Signed and Paraphed

The Big Family Dinner was a lovely success. Twenty people had a good time, first in the City Museum, then at home.
Mom even found last year's notes, including times for lighting the fire place and putting pre-dinner snacks in the oven.
We had baby candles in the christmas tree, I did light them for all your missing little ones too. I'll ask an uncle if he got some pictures of that.
After dinner (including christmas pudding with rum-butter) there were endless cakes, chocolates, teas and coffees.

And then today we met my parents again, at the notary. Now that the paperwork is signed and paraphed (and paraphed and paraphed some more) DP and I can say we bought a house together.
22 years ago I was an anti-squatter / house-sitter in this same house. Then it was converted into an office. Now the office moved out and we bought the top part of the building, to convert back into living space.
It is a world heritage building, so we will need permits every step of the way. We have only just begun applying for those permits, so we have no idea how long it is all going to take. My father the optimist thinks it will be a matter of a few months. I'll be happy if it will be less than a year before we can move. It has taken 13 months to even get to this stage of provisional contract. The commitment is real now, just that time of transfer will depend on the next 2 permits.
Both DP and my mother have asked now if we shouldn't go shopping for the grasshopper. But as long as I'm not totally fluffy in the head I think I prefer to puzzle with gas pipes, flooring and kitchen equipment.

Poor mom

If forced to choose, I'm a bit of a daddy's girl. He used to pick out my school. My brother was more my mothers child, she picked his school. And now he is married, in London, to a woman who acts like we are not family and I think my mom feels it most acute of us all.

Today is the big family dinner with my mother's family. My brother wrote he would come. And an hour before he was supposed to get in the plane he calls that he can't make it, cause the nanny's kid got chickenpox. And apparently SIL can't care for the boys for the one night. (in April they will be 2 and 4) (something with her neck)
Oh, and it is raining in London, so they are going for a 5 day trip to the sun.

Um, yeah.

Poor mom.

Told you so

You already know. x-mas without having the kids you always dreamed of hurts.
So for me for the very first time x-mas didn't fill me with the usual dread. I even did some 'decorating' with these candle holders

As a nice favour of the universe we have some role reversal: the StepTeen is refusing to come over for the holidays, not even the smallest part. He hasn't been over since DP shared the pregnancy news with the boys in August (Even though it weighs heavily on me sometimes I feel it is not my story to blog about)  I think DP kept believing he would turn around, especially now, so poor DP is behaving like a wounded animal. He even managed to put into words 'I don't feel like celebrating x-mas now'. And now that it has come this far there is absolutely no point in saying the obvious. I don't even think that pointing out that I managed to survive 7 x-masses with his boys will help at all.
So instead this week he is spoiling the younger kid with x-box Lego-Lord-Of-The-Rings, and I have arranged a drinking session on X-mas Eve with HB (who completely denies x-mas, as his mother is not aware of it much and is confusing him with other family members, dead or alive)

To end on a happier note: my brother is coming over from London for the Big Family Dinner in my family on the 27th. He suggested he wanted to come over just to see me pregnant, but I'm so glad he is not ignoring the 20 other family members, it makes my mother very happy.

So, wishing you the stamina for yet another x-mas. A drunk uncle, a deceased (grand)father, a stopped heartbeat or failed cycle, I hope that despite everything you'll find a tiny candle you can light for the one(s) you're missing. Even if you can't speak up to your family about it, you deserve it. I'll try again this year. The speaking up bit may be a bit much, but I'll make sure to light plenty of candles for all of us.

30 weeks and kicking

Grasshopper had turned around for today's scan, and was head down, twisted backwards. But with some firm pressure the midwife could still get a good reading on the head, and it was perfectly average (P~50).
Legs even longer (no I'm not at 33 weeks yet!) and belly even bigger, P>97. Estimated weight almost 2 kilos. This raised some concern about diabetes, so my blood glucose was tested.
The funny thing about the glucose test was that it was 4.8 again, same value as my sober test a few weeks ago. I know this doesn't quite mean I could have had breakfast then, but still. (but yay for super quick test results, no worrying over the weekend necessary)
Thyroid and blood pressure, all good. Placenta on the left, explains why I feel most kicks on the right.
Sometimes the kicks are so firm that DP asked if it didn't hurt me. No, I'm lucky so far. And we asked, there is no such thing as 'too much movement'.
Having bad days with zero concentration and back aches wasn't a concern apparently, she just said to enjoy the good days. Oh and what I thought was (bluish) bruising around my navel? Just increased blood supply...
And today (Friday) was a good day. Met up with the architect and some building inspection guy in the house we're hoping to buy. Just a precursory meeting, to smooth the way of permits being allowed. We'll need heaps of permits, as it is a world heritage building, but at least we're allowed to start preliminary work soon. While we were waiting I was chatting with the receptionist. At some point she remarked that there was no need for me to worry, as I was still so young, under 30 (?)
I'll blame my rosy shiny happy cheeks....

28 -29

Braxton Hicks, don't know why that didn't occur to me, thank you for pointing it out.
Drinking more seems a bit hard now. Getting food in my stomach is not a problem, but when I drink more than half a cup it feels like it wants to come back up.

My Sil gave me a whole bag of maternity clothes. Mostly summer clothes, but anyway. And at the last minute threw in some belly creams. I tried them all as my skin was getting sensitive, and ended up with itchy skin covered with little bumps. It took a while before I realised it might not be caused by the stretching of the skin, but by one of the new creams. Allergic, who would have thought. Back to the expensive oil I was using before, and the bumps were gone in a few days.
My navel has been on the rise since week 26. In 27 it was horizontal, since 28 I can see the edge rise, mm by mm. I must have bruised it somehow, it is so very sensitive and slightly blue.
Somehow it feels like I've gotten much bigger this week.
Or maybe it is that people at work have started to notice now. Or, feel they have enough evidence to say something. And since I'm struggling to open the heavy office doors, or get belly cramps when I walk up the stairs that I try to massage away, I think I stopped hiding my belly.
One of the DBAs said I don't have to hide anything. He surprised me, he never said anything personal before, and I always chalked it up to his Indian background.
One of the older guys suggested I had maybe swallowed a football? I agreed, saying I'm working on a 
skippy ball.
I don't know why, but I always thought I would have a ball-belly. So when the first 20something weeks I was just generally expanding between pelvic bone and breast bone I was vaguely surprised/disappointed (and at the same time laughing at myself) But the last weeks a ball-belly has been emerging.
Weirdest was going back to my favourite (normal) clothes store to ask for a December dress. They found something stretchy for me+belly that was elegant as well. And then complimented me on my beautiful belly...
Is that normal in other countries? I still think it is weird.

hiccups

In the train, on the way to our Dutch Santa/Sinterklaas celebration, I felt something move in my belly. More than once. Rythmic. Gentle. And after a while I thought that must be the first hiccups.
DP started smiling and said "don't move, I'll come sit next to you." And he could feel it too.

When exchanging gifts with all my cousins there were even two gifts (with poems) for the little one.
Also two cousins (34 and 27 y.o.) brought new girlfriends for the first time, so family is expanding quite muchly. 13 of us now, we started with just 8 in 2004. Was a lovely evening.

PS grasshopper is funny: as soon as I hit publish I can feel little hiccups again ;-)
 

27 weeks

I was late publishing my 23 week post, it is hidden here

For every check/appointment/scan during work hours I put something in DP's office calendar.
However, for the 27 weeks appointment (one that would actually be with a real gynaecologist) DP declined, saying he had something important at work.
I stomped off to HB, needing to blow off some steam about this (and to avoid saying anything to DP I would regret later). Before I even finished my sentence HB  had already blocked his own calendar. I didn't even have to ask.
So Tuesday we were in the hospital. I'm always early, don't want to have to rush.
But typically doctors are always late. We were told that thanks to one no-show our wait would only be 15 minutes. Turned 25, then 35 minutes. I know it doesn't mean anything, but it still makes me nervous. So I forgot to introduce HB to the doctor.
Doctor was happy with my latest blood test results, my thyroid levels have stabilised and she thought it was nonsense to test every month or even two weeks. Every trimester was fine with her, but if I preferred 6 weeks that was OK too.
Blood pressure still normal (120/70)
Then she decided to do a belly exam, I think mostly for the trainee doctor (young lady, gentle, with the longest hair) Trainee couldn't find the head of the baby, but she did determine baby was vertical. Doctor did a quick feel too and said baby was bum down, back to my left side, curving the head to the right again. Leaving hand and feet to make fun at my right side.
Then came one of the quickest scans ever. Look, upper leg, wait it is too short, must be an arm, moving down, big bundle of lower and upper legs all folded over. 5,3 cm. Then belly and head circumference, I think she mumbled something of 243 which could very well be millimetres and would correspond roughly with 8cm across for a circle. Heartbeat was fine, and lovely to hear again. We could also see a little stomach, quite black, so I think the amniotic fluid must be tasty. And there was loads of it too.
After the scan she quickly went over the numbers with me, remarking that baby's legs are long, just like mine and HB's. I was quite embarrassed to admit that neither one of us has a genetic relationship to this baby. But later it dawned on me that I don't have to keep denying any resemblance. Because a resemblance is just that, no one even said there was a genetic reason for that.
So from Tuesday on I have been answering that baby is fine, growing well, long legs, big belly and small head, Just Like Me.
The only concern I have is the hard belly I've been getting, basically since returning from Riga. It comes and goes, especially when I get up from a chair or try to run up stairs. I know that bit is normal and usually fades (1 minute or so), but sometimes it lasts much longer (15 minutes?) and I can hardly stand up straight anymore.
Doctor advised to make an appointment with the Occupational Health Doctor of my company, and suggested that doctor could advise on working less hours per day. I'll see how that goes, Monday.
And straight after that I'll have to join 3 colleagues for a Tuesday in the Stockholm office. Crazy.

So many bellies

A few weeks ago I got a yoga book from the library, for exercises safe during pregnancy. I looked at the pictures for the first part and thought: haha, look at that model, she's got a little belly!
(duh, so do I.) I looked at the second and third part, with big bellies and baby bumps for the yoga models, and was impressed you can still do so much. Then I looked at part four: exercises with baby.
WHAAATTTT? how is that part of pregnancy?! And then it dawned on me again that IF changes our view of what is normal, what is to be expected.

Like a colleague asked me if I wasn't afraid of the pain of giving birth. No not really{if I get that far that is pretty much a given}, I'm afraid of embryos/foetus/baby not surviving...

Tuesday was my first belly-yoga class.
I signed up together with the DE-IVF friend from the party, so I knew I wouldn't be the only older one there. ( and knowing that in my country the average age for first time pregnancies is 31, I wasn't really worried we'd be surrounded by 16-year-olds, but still)

 What I hadn't realised is that the due dates of the other ladies were all earlier than mine. In other words: my belly was just that, a belly, and they all had real baby bumps. And suddenly I felt panicky, like I was an imposter who didn't belong....

Riga

 Quite unexpectedly I found myself on a business trip to Riga, with my boss, our russian-latvian colleague and Lily, who had lived there in 2006.
This is sunrise from my hotel room. Big halls? to park your Zeppelin of course!

 We had some time before heading to the office, and Lily gave me a quick tour of the old city center. Even the commercial mural was pretty.

 Guild houses.

 And pretty towers. Shame that someone ran into my elbow here, it made me drop my phone on the cobble stones. Glass is a bit broken now. But it still works.
No pictures in the office, but to my West-European eyes people there look different. Most women on stiletto heels, most guys the straightest short strange mouse coloured hair.
After work the russian and the boss wanted to go drinking, but I had other plans.

At 6:45 PM I asked the kind lady at the hotel reception if she could tell me something about the ballet. She typed a little, and told us that if we left immediately we could just make it to the National Ballet around the corner. Kopelija. Tickets unbelievably cheap, and even just the theatre itself was worth it:

 

It is impossible to take proper pictures in the dark, but this may give you an idea:

You can even see a glimpse of the live orchestra below the stage!
We had a lovely ladies night out.
(and I was thinking of the famous 'Bolshoi do not tremble'. They were not the Bolshoi, but they were real people who managed not to look ridiculous in their costumes, which I can't say of the Bolshoi in this video. And they didn't need fake moustaches to look Russian!

In the plane on the way back there were babies both the row in front of me, and behind me. The one behind was so small it slept the whole way. The one in front only made a sound when his next bite of mushed banana wasn't coming fast enough. He enjoyed the banana so much he was waving/flapping his little arms and legs. And I felt an answer coming from my belly. I'm ever so slowly starting to believe it might become a take home baby next year.
Another new (to me) thing my bump told me loud and clear is to make sure I get enough sleep. After the return flight I tried to work the rest of the day in the Amsterdam office, but I could hardly stand upright with the bump getting tight and hard. Sleeping 12 hours in my own bed did a world of good.
Better get to that now!

TMI on a pregnant body

maybe you read this over at Stirrup Queens.
This line struck me:

You fit into the You-sized space you always fit into.
The one only you can fill.

My own Me-sized space. Even though my size changes every week, sometimes faster than I can comprehend.
So time for me to take note (and probably time for you to stop reading and continue to my Riga post with pretty pictures)
My belly is growing. I know, kind of obvious and logical for everyone else, but it keeps surprising me. It is real. And sometimes it moves.
My areolae are darker now. In summer they were as tan as my arms. Now my arms are lighter again. But while my tan will keep changing with the seasons, my areola will forever mark me as someone who was more than 20 weeks pregnant.
Gingival recession. sounds prettier than receding gums but is the same non-pretty thing. Wiki doesn't mention hormones at all, but pregnancy hormones make the gums weaker, less tight around my teeth, more sensitive to 'agressive' brushing, giving room to plaque bacteria. Not good for foetus, not good for teeth. While I can stop the local infections with proper and gentle brushing, tooth picking plus flossing, I'm not sure the recession can be reversed. Booh.
Linea nigra. linea light for now. never mind, will fade somewhere next year.
Vulva bla bla bigger. I couldn't hear the proper word for it, and googling it is sort of gross. But will return to normal eventually.
And while I'm down there, no sneezing, because it's just not staying dry anymore.
oh, and I cry from reading sad stories. sleepless even from the violence in shawshank redemption (didn't even make it to the end).
And out of breath trying to run up four flights of stairs.

mhm, and if I drink a full glass after I've eaten I have to be careful it stays down. Find it hard to get used to. But not drinking enough might invite the cramps back in (although I've had them only twice)

'Pret-echo'

23 weeks, October 23rd

In Dutch it is called a pret-echo, an ultrasound scan just for fun.
On Tuesday I took my mother along to a small clinic, so she could see the miracle for herself. I always think the blurry grainy scan pictures are only cute as a reminder of a scan, not necessarily cute by themselves.
My mother did enjoy the scan very much, enjoyed sharing the experience and the oh-s and ahh-s. 
I asked my friend Lily to come along as well, hoping she could take some little movies with my mom's camera. What I didn't realise was I would get more than just 6 pictures of our 15 minute appointment (like the website said), we actually got the whole scan on DVD. Including the sound of the heartbeat for about 10 seconds.


I remember when my brother was over the moon happy showing 3d scan pictures of my unborn nephew that my father was withdrawing, it was too much technology for him. (or so I thought)
So when the next day I dropped by my parent's to leave a copy of the DVD on my mothers apple computer I was a bit surprised he offered his own windows laptop after about 1 second of me trying in vain to work with hers.
It took some effort to get the file to play, and then the settings needed some tinkering. But we ended up watching the DVD about three times overall, with me explaining what I could about what we saw. And at last my father said it was beautiful...

The nice thing of the scan on my request was that I could also ask if the scan lady could still find the twin. She did. There is still a small sac visible, 1.5 cm across now. This little universe, built from the twins dna, dissolving, shrinking like a tiny private black hole now.

For a month now (Nov 23rd) I've been thinking of how to make this into some kind of goodbye. And ~surprise~ I can't really. It seems never enough or right. May made a final point (second half of that post) I can agree with. I'm not that angry at the moment, but sad.
I find myself dreaming of how to put it on the birth announcement, even if only for a few people. So hard to find the right words.
I don't allow myself much time for sadness, but this blog feels like the natural place to come back to it.
 

it's very pastelly yellow

Very pastelly yellow was my first thought when I saw it standing in my parents living room. I like the iron work, the curly feet, the wavy side. It looks, mhm, quite modern in a way. I will give it some time to see if I can get used to the fabric. Our current house is quite full already, and there are a lot of green little stars on the outside. Plus you can't see much of the iron this way. The inside is yellow with tiny white dots, much quieter.
On the other hand: I'm quite clumsy when it comes to fabric and sewing and such. Taking off the fabric  I could easily do, but getting something else back on? I have no idea how old or new this fabric is though, last baby in the crib was born 2006, the 3 before him late 90s, so probably less than 20 years...
Oh, when we arrived home there was one tiny detail: the top (bed) half didn't fit through the front door. (I wasn't kidding when I said the front door is smaller than your fridge door) The widest point of the crib-handles is only 69 cm, but it wouldn't fit. Luckily the neighbours arrived soon after us and were kind enough to let us use their front door / staircase / balcony. (and then on to our balcony)

{update: After one night I can say it is still so surreal to have this in our house. Like it is a prop for a play maybe}

Drama with stepteen refusing to see me and/or come to Amsterdam continues (It's been two months now). DP spent two male-only days with the boys for their autumn break at his parents place and the contact was perfectly normal. (But the topic was avoided) Now the Amsterdam kid weekends are only filled with his youngest son.

When DP was getting ready to drive the crib filled car from my parents' to our house his boy was suddenly keen to cycle back with me. He was fine in traffic and kept talking all the while.
Did I know what was strange? In fairy tales the stepmothers are always evil, but there are also some very lovely stepmothers. Oh, there is our bridge, here we turn right!

I think he was right on all accounts... (the thing is, we never refer to me as stepmother, we just use my name, so I'm slightly puzzled if this came out of the blue)

1880

It was the year 1880 and my great-great-grandmother unexpectedly gave birth to a baby. My great-great-grandfather was overjoyed and ordered a crib from a blacksmith for this occasion. This crib must have been reasonably solid, as it was passed down the generations. Can't remember if my mother slept in that crib as a newborn, but she could tell me that my brother and I did, as did some of her nephews and nieces. the youngest of whom is 27 now. In the mean time this crib has been in a different branch of the family, which my mother got in contact with. Next week the crib will be delivered back to her. She reckons she probably kept the sheets for the crib. For more than 40 years? 'Well, they are only small' she said.
I will not be passing down any dna, but I'm so very happy and grateful to hopefully have a chance to pass down this tradition. And the most amazing thing? my favourite baby name that I've been savouring for years, was also given to this baby in 1880...

Shopping

My mother told me that as a kid I always dragged her into the Mothercare store so I could push around the prams (but I can't remember).
As a student I loved to browse through baby aisles of warehouses, and my favourite gift was to pick out baby socks, just because they were so small.
As an infertile it became a nightmare to be in a shop surrounded by baby items.
Last week I decided I really couldn't put it off any longer to buy a flexible bra. I'd done some research online to find a shop that should carry the size I needed. I went in (in a baby/mother shop), but by the time I reached the back wall with the bras (had to pass multiple aisles with baby clothes) I was already in a mild panic. Bought two as quickly as I could without trying them on.
At home I saw I bought nursing bras. Can hardly express how embarrassed I was. Or how much I dreaded going back. (yes, in my mind it is still impossible to buy things only needed in a certain kind of future) In the end my colleague Lily decided we could go together during lunch break, as it would probably be quieter than on the weekend. She was right, the store was deserted, and she calmly helped me pick not only the right size but the right item as well. (Plus riding with her on the tandem was both great fun and a nice distraction)

On Saturday I asked my mother to go shopping with me for pants I can keep wearing to work. I wanted black pants that say 'nothing to see here, move right along'
Normally she is very good at being pleasant with the sales people while giving me little nods of approval or tiny shakes of no. This time she kept encouraging me to try more things on and in the end she liked almost everything, so I ended up with 6 items that all mix and match and will get me through winter.
I think my mother enjoyed it very much, being surrounded by maternity clothes and talking with the sales lady. (she may even have toned down her outward enthusiasm for me)
22 weeks today and I still find it weird and hard to believe. It's only 5 kilo's difference and so far only 1 person has come up to me to ask if I was just getting a little belly or pregnant.

Growing just fine

Big scan was all OK.
It was quite a difference being scanned by a ultrasound technician instead of a midwife. This lady wasn't interested at all in any waving of arms or legs! (or me for that matter)
All kinds of organs were looked at, brains, skin, bones. Nothing out of the ordinary, so yippee.
It was lovely to see DP glued to the screen, his face shining. Even though most of the time we had no real idea what we were seeing, (e.g. I couldn't tell the difference between the inside of the belly and the inside of the head) half of the time the little one was moving and that is something we understand.

At the end I asked if she could find the other sac, but she said she saw nothing. didn't really give the impression she even wanted to look for it, was running late even at 10 AM. I was a bit sad to not have a somewhat final goodbye. Or maybe just the feeling that the other one doesn't matter at all anymore is what hurts.

DP was eager to get back to the office, but once we got there (11:40 AM) I just couldn't bring myself to go inside. My boss had informed the team, my colleague Lily had texted that reactions were quiet and happy, but I needed some more time. I got HB to join me outside for lunch. Oh we found out the gender, but DP wants to keep that private. The thing is that HB sees right through me, so while I only said that everything is OK HB already knew. ah well, he will keep it to himself. He just might have to be the godfather of this little one.

What else?
Loads of things happening.
On Mondays yoga and orchestra rehearsal.
Wednesdays an evening course of 10 evenings (work, mandatory) to learn about Plesiochronous Digital Hierarchies, Wavelength Division Multiplexing and other things I never wanted to know about.
Thursdays bootcamp.
And some stepkid drama going on. I'm thinking it's his age, 13, he is thinking it's me (and my sarcasm).
I find it hard to blog about it, and equally hard not to. I suppose the good news is that DP is quite rational about it and not blaming me but standing by my side, but as long as the stepteen isn't rational and refuses to come for the weekend DP misses out on his son (and son on his father) It makes for rather silent evenings around here.

HB left today for another diving trip in Egypt. I feel guilty for not going (no mixing scuba and grasshoppers), for not being there as his buddy. More in the emotional sense than actual practical scuba. Thinking he might need me. A shoulder to cry on when/if he finally allows himself to miss his parents. Although I'm afraid I need him more (and his shoulder). Scared of not being on the same wavelength.
ah, phone beeps, my text messages are finally getting delivered to HB, so this means that at least his phone got safely off the plane.
Always so reassuring to get a sign of life. Whether it is small beeps or little blubs from below.

Take care.

Dear Aunty Lizzie

She answered!

And of course her answer is both wise and funny.
Good news only then.
I agreed with my boss he would tell the team while I'm away to get my big scan this Wednesday.
Such simple solutions.

(I think I can still hide my belly for a little while though. Plus people see me eating candy all the time, so might not be surprised to see me grow ;-)

updated: Apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't want to tell coworkers. And judging by the sheer number of reactions and the post itself it's a hot topic. I guess much depends on what kind of reaction and support you can expect from colleagues... 

4:56 AM

Yesterday was a good day.
Weather was fine, not cold yet, not wet. An excellent day for walking, so I joined the BFG on the big walking tour (Dam to Dam) from Amsterdam to Zaandam, 26 km. (16 miles)
Proud as a peacock I went home, with very sore calves.
My cousin (who knows about these things) advised to drink lots of fluids and to keep moving. Also massaging and warm bath/shower. I discovered quickly that he was right: sitting still, even with my legs up made them hurt more. (Massaging was too painful)

This motivated me enough to go to a birthday party of some friends who have been through a long IF journey. When the invite came a couple of weeks ago I had very carefully asked if they wouldn't hurt having a pregnant guest, and straight away I got the answer I would be more than welcome as they were finally expecting as well. They are 6 weeks ahead of us. At the party I found out they had gone the same route we did! Another friend of them was most pregnant, and somehow we spend most of the evening comparing treatments and bellies. Strange relief to be among a DE-IVF majority. And I left with two pairs of pants.

This morning I think it happened. 4:56 AM. I think I felt something moving...A little blub?. Of course it could be gas. it could be a muscle twitch. it could be my own heartbeat that sometimes resonates in my belly. it could even be my imagination. But I'm hoping it was a sign of life from the grasshopper.
So I'm sitting really still on the sofa, hoping it will happen again. Hoping the magic will capture me (and protect us) 

Telling....

DP and I don't quite agree on who to tell when and what.
We work at the same company, different departments, different jobs, opposite side of the building. And this Monday he shared the happy news with his team. Then we had our lunch walk where he forgot to mention this. So when he ran off to a meeting and I wandered onto his floor to put the leftovers in the fridge, there were happy faces saying Congratulations!! I stared at them blankly and mute. They filled me in, I blurted out that DP could have warned me, blabbered about things not being so easy and fled.
DP strongly suggested I tell my team too.
Then I read womb4improvement asking for more agony aunt questions.
I've been reading her blog for a long time, this year she was pregnant with twins, first losing one, two weeks later losing the other (at 6 & 8 weeks) and now I wrote her. She replied she will post her answer next Monday. Have to admit I'm looking forward to it. Even if she makes light of it (maybe that will help me lighten up too)

Part of me thinks it's nobodies business. Thinks people will see it any day now, no need to talk about it too. (I gained almost 4 kilo since May)
I just want work to be a place to work, not  somewhere I need to guard myself against the 'think positive' comments (as if the one twin didn't make it because of what I thought, or didn't think)

It's Still Alive!

it was even waving at us

;-)

still grasshopping, still growing, still heartbeating.

later today : now that some tension is gone I'm getting so tired.... will be a good night of sleep I hope.
What can I still remember from the scan.
- the head was measured, and found ok for 14w3d
- the placenta seemed very big thick and woolly
- there were soooo many tiny vertebrae
- we could see a little arm waving with the smallest left hand I have ever seen. The image was frozen for me so I could count to 5 and they were all there.

We asked if she could see if it was a boy or  girl yet, and she tried, even got a view of two legs but with the fuzz there was nothing obvious. (So now I'm reassured that the little one doesn't have a very large penis, we would have seen it then and it would have been slightly freaky)

After the scan, the midwife went through some questions, probably all standard stuff, but quite alien to me. Had we arranged 'kraamzorg' already (maternity care? postnatal care?)
erhm, no, I was most interested in finding out if the grasshopper was still alive.
Was I planning on breastfeeding? what? why are they even asking? this year I plan on feeding little one through the umbilical cord me thinks.
I explained I was not quite over the shock of one twin trying to vanish. (it is still visible, still in a little sac) Then she said she understood, and made a note in my file so I can come in any time to listen to the heartbeat to reassure the survivor is still hanging on. Very kind and thoughtful (almost un-dutch to let someone come in without medical necessity)

Oh , and I'm allowed to exercise again, with moderation. Yay for stress release! and better fitness might come in handy next year.

I find I'm getting emotional. Not sure if it is the change in hormones, today i can stop taking my superdose of progesterone and will remove estrogen patches shortly, so don't know if the net effect will be more or less hormones.
Thinking of all your little ones that I know of that vanished and getting a bit sad again. Wishing you will soon be at least as lucky as I seem to be now. While some questions freak me out, none of them are as hard to answer as the ' and now what' of IF.
hugs

O well

After worrying so much, Saturday morning telling the boys wasn't so bad.
I was prepared for no interest at all, for just self-centered questions about bedrooms, but the boys mostly wanted to know if it would be a boy or a girl.
During the rest of the weekend some questions trickled in, nothing much.

It was only after DP had brought them back home that the bomb went off: his ex didn't take the news well to put it gently.
So now it was DP who had a sleepless night about it.

(I managed to be a bit more supportive than saying told you so.)

I'm sorry for DP he misjudged the situation, sorry for the boys their parents fight again, can only hope they never noticed since it was a text message war, and glad that it is none of my business.

Just counting the days till the scan on Friday, curious if the little one is still alive.

Telling the boys?

Last week DP was on the phone with his brother, and at some point told him about our success with our Spanish IVF. A little while later I realised he just shared the good news part of the story. No mention of twins or the vanishing thereof. Instead his SIL came on the phone and within 30 seconds I heard DP say we were not planning a home birth. (?!)
Had to leave the room at that point.

This Tuesday DP mentioned he would be picking up the boys on Friday and that he thought it would be time to tell them. My first upset was that I didn't even know they would be here again a weekend earlier than expected (AND two consecutive weekends because of family stuff happening end of August)
Then I spend lying awake at night worrying how to deal with this.
I've tried saying 'no, I'm not ready'  We tried discussing it quietly. Yesterday we fought about it. And I lost the fight. Big time. I even have to be there. Saturday morning.
In my mind there is no point in telling the kids before I start showing. When you're 9 and 13 years old February is a long way away (as is the skill of empathy). And I have this feeling DP doesn't want to share the fact that things can go wrong, could already have gone wrong since the last scan three weeks ago (or have gone wrong 5 weeks ago).
But DP insists it is only fair, since he told his brother, so it's time to tell close family. DP kept repeating that what I wanted (not telling) is not an option and that I should make clear what I want. I have no idea how to find middle ground in a discussion like that, so I gave up. Figuring that if we do what DP wants at least one of us is happy. And I said DP is going to be single point of contact for the boys from then on and has to answer any questions/deal with any upset/jealousy/disagreement/enthusiasm.

The only relief is that I was planning on meeting up with An on Saturday on the beach and HB on Sunday.

Little twin things that will never happen...

Right after the first scan that told us about the twins I had a twin-mom-friend on the phone. We were laughing and cheering and couldn't believe our luck. She offered her twin stroller for sale and I said I'd be happy to buy it a bit later on.

Out of the blue HB said I shouldn't buy a double stroller and block the aisles in the supermarket, that he hated that. Only to continue that I would never do that because it wouldn't fit through my front door. {He's got a point, our front door is the size of your fridge door}

There is a design baby stuff store around the corner, and in the window they have a double decker stroller that looks very small (and foldable). And I stopped to look at it through the window.

When meeting up with lostintranslation she brought me a gift for the twins, matching onesies, as encouragement for them to grow into and for me to hold on to hope...

And now it is so hard to let go of that hope, that dream of twins.
Despite the other one (probably, still) growing I just don't dare to start hoping again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 2012 thoughts on this....
 My father is a bit of a shy, or maybe I should say modest man. He would never say it is his turn to hold the baby. With twins I would have been able to give each grandparent a grandchild to hold (and i still have that picture in my mind...)

Hourglass

Was all clothing oversized in the eighties? By the end of the eighties my body had morphed into something I didn't understand. I think my sizes were close to what some proclaim as 'ideal', the 90-60-90 hourglass model, and so very tall too. But I was convinced it was not ideal at all: impossible to find jeans that fit in the waist, my mom was forever altering them for me (put elastic band in and tighten to size) And boobs with cup DD were stupid in my eyes, most inconvenient for sports and, well, people stare at them, which I found highly embarrassing... So hiding in oversized clothing was the fashion for me.
Early nineties the boobs calmed down to D, later C (and all the extra shape moved down)
And slowly I learned to appreciate my body for other qualities than athletic ones.
It took till this millennium though before I would dress in anything tight fitting. (made a lot easier having flattened down to B) And that is the era I bought my office clothes in.
But this week I couldn't button my blouse to the top. And I realised that the older bras were fitting much better than the newer ones.
Ahem.
I feel slightly odd wearing lingerie picked by boyfriends from a distant past, all lacy and shiny.
I bet you wouldn't be surprised to learn DP has a no-frills approach ;-)
Grateful for another symptom though. Because 'being tired' doesn't tell me much, not in combination with the thyroid circus going on.

http://www.arkhipoff.com/paint/hour_glass_for_eternity.htm

And I much appreciate the irony of the return of the hourglass while I'm waiting to see where this will take me.

Relief

All was well with the survivor....
The bigger little one almost doubled in size these past two weeks, the smaller little one was still there and had shrunk only a little. A small quiet little blob. I´m grateful that DP got to see it too, and in some weird way find it comforting it´s still there.

The bigger little one seems to have drunk some grasshopper juice and wanted to show it was very much alive. DP insisted it looked human already, the sonographer lady/obstetrician/verloskundige was busy pointing out legs and arms (wait, what, where did they come from? they weren't there last time?) and it would hop away again before she could finish her sentence.
According to her the chances of anything happening to the bigger one are very small now. Or at least the chances of me not noticing anything at all. But of course not impossible till 16 weeks....
We got some printed pictures, and DP thinks it pure magic. I find them a bit scary, it looks like you can see part of the skull I think. Not cute at all. So I won't post them here (but I'll append them after the pictures of the double lines.)

When I asked after my blood test results she did check, and said everything looked 'normal'.
Then I specifically asked for my TSH, and it was 4.0 yeah, I know, within normal range. But last time it was 4.4 (also normal) and Spain said to increase my thyroid medication and it doesn't seem to have much of an effect if it only dropped to 4.0 My dr Google degree says I want it to be more like 2.5 max. But I'm going to have to find a doctor here who supports that. Careful with this link, apparently about.com doesn't know not to place big belly pictures for first trimester guidelines.
Plus I think the verloskundige/ OB? isn't a doctor that can prescribe medication anyway.
Soo, I still need to advocate for my medication, but the next scan is in 4 weeks already.

Tonight I'll try to dream of the bigger little one being so very alive (and the smaller little one still keeping it company)
Thanks for thinking of me, it's been a rough two weeks. (DP even said today he had missed me)
(And I'll hit publish before the battery runs out!)

Update:
More Relief.
this (Friday) morning I called the hospital back, this time asking people at reception for my blood test results. They went and chased a gynaecologist for me, called me back saying that indeed the gyn wants my TSH below 2 and will fax my prescription to the pharmacy this very same morning. Thank you....

Waiting for Thursday

Two more nights till the next scan... and I'm quietly terrified.
Even if it is good news for the remaining one, it's still just not the same.
Today in the library I browsed the pregnancy section but couldn't pick anything. I haven't looked in the embryo picture book. Somehow I find it all too much confrontation.

Four days ago (on Saturday) we returned home. On Sunday I took refuge at HB's. When he asked me if I would try to escape the boys for this week by going to work I realised I'm not ready to go back to work.
I did have some practice in telling people though. On Thursday my brother called and he was very sad for me. On Friday my mother joined us for one day of cycling, and I told her when I picked her up from the station. While she was sad with me for a while she also kept asking questions, even asking what medical preparation I had done to get ready before transfer... I managed not to snap at her nor tell her to get a book from the library.

O well, I suppose I'm angry and have nowhere to direct that anger. I snap easily at the boys (how hard can it be to use fork and knife for eating your dinner for heaven's sake. 9 & 13 and I've run out of patience. Never mind)

DP did ask if we had good news on Thursday if I would be scared again on Friday. I couldn't even reassure him I wouldn't. I suppose physically there are no signs of things not right. But since there weren't any signs two weeks ago.... O well, sad and scared. And waiting for Thursday...

Round and round

We've been cycling for a week now. The monotony is soothing. Only crying on the inside now. On the outside I'm a bit of a grumpy person I suppose, but people leave me alone and I need that.
I've tried to talk to DP a bit. But, as always, people react in different ways. I think he needs to focus on his boys now. While I wish he would hold me more without me having to ask he is moving on, afraid to get stuck in the moment. At least, that is how it feels to me now.
I'm a bit scared. I no longer have that full bladder feeling. The burst of spots on my face has cleared up. I'm not nearly as tired as before. I have no idea if the other one is still holding on. If I can loose one without much of a fuss, without  reason, I might not even notice if the other follows. I've been the 1 in a 1000 woman before...
The weirdest thing about leaving on our trip right after the scan is that I haven't had to face anyone, and haven't told anyone in real life. (Well, HB picked me up from the hospital, but he is the kind of person who comforts first and waits for the story)
I'm trying to remember who knew there were two. My brother knows but I haven't told him now. It seems harder over the phone somehow and he is in London most of the time. DP told his parents about the twins but hasn't spoken with them since. (his parents weren't even surprised about twins. Wondering if they are equally cool about losing one. His father was hoping for a girl, already having 4 grandsons. I don't know, it's not that they don't care, they just handle emotions so very differently)
So, I'm wondering whether or not to tell people. If I don't people might not understand my worry. If I do I have no idea how people will react.
Then again, this is mostly a moot point. I have another week off work, and in that week will be the next scan. I'll see then if there is any story left to tell.
And after all those thoughts I keep getting back to the other little one. With our donor being anonymous it might have been such a great source of comfort to be with two. Where the most special thing about you is that you were one of twins, more than some exotic complicated technical story. Plus of course the realisation this may have been my only shot at having two kids.
O well, not sure if this counts as coping, self pity or denial. Sorry if this is not very coherent.... Just my thoughts going round and round....

There really wasn't much difference between the two little ones this morning. One slightly smaller than the other one, measuring  8w2d and 8w3d. (while I think the fertilisation was 8w1d ago, a Tuesday then, a Wednesday today) Except the little one had very little fluid around it. And no heartbeat. No circulation.
I thought I would only have a quick consult to get my thyroid medication sorted. But the new lady doctor had done her homework with the information she had and was asking me many questions to get my file complete. And after half hour she asked if she could do a scan. DP was home with the boys but I didn't really think about it too much and said yes, eager for an extra chance to see my little ones.

Part of me feels like this was bound to happen, that my dream couldn't have lasted in the real world. My secret dream of twins. How do you say in English? in my heart of hearts?
And then, suddenly I was afraid to tell DP. Afraid he would be relieved. But of course he was just as shocked as I was.
There was no reason for this to go wrong, no other than 'this happens sometimes'.

I don't know how to not be afraid
for the other one.  I'm so sad, so scared. Curling up in a ball under the blankets doesn't help, tea and chocolate seem less comfort than they used to. Only crying feels right..
Such strange conversations in my head. Because the littlest one is still there. Still with me. Will likely become one with me. Oh little one, how come you've grown so much but your heart isn't beating? will you keep growing a little more? will you stay like this a while? Slowly fade into your surroundings? Will I see something on the next scan? Did you not know how much I care for you?

Rationally I would expect myself to have mixed feelings, but today I'm so sad it hurts my stomach... Rationally I know the bigger little one is doing OK. Rationally I'll keep following my medication schedule. Rationally I know I will be OK.

I didn't even know I could miss a second little one this much....

Just One

unexpected scan this morning when I went in to get my thyroid medication adjusted.
Just one heartbeat........

Mixed Signals and Symbols

On Scary Saturday I reverted to polar bears for comfort. But now week and a half later, I realise I had chosen Knut as a symbol of the child we will never have. And that, maybe, now that that last scan was OK I could try to hold on to Toro Patudo again, souvenir from Spain. Toro is so playful with its coloured feet, cheerful. Hopeful.
Maybe it was passing that 7 week mark where it went wrong the other time, that was hard to believe, and even harder to be playful about. That other time I felt absolutely dreadful the whole weekend. And then the cramps started and it was all over.
Now a bit fearful for everything that feels out of the ordinary. What is this twinge left side? Why does my bladder feel so weird? How come lower belly is so sensitive? Feeling more tired everyday makes me more worried everyday. The two dutch twin-mom-blog-readers have been doing a great job at reassuring me this is part of this package deal.Even though it feels like mixed signals to me. Still tired though...


And then came the thyroid. No wonder I was getting so tired. I have some medication of 25 mg left over, I'm taking that over the weekend, the initial lower dose. And I feel a bit better for it already (or want to believe I do). Even if on Monday I get prescribed the 50 mg I still get to get there in smaller steps.

The boys are excited about the bike trip. I'm happy about that, happy they didn't go blah why can't we go abroad. The younger one even made victory sounds and signs when we told him we will sleep in a castle the first night. And take a look:

Wouldn't you want to stay there? You can...

bouncing

Email from Spain.
I had sent them my latest blood test results:
June 29 after stopping the Eutirox
TSH 4.4 ml/L
T4 free 12 pmol/L
My doctor not yet available they asked someone else: take the Eutirox again, but now 50 instead of the 25 I was taking at first and the zero after that.

Dear doctor, my thyroid is not a rubber ball. Don't start bouncing it around. I don't like it and I'm sure the little ones are less than thrilled.

My mission for Monday is to get myself a gynaecologist who knows what to do with thyroids, antibodies and first trimester. I prefer balancing to bouncing.

I discovered a wee bit of spotting again. I know that this weekend I can do no more than rest and get my paperwork ready. But o dear, hormones + fatigue + worry simply do not equal

'just relax'

Wonderful

Today was a wonderful day.
We went to the same goldsmith that created my birthday gift 5 years ago. Together we designed something to go with it for my 40th. When we were done he was excitedly wondering why he hadn't thought of that before... It will be ready in a month, I'll show you then and will try to explain the symbolism it carries for me.

Tonight we planned the summer holiday for when the boys are here. An epic bike tour around the country, we get to sleep in a castle once and I will get to ride an electric bike.

Tomorrow meeting a friend from inside the computer, and, very appropriate for the url of this blog, we arranged to meet in a poffertjes tent. :-)
Looking forward to all of it.

Leap

Good news.
Feels like I just leaped into the other universe...

Did you know that blackbirds start their song at 4 AM? And keep going for more than an hour? Ours does...
After my shower I could for the world of me not decide which socks would be my lucky socks today. other option:  Picked a new pair of shoes that go without socks.
Past the lab to get my repeat-2 blood test for TSH. Then on to the hospital.

Scan this morning, as scheduled. Had to invite DP to come sit next to me and watch the screen, he thought he could stay behind the desk. Just as well, because it was hard to believe.
I'm no star at reading those grey white pixels, but black I can see. Usually that is my full bladder, but today I had made sure it was empty. So when I saw something black pop up I noticed. A sac. Then the doctor moved the wand around just a touch and found something in the sac. grey white, fuzzy. And some pixels seemed to be not sure of their colour. I was willing the doctor to say it, and indeed, he said we had a tiny little heartbeat.
Holding DP's hand tight.
Wand moving further. More black
Would it really?
yep, second sac.
And?
also occupied.
and ticking too
Crushed DP's hand.

measurements were done. Then the doctor left us to print the report.
DP looked at me and said 'two, that is quite a lot'
Mhm mm
'Can they still split?'
nah, with the hearts already formed it would be too late now.
Poor DP. I'm so happy, this is my dream. But I know he just wanted one. We hadn't talked about it since one was nearly impossible already. And of course we don't know how long there will remain two.

polar bears. The support team lending a crown-to-tail

-I've sent him out with HB to a wine bar, and I enjoy your company here on the couch...
(hah, I'm not alone anyway!)

Ah, doctor came back and led us to another part of the hospital, moved us from fertility to obstetrics so we could schedule our next scan.
The receptionist lady wanted me for a 9 week scan, which turned out to be in the middle of the 3 weeks that DP will have the boys. While I was eager to get the next scan soon, DP pressured me I figured that one week later wouldn't hurt, not enough at least to make a serious holiday impossible.
With that settled the lady went on about Down syndrome test and high risks and delivery and brochures and WHAT? Wait! Are you crazy? We heard five minutes ago about pixels alive. Next scan is all I can and will take today.

At work HB took one look at that big grin of mine and he knew.
Then, somehow, I managed to get some work done, something complicated and important that was needed this month. I'd warned my boss he might need to take over from me, but it turned out he didn't know very well. (and Lily wasn't there today either)

Weekend.
And now seems the right time to look in my picture book to find out what you do when you're only 6mm small. (although I might fall asleep with that book and that big stupid grin on my face)

S-1

Scan is tomorrow. Do you say scan when you mean ultra sound? I do (and confuse my dutch GP) In Dutch I say echo... anyway.
I can't make plans past tomorrow morning. (Other than making sure HB and DP will be there, whether to celebrate or otherwise)
Hard to believe that DP only just now asked me if there was a chance of bad news. He quickly remembered the only other time we went for a scan after fertilisation, and that there was almost nothing left to see. But to him the two scans seem unrelated.

I suppose the last days I have been somewhat reassured by the returning of pure white (o dear, how do I say, leakage? goo?) without leftover streaks of brown. Still have this sort of full bladder feeling. Plus there is nothing more I can do. I'm taking my medication punctually, eating healthy, drinking and resting more.

But I've been keeping myself distracted: Monday orchestra (half rehearsal), Tuesday to bed early,Wednesday dinner with my new colleague friend. Let's call her Lily. She prepared Vietnamese food and I learned how to roll summer rolls.

Not as neat as these though, no shrimp, and of course the first ones fell apart. But such yummy different flavours. All Gluten and Lactose free. Before I know it she will teach me how to knit as well ;-)

Work is always busy at the end of the month. I'm trying to not think about tomorrow. Even if there is something that must be done because the EU orderer it so. Someone else can do it for me if need be. I may have to find a way to get a scan picture to Spain but I don't want to go into work if there is bad news.

Oh, I forgot to tell you on Saturday, but after the castle there was a hotel for coffee, and they had plush toys from WWF for sale in the lobby. I bought 3 polar bears; a big one and two small ones...

Scary Saturday

Saturday was full of plans. Family, a charity event steeped in tradition, people in robes, people in church. And just before it all started I started spotting. Made the whole day very emotional. People taking vows to support charity, hymns with choir and organ. During the prayer where the whole congregation promised to protect the weak and help the small I had tears rolling down my cheeks. If only the power of their 300 voices, their wills could help my little one(s)....

The spotting was little to begin with and was getting less during the day. But it was a strong reminder how fragile this all is. What confidence and hope I had been gathering over the past two weeks isn't as strong any more. Counting down the nights till Friday, u/s day. 4 more nights of hope and fear. Trying to keep my thinking in the now, to avoid all the what ifs....

This, this being powerless to steer towards a good outcome, it makes me feel like a 6 year old. If I don't touch the lines between the tiles today it will work.
If three traffic lights in a row are green it's okay.
If I follow the signs...
If I'm good....

My cynical voice laughs at me: see what I'm becoming? a child, an idiot, not a mother..
My brave voice counters: Hormones, not me! May said so herself!
My scientific voice is quiet, it waits till Friday. But even my scientific voice doesn't dare to open the scientific picture book to see what could be happening this many day after fertilisation...

(off to bed before I start crying again)

more lines

More lines that make me happy:

Picture from the package
-only wishing our bedroom was this pretty-

I've bought this bedlinen set years ago.
And now seemed the right time to sleep on (under) it.  ;-)

Did I tell you I had my TSH tested again on Friday? Results came back today

TSH       0.04 ml/L
T4 free   21   pmol/L 

Last time it was well within normal range:
TSH                       2 mU/L        (0.5 - 5)
T4 free                  15 pmol/L     (9 - 24)
so with taking the Eutirox medication and the Hcg floating about my person the TSH dropped a factor 50. By the time I was done with a set of highly annoying meetings at work it started to sink in. The dutch doctor's assistant even called me back, saying I should talk to a doctor.  I'd emailed Spain but not gotten a reply of what to do yet and I found my friend Mijke online. She was a sweetheart and delved into Google, filtering for me and sending me reassuring links to read. It helped me not panic. It seems that TSH too low is not dangerous, especially not when T4 is still high. Then Spain emailed back, saying I should simply stop taking the Eutirox and get tested again in two weeks.
Oh, and I arranged for an ultrasound on June 29 in my old hospital. Exactly 1 month after fertilisation, the 6 week u/s.
To be sure that DP will be there I sent him a meeting request via the office mail/calendar system. This way I know for sure that his time is blocked and reserved for me only. And hopefully for one or two more....
oh, dear Mijke asked me if I felt ready to accept the C- word now. For my birthday, yes.
The rest I'm taking in two week increments. I guess over the past years reading blogs I've simply seen too many lost. Just recently Womb4Improvement lost hers at 6 and 8 weeks. May and ~C~ have lost so many so early (would Pikaia and Knut be almost the same age?), while TwangyPearl's Figment made it to around 12 weeks. At the previous company a colleague lost them at 10 and 11 weeks.
Worst memory: the guy sitting opposite me there announced their second pregnancy while I thought it was my turn. For months I kept thinking it should have been me. And then they lost their girl at 36 weeks. I know it was a highly unlikely freak incident, but I did feel soooo guilty and rotten about it!
Well, it can't all happen to me at the same time, and I have a street full of evidence that quite a few kids get born alive.
For now I trust that sometimes I get to be on the good side of the statistics, but it still feels a bit theoretical. Not comfortable browsing books full of pink clouds I asked my scientific friend An if she had something for me to read.
Without telling her dates I told her about our Spain plans, and she lend me a book from her that has pictures and explanations about what happens from the moment of fertilisation. Microscope pictures are cool in my book...

40

Festive breakfast for my fortieth birthday: 3 kinds of bread from the oven, 2 kinds fresh fruit juice, candles, tea. (roses and Toro still on the table)

8:25 call parents at time I was born.
10. hairdresser
11. doctor
12. optician, look for new frame running late already
13. free concert in Wester Church on Church Organ
15. High Tea with my friend An, parents and aunt&uncle
20. out, see below.

After work DP and HB will be there. I was thinking of getting tickets to some show but I had no idea how difficult that would be. We'll see if we can find something last minute, but it doesn't matter really. Today is a good day, even if it rains all day.

(update: While at the hairdresser a guy walked in. Getting a haircut for his performance tonight. He will play Rachmaninov  in the Van Gogh museum, a piece that was inspired by the painting The Isle of the Dead, accompanying a movie: Symphonic Cinema)

Transitions

I just reread last year's post. Still had a bag of those unwilling candles, now the one on the table is burning calmly by my side. Some white roses in a vase.
Still get sad with tears streaming down my face. But it is a different sad. I'm not drowning in it anymore. It doesn't leave me completely exhausted, unable to think with my brain turned to wet wool, incapable of facing the day after. (Although I remember all of that clearly)

Still miss my-little-one-that-never-was, the hurt is real, but no longer scary. Makes me want to cuddle soft toys where before it made me want to scream, made me so so Angry. Luckily ToroPatudo sits with me and doesn't mind being smothered.
It's ok to be sad today, it is safe, it is part of me, of infertility. Tomorrow will be another day.

And there will always be tea and chocolate.

We miss you Knut.

D+12

Spanish number on my mobile.
It was the doctor herself!
Asking how I was, asking if the spotting hadn't returned.
Confirming I need to keep taking all my medication for now, and to have my TSH blood test repeated this Friday.
Scan on June 29 (if I can arrange that)(should be no problem)

I'm mildly flabbergasted still. She could have the medical assistant call, or send an email. But she choose to contact me personally.

D+11

Today is two weeks after retrieval.
Today she might get her period.
She knows the clinic will not tell her if it worked.
Even though I told the clinic.
I hope she has a box of chocolates today, just like me.


The weird thing is that DP seems to think that we still might get negative news on Friday. He doesn't want to look at the pictures showing the lines (updated). He doesn't want to plan the next ultrasound in 15 days. Once again we deal with it in opposite ways. While I don't understand him I still try to respect this. Still hard. Thank you all for visiting my blog, your kind comments, holding my hand even, it helps to keep my sanity, now, when there's little left of it. (Not sleeping doesn't help, I know) Sorry for not being able to accept congratulations yet (Sorry Mijke, sorry mdhmom) I know it is not rational, but more some kind of panic, it's too early for me.

xxx

D+8 , 9

D+8
Saturday
I was getting increasingly nervous about testing on my birthday. I started counting medication to see if delaying till Saturday (D+15) would be an option. It will work for the estradiol patches, and I have plenty of progesterone. Aspirin and folic acid are available without prescription, so that leaves the thyroid hormone and the prednisolon. I did ask about those when we were in Spain, and the doctor said that pregnancy can be hard on the thyroid and needs to be checked, so possibly I need that for longer (well, you know, if, by then...)
I haven't dared to google the prednisolon any further. I understand it suppresses my immune system, and that may be most important during implantation. Wiki says:

"In humans, implantation of a fertilized ovum is most likely to occur about 9 days after fertilization, ranging between 6 to 12 days"

(Well, Wiki said ovulation. I replaced that with fertilization here. Just Because.)

latest tomorrow then. I started on a dose of 20 mg, but after 5 days stepped down via 15 to 10 daily. So maybe I don't need that later?

Next I started a different search engine (duckduckgo.com) because that doesn't leave traces and doesn't sell your search profile before you even finished typing. I wanted to know which POAS test has what sensitivity, and typically it isn't printed on the box! I found internet cheapies with very low threshold (20mlU/mL) and the page bragging that one national drugstore chain sells them as their 'home brand'. It also tells me not to test early because it could still go wrong between testing on 10dpo and 14dpo.
On the way to the store I saw a woman with a big belly. I almost wanted to stop and ask her belly to tell my belly what to do.
On the way back I saw another woman with an even bigger belly.

the test I got is not a poas literally, not as in the verb p, but only the noun. Instructions: P in a cup, take 4 drops, pipette those on the s. Set Timer. Wait 5 Minutes exactly. Then and Only Then Look.
Squint
Look harder.
And in my imagination I think I may have seen something.

It may very well be gone tomorrow.
But for today it is the faintest glimmer of hope

D+9
Sunday
chickened out of posting that yesterday....

Couldn't sleep very well after 4AM. At 5 I gave up, got up and tested again. So faint DP said he didn't see it, thought it disappeared. And wondered why I even bothered to test again, said it was pointless. (?!)
The thing with these tests is they claim only to be valid after 5 minutes exactly. The instructions literally say to throw negative tests away because the second line could colour later, falsely.
So yes, my very faint lines have turned into vague lines on the actual cassettes (and I showed DP yesterday only after a few hours, didn't want to tell him over the phone, and he could see it clearly then.)
BUT, I took pictures with my phone after the appropriate 5min. Bad pictures, bad lighting, vague subject matter, sorry.

I know it is very early. I know I'm driving myself crazy (and you too probably, sorry for that) I want to be prepared for every scenario, I want to hope, (mhm already hoping) but it will be a while before I can believe.
Glimmer of hope, please don't fade. Stay with me. Grow stronger.
please.

D+7

Friday
Extremely forgetful. The ID-pass I need to enter work I left at home. The daily pass I forgot on my desk on 3 separate occasions during the day.
I'm a bit afraid I'll find on Monday that the work I did was actually nonsense.

DP has a complicated weekend with kids/kids sport/family/party so he left work early.
I stayed and had a quick dinner with BFG.
Bit sad I can't go on the skate tour, it would have been perfect to take my mind of things, but even without the strong wind it's just too much exercise.

At home sat on the couch and forgot to even take my coat off.

D+3

This morning it felt very odd to be back at work.
Like nothing had happened...
But at lunch when HB joined DP and me at the table he sat down saying 'Hello you 4'. So nice to share that secret smile... and poor HB had had the most horrible weekend, dealing with arrangements for the care of his mother. Nursing home said 'oh, that 5 month waiting list we told you about, just yesterday? it's 5 days now, you have this weekend to decide if it's now or never.  Nice. The care is good, the paperwork not so much...

In the afternoon I did go to the yoga class, but told the teacher I was not allowed to exercise, so would be taking it easy. At first it was hard not to participate 100%, but after a while I enjoyed doing smaller and lighter variations and taking breaks in child pose. And still loosen my shoulders and do the relaxation exercises. 

Pffff. When I was only using the estrogen patches my nipples got oversensitive. Now that I'm supplementing the progesterone that is back to normal. Just that my lower belly feels a bit like my bladder is full all the time, even when it's not. I gained a kilo over the weekend, with all the cake breaks but not our usual marathon walks. (And my nails seem to grow faster)

Cutest thing today: DP playing with the Toro and saying we should find a safe place for it so the boys won't be rough with it.

D+2

Home safely. DP had no reluctance against buying a souvenir toy so we brought this little soft Toro with us. I think the label says TORO PATUDO but the top of the letters is missing so I could be wrong. Google translate says bigeye bull, but bigfoot bull would be more accurate ;-)
Also by a nice turn of luck we got seats on row 1 of the plane which was all kinds of nice, both the extra leg room and being the very first off the plane.

The contrast in the weather between Spain and home is quite big today: from sunny and 25 back to grey and 12. Makes the whole adventure seem unlikely and remote instantly. Now I have both my medication schedule and the toro to remind me.

oh, the book I read this weekend was 'The Lost and Forgotten Languages of Shanghai' by Ruiyan Xu. Infertility warning: one of the main characters is divorced because he wanted biological children and she couldn't face 'another round of shots' and wanted to pursue adoption. It doesn't play a role in any of the 340 other pages, even the designer of the Garamond type gets more explanation, so it's easy to skip, but very odd it's there. Other conclusion of the book: when communication breaks down, people feel isolated. Not good for a relationship.
Never mind, will return it to the library asap.

D+1

Sitting at 'home' yesterday almost drove me crazy. (the clinic advised bed rest after transfer) I can laze around for a few hours, but at some stage I start to feel caged. So for dinner we cheated a little and went to a nearby hotel for dinner.

Park Guëll in the morning, and we have been taking it easy, walking slower than normal and taking more breaks for cakes and coffee than other times.
Plus we went back to the apartment for a siesta!

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is real, that I can dream up little names like Woozle and Pip, or Otto and Nona. Other times I don't want to think about it, not fear whether it will work or not. I find it hard to buy souvenirs, can't decide if I would regret it later. So took a picture of some art-toy-craft and might order over the web when we know more.

Funny detail: During transfer there were quite a few people involved. Lady working the ultrasound scanner, medical assistant translating, our Italian lady doctor with yet another assistant and finally the embryologist. She had such a happy and bright face I liked her instantly, and hoped the little cells could feel her optimism as well. So all in all there were five women there, and DP was the only man involved in getting me pregnant. Maybe coincidence, maybe privilege, but a little detail I like anyway.
At home I'll try to upload some fotos, but for now I'm done trying to find out how the tab works.

D day

new treat in the bathroom:

ready to go.

Aaand back again.
Transfer was smooth. We got to follow the action via abdominal ultrasound. We saw the catheter appear and blow a little bubble. On another monitor we had a video playing images of the embryos: one eight cell and one nine cell, nice round and regular. Doctor said this is a good sign.
Nothing to freeze though, the five other ones weren't up to it. They will keep them a bit longer in the lab to see if they catch up but this isn't very likely.
Also the information about the donor match was quite hopeful, it seemed a perfect match with someone half my age + 3.
I'm trying not to blurt this information out, because I feel the kid(s) have the first right to know. When they are 12.
Gulp

D-1

arrived in Spain.
can hardly believe this is happening, it suddenly seems fast. It is what I was dreaming of, it is within the limit I had set myself.
spotting stopped.
tab/blogger does not let me paste the post I wrote on the plane, boo.
nervous and excited.
apartment is very spacious, happy with that.
but it's getting late and we're tired, will try again tomorrow.
xx

D-2

Spain emailed me back:

You should not be worried about, this could happen, but, please, try to moderate your efforts.

Please, let us know the evolution of the spotting tomorrow.

So then, maybe I'll get some sleep tonight. No more bootcamp for me for a while. (one lady in my bootcamp class is 14 weeks pregnant, so I thought I would be alright with my  minus 3 days....)
I'm thinking that maybe I could rent myself one of those electric bikes, mostly used by senior citizens (and sensible moms of twins!). That way I can still get to work super quick without having to worry about the exercise, or DP getting bored with going in a moderate tempo. Plus it would be great to finally go faster than him, effortlessly :-)


I made a little spreadsheet for my medication, just to keep track of what, how much and when to take it all. Some on empty stomach, some on full, some every 8 hours, some every 3 days.... Oh, and the pharmacy lady warned me that the combination of prednisolon and aspirin may cause stomach pains. yippee. I'll try taking one in the morning and the other after dinner.

I tried to get some feel good movies on the tab or on DVD for Friday, but the big PC crashed horribly so that didn't work. O well, time to brush up my Spanish by watching some TV maybe.
Besides, the weather in Barcelona is forecasted to be awesome, so maybe sitting on a balcony is a nice relaxing way to spend the remainder of transfer day.
2 nights to go....

Spotting

I tried to get news about retrieval and fertilisation, but the clinic would not tell me today unless something went wrong.
No news is good news.....
So in theory I'm probably expecting some fertilised eggs.
And now, just before bed I discovered I'm spotting. CD11. I don't get it.
I'm sort of contemplating starting with the progesterone half a day early instead of waiting till tomorrow. But the medication schedule is complicated enough as it is, have to change the estrogen patches tomorrow morning as well, and I'm too tired to call a doctor at this time of night.
Maybe this is just a side effect of today's workout....
One thing is for sure: it is a reminder of how easily things can go off track.
I was hoping to go to bed today feeling like a virtual mommy to my lab-baby-cells, instead I feel infertile again...

Hope this will all look brighter in the morning.

Dates!!!

More medication. And I bought some green tea to make it a more cheerful selection of boxes. Plus I have this vague notion that pomegranate is a symbol for fertility? (wiki says "a symbol of abundance, fertility and good luck")

And then on this sunny Sunday afternoon Spain on the phone. I almost dropped the phone when I saw the number. Egg retrieval is on Tuesday 29, transfer on Friday, June 1st.
Squeeeee!
Flights are booked, thankfully still normal prices. Now I'm trying to find a hotel room that is slightly bigger than the average stamp-size.
DP is out for the day&night with the boys, going camping with his brother and small son (little boy voice:"Sleeping in a tent!".)
So the house is very quiet while my nerves are racing. Half frozen behind the PC, half pacing the room. (in Dutch the saying for pacing is literally 'polar bear'-ing, which strikes me as ironic)
Ahhhhrg.........
Maybe it is time for ice cream. To celebrate both the news and this ridiculous perfect summer weather.

(and to suppress the thought of how to survive my 40th birthday if I test on that day and it is not positive)

More steps

After that frantic Friday I did pick up my eutirox prescription on time (17:35) and started with it the same day. With your reassuring comments I decided not to investigate further, didn't even read up on possible side effects.
The next Friday was much better. Ultrasound in the old hospital was the quickest ever: Hello, it's been a long time, endometrium all fine at 0.91 centimeter, ovaries doing nothing, here's the print, thank you and good luck. Doctor did cross his fingers for me and I was out the door within 5 minutes.
At work I put the print on the scanner (maxed it to 600 dpi) and emailed it to Spain.

Spain of the phone "that is fantastic! 0.91 centimeter, that is 9.1 millimeters! We can do the transfer soon now, your date will be...... between May 28................... and ............June 6................
keep your mobile switched on! we will call you when we know the date.

Umm, I take it those dates are based on my cycle and endometrium. For me Friday was CD8. The only thing I know is that the donor and I both took our last pill on May 13.
The clinic would know what her cd1 was
Ahhh, I could go on and on about possible and impossible dates or retrieval and transfer scenario combinations. But it comes down to: still no clue when I will be going to Spain.

Will go to the pharmacy today to pick up the aspirin and prednisolone. I need them 1 day before transfer. Because if I don't go today I will need them during this Pentecostal weekend and will have a hard time obtaining them.

----------------
The other weekend I was talking with HB and we commented how many boys there are in my family: DP has two boys, and both our brothers have two boys. That it would be nice and special if we would have a girl. Then HB asked if I could not ask the lab. It hadn't even entered my mind. After all the other decisions we've had to make you'd think I wouldn't be surprised any more, but I was. Can't even decide if it feels morally wrong. If it would be wrong to have a preference or only wrong if you act on it?
Just glad I don't have to decide or think on it for real.
And maybe slightly guilty I can't come up with boys names that I like and would fit our family while I have at least 4 girls names that I would love.
-----------------------

O well, time for a sunny breakfast on the balcony and then off to the pharmacy!

'positive' step

First two patches of estradiol are on my skin. Made me feel like I have an invisible superpower now, and hopped on my bike. Leaving DP behind with the boys, they all have the day off.

Swung by my doctor's assistant this morning to pick up the last thyroid results.
For those of you who speak thyroid here goes:

test                       my result     (normal range)
prolactine             19µg/l         (1.2 - 29.9)
TSH                       2mU/L        (0.5 - 5)
T4 free                  15pmol/L    (9 - 24)
T3                         1.49nmol/L    (0.89 - 2.45)
Thyroid globulin 66.3 µg/l    ( - 70)
antibodies TPO    218 IE/ml    positive from 101 IE/ml
antibodies Tg       349 IE/ml    positive from 345 IE/ml

Pap smear gives pap 1 which is normal.

So, all positive then! is what I thought. And then I looked up on google why I had the antibody test. And then it said that having those antibodies is no good, especially not when you want embryos to have a good chance to actually implant themselves.

When thyroid antibody positive women were treated with a combination of thyroid hormone, aspirin and prednisone their success rates closely mirrored that of women without thyroid autoimmune disease and far exceeded the results of their untreated counterparts.

Or you know, live baby. From other study:

The women in the treatment group had a live birth rate of 77% compared to 35% in the control group who received no treatment. The treatment group had a low miscarriage rate of 19% compared to 65% in the control group.

10:30
fired off email to Spain immediately saying I am worried, made a phone call to check if they work today (yes, my medical assistant starts at 11 and will speak with the doctor)

Hardly anyone in the office here, but I find it impossible to focus. Patches feel warm on my skin. Trying to stay off google. Just know that the longer I search the more thyroid cancer I will read about. Stress enough without that.

12. Dutch doctor on the phone not concerned, will only prescribe if I get word from Spain. Only available till 1500.

12:12 Spain on the phone, doctor not available yet. Assistant knows she will probably advice on some thyroid hormone, but doesn't know the dosage.

12:35 Dutch hospital emails back that I have an appointment for an ultrasound CD7. Yay

13:03 Spain on the phone: I am to take Eutirox 25 µgram starting today.

13:08 Spain by mail: start Aspirin and Prednisolone the day before transfer as well.

13:41 Dutch doctor's assistant will fax Eutirox prescription to pharmacy.