27 I was, and I thought it was a good idea to move to the other side of the world, the under side. Made some friends who kept looking at me and smiling, saying I should really meet a Spanish friend of theirs because we had so much in common: the way we looked, moved, same sense of humor, the way we laughed... But I never got around to meeting her.
Four years later, traveling through Argentina, the waterfalls. An older couple approached me. They didn't speak English, my Spanish was too limited so we settled on French. A bit surreal. They told me they were from Spain and had a daughter just like me. I told them I was traveling around the world. As I spoke I could see their faces light up, their daughter was traveling too and they missed her. All those similarities, even my voice sounded the same. They were reassured by seeing me happy and healthy, it was easier now for them, as if they'd had a glimpse of their daughter...
On my stop over in Chile the street sellers approached me in Spanish. If only I hadn't been so clumsy with numbers (their pesetas go by thousands at the time!) I could have gotten much lower prices, they tripled their price when 'converting' to dollars... I believe that in most countries tourists stick out like an alien species and are treated as such, so in Chile I didn't expect to blend in, such a long way from home.
Do you have any look-alike adventures?
With these experiences in mind I've been pondering to start gathering information from Spanish clinics. The first email has been sent! It would be nice to feel like fitting right in....
And it would be so nice if this kept the possible disappointment of Fof maybe not accepted as donor at bay. Somewhere in September we should know.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What if
What if September would be the last step of Fof's DE journey?
Does it matter at which point the journey stops? -- when there is a myriad of ways it can go wrong....
I need to keep believing I can handle the end of the road. Even though I know I have a back up plan, I still want this to work.
Does it matter at which point the journey stops? -- when there is a myriad of ways it can go wrong....
I need to keep believing I can handle the end of the road. Even though I know I have a back up plan, I still want this to work.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Hair Loss
I'm at home. Trying to keep my sanity. It is my full time job since April this year. Waiting for news, hoping for good news.
My body lets me know it is hard work: little aches and pains,visual aura-without-migraine, small signs of stress. And yes, the latest thing is hair loss. I have quite a lot of hair, and always seem to lose it (this really long one here in the spaghetti, yes sorry, that is mine too, and the shower will not be mentioned)
But recently even my cleaning lady suggested I should go see a doctor about it. Geez, it's only hair. It doesn't seem important enough to see a doctor for when there is still more than plenty on my head. (Even though seeing my doctor is free) And I keep thinking that soon I'll be further along the DE journey, and I'll be happier and have less stress. (Oops, even to me that sounds a bit naive now)
It's just hard to realise that this is all part of my life. That this is happening to me. That I can spend days thinking I want to write a letter to Fof, trying to boost her into not becoming depressed for me but this is all I come up with:
If we even get past the first hurdle of her being accepted as a donor it doesn't mean smooth sailing from then on. The stimulation may be too much to continue, it may be too little to work. Follicles could grow too fast, too slow. Timing of the trigger could be wrong, there isn't always an egg in every follicle.
Not every egg gets fertilised. Not every embryo divides. Not every dividing embryo stays alive till transfer. There could be something good enough to freeze, but maybe not. If we make it to transfer I have 25-ish percent chance of getting pregnant(?) If we get to the second line I have 25% chance or more of miscarrying.
FET gives about 10% as a leftover bonus chance.
But whatever happens it stops happening to Fof after retrieval.
I guess to me having a double digit chance is so much more than before that it makes me hopeful. Not optimistic (lost my optimism when my 34th birthday rolled around and we still weren't starting TTC) but hopeful.
Much better than January. Made the mistake of looking at old posts. Sometimes it helps to know I'm a bit better now, but today, well today the here and now is all I can handle. And that should be good enough for today.
My body lets me know it is hard work: little aches and pains,visual aura-without-migraine, small signs of stress. And yes, the latest thing is hair loss. I have quite a lot of hair, and always seem to lose it (this really long one here in the spaghetti, yes sorry, that is mine too, and the shower will not be mentioned)
But recently even my cleaning lady suggested I should go see a doctor about it. Geez, it's only hair. It doesn't seem important enough to see a doctor for when there is still more than plenty on my head. (Even though seeing my doctor is free) And I keep thinking that soon I'll be further along the DE journey, and I'll be happier and have less stress. (Oops, even to me that sounds a bit naive now)
It's just hard to realise that this is all part of my life. That this is happening to me. That I can spend days thinking I want to write a letter to Fof, trying to boost her into not becoming depressed for me but this is all I come up with:
If we even get past the first hurdle of her being accepted as a donor it doesn't mean smooth sailing from then on. The stimulation may be too much to continue, it may be too little to work. Follicles could grow too fast, too slow. Timing of the trigger could be wrong, there isn't always an egg in every follicle.
Not every egg gets fertilised. Not every embryo divides. Not every dividing embryo stays alive till transfer. There could be something good enough to freeze, but maybe not. If we make it to transfer I have 25-ish percent chance of getting pregnant(?) If we get to the second line I have 25% chance or more of miscarrying.
FET gives about 10% as a leftover bonus chance.
But whatever happens it stops happening to Fof after retrieval.
I guess to me having a double digit chance is so much more than before that it makes me hopeful. Not optimistic (lost my optimism when my 34th birthday rolled around and we still weren't starting TTC) but hopeful.
Much better than January. Made the mistake of looking at old posts. Sometimes it helps to know I'm a bit better now, but today, well today the here and now is all I can handle. And that should be good enough for today.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Important step
Hey, this is post number 100...!
But that is not important to me. What is, is that I finally got news from Fof!
The good news is that physically she has the clinic's OK: bloodwork all looks good and her scan was approved.
The unknown part is the mental side: the clinic needs to look into research of the risk of depression caused by the hormone-stimulation-medication. For a 'certain group' of women there is a risk, so in CCC-III they probably need to verify if Fof is in that group.
She just emailed me and she sounded so disappointed, and worried for me. I emailed her back, trying to cheer her up: the good news is great news to me.
And on the depression risk, she is trying to share her happiness as a mother with me, I'm not trying to rob her of her happiness. I can do simple stuff (pay for petrol, drive, prepare a meal) but I cannot brighten her days darkened by medication. I cannot give her family time that could be sucked away by depression.
I'm glad I'm not the one having to weigh the risks in September! And I'm glad the clinic is taking her health serious. (And I'm glad I have my BambiEyes taking care of me)
The weather turned sunny here in Amsterdam, the city is full of happy gay pride visitors and till somewhere in September I've got nothing better to do than enjoy the good news....
Maybe tonight at 3 am it will all look bleak to me, but for now... celebratory cupcakes! Made when visiting my friend with the twins running and little bigfoot walking around.
But that is not important to me. What is, is that I finally got news from Fof!
The good news is that physically she has the clinic's OK: bloodwork all looks good and her scan was approved.
The unknown part is the mental side: the clinic needs to look into research of the risk of depression caused by the hormone-stimulation-medication. For a 'certain group' of women there is a risk, so in CCC-III they probably need to verify if Fof is in that group.
She just emailed me and she sounded so disappointed, and worried for me. I emailed her back, trying to cheer her up: the good news is great news to me.
And on the depression risk, she is trying to share her happiness as a mother with me, I'm not trying to rob her of her happiness. I can do simple stuff (pay for petrol, drive, prepare a meal) but I cannot brighten her days darkened by medication. I cannot give her family time that could be sucked away by depression.
I'm glad I'm not the one having to weigh the risks in September! And I'm glad the clinic is taking her health serious. (And I'm glad I have my BambiEyes taking care of me)
The weather turned sunny here in Amsterdam, the city is full of happy gay pride visitors and till somewhere in September I've got nothing better to do than enjoy the good news....
Maybe tonight at 3 am it will all look bleak to me, but for now... celebratory cupcakes! Made when visiting my friend with the twins running and little bigfoot walking around.
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