Bye BambiEyes

Last Friday was already my last meeting with BambiEyes. She is cutting back her hours because she was feeling out of breath.
I wasn't sure what our agenda should be for our last meeting, but I felt that a bit of a recap was in order.

Thinking back over two and a half years she concluded that the initial crisis is over, that I started to grieve now. I may not have shared much about the debt of the crisis, or of the specifics. -Remember that the infertility and crisis came first, then came BambiEyes, and only then the beginning of this blog- But with me being a flighter my urge to flee was strong. Away from DP, when he didn't seem to share my dream anymore, when he couldn't fix our broken future. It may have been two years that every day I felt I would leave tomorrow. 2011 was different. More sad maybe, but less angry, less destructive. Now, 2012 I've started this new life. Full time job, yoga, orchestra. It feels all new and shiny and fake. Why fake? BambiEyes asked. Well, because I still lost my little knut, couldn't light a candle in front of family or tell DP about that. Still not sure how to connect that loss to our future. So we talked about that too.
When I got home I held on tight to DP, half crying telling him that I'm afraid he'll forget. Forget Barcelona? he asked. No, our little knutsy. Of course he wouldn't forget he said.
We didn't make plans straight away of how to make sure we remember. Maybe we'll go to the beach again on June 14th. We could also pick a date that has to do with the actual pregnancy/miscarriage, don't know yet. We could do all of them. When I told DP about my idea of lighting a candle he wasn't so sure. Not sure we (he? or I?) wanted to share with so many people...
I just googled polar bear candles, and the one i liked i could order from china, just $1. Minimum shipment 2000 though. That would keep me lighting a candle a day for the next five and a half years... cute though:

Maybe we should keep the beach for the two of us. And maybe the candle on the family table is more to acknowledge, to have a tiny spot in our family, than to share details of our story. Nobody in real life needs to know knut's name (why does it make me cry to type this?) that can stay just for us....

Contradictionary

Every year at the big post-christmas family dinner we light a candle for my deceased cousin and aunt. A solemn moment with 20 people at the table. This year I was planning to light a small candle for my unborn child. Publicly. But as the dinner approached and one of the aunts lost her mother my resolve faded. An extra candle for the (grand)mother was lit and I kept my mouth shut. Felt that that loss was a real loss, complete with grieving grandchildren.
And my miscarriage was more of a virtual loss.

Then a few days of København, just DP and me. Lovely and cold

New Years Eve with my friend An and her little family with little electric heaters. Lovely and warm.

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my cousins death. We will remember by making a sort of memorial walk through one of his favourite nature reserves (close to his grave). I'm going, but DP has the boys this week. His oldest asked if they would go, but before DP could say anything the youngest said "it is not our family" (the twinkle doesn't stretch that far just yet)
Oh apparently he asked DP if we would have any children. DP said nothing much about it and he remarked something along the lines of that he would be 'too old' to play with a baby-sibling anyway.

O well, I wanted to write about how confusing and contradictory my feelings were during the mandatory christmas circus. And how I sometimes can't find words. thats where the title came from. But no time for that, must go to bed now, sorry.
Back soon I hope. (or I'll cheat and update this)
sleep tight