Happy New Year (?)

At the end of 2008 there was my miscarriage. Early 2009 was the IVF that failed into IUI and failed altogether. Weeks ago was the monitored cycle where ovulation failed. The trend I'm seeing is failure occurring earlier and earlier. Makes me afraid of 2010. What is the next thing that will fail? first sex, then relationship? I know I haven't been talking much about my relationship. Even realising this is sort of anonymous, knowing that I'm not alone with fear and anger, Oh sigh, I don't even know where to start, it seems so hard.

On the other hand, it seems we have all survived the xmas hurdle. Maybe we are stronger than we think. Maybe it is ok to have faith in highly unlikely miracles occurring. Maybe depression isn't so bad.

Maybe an evening with games and New Years Eve food plus some special cheeses with crackers will just carry me through the year. DP seems extra cuddly these days and apparently the world will not stop spinning. And who knows, maybe wishing you all a Happy New Year will make it come true!

From Amsterdam with Love...

(and carefull with the fireworks, please?! I'd like you to keep your fingers and eyes, for typing and reading and such)

Snow

Sunday afternoon some fresh snow was falling. DP and I went outside to the little playground and joined the kids from 4 houses down in making a snowman. It was quite fun playing in the snow, talking to the little ones (boy 4 and girl 3) and rolling small snowballs, stacking them etc. At some stage a neighbour mother from 5 houses down came outside, noticed us playing and said

"But you don't have kids?!"

I don't know, I want to believe she meant well. That it just came out wrong. She doesn't know about our infertility. She does know DP has kids. Maybe she doesn't understand the every other weekend part of that. Maybe she meant to ask if his boys would come outside so she could ask her kids as well?
I don't want to believe she meant that childless adults can not enjoy snow, that I had no right to be there. At the time I was too busy to think about it, but two days later it is nagging me.



We went for a walk in the park and saw plenty of evidence of people enjoying the snow. Most likely people from all ages and persuasions, if their snow art is any clue. How do you like this one? (I hope you can tell from the picture, it was getting dark)

... and gone

Progesterone down to 4 on CD19. The only day that would be a good value in a normal cycle would be 27 or 28 (on wiki), so I'm assuming this will be a very short cycle for me.(See, got my Dr Google degree) Big pimple on my chin would agree. Never knew they would last longer than my teenage years. Gosh, they lasted longer than my eggs...
On the phone the nurse said I could schedule an appointment 6 - 8 weeks from now. But, I already have one early January, does the doctor want me to reschedule? That seemed as silly to her as it did to me, so we left it at that.
I guess the number hasn't changed my mood. I'm not so sure how an appointment is going to make a difference anymore.

This morning I found Late For A Very Important Pregnancy
So many similarities it's quite shocking. How many childless stepmoms late thirties with high FSH would you think you'd find? especially admitting that 'he' doesn't always get it... I dived in the blog, but had to stop reading since every post made me cry. And it will be some hours before DP gets home to cuddle me.

Yesterday it snowed in Amsterdam, the city is turned into a slippery xmas carol. I'll go outside and try soak up the atmosphere, who knows if it lifts my spirits.

slivers getting smaller

The result of the progesterone was 14. Which is too low for luteal phase. CD16. The meaning 'anovulatory' would be the obvious one. Or 'too early', come back Friday the other option. I'm staring at this chart trying to wriggle my way out of the obvious. With my cycle around 24 days 'too early' is just not very likely. Too late, maybe.
And there I was, thinking it all looked so promising...

slivers of hope

Ohhhh, the games I play during the 2ww... This time I felt like picking out names for the two follicles. I even asked DP for suggestions. He looked at me like it was a stupid idea. He said he'd like to see before he believes, and there is nothing to see just yet. (I know)(but it hurts a little when he says things like this)

Yesterday, after bringing his boys back to their other parent, we went out trying to spot some falling stars from Phaetons passing. We managed to see quite a few stars, some planes flying but nothing falling. After getting really cold we found a pub with special winter beer for him and hot chocolate for me. He was saying how much he had enjoyed playing soccer on the playground with the kids this afternoon. And how he would be 49 by the time this baby would be 10 years old.

?!!!!?

He's 38 now, so it was more than just slapping 10 years on top (his oldest is 10), he even calculated some months for pregnancy... I couldn't believe my ears.
I know his brain works different from mine, I know that we don't always have the same feelings at the same time and that he doesn't find it easy (or necessary) to talk about those things. But. Sometimes it is the little things that make a difference. That makes me feel he cares. you hear that, little cells? little bits making the difference? that your father will love you? will play soccer with you? yes, girls can play soccer too!

I can feel some tension down below. Most likely just that, tension. Tomorrow we'll know if it is also progesterone doing its job. No buying of xmas pee sticks before then...

a few hours

O wow. This morning (CD8) was the first scan for the attempt at cycle monitoring. Lining ok at 10mm, left a follicle 18mm and right a follicle 18mm. WHAT? TWO?! but but but in July you were telling me I wasn't ovulating anymore? And that I was running out of eggs?
Between 15h -16h I have to call for the result of the blood test, on the form it said to test for LH and Oestradiol.
I guess that creates an option for bad news, as does the Progesteron test for next week. But hey, for the next few hours I'm going to walk around with a smile on my face. For a few hours thinking of those two cells, giving me twice the chance for a dream, so that is easily 2% rather than 1% of enjoying christmas or surviving December the easy way.
pf, do I sound like an addict? Am I high on hope?
At least for a few hours...

Return of the cycle

Before I went to the gyn I did update my spreadsheet with dates and cycles. And was surprised that the last two were actually reasonable with 25 and 23 days. So when today seemed to be CD26 I started thinking how cool it would be to buy another HPT and have a surprise when my brother comes with his baby son this weekend. How last year I had a surprise when I talked to this same gyn. How I should use that gift coupon for the drugstore rather than real money. Because then it doesn't count if it doesn't work on CD 26. and keep the other stick for CD 30. How I should take better care of myself and turn on the heating system when I'm home instead of freezing myself as punishment for not having a job or going out and do fun stuff I can't do when I have a job again.
So I did turn on the heat. And turned on the computer. And found out today is actually CD1.
Called the hospital for my monitoring appointment on CD7, which will be on CD8.
DP comes home:

but that is good news, isn't it?

yes, apart from not being pregnant it is good news that I have something that resembles a cycle.

After reading some of Nuts in May - on dealing with feelings and the reason behind my spring trip to Egypt I now know, well, a good metaphor of where those feelings go.
And since the 'changing of the moon' doesn't come with any physical pain for me it seems a lot easier to box up any emotional pain...

Back to tea and chocolate now.

Sint Nikolaas

Tonight is Sinterklaas evening in the Netherlands.
It is slightly different from the Santa Claus story, focused on children, but gifts are an important part of it too. It starts with Sint arriving in Amsterdam on November 15 with a big parade. Sint has helpers called Zwarte Piet (black Peter) At night he rides on a white horse over our roofs to throw gifts down chimneys. Children can put their shoe, maybe with a carrot for the horse.
On December fifth a big bag full of gifts can be left on your doorstep (and kids that have not behaved well this year could be taken away to Spain, where Sint lives the rest of the year).
In our family we buy a gift for everyone and make a little poem, mockingly commenting on the last year and hinting at the content of the gift.

We eat special candy, like pepernoten and marzipan and drink spiced wine.
The official date is the 5th, but last week we got together with all my cousins and had another Sinterklaas evening.
It was good to be together with family and have some fun.

Past or Future

Grief. They say it's a process. A process with well documented stages like anger and denial. My counsellor BambiEyes even said one time that I'm a textbook example.
DP told me how his parents don't understand. They figure that you have some intense sadness, cry, adjust and move on. If we were to bring up how hard I find all this they would most probably be surprised 'But you know this for more than a year?!'
Of course I don't really bring it up with his parents. I'm just worried that more of that rubbed of on DP than I can handle. I'm afraid he is just being patient with me, the poor girl who doesn't understand that life is different now. Or not different, depending on your point of view.
Every time I read something from loribeth I realise that grief is not something of the past but will be my future too. And I'm soooo not looking forward to that future!

mhm, maybe I should clarify that I have not decided to live childless/free. I'm (still?) eager to turn the world upside down to get pregnant. Only DP seems to be so accepting of what he thinks is the unavoidable....

Clear and stretchy

I love to play with fire. I love to give a candle a second chance. So I fuddle around with matchsticks, metal wire and extra taper (wick?). This candle used to look like icecream and doesn't like burning very much. Part of the wax doesn't really melt, but turns into a clear and stretchy goo. Weird.

Before the start of our IF journey I wouldn't even have known that sometimes clear and stretchy is a good thing. Now I can't help but notice that in this universe not everything is in the right place at the right time.

Que sera, sera

That was his answer when I asked if he wasn't afraid of what our future will be. Argh! I can see the logic of it, but I can't accept it!
Yes, it is different for men. Especially if they already have children. I just can't see myself trying a couple more cycles, monitored or not, and then settle for childless stepmom, staying home with their father. I don't want to! I don't want to pretend to be part of his family. Everyone has children. His brother. and his parents obviously. I don't feel so much at home with my immediate family (my parents have children too, gah!) and even my own brother became a father in April this year. In 12 days he will fly with his wife and son over to this little country and visit. I'm supposed to come to my parents house and join the family. It scares me so. What if I don't like his baby? What if I love him instantly? What if his millionaire wife will not let me touch him? What if I can't stop crying?

Today 1 year ago I miscarried after 49 days. The only tangible thing left is the HPT with the faint second line on my bedside table. That line is probaly bigger than the little bean ever was...
Can't we turn the clock back? Can't I have another chance?

let him sleep on it

the next day...
I had dinner with a friend in the city next door, so my DP had the evening and the house (including sound system) to himself. Upon my return in the city he even picked me up from the train. Maybe that was what he needed, some time to himself.
When I brought up the monitoring plan I managed to get past the 'if you want to' shrugging stage and clarified that me willing to go for it was one thing but that it takes two to tango. 'OK, he's willing to go fo it too. When do we start?' CD7.
Clarity and patience, and a pothole avoided.

mhm mhm

Last night DP was home from work at a normal, early hour. The Pancake Dinner was prepared and ready to go. After our usual "No, I want my cheese pancake baked both sides / single side" I thought we could sit down and discuss the cycle monitoring plan the gyn had offered me. But somehow he was already off to prepare coffee and tea while I was still halfway my food. When I was halfway my tea he started the newspaper. There is NO point in trying to talk to him while the newspaper is in sight. His boys called and had good grades, his side of the conversation sounded really happy. He's such a proud father...
Then aircrash investigation came on TV. I did ask if we could not switch that off (I'm totally allergic to that slow pace and endless repetition). Maybe I should have been more specific and asked if we could switch and talk?
Then came on his new CD. and when he listens to music he does not multitask...
I must have fallen asleep on the sofa because suddenly the evening is over and we're off to bed. I quickly explained what the gyn had told me, mhm mhm he says and snores off... Mhm mhm probably means he understands.
I guess I was hoping for some commitment. Or at least an opinion.
Why doesn't he want to talk? Why is this so hard? It makes me feel so alone.

cycle monitoring

Stormy weather in Amsterdam, almost blown of my bicycle on my way to the hospital. Had a long conversation with my gynaecologist. She had just visited a medical convention on poor responders and high FSH and said there was nothing new since my last IVF, nothing that works, no miracle off the shelf.. (Who was I kidding when I asked that?) When I indicated that my relationship is under severe stress and I really wanted to do something (well, other than doing it every day) she offered to do some cycle monitoring. With my cycle being out of whack this year it might just help to see if and when a follicle decides to do something. She said I might even have as much as 10% of a chance! yep, there's hope again. Maybe this sliver of hope can keep my anger and grief at bay and help me face the holidays. I'll tell you about the Dutch version of Santa later, but it's on December 5th and focused on children...
But for now I have a plan (ultrasound on CD7, whenever that may be)
oh, and should not forget to explain / discuss with DearPartner.

Word cloud

high FSH, early menopause, grief, donor eggs?, relationship, partner has children, I don't.
That makes me a childless stepmom. How can I possibly be childless and mom? even if only every other weekend...
I feel much more at home in the IF blog community. The hope that one day we will have a child. Even if the doctor says it's highly unlikely. Even if the doctor says there is nothing more he can do.
Tomorrow I'll go back to the hospital for a check. This time I'm not supposed to go to the Fertility desk but to the one right next to it. Gynaecology. I'll ask for a referral to a high FSH specialist for a second opinion. I don't even know if we have one in this country!