We've been cycling for a week now. The monotony is soothing. Only crying on the inside now. On the outside I'm a bit of a grumpy person I suppose, but people leave me alone and I need that.
I've tried to talk to DP a bit. But, as always, people react in different ways. I think he needs to focus on his boys now. While I wish he would hold me more without me having to ask he is moving on, afraid to get stuck in the moment. At least, that is how it feels to me now.
I'm a bit scared. I no longer have that full bladder feeling. The burst of spots on my face has cleared up. I'm not nearly as tired as before. I have no idea if the other one is still holding on. If I can loose one without much of a fuss, without reason, I might not even notice if the other follows. I've been the 1 in a 1000 woman before...
The weirdest thing about leaving on our trip right after the scan is that I haven't had to face anyone, and haven't told anyone in real life. (Well, HB picked me up from the hospital, but he is the kind of person who comforts first and waits for the story)
I'm trying to remember who knew there were two. My brother knows but I haven't told him now. It seems harder over the phone somehow and he is in London most of the time. DP told his parents about the twins but hasn't spoken with them since. (his parents weren't even surprised about twins. Wondering if they are equally cool about losing one. His father was hoping for a girl, already having 4 grandsons. I don't know, it's not that they don't care, they just handle emotions so very differently)
So, I'm wondering whether or not to tell people. If I don't people might not understand my worry. If I do I have no idea how people will react.
Then again, this is mostly a moot point. I have another week off work, and in that week will be the next scan. I'll see then if there is any story left to tell.
And after all those thoughts I keep getting back to the other little one. With our donor being anonymous it might have been such a great source of comfort to be with two. Where the most special thing about you is that you were one of twins, more than some exotic complicated technical story. Plus of course the realisation this may have been my only shot at having two kids.
O well, not sure if this counts as coping, self pity or denial. Sorry if this is not very coherent.... Just my thoughts going round and round....
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When is your next appointment sweetie? Sending you love, Fran
ReplyDeleteV - Hang in there. With all pregnancies, symptoms come and go. I'm hoping for good news at your next ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteIt's completely a matter of personal style who to tell, I think. I notice now I only told people who needed to know in order to explain my behaviour, or who were close to me. And now I feel much more reluctant to tell anyone at this distance, and I notice there's a bit of a dividing line between those who know and those who don't. After all, it's a true thing about me and I want my real friends to understand it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I am trying to say here is I think your instinct will tell you who to tell.
I am really sorry for this horrible time you are living through. It's so worrying, I know, though what Sweet Georgia says is absolutely true, symptoms are notoriously unreliable.
Sorry for going on so. Thinking of you. Look after yourself.
I sort-of regret not telling more people, if only simply because it would be so useful to say to them 'remember when...? Yes? So shut up.' You need love and support and tenderness, so tell those who are loving and supportive and tender.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping all is well.
ReplyDeleteValery, you left a lovely message on my blog but way led unto way and I am only getting here now (after having read Twangy's post this morning). I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and understand very, very well how much on edge you must be feeling about the survivor. (Reading your previous post, I also understood things in a different light - what you say about the twins having one another).
ReplyDeleteI am thinking very good thoughts for your scan today, and hoping that you receive news that puts you at ease. I could write a lot of words about the odds being on your side (they are) and all the rest, but as someone who has also spent some time on the wrong side of statistics, I know what cold comfort that is.
(The Telling is such a difficult, difficult thing. It is a tightrope that i never walked well).
PS: Valery, just realized that I posted twice - did the first one from my phone and thought that blogger ate it...
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