold hands. Be together.
And think about working a bit, because working with my emotions all day is getting a bit much.

Then I went home much relieved.
The newspaper had a recipe for carrot burgers with garlic-mint-mayonnaise which I made, so yummy and healthy tasting. After that I dragged DP out of the house even though he claimed to be too tired. We walked, tried talking, I cried on his shoulder, I shared my feelings. He seemed to take it all in his stride. This morning while he was still sleepy I asked him how it made him feel. Nothing special he said. {message from Venus to Mars: I am looking for compassion, for sharing sadness and joy. I'm hoping you will make me feel safe with you. This answer only makes me feel you don't care!} When I then asked if he was getting tired of me being depressed, if he just wanted this to be over he said I must not think that.

So small steps, small questions. And taking better care of myself. Because BambiEyes said, yes, really, that I need to take care of myself in order to take care of my possible unborn future little ones.

Library

Went to the library this morning and started looking up books on egg cell donation. Three of them in total, and none available right now.
Secretly I was relieved.
I guess ever since the last meeting at BambiEyes I haven't really understood myself. For a year I had been thinking about donor eggs, since this winter I have been communicating about it (well, been trying to) and now that I have some answers I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I would be.
Maybe it bugs me with the whole infertility shebang that feelings can be so strong sometimes, but so hard to put into words other times.

With the blog it seemed logical that I would write about London and Dublin but somehow I was too tired. In my little travel guidebook it even said to stop and enjoy the peace and quiet of the seaside walk I was doing. Instead I walked quicker, trying to avoid my thoughts...

Maybe not so strange I felt sad when I was home again. I don't know. Was I really thinking the answers about my relationship with DP would come to me on that trip? Would my life be more bearable without stepkids? would it really be easier to move on to a childless partner to maybe have DE baby with, or maybe travel more together and cope without children together?
Would I never manage to keep a relationship longer than 5 years?

Tomorrow I'll see BambiEyes, hope she can show me how to untie this knot I'm in...

Dublin Blog Dinner

Plans!
I've booked my tickets: Rail and Sail on the way in on Monday 19th of April arriving in Dublin round 17h.
I'll fly out again on the Thursday. So I'd like to invite you all for a dinner somewhere in between.
Please vote for Monday Tuesday or Wednesday! (well, if you intend to come that is)
I'm hoping for a simple but nice place where we can talk, so suggestions for your fav EKO cafe are very welcome too, since I've never been to Dublin before.

This weekend was family weekend from my mothers family. Much fun was had in a brightly coloured family-farm.
It was so good to cook for twelve people! If I had been born 200 years ago and would have had all my dream babies, who knows if it would have been anything like that. (DP, if you should ever read this, remember this is my diary, my dreams and fears. Not everything is a plan to make a reality.) Farm was in the middle of nowhere, and much cycling was done. Loved it.
Was a bit awkward cycling next to -- o my, how am I going to tell all my cousins and their partners apart?-- boyfriend-of-no-DE-favourite-cousin. Totally avoided the whole DE question. But it took the shine off a little of seeing my favourite cousin again. I didn't want to share my sadness, wanted to pretend nothing has changed. It seemed to work for everyone else.
Managed to be in a different part of the farmhouse when my brother was telling stories about little nephew. Saturday I'll be off to London for his first birthday. I find it difficult to 'feel like an aunt', just don't know what an aunt should feel like.
If I look back I have one (childless by choice) aunt who is like a second mother to me and lives close by. Four other aunts, gosh how do I say, lovely (in-law?) family members I've always taken for granted? They are just there? Special but not special?
So maybe I shouldn't worry about not feeling very aunty like, being in a different country and all.
My brother mentioned to DP he was happy I'm finally visiting. I'll try to be happy yet another weekend.
And afterwards a British train should rock me for hours, then a ferry can cover my face with salty Irish spray. Hope Dublin will embrace another infertile, will fill me with wonder. And Good Food!

Easter survived

Dragons were tamed, Friday was Good.

After crying on BFG shoulder on Thursday I was home late enough that everyone was in bed already. (YoungerStepson almost 7, OlderStepson almost 11 and DP too) Just one night before facing Friday. I knew beforehand that a whole day at home with the boys would mean trouble. I needed a Plan, and the Plan was dragon movie with a twist: I invited the neighbour's kid too. He is only 5 and a half and adores the bigger boys, while in turn the boys understand they have to be a bit more careful and not fight all the time.
We started the day with inline skating on our local playground, everyone on the next pair of skates, bigger feet again... Oldest kid on my old skates! The weather was nice so we had a good hour to release some energy before the movie.
I was a bit hesitant to go to the 3D version, and neighbour agreed with me and drove all of us to the mega cinema for a 2D early afternoon showing.
The boys were fine, and came out with their arms wide, flying like dragons. Having so much fun that neighbour and me could sit down for fresh mint tea. Relaxed conversation swinging back and forth between my infertility and grief and her pregnancy, my counsellor and her baby-girlie-wallpaper she had bought while we were in the cinema. She understands enough to not be insensitive, I think she is still a bit shocked by her miscarriage last summer. (I think she was 12 weeks or so, and needed a D&C as well) She never had much chance to grieve before this pregnancy I think. But this was not discussed.
I was happy I didn't have to face the day alone and think in the end the day was good for everyone.
Cooked a simple macaroni-ham-cheese dinner (OK, I admit I snuck in small pieces of tomato/carrot/celery/sweet pepper) mostly because that was my favourite food way back. And because I expected little kid-resistance that way. It worked. YS asked if we could have this more often.

Then I was tired.
Saturday morning when I was trying to relax in the shower, working up the energy to face the kids THREE more days I was crying when DP suddenly walked in on me. When he asked what's wrong I only gave him the short version, that I find it hard to have to think so much about having a baby. I didn't have the breath to tell him how hard his proposed 'trade-off' is for me, to take on his kids as if they are mine before we have more. I can't do it I don't think.
We don't even dare to take the boys for a haircut for fear of upsetting their mother. They look like mushrooms now.
Saturday we went to the beach. My highschool girlfriend's parents still have a seaside apartment, and she goes there with her husband and almost 3 year old son. With curly hair, dark lashes and blue eyes he is irresistible. And cute.
After the rain clouds cleared the sun came out and we went for a walk on the beach.
I think it was the first time ever I saw sea stars on a Dutch beach! Have to grab DPs phone tonight so I can show off precious little picture.
Sunday was time out day.
Monday we travelled by train to DPs parents, as did his brother with his family. So again an afternoon with three boys (nephew is two and a half) No wonder I'm spent. DP had not dared to tell me his parents had ordered a cold 'fish-dish' for dinner again, he was afraid I wouldn't come... But I was past caring. I can survive on buttered toast and eat salmon just for show.
As a treat on the way back we took a gamble with changing trains: from silly stops-everywhere-train arriving 20:08 to smooth international train leaving 20:08 on different platform and it paid off. Running up and down stairs, hopping over suitcases delaying its timely departure. Nice seats, hardly any stops. For 58 minutes it was just the two of us, together. Easter survived.

He said maybe, she said no

Even before gardening yesterday my cousin told me her answer was no. She had given it serious thought, discussed it with her boyfriend and her best (girl) friend but kept having doubts. And therefore wisely said she shouldn't do it.
Most likely she wouldn't have made it through the screening anyway.

Gardening was nice, ripping out slabs of stone covered with mud and grass. Good let out for hidden anger and pain. On the outside we had a good time together. On the inside I was slowly crumbling...
After another cup of tea I fled before dinner. So grateful that BigFriendlyGiant lives in the same city, would meet me for dinner with just minutes notice. And lend me his shoulder to cry on. Many more minutes.

Rationally I knew this would happen. Emotionally it still hurts. I guess that's OK.
It's just that in the past week two strangers remarked how alike we were, we could be sisters.