Complex step/donor family fears

 Sooooo, January has gone.. but where?
After my last post I had 2 more in-between-jobs days that I spent with HB who was at home with the flu. Talking and feeling at ease. After that I stayed home.Feeling miserable and more depressed every day:
The total misery of not having made up my mind about wanting to go the donor egg route and create a part time step with donor family caught up with me. It felt like a load too heavy to carry, with a new audio signal for the time-bomb that it is.
Tick...
DE is a long process, it can fail in so many different ways
Tick...
with screening, I might be deemed to "not be ready with grieving my IF"
Tick...
Maybe I should just start and see how far I get?
Tick...
Don't be ridiculous, this is not some kind of game!
Tick...
would friend of friend -FoF who offered her eggs last year even remember her offer?
Tick...
if a dutch friend does not work would I really go and "buy" a South African or Russian egg?
Tick...
but if I don't, I feel I can't stay and live my current life. I'm not staying home with DP to see his kids grow up and see life pass me by. I think I would hate myself for not trying harder, would regret it for ever.


When HB listens to me he tells me I have my mind made up already, that I want a baby above all else. That it is just the other pieces of the puzzle that scare me. That I'm so scared of maybe not wanting DP to still be the father and the collateral damage that possibility may cause that I can't think straight.
I find it extremely hard to put into words what my problem is with the complex family option. One part is that the step-kids have their mother that they live with 12 out of 14 days. She is the REAL mother. And I'm not. A DE baby would have two big half-brothers (7&11 now). And again, I wouldn't be the REAL mother. What if the baby/toddler/kid or the boys want to stay together 14/14??? I feel ridiculous typing this but it is a thought/fear that hurts me deeply.
I'd be denying my baby the genetic connection that I cannot offer...
In the "easy" DE case, say if the FoF scenario would work out, there would be two small half sisters as well (4&6 now), living in my city. This way DE baby could get a glimpse of the other genetic material that runs around. It would be a miraculous sight, gratitude and pain and wonder, all because of DE/IVF.

Someone wrote that DE is considered 'cheating', or the easy way out. AS IF!!!! if only......

If I were to "purchase" an anonymous egg abroad, I would create a strange situation for my DE baby. For now I intend to raise my DE baby/family in my home country. A country that has decided that it is in the best interest of the child to find out who their donor is, in the donor registry at least. So theoretically every other child knows where their DNA comes from, or has the option to find out. The fact that the Russian clinic has half of its website in Dutch tells me this is not entirely true, but it also points out that "lots of its clients are very private" about the fact DE was involved. No wonder, if it would be illegal to do if at home, but it would be hard to track these kids down.


Oh, and on the 14th of Jan my mobile rang, if I would please come back to work some more? starting immediately please? I was too depressed to say no. Different department this time, lot less hassle, more work to actually do. (and I negotiated a tiny rate increase too) Bicycling with DP again, coffee breaks with HB. A reason to get up in the morning and to be tired at night.
So work is again my 'occupational therapy' and with my laptop still broken I find it hard to blog. Still reading though.