DP's oldest is now 15, very tall and skinny.
next school year he does the final exam of his school, and already information sessions for higher education are under way. He likes economics.
And even though the info was for a city close to where he lives now, he realised that maybe he could go to an economics school in Amsterdam too.... (!)
DP was smiling when he told me. And I'm smiling too.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
stress, holidays and a loss
Deeeeep Sigh.
I don't want to keep moaning about work, but it is stressful (and apparently it keeps me from blogging)
O well, meetings with HR, rewriting of plans, update reports, stupid meetings with hipster boss, coaching from HR, sessions with BambiEyes. All very grown up and boring. All reasons to put energy in leaving that behind.
Then Saturday we had 'Secret Santa' with all cousins C1 - C9 and partners and one baby. All good fun, and Suzy's Santa had wrapped her about 8 gifts with 6 little poems so she had a busy evening.
Sunday evening J called, my childhood photographer friend. His partner had been suicidal for months, treatment was fruitless. Now he had disappeared. No note, no trace (no phone no wallet no keys) My poor J. I find it unbelievable, the amount of disaster in his life. Suicide is always hard, but disappearance seems a different category of unbearable. He asked me to write something, but I'm not sure where or how.
(must read kinda funny if you only know me through me writing my blog, but somehow this doesn't really count as writing. Cause I still believe I can't write!)
On the one hand this puts the job stress into perspective. On the other hand it shows that it is important to do work and feel valued (and not feel like a failure and have a mental health collapse and not find a way out)
An, our common childhood friend emailed me with the news as well. And in the same email asked if we can meet up in the next vacation. Maybe the best way through the dark days is sharing light and warmth together?
I don't want to keep moaning about work, but it is stressful (and apparently it keeps me from blogging)
O well, meetings with HR, rewriting of plans, update reports, stupid meetings with hipster boss, coaching from HR, sessions with BambiEyes. All very grown up and boring. All reasons to put energy in leaving that behind.
Then Saturday we had 'Secret Santa' with all cousins C1 - C9 and partners and one baby. All good fun, and Suzy's Santa had wrapped her about 8 gifts with 6 little poems so she had a busy evening.
Sunday evening J called, my childhood photographer friend. His partner had been suicidal for months, treatment was fruitless. Now he had disappeared. No note, no trace (no phone no wallet no keys) My poor J. I find it unbelievable, the amount of disaster in his life. Suicide is always hard, but disappearance seems a different category of unbearable. He asked me to write something, but I'm not sure where or how.
(must read kinda funny if you only know me through me writing my blog, but somehow this doesn't really count as writing. Cause I still believe I can't write!)
On the one hand this puts the job stress into perspective. On the other hand it shows that it is important to do work and feel valued (and not feel like a failure and have a mental health collapse and not find a way out)
An, our common childhood friend emailed me with the news as well. And in the same email asked if we can meet up in the next vacation. Maybe the best way through the dark days is sharing light and warmth together?
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Cabaret
Friday, a rotten day at work.
7 pm, Delia on the phone, if I could arrange last minute child care and be at the theatre at 8?? DP would only be home with the boys around 9 so I had a one hour gap to fill and around 30 minutes to do it in. While preparing Suzy for bed I made some phone calls (parents not home, no answer on mobile) and thankfully my Aunt who does Monday afternoon babysitting was happy to jump on her bike without hesitation. Uncle would follow 10 minutes later, so he had still some time to pour the freshly brewed coffee in their thermos and bring it :)
It was marvellous to be out on the street five to eight on a Friday night. There were people about! going places, talking, having fun. And I was one of them.
Cabaret was good to take my mind of work.
Because this Friday was the day hipster boss chose to present me my "improvement plan". The meeting was supposed to be from 10 - 11 am. The first half hour he kept stressing he put a lot of thought and effort into his plan, while at the same time saying I should make "action plans". Among which one where I were to find ways to improve myself and how to prove I did that. Another one to change the way of working between our team and two other departments. At 10:33 I felt the trembling of my lip getting worse, I couldn't hold my pencil still anymore. I squeaked that we should discuss the rest of his plan at a later time while I was getting up and leaving the room.
I was lucky that HB was at his desk and had some time to listen to me. He suggested I talk with the same HR lady as before and share my emotions with her. And so I did. (Again, lucky she was available almost immediately) I spoke with her for almost an hour. After confirming this plan was probably ridiculous she did ask if I even wanted to try and jump through hoops. She was willing to help equally in finding me a new job.
During lunch DP was saying things like hipster boss might be under pressure, that maybe it was a matter of staying power.
After lunch hipster boss presented his reorganisation of the team in the team meeting. It looked remarkably like my "improvement plan".
Saturday morning DP looked at my boss's papers. And changed his mind. He said the plan was so much out of line in so many ways that I should reject it completely. And start looking for a new job. He started smiling and saying we could make hipster boss's life miserable, that between DP, HB, HR lady and me we'd be smarter than hipster and show him all the ways he is wrong.
The thought of leaving this job is a relief. Waging war not so much.
Saturday morning we looked at this
7 pm, Delia on the phone, if I could arrange last minute child care and be at the theatre at 8?? DP would only be home with the boys around 9 so I had a one hour gap to fill and around 30 minutes to do it in. While preparing Suzy for bed I made some phone calls (parents not home, no answer on mobile) and thankfully my Aunt who does Monday afternoon babysitting was happy to jump on her bike without hesitation. Uncle would follow 10 minutes later, so he had still some time to pour the freshly brewed coffee in their thermos and bring it :)
It was marvellous to be out on the street five to eight on a Friday night. There were people about! going places, talking, having fun. And I was one of them.
Cabaret was good to take my mind of work.
Because this Friday was the day hipster boss chose to present me my "improvement plan". The meeting was supposed to be from 10 - 11 am. The first half hour he kept stressing he put a lot of thought and effort into his plan, while at the same time saying I should make "action plans". Among which one where I were to find ways to improve myself and how to prove I did that. Another one to change the way of working between our team and two other departments. At 10:33 I felt the trembling of my lip getting worse, I couldn't hold my pencil still anymore. I squeaked that we should discuss the rest of his plan at a later time while I was getting up and leaving the room.
I was lucky that HB was at his desk and had some time to listen to me. He suggested I talk with the same HR lady as before and share my emotions with her. And so I did. (Again, lucky she was available almost immediately) I spoke with her for almost an hour. After confirming this plan was probably ridiculous she did ask if I even wanted to try and jump through hoops. She was willing to help equally in finding me a new job.
During lunch DP was saying things like hipster boss might be under pressure, that maybe it was a matter of staying power.
After lunch hipster boss presented his reorganisation of the team in the team meeting. It looked remarkably like my "improvement plan".
Saturday morning DP looked at my boss's papers. And changed his mind. He said the plan was so much out of line in so many ways that I should reject it completely. And start looking for a new job. He started smiling and saying we could make hipster boss's life miserable, that between DP, HB, HR lady and me we'd be smarter than hipster and show him all the ways he is wrong.
The thought of leaving this job is a relief. Waging war not so much.
Saturday morning we looked at this
Friday, October 24, 2014
Working in IT
I work in the IT department of a telecom, one of the main projects is getting the 4G project up and running. Today the Friday afternoon drinks were advertised like this:
DP thinks it is kinda lame.
I think it is worse than that. Plus that sponsor sounds way too much like Clomid.
Am I being overly sensitive or is this just really bad taste? (for all of you not working/living in a male
dominated environment)
I think it is worse than that. Plus that sponsor sounds way too much like Clomid.
Am I being overly sensitive or is this just really bad taste? (for all of you not working/living in a male
dominated environment)
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
#Tiny Tuesday
Still on Activelle, now the second box of 28 pills. Soon I'll have to meet with my GP and think of ways to decide if it is working for me.
I think I have less brain fog, and feel more like my former self. You know, the one that is seeing a therapist for light depression.
I think I have less brain fog, and feel more like my former self. You know, the one that is seeing a therapist for light depression.
Monday, October 13, 2014
#MiniMonday Missing boss
Today at work I was told our hipster boss wouldn't be coming in today. He had some appointments to take care of his psychological problems.
Which I find odly ironic.
(it would help to explain his disproportionate reaction to my request last week)
(it would also surprise me if he can take care of it in just a day)
Which I find odly ironic.
(it would help to explain his disproportionate reaction to my request last week)
(it would also surprise me if he can take care of it in just a day)
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Frustration
Deeep Sigh.
Today I moved back to my old desk, leaving behind my spot at the project.
I loved working in that international team. Consultants from Macedonia and India, some Dutch consultants too (among whom Lily's husband, smart guy, talks too much)
Project finished, deadline made successfully, aftercare hardly necessary)
It was so discouraging to see how my old team was struggling even more now. The backlog is huge.
It was time to speak with my boss. I really didn't want to, but putting it off even further would only prolong the misery of trying to ignore his judgement.
I have discussed it with BambiEyes for three weeks now. I will have to accept that in the team and with this hipster-boss it doesn't really matter if I'm really good at my work, it just matters what people's perception is. It´s more about the process than just the result.
And I can´t come to grips with it. My internal voice keeps screaming that content should always be more important than form.I'm so allergic to this big corporation bs about "attitude". DP did explain to me that attitude will always limit the performance score. And that it is hard to measure.
Out of the 12 points of my review I tried to discuss a single one. ONE. (The Agile way of working one) We spoke for about an hour and I still have only a faint idea.
The more I think about it the more attractive the freelance consulting becomes again.
And then he wanted to know why I book 'short medical leave' to leave early on Thursday.
I didn't answer, I just said that I have a recurring medical appointment. Said that I wanted a shorter contract so I could do it in my own time, but they didn't allow that.
But apparently he (or HR) needs more of a reason.
When I asked DP he said that the company is supposed to know what I do or where I am, I'm convinced my medical adventures are private. I don't want to believe the company has a right to know, I find it deeply personal and confidential.
Today I moved back to my old desk, leaving behind my spot at the project.
I loved working in that international team. Consultants from Macedonia and India, some Dutch consultants too (among whom Lily's husband, smart guy, talks too much)
Project finished, deadline made successfully, aftercare hardly necessary)
It was so discouraging to see how my old team was struggling even more now. The backlog is huge.
It was time to speak with my boss. I really didn't want to, but putting it off even further would only prolong the misery of trying to ignore his judgement.
I have discussed it with BambiEyes for three weeks now. I will have to accept that in the team and with this hipster-boss it doesn't really matter if I'm really good at my work, it just matters what people's perception is. It´s more about the process than just the result.
And I can´t come to grips with it. My internal voice keeps screaming that content should always be more important than form.I'm so allergic to this big corporation bs about "attitude". DP did explain to me that attitude will always limit the performance score. And that it is hard to measure.
Out of the 12 points of my review I tried to discuss a single one. ONE. (The Agile way of working one) We spoke for about an hour and I still have only a faint idea.
The more I think about it the more attractive the freelance consulting becomes again.
I didn't answer, I just said that I have a recurring medical appointment. Said that I wanted a shorter contract so I could do it in my own time, but they didn't allow that.
But apparently he (or HR) needs more of a reason.
When I asked DP he said that the company is supposed to know what I do or where I am, I'm convinced my medical adventures are private. I don't want to believe the company has a right to know, I find it deeply personal and confidential.
Monday, September 29, 2014
When bad news is good news
Last week Tuesday HB had to leave early from work because something
had happened to his mother that left her unresponsive and unable to eat
or drink. When he got there they told him it was probably a tia (or mini-stroke) and the first 24 hours would make the difference.On
Wednesday morning he texted to say she had managed to drink something.
On Wednesday evening came the news that would normally be the bad news:
she was nibbling on the plants in the room.
If we assume for a moment that the nursing staff would pick something else for first food it would mean she moves about a bit again and tried to eat.
It is so weird that even sad situation can seem good after it was worse...
Haven't had a chance to talk with HB privately, and I can well imagine he didn't want to talk much about it at work. Not sure if I feel more sad or relieved, she almost died, but didn't.
And you wouldn't say that when she recovers from this she is back to her former self, as her stage of dementia was already so advanced there is little left of her former self.
Thankfully HB is a huggable person (to me), because sometimes there is not much to say...
(Sorry, forgot to hit publish last week, HB seems back to normal now)
If we assume for a moment that the nursing staff would pick something else for first food it would mean she moves about a bit again and tried to eat.
It is so weird that even sad situation can seem good after it was worse...
Haven't had a chance to talk with HB privately, and I can well imagine he didn't want to talk much about it at work. Not sure if I feel more sad or relieved, she almost died, but didn't.
And you wouldn't say that when she recovers from this she is back to her former self, as her stage of dementia was already so advanced there is little left of her former self.
Thankfully HB is a huggable person (to me), because sometimes there is not much to say...
(Sorry, forgot to hit publish last week, HB seems back to normal now)
Sunday, September 21, 2014
It's not going away
In the first week of taking HRT I think I forgot to once or twice. And discovered the wheely packaging wasn't convenient at all for skipping one. Haven't read up if I should skip or take two the next day, I guess I should find out. Because now there is bleeding going on. Light days, but I don't think they should be happening at all. blergh.
On Thursday DP and I tried to discuss what I should do about my bad review at work. DP was saying that no matter how much I disagree I still have to accept that in the reality of hipster boss something is wrong and I have to fix it. (blergh)
He said it is common to have an "improvement plan" and have weekly half hour meetings. To discuss said improvements. DP said that if I refuse it will be easy to fire me at the end of the year/next six months. (More Blergh)
I SO do not want a babysitting boss. No matter how normal that may be.
Then again, I'm not sure if I can muster the energy to go look for a consulting gig again. It might be hard to find something part time, don't really know.
I know I am stubborn. I know I am impatient with people who don't know their job (the flip side of 'I love to work with smart people who know what they are doing)
I'm willing to accept I have a huge blind spot for anything else that could be perceived as wrong with me. Not so much willing to "improve".
Is it a side effect of trying to accept the Universe the way it is rather than the way I wanted it?
Pffff, my stomach is tying itself in knots thinking about it again, still really quite upset about this review melarky. HB suggested I should try find out what makes me so angry first. DP warned me that ignoring it is not going to make it go away.
I hate feeling like it doesn't matter what I think/feel. Is this post running around in circles? Sorry for that, I'll stop now.
On Thursday DP and I tried to discuss what I should do about my bad review at work. DP was saying that no matter how much I disagree I still have to accept that in the reality of hipster boss something is wrong and I have to fix it. (blergh)
He said it is common to have an "improvement plan" and have weekly half hour meetings. To discuss said improvements. DP said that if I refuse it will be easy to fire me at the end of the year/next six months. (More Blergh)
I SO do not want a babysitting boss. No matter how normal that may be.
Then again, I'm not sure if I can muster the energy to go look for a consulting gig again. It might be hard to find something part time, don't really know.
I know I am stubborn. I know I am impatient with people who don't know their job (the flip side of 'I love to work with smart people who know what they are doing)
I'm willing to accept I have a huge blind spot for anything else that could be perceived as wrong with me. Not so much willing to "improve".
Is it a side effect of trying to accept the Universe the way it is rather than the way I wanted it?
Pffff, my stomach is tying itself in knots thinking about it again, still really quite upset about this review melarky. HB suggested I should try find out what makes me so angry first. DP warned me that ignoring it is not going to make it go away.
I hate feeling like it doesn't matter what I think/feel. Is this post running around in circles? Sorry for that, I'll stop now.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
In the Park
Yesterday we went to the Vondelpark with Suzy. She is
18 almost 19 months now, and runs around in that toddler way. Playing in the
sand, running over to the climbing blocks, back to the sand. Then other people started to
arrive, among them twin boys her age. One was up on the blocks all the
time, the other came over to play with Suzy. At some point she fell,
and his older brother came over to tell him to be gentle, and give her a
hug or a kiss. While I don't teach Suzy to kiss people I thought it
quite cute. She had no idea what was going on and looked a bit
perplexed.
All while those twins were around I could feel some knocking on a little closed door inside me.
Later that evening I found myself on youtube. watching twin videos.
People have been posting about the research, that says that letting go of the dream is ehhhh, well, it doesn't say it is the hardest part, it just points out that people who don't let go have "worse mental health outcomes".
All while those twins were around I could feel some knocking on a little closed door inside me.
Later that evening I found myself on youtube. watching twin videos.
Today I was rereading my own posts about Suzy's vanishing twin, letting my tears out.
O well, that is the way of grief, it pops up every now and then.
People have been posting about the research, that says that letting go of the dream is ehhhh, well, it doesn't say it is the hardest part, it just points out that people who don't let go have "worse mental health outcomes".
For
me it is still a bit of a fine line. I dreamt of twins in my heart of
hearts.( For a loooong time, I picked boy twin names in 1993!!! ) For almost two months I believed it was happening, and then it wasn't anymore.
Most days I'm happy to give Suzy my full attention, it is just when I see twin strollers I'm reminded of what didn't happen. And apparently it is one step harder when twins her age are getting close up and personal.Thursday, September 11, 2014
Mid year review
I need to vent about my boss. Today I had my mid year review (it is a mandatory thing)
With the boss who hired me I always had good to very good reviews. He knew the system and trained me on it to do more complicated stuff than my other team members.
This new hipster-boss doesn't know what I am doing, he admits that. So he talked for an hour about my 'attitude and behaviour' and found me lacking. Officially. He tried to explain to me how and why.
I sat there listening, trying to make sense of his words. But I didn't recognise anything. I almost started wondering if he was really talking about me. But every so often he said again I was capable of so much more, I guess that is the only thing we agree on.
I suppose the thing is I don't want to work on my full level because my company doesn't offer me a position on that level. I feel i have asked them repeatedly and it is just not happening.
(And I'm sick and tired of being a low paid woman doing the work where an overpaid man takes the praise for it. Or, when the overpaid man screws up his work tries to blame me)
Then in the afternoon we had our yearly IT event. We were so lucky with the weather, sun and wind, great to be outside. With 155 people we went on a boat to the world heritage site of the island of Pampus, where we had a tour, drinks and played children's games and Viking's Chess: Kubb. When I threw the winning block we were high fiving and I forgot all about being upset and wanting to cry.
(During lunch DP and HB advised me to let it go for a day or two, and then read it over, start asking questions and gather information. HB also joked that next time they would sit in on my review, wearing sunglasses)
With the boss who hired me I always had good to very good reviews. He knew the system and trained me on it to do more complicated stuff than my other team members.
This new hipster-boss doesn't know what I am doing, he admits that. So he talked for an hour about my 'attitude and behaviour' and found me lacking. Officially. He tried to explain to me how and why.
I sat there listening, trying to make sense of his words. But I didn't recognise anything. I almost started wondering if he was really talking about me. But every so often he said again I was capable of so much more, I guess that is the only thing we agree on.
I suppose the thing is I don't want to work on my full level because my company doesn't offer me a position on that level. I feel i have asked them repeatedly and it is just not happening.
(And I'm sick and tired of being a low paid woman doing the work where an overpaid man takes the praise for it. Or, when the overpaid man screws up his work tries to blame me)
Then in the afternoon we had our yearly IT event. We were so lucky with the weather, sun and wind, great to be outside. With 155 people we went on a boat to the world heritage site of the island of Pampus, where we had a tour, drinks and played children's games and Viking's Chess: Kubb. When I threw the winning block we were high fiving and I forgot all about being upset and wanting to cry.
(During lunch DP and HB advised me to let it go for a day or two, and then read it over, start asking questions and gather information. HB also joked that next time they would sit in on my review, wearing sunglasses)
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Activelle
Managed to go to my GP today.
The blood test result or letter from the hospital had not arrived, but thankfully my doctor was happy to take my word for it. Updated thyroid pill prescription to 112microgram, so I don't have to break 75 microgram pills in half anymore to add the right amount.
New is the HRT, she is starting me on Activelle: 1mg estradiol and 0.5 mg norethisterone acetate.
Also managed to go to the pharmacy to pick it up.
What is so special about this pill it needs to be in a silly round box? And why put it in a transparent box if it must not be exposed to light?
Why call it a calendar box if I will not get a cycle?
My GP told me I was lucky that her senior partner had just retired, he was against HRT. Apparently Dutch doctors are divided about prescribing it, very worried about The Possible Increase Of Cancer Risk (mainly Ovarian and Breast cancer)
Just reading some more of the info, it says not to use HRT while breastfeeding. WHY? (Probably because no research has been done on babies?)
I'm going to ignore that for now.
The blood test result or letter from the hospital had not arrived, but thankfully my doctor was happy to take my word for it. Updated thyroid pill prescription to 112microgram, so I don't have to break 75 microgram pills in half anymore to add the right amount.
New is the HRT, she is starting me on Activelle: 1mg estradiol and 0.5 mg norethisterone acetate.
Also managed to go to the pharmacy to pick it up.
What is so special about this pill it needs to be in a silly round box? And why put it in a transparent box if it must not be exposed to light?
Why call it a calendar box if I will not get a cycle?
My GP told me I was lucky that her senior partner had just retired, he was against HRT. Apparently Dutch doctors are divided about prescribing it, very worried about The Possible Increase Of Cancer Risk (mainly Ovarian and Breast cancer)
Just reading some more of the info, it says not to use HRT while breastfeeding. WHY? (Probably because no research has been done on babies?)
I'm going to ignore that for now.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Milestone Monday
Certain things are easy to teach, other things surprisingly difficult.
Today Suzy reached the tiniest of milestones, more of a milepebble: she could blow her nose.
It is still a bit of a mystery to her, but she was so proud she could hold the tissue herself. (She even forgot to shred it, like she normally does when she gets her hands on a tissue)
Today Suzy reached the tiniest of milestones, more of a milepebble: she could blow her nose.
It is still a bit of a mystery to her, but she was so proud she could hold the tissue herself. (She even forgot to shred it, like she normally does when she gets her hands on a tissue)
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Warm Waves
Warm waves.
Sometimes I start feeling warm when I enter Suzy's room when it's hot.
(Sorry Suzy, we didn't know your room would be the hottest room in the house during sunny summer days)
Sometimes the warmth creeps in when I drink tea.
Sometimes there is no reason at all for me to start feeling warm.
I'm not sure if this is what other people would call hot flashes. It is not that hot, if I remove one layer of clothing I'm fine again. It is not all that flashy fast, more a wave rolling in.
I have skipped a period. Or, taken a little break. Won't know till another CD 1 comes around.
Sigh, I don't know what is happening.
And I don't know if I'm ready to hear it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote that in August. It looks like I'm in denial about hot flashes. It looks like I was in denial about every possible symptom of POF other than infertility.
Fran said in her comment to read up on it.
"Estrogen-progestin replacement therapy should be instituted as soon as the diagnosis is made. Androgen replacement should also be considered for women with low libido, persistent fatigue, and poor well-being despite taking adequate estrogen replacement." according to PubMed
I realise this study is almost 15 years old, and maybe contradictory studies have been done since.
BUT, I was diagnosed, what, 6 years ago? Someone, somewhere along the line could a doctor could have said something?
Little point in worrying over my bone density now. I have been fairly active most of those years and haven't broken anything. (And we Dutch people love our dairy products)
I'll just go out after writing and get some Calcium&Vit D tablets again. The minty ones are good.
On Monday I'll call my GP for an appointment. And give instructions to read up on HRT.
And a repeat subscription for thyroid meds.
Sometimes I start feeling warm when I enter Suzy's room when it's hot.
(Sorry Suzy, we didn't know your room would be the hottest room in the house during sunny summer days)
Sometimes the warmth creeps in when I drink tea.
Sometimes there is no reason at all for me to start feeling warm.
I'm not sure if this is what other people would call hot flashes. It is not that hot, if I remove one layer of clothing I'm fine again. It is not all that flashy fast, more a wave rolling in.
I have skipped a period. Or, taken a little break. Won't know till another CD 1 comes around.
Sigh, I don't know what is happening.
And I don't know if I'm ready to hear it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote that in August. It looks like I'm in denial about hot flashes. It looks like I was in denial about every possible symptom of POF other than infertility.
Fran said in her comment to read up on it.
"Estrogen-progestin replacement therapy should be instituted as soon as the diagnosis is made. Androgen replacement should also be considered for women with low libido, persistent fatigue, and poor well-being despite taking adequate estrogen replacement." according to PubMed
I realise this study is almost 15 years old, and maybe contradictory studies have been done since.
BUT, I was diagnosed, what, 6 years ago? Someone, somewhere along the line could a doctor could have said something?
Little point in worrying over my bone density now. I have been fairly active most of those years and haven't broken anything. (And we Dutch people love our dairy products)
I'll just go out after writing and get some Calcium&Vit D tablets again. The minty ones are good.
On Monday I'll call my GP for an appointment. And give instructions to read up on HRT.
And a repeat subscription for thyroid meds.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Verdict: Nothing Wrong
On August 4th , just after Summer Holidays, I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist in the hospital. On the way there, on my bike I slipped on wet cobble stones while turning into Vondelpark, so I arrived with a cut in my hand and scraped elbow and knees.
I felt kinda funny asking for a band aid at the reception of a hospital.
The first part of the appointment was with a medical student. This girl was well prepared, had three pages of tight scribbles, asking for several symptoms of glands/internal organs/functions I was only dimly aware of. Spleen, liver, adrenal. It took about an hour.
After I had some time to sip tea from my thermos, the specialist herself had some time, grabbed two different lab sheets and after asking questions for ten minutes started ticking boxes.
Auto-immune, thyroid check, diabetes, anaemia, vitamin deficiencies, the female hormones.
We agreed I should try to have my blood drawn on CD5 to find out more about this returning cycle of mine.
You guessed it: cycle gone.
After a month the Dr called to tell me I should have the blood draw anyway, so I did; last Friday.
Today she called me, to tell me there was nothing out of the ordinary in the lab results.
Sooooo, in a way this is good news, thyroid medical level is OK, no underlying illness. Just confirmation of menopause being here for me (FSH 49)
But this means there is no biomedical reason for me to be forgetful, unfocussed or tired.
As these things happen I discussed this option this very same morning with BambiEyes.
She reminded me that intelligent people use the prefrontal cortex for planning. foreseeing the results of your actions, then planning your actions for optimal result/efficiency/logistics. And that also this functioning suffers when you're tired. Plus with a toddler in the house there is a lot more planning to do.
(e.g. Suzy is too young to tell me she is thirsty, so I have to keep track of how much and how often she drinks)
So I shouldn't be surprised that with more planning to do and less capacity I don't feel as capable as before.
oh, for the people looking for advantages/silver linings of not having children: please add memory and planning to your list. And not having to have dinner before baby bed time.
Where was I.
Ah, hormones. Will have to look into early menopause and its symptoms, hormone replacement therapy and keep an eye on that thyroid.
(And try to find friends with young children and ask to what degree they got their body/brain back and when)
Why do I keep thinking this is all my own fault? "just focus" is the new "just relax"?
I felt kinda funny asking for a band aid at the reception of a hospital.
The first part of the appointment was with a medical student. This girl was well prepared, had three pages of tight scribbles, asking for several symptoms of glands/internal organs/functions I was only dimly aware of. Spleen, liver, adrenal. It took about an hour.
After I had some time to sip tea from my thermos, the specialist herself had some time, grabbed two different lab sheets and after asking questions for ten minutes started ticking boxes.
Auto-immune, thyroid check, diabetes, anaemia, vitamin deficiencies, the female hormones.
We agreed I should try to have my blood drawn on CD5 to find out more about this returning cycle of mine.
You guessed it: cycle gone.
After a month the Dr called to tell me I should have the blood draw anyway, so I did; last Friday.
Today she called me, to tell me there was nothing out of the ordinary in the lab results.
Sooooo, in a way this is good news, thyroid medical level is OK, no underlying illness. Just confirmation of menopause being here for me (FSH 49)
But this means there is no biomedical reason for me to be forgetful, unfocussed or tired.
As these things happen I discussed this option this very same morning with BambiEyes.
She reminded me that intelligent people use the prefrontal cortex for planning. foreseeing the results of your actions, then planning your actions for optimal result/efficiency/logistics. And that also this functioning suffers when you're tired. Plus with a toddler in the house there is a lot more planning to do.
(e.g. Suzy is too young to tell me she is thirsty, so I have to keep track of how much and how often she drinks)
So I shouldn't be surprised that with more planning to do and less capacity I don't feel as capable as before.
oh, for the people looking for advantages/silver linings of not having children: please add memory and planning to your list. And not having to have dinner before baby bed time.
Where was I.
Ah, hormones. Will have to look into early menopause and its symptoms, hormone replacement therapy and keep an eye on that thyroid.
(And try to find friends with young children and ask to what degree they got their body/brain back and when)
Why do I keep thinking this is all my own fault? "just focus" is the new "just relax"?
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Glorious Summer Days
Twenty-something degrees C, a gentle breeze, light blue sky. I love summer. I love being able to go outside without a jacket. To not pack rain gear just in case.
To feel the sun warm on my skin, a caress.
We had a glorious summer this year, for weeks and weeks. In the middle of August it seemed all over, with the coldest Aug 19th for 90 years. But this week it feels like August again. My Wednesday off work feels like a holiday.
My father was on the phone, he didn't know what to do with himself so we met up on a nearby playground. He told me that now that he is retired he has taken some time off. (ehhh, huh? okay) When the antique shop opened we went looking for a bookcase for all his sheet music.
Suzy was more enthusiastic about vintage teddybears, chinese horses and a set of antlers, and luckily managed not to break anything.
Milestone for today: Suzy managed to put a shoe back ON. Yay. (she is pretty fast in taking shoes and socks off, not always convenient)
I tried to get the results of my extensive blood test from last Friday in the hospital, but the lady on the phone said she wasn't allowed to open my file. I asked if she could send the results to my GP, but same answer. I have to ask the hospital Dr to give instructions to send, then she will send it. I would have thought it is my file, so I should be the one to give instructions. Oh well. At least she could tell me the Dr is scheduled to call me tomorrow and discuss the results.
To feel the sun warm on my skin, a caress.
We had a glorious summer this year, for weeks and weeks. In the middle of August it seemed all over, with the coldest Aug 19th for 90 years. But this week it feels like August again. My Wednesday off work feels like a holiday.
My father was on the phone, he didn't know what to do with himself so we met up on a nearby playground. He told me that now that he is retired he has taken some time off. (ehhh, huh? okay) When the antique shop opened we went looking for a bookcase for all his sheet music.
Milestone for today: Suzy managed to put a shoe back ON. Yay. (she is pretty fast in taking shoes and socks off, not always convenient)
I tried to get the results of my extensive blood test from last Friday in the hospital, but the lady on the phone said she wasn't allowed to open my file. I asked if she could send the results to my GP, but same answer. I have to ask the hospital Dr to give instructions to send, then she will send it. I would have thought it is my file, so I should be the one to give instructions. Oh well. At least she could tell me the Dr is scheduled to call me tomorrow and discuss the results.
Monday, September 1, 2014
How come it's September already?
This weekend was a busy busy weekend. Saturday was the yearly family reunion from DP's family. Good enough weather, Suzy did a good nap and had a good time with distant nieces entertaining her.
I was hugely relieved to talk to some cousin of his who also said she had big memory troubles after having been pregnant.
Sunday was my father's big do for his 70th and retirement. More than 150 people. My brother came over, was so good to have him there. I can't remember why his wife and sons didn't come, (we're so used to that by now we don't even ask) so Suzy was the only small child.
I dressed Suzy in that Italian dress-for-special-occasions and little blue French shoes. She was treated as a star and made many people happy. (She looks a lot like this model now.) Sadly her nap was only half a nap, and she slowly became hyperactive and disturbing to the musicians.
Dinner was supposed to be from 7 till 9 pm, but at 9 the main course still hadn't been served.
I had brought a travel cot / baby tent as back up, but DP felt sorry for Suzy and brought her home.
Sorry if this isn't quite coherent, with all the cleaning up afterwards I only got home after midnight.
But since Mel suggested microblogging Monday I thought something medium would do...
oh and for people wondering about the DE aspect in current life? That first time I found that il gufo dress picture it didn't dawn on me till evening that Suzy would have a fairly large chance to have Italian/Spanish looks!
(And yesterday even my mother happily accepted compliments of Suzy looking like her. She did mention that specifically to me.)(Even though it is probably prednisone that gives my mother baby cheeks)
Now the uncanny look-a-like model does my heart good, and only has a little but-what-if-she-is-a-secret-twin
I was hugely relieved to talk to some cousin of his who also said she had big memory troubles after having been pregnant.
Sunday was my father's big do for his 70th and retirement. More than 150 people. My brother came over, was so good to have him there. I can't remember why his wife and sons didn't come, (we're so used to that by now we don't even ask) so Suzy was the only small child.
I dressed Suzy in that Italian dress-for-special-occasions and little blue French shoes. She was treated as a star and made many people happy. (She looks a lot like this model now.) Sadly her nap was only half a nap, and she slowly became hyperactive and disturbing to the musicians.
Dinner was supposed to be from 7 till 9 pm, but at 9 the main course still hadn't been served.
I had brought a travel cot / baby tent as back up, but DP felt sorry for Suzy and brought her home.
Sorry if this isn't quite coherent, with all the cleaning up afterwards I only got home after midnight.
But since Mel suggested microblogging Monday I thought something medium would do...
oh and for people wondering about the DE aspect in current life? That first time I found that il gufo dress picture it didn't dawn on me till evening that Suzy would have a fairly large chance to have Italian/Spanish looks!
(And yesterday even my mother happily accepted compliments of Suzy looking like her. She did mention that specifically to me.)(Even though it is probably prednisone that gives my mother baby cheeks)
Now the uncanny look-a-like model does my heart good, and only has a little but-what-if-she-is-a-secret-twin
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Room to Breathe
Before the holiday I asked my boss if we could talk about my working hours. Because my unpaid parental leave was running out by July 31th. And I want to keep spending Wednesdays with Suzy. I asked for 70%, leaving myself some room for negotiation up to 80%
He said he would ask his boss, because 'official office policy is to work full time'
but boss-boss was on holiday, so I would hear the answer later. O well.
Holiday was very relaxing.
When I returned he invited me for 'coffee'. Somehow this euphemism for meeting or talk doesn't sit well with me. Especially when he does indeed go to the company restaurant and buys coffee for himself and then offers me tea (I have my own tea maker, why would I pay for tea?)
Anyway, I sat down at his desk at a quiet moment. Asking him for his answer. Then my boss started going on about how apparently he didn't have the legal means to deny me to work part time. So 70% was allright then. Even though he was not happy about it.
One of the reasons behind this is that there are not enough people in the team. My previous boss fired one. My current boss was supposed to hire one, but didn't do it fast enough. Not sure what happened, maybe HR decided that if it took to long he didn't really need it?
And with me cutting back my contract he seems unable to hire a part time person to make up for that as well. Lily has a 80% contract, some other people 90%, there should be enough to hire an extra person if he could talk to the right people in HR and/or control.
I think we concluded before that he is a bit of a nincompoop.
However! There is an upside!
He is now determined that I am better off in the development team, and will try to get me a job there!
Hoping I get my brain into gear before I have to prove I'm up to it.
(I think I have some time as that possible future boss is on holiday now)
He said he would ask his boss, because 'official office policy is to work full time'
but boss-boss was on holiday, so I would hear the answer later. O well.
Holiday was very relaxing.
When I returned he invited me for 'coffee'. Somehow this euphemism for meeting or talk doesn't sit well with me. Especially when he does indeed go to the company restaurant and buys coffee for himself and then offers me tea (I have my own tea maker, why would I pay for tea?)
Anyway, I sat down at his desk at a quiet moment. Asking him for his answer. Then my boss started going on about how apparently he didn't have the legal means to deny me to work part time. So 70% was allright then. Even though he was not happy about it.
One of the reasons behind this is that there are not enough people in the team. My previous boss fired one. My current boss was supposed to hire one, but didn't do it fast enough. Not sure what happened, maybe HR decided that if it took to long he didn't really need it?
And with me cutting back my contract he seems unable to hire a part time person to make up for that as well. Lily has a 80% contract, some other people 90%, there should be enough to hire an extra person if he could talk to the right people in HR and/or control.
I think we concluded before that he is a bit of a nincompoop.
However! There is an upside!
He is now determined that I am better off in the development team, and will try to get me a job there!
Hoping I get my brain into gear before I have to prove I'm up to it.
(I think I have some time as that possible future boss is on holiday now)
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Friendship 301
DP and HB are colleagues and friends for years. The first years I was working at a different company, and contact would just be small talk at the dinner table when DP dragged him home. Sometimes he would clue me in that they needed some time and space for 'man talk' and I would disappear after dinner. DP wouldn't say much, just 'private' and 'relationship trouble'. Then, I started working at the same company.
Shortly afterwards DP said something to me along the lines that he had given up, he felt he could no longer help HB, that something had happened to throw him into depression.
From my own experience of feeling down or slightly depressed I felt that that was the wrong time to leave someone on their own. So I reached out. Travelled to his city to make him tea. To listen. To just be there.
I think in that winter I went there every week. Would take him grocery shopping, would cook so he had at least one warm and nutricious meal. (maybe you can't fix people, you can still try to feed them.)
I nicknamed him HB for heartbroken, thinking that in time I could change that in Happy Bastard. I figured that he had some much love to give that someone would come along and adore him. I didn't believe he would stick to his 'never again' statement. But he has. And I've learned to respect that, have seen his happiness return.
I've read a couple of blogs today, writing about depression, all triggered by the death of Robin Williams and his depression. And I guess all agree you can't really help / fix someone.
At the time DP thought I was overdoing it, with all the caring for HB. But I'm so glad I did. A strong bond was formed (Even though I probably needed HB more than he needed me) and hopefully it will last through all my forgetfulness and baby-centeredness.
I know that HB has an old friend that he calls his best friend, in their own words they are like an old married couple. (they go out drinking every weekend) But to both DP and me he is our best friend. It doesn't matter to me it is asymmetrical.
Life is too short to wait for symmetry. I just have a few friends that are special to me and for that I'm grateful.
Shortly afterwards DP said something to me along the lines that he had given up, he felt he could no longer help HB, that something had happened to throw him into depression.
From my own experience of feeling down or slightly depressed I felt that that was the wrong time to leave someone on their own. So I reached out. Travelled to his city to make him tea. To listen. To just be there.
I think in that winter I went there every week. Would take him grocery shopping, would cook so he had at least one warm and nutricious meal. (maybe you can't fix people, you can still try to feed them.)
I nicknamed him HB for heartbroken, thinking that in time I could change that in Happy Bastard. I figured that he had some much love to give that someone would come along and adore him. I didn't believe he would stick to his 'never again' statement. But he has. And I've learned to respect that, have seen his happiness return.
I've read a couple of blogs today, writing about depression, all triggered by the death of Robin Williams and his depression. And I guess all agree you can't really help / fix someone.
At the time DP thought I was overdoing it, with all the caring for HB. But I'm so glad I did. A strong bond was formed (Even though I probably needed HB more than he needed me) and hopefully it will last through all my forgetfulness and baby-centeredness.
I know that HB has an old friend that he calls his best friend, in their own words they are like an old married couple. (they go out drinking every weekend) But to both DP and me he is our best friend. It doesn't matter to me it is asymmetrical.
Life is too short to wait for symmetry. I just have a few friends that are special to me and for that I'm grateful.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
No Post Like planned
I was going to write tonight.
about the holidays
about tests
about work
and something else on the list as well. (I keep forgetting)
But Suzy keeps crying instead of sleeping, so we keep going up and down the stairs to try to comfort her, and it's not working. And it's 10 pm.
tomorrow is another day.
(UTA: DP took her downstairs and fed her a jam sandwich. At 10 pm. She slept then, so I'll say nothing.)
about the holidays
about tests
about work
and something else on the list as well. (I keep forgetting)
But Suzy keeps crying instead of sleeping, so we keep going up and down the stairs to try to comfort her, and it's not working. And it's 10 pm.
tomorrow is another day.
(UTA: DP took her downstairs and fed her a jam sandwich. At 10 pm. She slept then, so I'll say nothing.)
Friday, July 18, 2014
Better (and MH17)
Cold is better now. Pills, such a very un-dutch solution. You can't get decongestants over the counter here. But very helpful for preventing that eyebrow headache. Thankfully I had some left over from a diving trip.
The news; another plane down, MH 17.
One litlle line grabs me by the throat: they thought there were 280 passengers, but later realised three small children were carried on lap and didn't have their own seat.
283.
Next week Suzy will fly on my lap to Oslo.
Please let us be safe.
Added:
in the course of the day I kept running into people who knew people on the plane. Lady working in the canteen. Canadian/dutch blog lady that I read. Someone in DP's team. HB knew a family. Two degrees of separation, so not awfully close. But more people than I expected.
Someone at work tried to reassure me: going to the airport with your baby is more dangerous than flying to Oslo.
But it was more reassuring driving past Schiphol and see planes landing every 2 minutes. The world keeps turning, even though life doesn't go on for everyone on it.
I managed to stop the tears quite soon, just didn't get any work done. O well, holiday now.
The news; another plane down, MH 17.
One litlle line grabs me by the throat: they thought there were 280 passengers, but later realised three small children were carried on lap and didn't have their own seat.
283.
Next week Suzy will fly on my lap to Oslo.
Please let us be safe.
Added:
in the course of the day I kept running into people who knew people on the plane. Lady working in the canteen. Canadian/dutch blog lady that I read. Someone in DP's team. HB knew a family. Two degrees of separation, so not awfully close. But more people than I expected.
Someone at work tried to reassure me: going to the airport with your baby is more dangerous than flying to Oslo.
But it was more reassuring driving past Schiphol and see planes landing every 2 minutes. The world keeps turning, even though life doesn't go on for everyone on it.
I managed to stop the tears quite soon, just didn't get any work done. O well, holiday now.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Stupid cold
At first I was coughing. Nothing bad.
Then it moved to my throat, owie and yucky, but thankfully kept moving up to my nose. I'm quite good at handling a stuffy nose, it doesn't bother me much.
But THEN! this stupid cold had the audacity to move into my head. On the same day my period decided to show up. I figured I wasn't really sick, just went home to sleep for a couple of hours. But Gah gah gah that was a week ago. I've spend so many hours knock out in bed, sleeping time away. And let me tell you, I'm considering drilling a hole between my eyebrows to let the goo out, I just can't handle the pressure in my head.
Colleagues told me to try steaming (useless), use nose spray (goes straight to my throat cause my nose isn't blocked anymore) and rest. So I'm resting.
DP is not interested in me being sick. He just asks if I'm going to work or not. I have to admit he did pick up Suzy from daycare when it was my day. And when after three days of hardly caring for me I was just getting pissed off with him, he whipped up this BBQ and entertained my friends.
Ah, that was what I wanted to tell you about; J was over from France and staying with us. Invisible guest he was. More like a ghost :-) On the Saturday we had arranged to meet up with An as well. (it took weeks to arrange everyone to be in the same country at the same time, so I wasn't going to cancel just because of a stupid cold)
DP invited her husband and son for dinner, the boys were here so we had a spontaneous BBQ for 9.
J was so pleased to have such a relaxed evening.(His home situation is rather stressful now) Sunday morning J did a family-of-three photo shoot. It's amazing to have a professional take family pics. Sadly THE photo isn't there, so no enormous print (like the size of a TV) but certainly good enough for laptop size.
from the to-do list:
-passport for Suzy is picked up
-summer house on fjord of OSLO is rented
-hotel with parents is booked (family suite, yay)
-managed to get an appointment with endocrinology on Aug 4th
-that doctor also told me already to increase my Thyroid meds from 75 to 112,5 mcg per day
-my brother popped over for a blitz-visit. I managed to get decent little orange outfits for his boys so he could bring them home just in time for the game.
-An's husband brought their 'mountain' baby carrier yes, including the teddy ears!
My head still hurts, going back to bed now. (but it feels good to pop out the black hole and let you know how things are) This stupid cold better not ruin another weekend!
Then it moved to my throat, owie and yucky, but thankfully kept moving up to my nose. I'm quite good at handling a stuffy nose, it doesn't bother me much.
But THEN! this stupid cold had the audacity to move into my head. On the same day my period decided to show up. I figured I wasn't really sick, just went home to sleep for a couple of hours. But Gah gah gah that was a week ago. I've spend so many hours knock out in bed, sleeping time away. And let me tell you, I'm considering drilling a hole between my eyebrows to let the goo out, I just can't handle the pressure in my head.
Colleagues told me to try steaming (useless), use nose spray (goes straight to my throat cause my nose isn't blocked anymore) and rest. So I'm resting.
DP is not interested in me being sick. He just asks if I'm going to work or not. I have to admit he did pick up Suzy from daycare when it was my day. And when after three days of hardly caring for me I was just getting pissed off with him, he whipped up this BBQ and entertained my friends.
Ah, that was what I wanted to tell you about; J was over from France and staying with us. Invisible guest he was. More like a ghost :-) On the Saturday we had arranged to meet up with An as well. (it took weeks to arrange everyone to be in the same country at the same time, so I wasn't going to cancel just because of a stupid cold)
DP invited her husband and son for dinner, the boys were here so we had a spontaneous BBQ for 9.
J was so pleased to have such a relaxed evening.(His home situation is rather stressful now) Sunday morning J did a family-of-three photo shoot. It's amazing to have a professional take family pics. Sadly THE photo isn't there, so no enormous print (like the size of a TV) but certainly good enough for laptop size.
from the to-do list:
-passport for Suzy is picked up
-summer house on fjord of OSLO is rented
-hotel with parents is booked (family suite, yay)
-managed to get an appointment with endocrinology on Aug 4th
-that doctor also told me already to increase my Thyroid meds from 75 to 112,5 mcg per day
-my brother popped over for a blitz-visit. I managed to get decent little orange outfits for his boys so he could bring them home just in time for the game.
-An's husband brought their 'mountain' baby carrier yes, including the teddy ears!
My head still hurts, going back to bed now. (but it feels good to pop out the black hole and let you know how things are) This stupid cold better not ruin another weekend!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
bits and pieces
In the news today: the Netherlands will get its own 2 egg cell banks.
One is actually the medical center where DP and I went to with Fof.
What is new is that now semi-anonymous donor eggs will be available: donor ID will be stored in a government database. And they are starting with an astonishing 20 donors....
In the paper it said they will provide 4 cells per treatment, expected success rate 20-30%
I am so so glad this is behind us.
Holiday tickets are booked.
Passport photo of Suzy is taken, paperwork is done. Pick up next week.
While DP was so very concerned about 5 people and privacy/space issues before, he is now not even planning anything for our 5 nights in Sweden. I have suggested we look into renting a log cabin with multiple bedrooms (Log Cabin! such a holiday thing to do it seems). Because even a big tent like ours only offers virtual/visual privacy. Plus it is plain weird to go into your tent and zip up during the day...
I got a referral from my GP for endocrinology. She even recommended a certain hospital. I even called said hospital. They will give me an appointment if I fax or email the letter of referral. Sadly I do not have a scanner or fax at home. And I forgot to take the letter to work today. [hops of to find letter and put it in office bag][back again] Where was I? Ah, um, I keep forgetting things.
I do yoga again. At the end with the relaxation exercises this teacher (black dancer guy, very expressive body) keep blathering on how we should not be upset, how we should not listen to all the sounds, let go of all thoughts etc. It would help if he would keep his mouth shut! ;-)
I miss your regular blog posts. I know you all have your very different reasons AND I probably spend too much time checking, but I would love to stay connected to all my bloggy friends...
One is actually the medical center where DP and I went to with Fof.
What is new is that now semi-anonymous donor eggs will be available: donor ID will be stored in a government database. And they are starting with an astonishing 20 donors....
In the paper it said they will provide 4 cells per treatment, expected success rate 20-30%
I am so so glad this is behind us.
Holiday tickets are booked.
Passport photo of Suzy is taken, paperwork is done. Pick up next week.
While DP was so very concerned about 5 people and privacy/space issues before, he is now not even planning anything for our 5 nights in Sweden. I have suggested we look into renting a log cabin with multiple bedrooms (Log Cabin! such a holiday thing to do it seems). Because even a big tent like ours only offers virtual/visual privacy. Plus it is plain weird to go into your tent and zip up during the day...
I got a referral from my GP for endocrinology. She even recommended a certain hospital. I even called said hospital. They will give me an appointment if I fax or email the letter of referral. Sadly I do not have a scanner or fax at home. And I forgot to take the letter to work today. [hops of to find letter and put it in office bag][back again] Where was I? Ah, um, I keep forgetting things.
I do yoga again. At the end with the relaxation exercises this teacher (black dancer guy, very expressive body) keep blathering on how we should not be upset, how we should not listen to all the sounds, let go of all thoughts etc. It would help if he would keep his mouth shut! ;-)
I miss your regular blog posts. I know you all have your very different reasons AND I probably spend too much time checking, but I would love to stay connected to all my bloggy friends...
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Still tired
I had my blood tested again, and the thyroid result came back all fine and low-normal, as did the Hb.
Last time my GP said we could try to up the dose if I wanted, I said no. This time, with the same result, I asked if we could up the dose, the assistant said she would relay my request, but I got a prescription for the same dosage. And I'm still tired. I'm gaining weight slowly.
I remember being slightly underweight around Christmas (and in November I was doing 4-5 feeds a day)
around April we cut down to three, now we are on two feeds a day)
So I should be eating and snacking less, but on work days I'm not.
Did I manage to tell you I started on this project at work, in another team? I've been there for 2 weeks now. The first day or two were good-ish, chasing logins and such.
Now I have to get into the lingo and very different work and I'm just sitting there, paralysed. I can't concentrate, no focus, and I can't remember what to do. So I just sit there and eat candy.
BambiEyes encouraged me to ask my GP for a referral letter for an endocrinologist. So, another appointment with my GP coming Wednesday. I guess we know more than when I asked last time: my period seems back and that should not be possible with the sky high (well, menopausal high) LH and FSH and lack of eggs.We also got my thyroid markers back to normal, so that shouldn't be it either.
I guess there could be an(other) hormonal issue, otherwise it leaves me with 'just tired and cranky, let's blame the baby'....
Last time my GP said we could try to up the dose if I wanted, I said no. This time, with the same result, I asked if we could up the dose, the assistant said she would relay my request, but I got a prescription for the same dosage. And I'm still tired. I'm gaining weight slowly.
I remember being slightly underweight around Christmas (and in November I was doing 4-5 feeds a day)
around April we cut down to three, now we are on two feeds a day)
So I should be eating and snacking less, but on work days I'm not.
Did I manage to tell you I started on this project at work, in another team? I've been there for 2 weeks now. The first day or two were good-ish, chasing logins and such.
Now I have to get into the lingo and very different work and I'm just sitting there, paralysed. I can't concentrate, no focus, and I can't remember what to do. So I just sit there and eat candy.
BambiEyes encouraged me to ask my GP for a referral letter for an endocrinologist. So, another appointment with my GP coming Wednesday. I guess we know more than when I asked last time: my period seems back and that should not be possible with the sky high (well, menopausal high) LH and FSH and lack of eggs.We also got my thyroid markers back to normal, so that shouldn't be it either.
I guess there could be an(other) hormonal issue, otherwise it leaves me with 'just tired and cranky, let's blame the baby'....
 |
| The green letters say ART IS THERAPY on Rijksmuseum last night. |
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Shaky
Emboldened by your kind comments I resumed holiday talk on the Sunday night.
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Summer
Suddenly it is summer.
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Shower
mhmm, where to begin...
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C4 isn't much into talking about his late brother, or keepsakes or mementos for that matter.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Yay for Yoga
Even though I was six minutes late I decided to just go. Glad I did.
I've read it on so many blogs that people experience pregnancy /birth waves around them, and finally there is one happening around me.
Former boss , Lily's sister, DP's cousin, my cousin.
Happy for them, and not sad at all for me. But the one miracle baby? That would be baby Delinquent Eggs. So so happy that miracles happen after repeated loss. My confession? I saved the photo of O & K. Like Delinquent said: she is perfect in every way. And I gaze upon that picture every now and then.
I'm terrible at goodbyes, so extra glad that not every good bye is final. And I secretly hope she will blog some more. But realise that is not very likely.
I'm getting a bit better at saying little things about missing Suzy's twin. Today on DP's lap she looked so tiny against his broad shoulders that I said he could easily have two on his lap. It would be more work. We would be more tired. It would be more special. But is it not that we are only "half" happy now. And when I think about it I do feel like I have five kids, including DP's boys, Knut, Suzy and Loki in that count.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
BambiEyes
Who would have thought: BambiEyes is back! It's been two and a half years almost since our last therapy meeting.
It was lovely catching up with her. Great to share all the good news. I was almost tempted to not say anything about my forgetfulness, problems with concentrating (o dear, I forgot the rest of them symptoms) and the fact that my newest boss told me in our very first get-to-know-each-other meeting that if I kept going like that I would receive a bad annual review (which basically means no bonus and zero pay rise. the only thing worse than that is a very bad review which gets me fired)
It is hard to distinguish cause and effect with an unreliable thyroid, FSH and LH on menopause levels and breastfeeding a one year old, but any of these would be enough to get one off balance.
It is hard for me to judge the scale of the lack of focus, but it took me a second appointment with BambiEyes to finish writing about the first.
I love getting back to her.
She asked me what I do for me. When I answered i love having my Wednesday off and spending it with Delia and her little one she said that is mothering stuff. Something for me. And I couldn't come up with anything. I stopped going to yoga since the new boss, and I haven't been back to my orchestra. I haven't been joining the evening skate tours for ages. I hardly get around to baking cakes or inviting friends over.
HB comes over, we go to his place, but that is almost always as a family of three.
Then she said that I've been through so much that I have been in survival mode for years. That maybe now we need to work on living.
I have a feeling I have all the right ingredients. Summer is coming, how hard can it be?
And hey, the blog is something for me! Started already.
And maaayyyybe I'll get a haircut too.
or a birthday party!
It was lovely catching up with her. Great to share all the good news. I was almost tempted to not say anything about my forgetfulness, problems with concentrating (o dear, I forgot the rest of them symptoms) and the fact that my newest boss told me in our very first get-to-know-each-other meeting that if I kept going like that I would receive a bad annual review (which basically means no bonus and zero pay rise. the only thing worse than that is a very bad review which gets me fired)
It is hard to distinguish cause and effect with an unreliable thyroid, FSH and LH on menopause levels and breastfeeding a one year old, but any of these would be enough to get one off balance.
It is hard for me to judge the scale of the lack of focus, but it took me a second appointment with BambiEyes to finish writing about the first.
I love getting back to her.
She asked me what I do for me. When I answered i love having my Wednesday off and spending it with Delia and her little one she said that is mothering stuff. Something for me. And I couldn't come up with anything. I stopped going to yoga since the new boss, and I haven't been back to my orchestra. I haven't been joining the evening skate tours for ages. I hardly get around to baking cakes or inviting friends over.
HB comes over, we go to his place, but that is almost always as a family of three.
Then she said that I've been through so much that I have been in survival mode for years. That maybe now we need to work on living.
I have a feeling I have all the right ingredients. Summer is coming, how hard can it be?
And hey, the blog is something for me! Started already.
And maaayyyybe I'll get a haircut too.
or a birthday party!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
We Bought Our House
Today was a big day: we bought our house!
The paperwork took much longer than anyone expected, but with the renovation and all permits done and after the official waiting period (of another 7 weeks for anyone to object to our permit) we have signed for the house. Finally final.
And while we were at the notary we signed last will and testaments and a living-together contract as well.
We celebrated with a lunch with my parents at the new Waldorf Astoria on our canal. (we were seated on the blue sofa's on the left)
All babysitting options had fallen through, but Suzy was well behaved and generally adorable in her little Italian dress. Adding helpful comments "Uh oh" when I dropped something, and helping DP eat his cake. In the hotel she would trundle around and steal hearts and smiles all around.
When we got home DP suddenly got nervous about paying our monthly costs, we did some excel but that did not really help. He even claimed he wanted to stop his weekly day off for Suzy. Then we all took naps.
I googled for a picture of the dress, and was surprised to see an Italian look alike of Suzy modelling it.
Her face is different, but the hair is spot on (and I found a second hand version in red of the blue stripey dress)
The paperwork took much longer than anyone expected, but with the renovation and all permits done and after the official waiting period (of another 7 weeks for anyone to object to our permit) we have signed for the house. Finally final.
And while we were at the notary we signed last will and testaments and a living-together contract as well.
We celebrated with a lunch with my parents at the new Waldorf Astoria on our canal. (we were seated on the blue sofa's on the left)
When we got home DP suddenly got nervous about paying our monthly costs, we did some excel but that did not really help. He even claimed he wanted to stop his weekly day off for Suzy. Then we all took naps.
I googled for a picture of the dress, and was surprised to see an Italian look alike of Suzy modelling it.
Her face is different, but the hair is spot on (and I found a second hand version in red of the blue stripey dress)
Saturday, May 10, 2014
FSH : LH
I did call the GP practice. I did get my numbers. I wrote them down. I took the note home. I googled the numbers. Found an early menopause website. Cause yes, numbers high enough to clearly point in the menopause direction. Then I got sucked into reading about all the options (or lack thereof). Part of my mind switched back to the whole infertile-in-the-trenches mindset. And I did not like it one bit.
And promptly swapped to denial. So now I lost the numbers.
I know it is on a neon pink post it, somewhere in the house. No longer sticking to the back of my mobile phone though. and it took me ages to get back to blog. I blame Bionic, who linked to that game 2048. ;-) It is highly, really highly addictive. Yet so simple. After I 'won' I managed to not play it for a couple of days. But it is a big time suck on the computer. Great for denial.
(as always, so glad I didn't get into the whole social media things, I don't venture from under my rock so far)
So, uhm. Have to get back to real life. Normal life. Where I do not really worry about my doctor (or science) not knowing everything. No regret about hypothetical missed chances. Just family (loads), ageing parents, and a few friends. And chocolate of course.
Have a nice evening!
And promptly swapped to denial. So now I lost the numbers.
I know it is on a neon pink post it, somewhere in the house. No longer sticking to the back of my mobile phone though. and it took me ages to get back to blog. I blame Bionic, who linked to that game 2048. ;-) It is highly, really highly addictive. Yet so simple. After I 'won' I managed to not play it for a couple of days. But it is a big time suck on the computer. Great for denial.
(as always, so glad I didn't get into the whole social media things, I don't venture from under my rock so far)
So, uhm. Have to get back to real life. Normal life. Where I do not really worry about my doctor (or science) not knowing everything. No regret about hypothetical missed chances. Just family (loads), ageing parents, and a few friends. And chocolate of course.
Have a nice evening!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
GP says
At the dentist I pointed out this weird bump on my upper gums. I did remember that at that exact spot I had had a root canal treatment before, so I figured it couldn't infect any more.
I was right about the spot, it was treated in 2009 indeed. But the very tip of one of three roots was bending backwards, and could not be reached 100% but only 90%. For most people that should have done the trick. I'm not most people apparently.
Also something not quite normal on the other side, so he even though he couldn't see anything he took a picture saying he trusted me knowing my body.
And Yay for needing another root canal done. The three positive things I can think of
Going back mid May.
GP called. the good news is I do not have anaemia or the kissing disease in active form, although she said I have had it in the past. (When though? no clue!)
My TSH numbers are reacting slowly to the higher dose of medication. Since I'm feeling much less tired on it, I'll try this dose (75) for a bit longer. (and not up the dose again because my sleeping is worse)
Also, my FSH and LH were tested. She said I was clearly menopausal.
Yesterday at work I felt a little something. wet. Told myself to practice more kegels and ignore it. When I went to the loo I saw I shouldn't have ignored it. Of course I was wearing light blue summer pants! Had to go home and change. Made me feel stupid. So even though the doctor thinks the numbers mean I should not bleed any more, my body disagrees. I shall call back and ask for the numbers.
Or, my doctor is right and something else is wrong and makes me bleed. Neither option is very attractive.
mhm, coming back to update and say I'm still forgetful. Because I forgot. Duh.
I was right about the spot, it was treated in 2009 indeed. But the very tip of one of three roots was bending backwards, and could not be reached 100% but only 90%. For most people that should have done the trick. I'm not most people apparently.
Also something not quite normal on the other side, so he even though he couldn't see anything he took a picture saying he trusted me knowing my body.
And Yay for needing another root canal done. The three positive things I can think of
- equipment has been improved since 2009 and so has the chance of success
- it doesn't hurt now
- the first €400 is covered by my dentist insurance
Going back mid May.
GP called. the good news is I do not have anaemia or the kissing disease in active form, although she said I have had it in the past. (When though? no clue!)
My TSH numbers are reacting slowly to the higher dose of medication. Since I'm feeling much less tired on it, I'll try this dose (75) for a bit longer. (and not up the dose again because my sleeping is worse)
Also, my FSH and LH were tested. She said I was clearly menopausal.
Yesterday at work I felt a little something. wet. Told myself to practice more kegels and ignore it. When I went to the loo I saw I shouldn't have ignored it. Of course I was wearing light blue summer pants! Had to go home and change. Made me feel stupid. So even though the doctor thinks the numbers mean I should not bleed any more, my body disagrees. I shall call back and ask for the numbers.
Or, my doctor is right and something else is wrong and makes me bleed. Neither option is very attractive.
mhm, coming back to update and say I'm still forgetful. Because I forgot. Duh.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Wiki says
Psychological
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Fatigue
- Irritability
- Memory loss, and problems with concentration
- Mood disturbance
- Sleep disturbances, poor or light sleep, insomnia, and daytime sleepiness
Someone tried to write about menopause (Hi Mali!) but felt she had to be vague because her blog isn't completely anonymous. She hinted menopause is a bit of a taboo. I hadn't even realised.
I can't get myself to google for menopause, for health risks, for warning signs. Finally took a first step and looked it up on Wiki. From the above list of psychological symptoms I'm only not experiencing anxiety. Not so sure about irritability. (cause surely other people are irritating, it is not just me, right?)
I'm telling myself there are probably many more reasons to explain the above. I got another blood test with very many boxes ticked on the form. Will discuss with my GP in two days.
Dentist tomorrow.
Will keep you posted.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
An Elephant In The Room
There is. An Elephant In The Room. really. ok, just a small one.
see?
And I love the silly thing.
Did I manage to tell you we finally have the last permit? In one month time we will finally officially buy our house. Hooray.
As you can imagine there are some money matters that need arranging. And paperwork things.
Also, there is a temporary tax rule to help the housing market and the economy, that allows people to donate a specified amount of money to someone who buys a house, tax free.
My father offered not only my brother and me, but also DP. Which is all sorts of nice and maybe a little awkward. (My brother is buying a condo in the Alps somewhere, even though he has contract work in that other Alp country. They will move this summer. I do not always understand, but he sounds happy)
Health: DP is fit and fabulous. I went to see my GP to complain about fatigue, loss of concentration and forgetfulness. My father was so kind to accompany me and look after Suzy, because he could see same GP after me to check for pneumonia. Suzy has chickenpox and is getting another molar. My mother came back from a holiday and instead of being cured from the Cold that was Taking Too Long she could hardly move, her joints are swollen and painful on top of severe anaemia. I had to help her put socks on (while Suzy was trying to smear banana in my hair) so she could go to the hospital.
In the mean time my GP called and told me to up my dose of thyroid stuff. YAY what a world of difference! I'll make a different post on that.
Argh that nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something! Can't shake it... but will post anyway.
-yes, I'm taking Vitamins and Calcium now, thanks Fran
-comparing notes with HB's mother's vascular dementia and FIL's arteriosclerosis in the brain...outlook Not Good. MIL told me that they practise at breakfast, and FIL asks her every day what the name is of his granddaughter. So sad he can't remember, so happy he cares so much he tries to anyway.
see?
Did I manage to tell you we finally have the last permit? In one month time we will finally officially buy our house. Hooray.
As you can imagine there are some money matters that need arranging. And paperwork things.
- Testaments for DP & me
- living-together-contract
- while we're at it: parental rights for DP for which we need a
- new birth certificate for Suzy. apparently they are only valid for three months. huh?
- maybe we should get her a passport
- for which we need a passport photo.
Also, there is a temporary tax rule to help the housing market and the economy, that allows people to donate a specified amount of money to someone who buys a house, tax free.
My father offered not only my brother and me, but also DP. Which is all sorts of nice and maybe a little awkward. (My brother is buying a condo in the Alps somewhere, even though he has contract work in that other Alp country. They will move this summer. I do not always understand, but he sounds happy)
Health: DP is fit and fabulous. I went to see my GP to complain about fatigue, loss of concentration and forgetfulness. My father was so kind to accompany me and look after Suzy, because he could see same GP after me to check for pneumonia. Suzy has chickenpox and is getting another molar. My mother came back from a holiday and instead of being cured from the Cold that was Taking Too Long she could hardly move, her joints are swollen and painful on top of severe anaemia. I had to help her put socks on (while Suzy was trying to smear banana in my hair) so she could go to the hospital.
In the mean time my GP called and told me to up my dose of thyroid stuff. YAY what a world of difference! I'll make a different post on that.
Argh that nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something! Can't shake it... but will post anyway.
-yes, I'm taking Vitamins and Calcium now, thanks Fran
-comparing notes with HB's mother's vascular dementia and FIL's arteriosclerosis in the brain...outlook Not Good. MIL told me that they practise at breakfast, and FIL asks her every day what the name is of his granddaughter. So sad he can't remember, so happy he cares so much he tries to anyway.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
First steps
Today DP had his weekly 'papa dag', the day he takes care of Suzy.
It was one of the record early summer´s days and they went to a park to have a play in the sandpit (sandbox for American English readers)
When I got home DP waited till I was quite close, and then encouraged Suzy to 'do her new trick'. And indeed she took two unassisted steps from his knees to mine.
With how small her steps are it was over in a flash. I could hardly believe my eyes. Is weird, we could see this moment coming for months. And for the past weeks we suspected she could, but just wasn't willing to let go of whatever she was holding onto.
With standing unassisted it is a bit different. how long do you need to stand to prove you can do it? Even if it was 10 seconds before falling on her bum again it still felt like it was happening more or less by accident.
I had prepared myself for the possibility she would be taking her first steps at daycare, mimicking other children. I had thought of other scenarios, say, steps away from me.
I'm a tiny bit sad I wasn't there in the park, but loved she would take "my" first steps to be with me.
And I hope DP feels extra happy he has his papa day
It was one of the record early summer´s days and they went to a park to have a play in the sandpit (sandbox for American English readers)
When I got home DP waited till I was quite close, and then encouraged Suzy to 'do her new trick'. And indeed she took two unassisted steps from his knees to mine.
With how small her steps are it was over in a flash. I could hardly believe my eyes. Is weird, we could see this moment coming for months. And for the past weeks we suspected she could, but just wasn't willing to let go of whatever she was holding onto.
With standing unassisted it is a bit different. how long do you need to stand to prove you can do it? Even if it was 10 seconds before falling on her bum again it still felt like it was happening more or less by accident.
I had prepared myself for the possibility she would be taking her first steps at daycare, mimicking other children. I had thought of other scenarios, say, steps away from me.
I'm a tiny bit sad I wasn't there in the park, but loved she would take "my" first steps to be with me.
And I hope DP feels extra happy he has his papa day
Sunday, March 9, 2014
So Tired
Suzy is sleeping better and better at night, and we are almost done with the night feeds.
But even when we are not woken up by little hungry cries DP or I still wake up somewhere between 4 and 6 am. And sometimes I have trouble going back to sleep.
And then, someone commented on Bionicmamas dot com's blog there is such a thing as the fog of middle childhood. O dear, I don't feel like I can do this even just one more year. Let alone 7.
DP's birthday today. It was a beautiful day, summer weather all of a sudden. Apart from the many cakes we bought there was very little preparation. His parents made the 3h trip to here and enjoyed seeing Suzy and the boys together. We took a little walk (to begijnhof, see begijnhofamsterdam.nl) and on the way back his father was getting so fatigued we were afraid he would fall. DP parked his parents on a public bench on the corner of our canal and ran home to grab a bottle of wine, some glasses and a box of salty peanuts. Of course everyone was sitting outside and they were blending in with the locals just fine. It's just so shocking to see that walking 500 meters was fine, but 500 meters back was simply too much for FIL.
Lasagna (home made from scratch the day before) for dinner was great for the whole family.
Quarter to baby bed time they were getting ready to leave, and I realised that Suzy had not been on FIL's lap yet, so I thought I'd rectify that. He looked so happy and expectant, she grabbed his glasses, (I got them) but as soon as they sat down Suzy started screaming like a banshee. Poor FIL. I hope he enjoyed today despite it. DP is bringing them all home, Suzy went to sleep as soon as she saw her bed and so will I.
Happy Birthday DP. I love you. I never tell you that, but I do. I'm thankful we made it another year. A tough year, a beautiful year. May all your dreams come true (or stay true)
xxx
But even when we are not woken up by little hungry cries DP or I still wake up somewhere between 4 and 6 am. And sometimes I have trouble going back to sleep.
And then, someone commented on Bionicmamas dot com's blog there is such a thing as the fog of middle childhood. O dear, I don't feel like I can do this even just one more year. Let alone 7.
DP's birthday today. It was a beautiful day, summer weather all of a sudden. Apart from the many cakes we bought there was very little preparation. His parents made the 3h trip to here and enjoyed seeing Suzy and the boys together. We took a little walk (to begijnhof, see begijnhofamsterdam.nl) and on the way back his father was getting so fatigued we were afraid he would fall. DP parked his parents on a public bench on the corner of our canal and ran home to grab a bottle of wine, some glasses and a box of salty peanuts. Of course everyone was sitting outside and they were blending in with the locals just fine. It's just so shocking to see that walking 500 meters was fine, but 500 meters back was simply too much for FIL.
Lasagna (home made from scratch the day before) for dinner was great for the whole family.
Quarter to baby bed time they were getting ready to leave, and I realised that Suzy had not been on FIL's lap yet, so I thought I'd rectify that. He looked so happy and expectant, she grabbed his glasses, (I got them) but as soon as they sat down Suzy started screaming like a banshee. Poor FIL. I hope he enjoyed today despite it. DP is bringing them all home, Suzy went to sleep as soon as she saw her bed and so will I.
Happy Birthday DP. I love you. I never tell you that, but I do. I'm thankful we made it another year. A tough year, a beautiful year. May all your dreams come true (or stay true)
xxx
Saturday, February 22, 2014
1 year
Today.
One year old.
A real take home baby.
And it seems to finally have sunk in that she is here to stay. To stay with us that is, not to stay a baby.
I pulled out the baby book with pictures from around her birth, such a different world! You can wrap a newborn in a blanket, and she will fall asleep on your lap. A one year old, you can run after her while she is pushing her newly gotten wooden baby trolley into the corner where the guitar stands.
DP's oldest (14) even bought her a present all by himself. Which made my and DP's heart swell a little.
We ordered in sushi and she liked the gyoza best. (the many grains of rice seemed to confuse her)
HB had the honour of feeding her dessert, and got her full attention plus some encouragement to hurry up a bit.
I read Mel's post about Norse Ragnarok, which mythology has today as the end of the world (or just of humankind) and one of the names in the story is Loki. Sometimes female, mostly male. For the blog I think I might take that as a name for Suzy's vanished twin. Suzy & Loki, it has a certain ring to it don't you think?
's weird. For years I felt like a mother. Now that finally people see me as one, it is me who has trouble understanding the realness of it. Maybe because so much of the time it feels too good to be true ;-)
One year old.
A real take home baby.
And it seems to finally have sunk in that she is here to stay. To stay with us that is, not to stay a baby.
I pulled out the baby book with pictures from around her birth, such a different world! You can wrap a newborn in a blanket, and she will fall asleep on your lap. A one year old, you can run after her while she is pushing her newly gotten wooden baby trolley into the corner where the guitar stands.
DP's oldest (14) even bought her a present all by himself. Which made my and DP's heart swell a little.
We ordered in sushi and she liked the gyoza best. (the many grains of rice seemed to confuse her)
HB had the honour of feeding her dessert, and got her full attention plus some encouragement to hurry up a bit.
I read Mel's post about Norse Ragnarok, which mythology has today as the end of the world (or just of humankind) and one of the names in the story is Loki. Sometimes female, mostly male. For the blog I think I might take that as a name for Suzy's vanished twin. Suzy & Loki, it has a certain ring to it don't you think?
's weird. For years I felt like a mother. Now that finally people see me as one, it is me who has trouble understanding the realness of it. Maybe because so much of the time it feels too good to be true ;-)
Monday, February 10, 2014
CD 630
My TSH is back down to 3.8 so that is good I think. T4 is 11 or 13 or something, I think the doctor's assistant said that was ok.
I do not really know how people count 'cycles' anymore after a cycle that worked. I took some bcp's in May 2012, stopped taking them and had some kind of CD1 followed by the DE-IVF that worked.
a little spotting , but then many months without any loss of blood.
I had been in denial about the 6 weeks aftermath of living without a placenta again. If I'm not counting that, and not counting the spotting I had in January I was on CD 630, and fully expecting to keep on counting for a very long time.
Didn't various doctors tell me I had no more eggs? shouldn't that imply my ovaries cannot produce oestrogen anymore, and no more cycles for me? Menopause, to use that word?
Suzy's first birthday is around the corner, just a fortnight away. She is hardly a baby anymore. And my body thinks this is the right time to... what?... show me... I can still have a period?
(yes yes, I admit I am still breastfeeding. Partly to have that as prevalent reason not to have a period. Partly health reasons. Partly because this is the only chance I get. Partly because I love it. Mostly because Suzy loves it. Especially that late night feed when we all fall asleep afterwards in the big warm bed, even DP loves that one)
I realise many people have periods knowing they are just for show and nothing fertile. I think there are 10 years between end of fertility and last period (why does the last period not have a greek name? It should, shouldn't it?) It was just nice to not have to deal with useless blood shedding, no reminder of not being able to make babies naturally while it lasted. Who knows, I might be grateful for these later if I'll have to deal with real hormonal withdrawal symptoms then. Now I'm just grateful I hadn't thrown out every last tampon when we moved.
I do not really know how people count 'cycles' anymore after a cycle that worked. I took some bcp's in May 2012, stopped taking them and had some kind of CD1 followed by the DE-IVF that worked.
a little spotting , but then many months without any loss of blood.
I had been in denial about the 6 weeks aftermath of living without a placenta again. If I'm not counting that, and not counting the spotting I had in January I was on CD 630, and fully expecting to keep on counting for a very long time.
Didn't various doctors tell me I had no more eggs? shouldn't that imply my ovaries cannot produce oestrogen anymore, and no more cycles for me? Menopause, to use that word?
Suzy's first birthday is around the corner, just a fortnight away. She is hardly a baby anymore. And my body thinks this is the right time to... what?... show me... I can still have a period?
(yes yes, I admit I am still breastfeeding. Partly to have that as prevalent reason not to have a period. Partly health reasons. Partly because this is the only chance I get. Partly because I love it. Mostly because Suzy loves it. Especially that late night feed when we all fall asleep afterwards in the big warm bed, even DP loves that one)
I realise many people have periods knowing they are just for show and nothing fertile. I think there are 10 years between end of fertility and last period (why does the last period not have a greek name? It should, shouldn't it?) It was just nice to not have to deal with useless blood shedding, no reminder of not being able to make babies naturally while it lasted. Who knows, I might be grateful for these later if I'll have to deal with real hormonal withdrawal symptoms then. Now I'm just grateful I hadn't thrown out every last tampon when we moved.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
TSH and tears
Just before xmas my doctor wanted to test my TSH again, the thyroid stimulating hormone. When I first called for the results the doctor's assistant didn't want to give me the numbers, because the 'doctor hadn't seen them yet'. The next day the doctor called me herself, first apologising for the assistant, then explaining my TSH was too high, 12, rather than between 1 and 4. So I'm slowly starting on thyroid medication again, even though small amount may filter into the milk. We are reasoning that Suzy is eating solids as well, not a newborn depending on milk exclusively any more so she should be OK with small amounts.
I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.
More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.
I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?
ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.
Time for chocolate biscuits and tea
I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.
More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.
I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?
ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.
Time for chocolate biscuits and tea
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