BambiEyes was dressed all in black, so I worried she had another funeral coming up.
I couldn't have been more wrong (thank goodness)
She told me in the last ten minutes that she is three months pregnant now. She realised it is quite early to tell, but she didn't want the risk of her showing and me not trusting her anymore because she didn't tell me. And it seems she expects I need time to adjust, time to process.
The funny thing is I'm simply happy for her. She got married this summer, she's around 28, she's happy and lucky.
At some point she will work less than now, next time we will talk about when. I might need to go to another city (again). When she said that, I was relieved she wasn't thinking of dropping me as a patient (again). I think that as long as I feel she takes care of me it works for me.
Of course I might feel different by the time she is hugging her skippy ball, but for now, well, I'm just not sad.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
CD1
I s'pose that is what that thing on my chin was trying to tell me all along, I just didn't get the message.. It's making me feel a bit melancholic, that my body is still trying while there really is no point. Almost like going to the office every day because you don't want to admit you lost your job.
Then again, trying to view this from the positive side: it might just mean my body is still capable of creating a lining. Sending an invite for my de-journey.
Job interview was fine, on to the second round. Other round two is planned for Tuesday.
While shopping for a basic T-shirt to go with the things I bought with my mother the day before I heard two ladies speaking Spanish behind the counter. It was very quiet in the shop. And out of the blue I asked them if they thought I would be able to find someone in Spain/Barcelona who would look like me. They were happy to tell me I looked like I could be Spanish (skin tone, hair) and immediately asked if I spoke any Spanish.
Made me feel happy, to be reassured here and now...
Then again, trying to view this from the positive side: it might just mean my body is still capable of creating a lining. Sending an invite for my de-journey.
Job interview was fine, on to the second round. Other round two is planned for Tuesday.
While shopping for a basic T-shirt to go with the things I bought with my mother the day before I heard two ladies speaking Spanish behind the counter. It was very quiet in the shop. And out of the blue I asked them if they thought I would be able to find someone in Spain/Barcelona who would look like me. They were happy to tell me I looked like I could be Spanish (skin tone, hair) and immediately asked if I spoke any Spanish.
Made me feel happy, to be reassured here and now...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
odd
Was doing my homework for round two.
-interactive tv has many shapes and forms. When tv enters your house through your internet connection, then a settop box and then onto your screen it is possible to mix with internet features. Like a list of programs on your screen. And then you can use your remote to select a program, get more info about it or just watch it. You could press pause, forward, backward or record.
Combines nicely with internet 'missed program' options and renting a movie. According to Wiki in the US this is like Hulu and Hulu+
Future options could be that you can buy something when it is advertised.
Hot topic apparently, as a weekly magazine just ran an article about it.
- contacted a former colleague who worked for the company I'm talking with. He came over for dinner, told us he now has the job of our former boss and offered me a job in his team, quite different from the work I did before in that team.
I think this is called networking? I find it confusing. (Although I'm happy with the tips he gave to improve our tiramisu, like 'make it the day before' and 'don't forget the Amaretto'....)
Sleeping on it did nothing to make up my mind though.
Then I let it all sit for two weeks, including this first half post, but sitting at home with neverending November fog was getting me down. So I tried to get some progress on the DE-front.
On BambiEyes advice I asked DP 'open' questions like 'What do you need to know before we can go to Spain?' And then accept that answer and find the information the next day.
We need our medical information obviously, but I have to find out how to get that information through our system, and I think my GP can request it from the hospital and the clinic and then give it to me.
Of course my GP practice is closed this week.
So I sent my CV to my former colleague and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon.
Went for a run, did some yoga and pilates exercises. Checked my phone when I got back.
And of course the manager from that other company left a voicemail to ask if I can come for round two. Tomorrow.
Of course.
I know I should count myself lucky that companies even want to talk to me in these times with scary economic news.
But I feel scared, almost if I'm cheating. I guess part of being scared is the fear of rejection. Have to remind myself that it is not the same as getting my hopes up for a possible treatment. Work is only going to be good for me if it gets my brain into gear. Not if it is boring and making me miserable for little money. Is it bad I want to distract myself from this next mc anniversary? I don't want to remember the date, I just remember it was a Monday somewhere the end of November. And today is not a Monday so no being sad.
Ahhh, I better return that phonecall. And as a treat I'm going shopping with my mother. In an hour so I better get going!
-interactive tv has many shapes and forms. When tv enters your house through your internet connection, then a settop box and then onto your screen it is possible to mix with internet features. Like a list of programs on your screen. And then you can use your remote to select a program, get more info about it or just watch it. You could press pause, forward, backward or record.
Combines nicely with internet 'missed program' options and renting a movie. According to Wiki in the US this is like Hulu and Hulu+
Future options could be that you can buy something when it is advertised.
Hot topic apparently, as a weekly magazine just ran an article about it.
- contacted a former colleague who worked for the company I'm talking with. He came over for dinner, told us he now has the job of our former boss and offered me a job in his team, quite different from the work I did before in that team.
I think this is called networking? I find it confusing. (Although I'm happy with the tips he gave to improve our tiramisu, like 'make it the day before' and 'don't forget the Amaretto'....)
Sleeping on it did nothing to make up my mind though.
Then I let it all sit for two weeks, including this first half post, but sitting at home with neverending November fog was getting me down. So I tried to get some progress on the DE-front.
On BambiEyes advice I asked DP 'open' questions like 'What do you need to know before we can go to Spain?' And then accept that answer and find the information the next day.
We need our medical information obviously, but I have to find out how to get that information through our system, and I think my GP can request it from the hospital and the clinic and then give it to me.
Of course my GP practice is closed this week.
So I sent my CV to my former colleague and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon.
Went for a run, did some yoga and pilates exercises. Checked my phone when I got back.
And of course the manager from that other company left a voicemail to ask if I can come for round two. Tomorrow.
Of course.
I know I should count myself lucky that companies even want to talk to me in these times with scary economic news.
But I feel scared, almost if I'm cheating. I guess part of being scared is the fear of rejection. Have to remind myself that it is not the same as getting my hopes up for a possible treatment. Work is only going to be good for me if it gets my brain into gear. Not if it is boring and making me miserable for little money. Is it bad I want to distract myself from this next mc anniversary? I don't want to remember the date, I just remember it was a Monday somewhere the end of November. And today is not a Monday so no being sad.
Ahhh, I better return that phonecall. And as a treat I'm going shopping with my mother. In an hour so I better get going!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
round one
It was a funny interview. Gezellig I would say in Dutch, pleasant. Hardly about work, more kind of general. What kind of person I am. How I communicate. If the holes in my CV were a mistake.
It is a permanent position though, not a contracting role like I've been used to for the last 10 years. Not sure how much restraints that will cause. When the time is right I want (need) to be able to go to a clinic in whichever country I decide to go to. But that doesn't seem the kind of question to ask in a first round.... And also not the best reason to not want a job at all.
Second interview will be about work, with the department manager.
Maybe then, if they still want me I can suggest a 32 hour contract. Gives me room for BambiEyes and maybe if I do work a whole (or half) day extra I can save those hours for more days off when I need them.
But before then I need to find out what on earth interactive television is.
It is a permanent position though, not a contracting role like I've been used to for the last 10 years. Not sure how much restraints that will cause. When the time is right I want (need) to be able to go to a clinic in whichever country I decide to go to. But that doesn't seem the kind of question to ask in a first round.... And also not the best reason to not want a job at all.
Second interview will be about work, with the department manager.
Maybe then, if they still want me I can suggest a 32 hour contract. Gives me room for BambiEyes and maybe if I do work a whole (or half) day extra I can save those hours for more days off when I need them.
But before then I need to find out what on earth interactive television is.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Little things
I was away for a few days.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.
Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.
BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.
The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.
When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.
A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites
Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.
Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.
BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.
The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.
When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.
A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites
Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.
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