There really wasn't much difference between the two little ones this morning. One slightly smaller than the other one, measuring  8w2d and 8w3d. (while I think the fertilisation was 8w1d ago, a Tuesday then, a Wednesday today) Except the little one had very little fluid around it. And no heartbeat. No circulation.
I thought I would only have a quick consult to get my thyroid medication sorted. But the new lady doctor had done her homework with the information she had and was asking me many questions to get my file complete. And after half hour she asked if she could do a scan. DP was home with the boys but I didn't really think about it too much and said yes, eager for an extra chance to see my little ones.

Part of me feels like this was bound to happen, that my dream couldn't have lasted in the real world. My secret dream of twins. How do you say in English? in my heart of hearts?
And then, suddenly I was afraid to tell DP. Afraid he would be relieved. But of course he was just as shocked as I was.
There was no reason for this to go wrong, no other than 'this happens sometimes'.

I don't know how to not be afraid
for the other one.  I'm so sad, so scared. Curling up in a ball under the blankets doesn't help, tea and chocolate seem less comfort than they used to. Only crying feels right..
Such strange conversations in my head. Because the littlest one is still there. Still with me. Will likely become one with me. Oh little one, how come you've grown so much but your heart isn't beating? will you keep growing a little more? will you stay like this a while? Slowly fade into your surroundings? Will I see something on the next scan? Did you not know how much I care for you?

Rationally I would expect myself to have mixed feelings, but today I'm so sad it hurts my stomach... Rationally I know the bigger little one is doing OK. Rationally I'll keep following my medication schedule. Rationally I know I will be OK.

I didn't even know I could miss a second little one this much....