It was hot

It was hot in Jordan, and sunny every day. It is full of beautiful rock and fine fine sand.

The first few days I could hardly believe I was there, I felt not connected somehow. I'm not really a group person, but the travel program was so full it hardly allowed for a moment alone, no time to let it sink in. I was upset that the timing of walks was insane, I mean, who in their right mind goes walking when the sun is hottest? Only stupid tourists asking for sunburn and heatstroke, and us. Oh well, drinking lots of water and walking slowly we managed. Had Bedouin tea in the breaks, boiled on a little wood fire.
And slowly I felt a little bit more connected, both to DP and my surroundings. The visit to the lost city of Petra made it all worthwhile though (and the hamam afterwards!)
It was an 'active' holiday (hiking) and apparently that attracts single travellers. Single as in travelling alone leaving the husband at home. I was the only one who had dragged him along, the other 11 women hadn't! (well, two were widows) Oh, and there were just 3 single men (and really single).

The night in the Wadi Rum desert at new moon was magic, so many stars it made me dizzy to look at. While the group was cracking jokes around the campfire I slipped away to a high dune, watching the stars on my own. Trying to find meaning somehow. The first shooting star left me wondering what I should wish for, but before I could make up my mind I saw another star shooting the opposite direction, and another one across, as if to say not matter what I wish for it may go the other way ...
So instead my tears were flowing down my ears and neck. I missed my friend who knows so much about stars. But neither he nor the stars can tell me what I should do, what the right thing is.
I keep thinking there must be more to life, that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm missing something.
But then the holiday was racing on, camel ride, jeep safari, desert sunset, climbing a waterfall, floating in the Dead Sea. Hardly any opportunity for Big Important Conversations but enough going on to create friction. The last night DP and I almost exploded, accusing each other of a bad mood and spoiling the evening. I could see he honestly thought it was me being difficult while I was thinking I was very reasonable and DP was the difficult one. I fled rather than trying to explain it was really more of a funny situation. Then we gathered with a 'sub-group' of five and had a modern simple incredibly cheap meal of falafel in the new part of Amman (rather than traditional dinners just for tourists for tourist prices)
I was glad I had my few words of Arabic and my long travel skirt to give this adventure that little extra something. I tried not to be upset we didn't do a 4-week trip, it was still worth going even if it was too short. Plus, it's another 'Wonder of the World' on my list. So romantic by night!

Don't

Kids don't make you happier.
'twas a little piece in the newspaper at the end of August. Stated that for decades psychological research has shown that kids don't make you happier.  How does this research go?
Well, take a group of people (couples), ask them how happy they are and we get number H1.
some time later, find the people that have small children, ask again, -> find H2 and, surprise H1 > H2.
Oh, you're not believing it? Well, go back 20 years later when the children are adults, ask for H3 and voila: H3 > H2.
I don't have access to the small print at this moment (I think they excluded divorce situations) but google told me to look here:
    * The social health of Marriage in America, 2006
    * Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert's 2006
    * Gross National Happiness, Arthur C. Brooks 2008

alas the links didn't work (at first, fixed now), but even without all that I'm pretty pretty sure infertility was left out of the equation. And it makes me angry. I mean, come on, it sounds like it means I should be happy I don't have my little ones in existence?
Ahh, I know I should be grateful for safe drinking water, not living in a war zone, food, skinny jeans and chocolate phones from LG.

Geez, some internets get in the twists. I had to go back and look some further. Wikipedia quotes Brooks saying that "Parents are happier than the childless, even though their children often upset them."
(and their children often upset the childless too I might add)

Sooooo, where was I? yes, stupid summaries/conclusions. Feeling excluded, being made to feel stupid for being unhappy childless infertile me. Wanting to scream 'but not getting the children I long for makes me MUCH unhappier!!!!

I almost wanted to write that not having a baby makes me much unhappier than a baby ever could, but I don't want to compete in the Pain Olympics here. I've seen blogs with Real Big Struggles and anyone who has read 'The Spohrs are multiplying' knows happiness isn't a simple number.
 Life isn't a - Maddie + Annie = 0.

Rationally then, my life looks not so bad at all. Emotionally I'm still scared of the dark.

Mars and Venus, or How Different People Look Forward to Making a Trip

or, how differently
Today was our last working day before our trip to Jordan. Since it was sunny we went outside for a lunch walk. DP was telling me how stressful it was to wrap up work for a week. How he was discussing with a friend at work that you should indeed block your calendar, switch on your out-of-office-reply, but then go to work and do all the things you normally don't get the time for.
I could not believe my ears. I guess I should not automatically conclude he would rather be at work then tramping through some historic desert with me. He insisted he only meant to say preparations are stressful.
It's just, sometimes I can't believe men and women, he and I are so different.

On the other hand, the scaring tactic to get him vaccinated didn't work, so I had let that go for a while. Then, last Saturday, I casually asked if he was planning on not eating any fresh fruit or vegetables on  the trip to avoid water contaminated with hepatitis A. (At home DP has fruit for breakfast every working day) Then he agreed that he should get the shots. We went together, and it turned out my shots for Egypt from last year were still valid. It was only in the next waiting room that it dawned on him I was there for support only, and it made him smile. Then a male nurse gave him the tip that worked for him: cross your legs (above the knee) and Squeeeze! He didn't even notice that first shot, and got up smiling and relieved after the second shot... I was proud of him, and he was too. The guy said he hadn't had anyone faint on him for over a year, and was pleased to keep his reputation.

Now the last worry is to find some piece of long sleeved clothing that will protect DP from the desert sun in 40C heat. His skin is practically Irish so pale and freckled. (and his father has already  had a spot of skin cancer removed) but the outdoor shops are gearing up for winter sports now..

Oh, and his mother was on the phone, if we would come for dinner on the Sunday. I was mouthing NO, it is the evening before we leave, we need to pack. And he said yes, we will be there and bring the kids...
Aargh, how dare he say preparations are stressful! and then hardly worry about anything, he even did grocery shopping for next week?!
So hard to not take it personally (how could he possibly forget while he was in the supermarket?)

Maybe I wanted this trip to be a magic cure for everything. But BambiEyes already warned that it will be hard work and effort and trying and failing and trying again, to connect the two of us again....