Room to Breathe

Before the holiday I asked my boss if we could talk about my working hours. Because my unpaid parental leave was running out by July 31th. And I want to keep spending Wednesdays with Suzy. I asked for 70%, leaving myself some room for negotiation up to 80%
He said he would ask his boss, because 'official office policy is to work full time'
but boss-boss was on holiday, so I would hear the answer later. O well.

Holiday was very relaxing.

When I returned he invited me for 'coffee'. Somehow this euphemism for meeting or talk doesn't sit well with me. Especially when he does indeed go to the company restaurant and buys coffee for himself and then offers me tea (I have my own tea maker, why would I pay for tea?)
Anyway, I sat down at his desk at a quiet moment.  Asking him for his answer. Then my boss started going on about how apparently he didn't have the legal means to deny me to work part time. So 70% was allright then. Even though he was not happy about it.
One of the reasons behind this is that there are not enough people in the team. My previous boss fired one. My current boss was supposed to hire one, but didn't do it fast enough. Not sure what happened, maybe HR decided that if it took to long he didn't really need it?
And with me cutting back my contract he seems unable to hire a part time person to make up for that as well. Lily has a 80% contract, some other people 90%, there should be enough to hire an extra person if he could talk to the right people in HR and/or control.

I think we concluded before that he is a bit of a nincompoop.

However! There is an upside!
He is now determined that I am better off in the development team, and will try to get me a job there!
Hoping I get my brain into gear before I have to prove I'm up to it.
(I think I have some time as that possible future boss is on holiday now)
  

Friendship 301

DP and HB are colleagues and friends for years. The first years I was working at a different company, and contact would just be small talk at the dinner table when DP dragged him home. Sometimes he would clue me in that they needed some time and space for 'man talk' and I would disappear after dinner. DP wouldn't say much, just 'private' and 'relationship trouble'. Then, I started working at the same company.
Shortly afterwards DP said something to me along the lines that he had given up, he felt he could no longer help HB, that something had happened to throw him into depression.

From my own experience of feeling down or slightly depressed I felt that that was the wrong time to leave someone on their own. So I reached out. Travelled to his city to make him tea. To listen. To just be there.
I think in that winter I went there every week. Would take him grocery shopping, would cook so he had at least one warm and nutricious meal. (maybe you can't fix people, you can still try to feed them.)
I nicknamed him HB for heartbroken, thinking that in time I could change that in Happy Bastard. I figured that he had some much love to give that someone would come along and adore him. I didn't believe he would stick to his 'never again' statement. But he has. And I've learned to respect that, have seen his happiness return.

I've read a couple of blogs today, writing about depression, all triggered by the death of Robin Williams and his depression.  And I guess all agree you can't really help / fix someone.

At the time DP thought I was overdoing it, with all the caring for HB. But I'm so glad I did. A strong bond was formed (Even though I probably needed HB more than he needed me) and hopefully it will last through all my forgetfulness and baby-centeredness.
I know that HB has an old friend that he calls his best friend, in their own words they are like an old married couple. (they go out drinking every weekend) But to both DP and me he is our best friend. It doesn't matter to me it is asymmetrical.
Life is too short to wait for symmetry. I just have a few friends that are special to me and for that I'm grateful.

No Post Like planned

I was going to write tonight.
about the holidays
about tests
about work
and something else on the list as well. (I keep forgetting)

But Suzy keeps crying instead of sleeping, so we keep going up and down the stairs to try to comfort her, and it's not working. And it's 10 pm.
tomorrow is another day.

(UTA: DP took her downstairs and fed her a jam sandwich. At 10 pm. She slept then, so I'll say nothing.)

Better (and MH17)

Cold is better now. Pills, such a very un-dutch solution. You can't get decongestants over the counter here. But very helpful for preventing that eyebrow headache. Thankfully I had some left over from a diving trip.

The news; another plane down, MH 17.
One litlle line grabs me by the throat: they thought there were 280 passengers, but later realised three small children were carried on lap and didn't have their own seat.
283.

Next week Suzy will fly on my lap to Oslo.
Please let us be safe.

 Added:
in the course of the day I kept running into people who knew people on the plane. Lady working in the canteen. Canadian/dutch blog lady that I read. Someone in DP's team. HB knew a family. Two degrees of separation, so not awfully close. But more people than I expected.

Someone at work tried to reassure me: going to the airport with your baby is more dangerous than flying to Oslo.
But it was more reassuring driving past Schiphol and see planes landing every 2 minutes. The world keeps turning, even though life doesn't go on for everyone on it.
I managed to stop the tears quite soon, just didn't get any work done. O well, holiday now.

Stupid cold

At first I was coughing. Nothing bad.
Then it moved to my throat, owie and yucky, but thankfully kept moving up to my nose. I'm quite good at handling a stuffy nose, it doesn't bother me much.
But THEN! this stupid cold had the audacity to move into my head. On the same day my period decided to show up. I figured I wasn't really sick, just went home to sleep for a couple of hours. But Gah gah gah that was a week ago. I've spend so many hours knock out in bed, sleeping time away. And let me tell you, I'm considering drilling a hole between my eyebrows to let the goo out, I just can't handle the pressure in my head.
Colleagues told me to try steaming (useless), use nose spray (goes straight to my throat cause my nose isn't blocked anymore) and rest. So I'm resting.
 DP is not interested in me being sick. He just asks if I'm going to work or not. I have to admit he did pick up Suzy from daycare when it was my day. And when after three days of hardly caring for me I was just getting pissed off with him, he whipped up this BBQ and entertained my friends.

Ah, that was what I wanted to tell you about; J was over from France and staying with us. Invisible guest he was. More like a ghost :-) On the Saturday we had arranged to meet up with An as well. (it took weeks to arrange everyone to be in the same country at the same time, so I wasn't going to cancel just because of a stupid cold)
DP invited her husband and son for dinner, the boys were here so we had a spontaneous BBQ for 9.

J was so pleased to have such a relaxed evening.(His home situation is rather stressful now) Sunday morning J did a family-of-three photo shoot. It's amazing to have a professional take family pics. Sadly THE photo isn't there, so no enormous print (like the size of a TV) but certainly  good enough for laptop size.

from the to-do list:
-passport for Suzy is picked up
-summer house on fjord of OSLO is rented
-hotel with parents is booked (family suite, yay)
-managed to get an appointment with endocrinology on Aug 4th
-that doctor also told me already to increase my Thyroid meds from 75 to 112,5 mcg per day
-my brother popped over for a blitz-visit. I managed to get decent little orange outfits for his boys so he could bring them home just in time for the game.
-An's husband brought their 'mountain' baby carrier yes, including the teddy ears!

My head still hurts, going back to bed now. (but it feels good to pop out the black hole and let you know how things are) This stupid cold better not ruin another weekend!

bits and pieces

In the news today: the Netherlands will get its own 2 egg cell banks.
One is actually the medical center where DP and I went to with Fof.
What is new is that now semi-anonymous donor eggs will be available: donor ID will be stored in a government database. And they are starting with an astonishing 20 donors....
In the paper it said they will provide 4 cells per treatment, expected success rate 20-30%

I am so so glad this is behind us.

Holiday tickets are booked.
Passport photo of Suzy is taken, paperwork is done. Pick up next week.
While DP was so very concerned about 5 people and privacy/space issues before, he is now not even planning anything for our 5 nights in Sweden. I have suggested we look into renting a log cabin with multiple bedrooms (Log Cabin! such a holiday thing to do it seems). Because even a big tent like ours only offers virtual/visual privacy. Plus it is plain weird to go into your tent and zip up during the day...

I got a referral from my GP for endocrinology. She even recommended a certain hospital. I even called said hospital. They will give me an appointment if I fax or email the letter of referral. Sadly I do not have a scanner or fax at home. And I forgot to take the letter to work today. [hops of to find letter and put it in office bag][back again] Where was I? Ah, um, I keep forgetting things.

I do yoga again. At the end with the relaxation exercises this teacher (black dancer guy, very expressive body) keep blathering on how we should not be upset, how we should not listen to all the sounds, let go of all thoughts etc. It would help if he would keep his mouth shut! ;-)

I miss your regular blog posts. I know you all have your very different reasons AND I probably spend too much time checking, but I would love to stay connected to all my bloggy friends...

Still tired

I had my blood tested again, and the thyroid result came back all fine and low-normal, as did the Hb.
Last time my GP said we could try to up the dose if I wanted, I said no. This time, with the same result, I asked if we could up the dose, the assistant said she would relay my request, but I got a prescription for the same dosage. And I'm still tired. I'm gaining weight slowly.
I remember being slightly underweight around Christmas (and in November I was doing 4-5 feeds a day)
around April we cut down to three, now we are on two feeds a day)
So I should be eating and snacking less, but on work days I'm not.
Did I manage to tell you I started on this project at work, in another team? I've been there for 2 weeks now. The first day or two were good-ish, chasing logins and such.
Now I have to get into the lingo and very different work and I'm just sitting there, paralysed. I can't concentrate, no focus, and I can't remember what to do. So I just sit there and eat candy.
BambiEyes encouraged me to ask my GP for a referral letter for an endocrinologist. So, another appointment with my GP coming Wednesday. I guess we know more than when I asked last time: my period seems back and that should not be possible with the sky high (well, menopausal high) LH and FSH and lack of eggs.We also got my thyroid markers back to normal, so that shouldn't be it either.
I guess there could be an(other) hormonal issue, otherwise it leaves me with 'just tired and cranky, let's blame the baby'....

The green letters say ART IS THERAPY on Rijksmuseum last night.

42

Life, Universe and Everything.

:-)

Shaky

Emboldened by your kind comments I resumed holiday talk on the Sunday night.
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.

Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.

And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die


DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.

Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me

I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.

We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
 writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.

And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!

Summer

Suddenly it is summer.
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.

Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.

I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...