Inside Out

We watched Inside Out at home the other week. I think I read in various places that it made people cry, but I was just enjoying the movie. We had DP's youngest son here and I think Suzy wanted to be with us as well, so we watched as a little family. It was nice to watch it together, even though I think we had to watch the Dutch spoken version.
We have not yet seen Frozen. But my shoulder still is frozen. I've been given diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory painkiller (NSAID). It is commonly known as being bad for your stomach, so I've got a stomach protector as well. Reading the small print reveals that NSAIDS can break your luteal phase and the other stuff is used for helping miscarriages along (when taken vaginally). Which should be of no concern for me given my postmenopausal status, but it still makes me sad. And I suspect makes my stomach much more susceptible for bugs or other misery.

Did I manage to tell you I do go to work again? 4 days a week again? In most ways it is really good to be back at work. It is also a lot busier and a lot easier to forget to make time for myself. Last week with BambiEyes she almost berated me for making things difficult in my head, for forgetting to take care of myself.
To complicate things sleep is difficult lately. Suzy wakes us up mostly once around 2 am, and some nights again around five-ish. And if she doesn't, some drunk might. Sometimes my sore shoulder makes it hard to fall back asleep.
BUT the good news is I found a fysio place that does yoga as well, with a special class for people with sore joints. I'll try it next week Tuesday, hoping it will be a good combination of exercise and relaxation for my whole body and mind.

This Christmas morning I dressed Suzy in her shiny and velvety dress.(second hand, only e6,95) My mother was so excited to have a grandchild to take to church for the play they put on that even my father joined.
Now DP put on the fire, and we will have a verrrrry quiet dinner this evening.
(yesterday HB joined us, tomorrow will be DP's complete family)
Staring into the embers I think of Knut. And how differently I miss Loki (Suzy's twin). When we play with DeeDee sometimes it breaks my heart all over again to see how alike and different they are.

Wishing you peace and calm and care and hope in these days at the end of the year my friends.

Frozen

My shoulder is not getting better. I went to see a physiotherapist who said I do not just have an inflammation, but a Frozen Shoulder second stage.
I cannot move my arm behind my back anymore. My shoulderblade does still move but the shoulder itself is mostly immobile. Some nights I'm too weary of the pain to undress completely, so I'll just sleep with my shirt on.

Today I managed to get a stomach bug as well so i spent it in bed.

DP is not a caring type when I'm ill (and I suppose I'm too stubborn to ask)
he just rips off the bedlinnen because it doesn't smell nice and leaves for work. I was not amused when I almost fainted in the shower and discovered the empty bed. O well, J helped out with the bed and dinner, my mother came over to take care of Suzy.

Maybe the combination of low grade pain and the fear of sharp pain in my shoulder (whenever I make a wrong move) is making me more grumpy than usual.
grrrrrumble!

Almost there

My start date at the Bank will be this Thursday and this morning I heard I did indeed pass the screening. In the mean time I had gotten really bored and annoyed with myself, playing not only candy crush but also its new little sister candy soda crush.
I managed to reschedule BambiEyes from Thursday to today and we could speculate a bit on my upcoming project. They only commit till the end of the year, so that will leave me very little time to prove myself. Also the Bank wants me to magically fix their dysfunctional team where people work with unspoken and undocumented agreements. O well, I should not beat myself up if I cannot do it.
And next? BambiEyes did announce she is expecting again. We went into the practical implications, I can keep seeing her till March. And I realised that for how I feel now that should be plenty. and also that her pregnancy does not affect me emotionally. I do not feel left behind or abandonded or overtaken. And that is a big BIG difference from last time!

The Heat is On

This morning when I stepped out of the shower and grabbed my towel I felt it was warm against my skin. Mmmhhhmmm, I love warm towels. The heater has switched on after a really cold night.
(and boy it was a cold day today)

(I thought to do a quick image search on hot towels. Warning: do not go near 'hot towel selfie'. it does not illustrate the hotness of the towel.)

Last week I did an intake interview for a Bank. The Bank let the agency know they wanted me the same evening, YAY. Now I have to go through this screening process, as the work involves confidential information. (It usually does) This time the agency told me to go looking for my university degree!!! I don't think I've ever needed to show it to anyone. 
Have you?

Can turn off?

Sometimes this unrelenting need to bond is getting to me. Sometimes I do not enjoy being woken up by toddler fingers prying my eyes and mouth open. This week I lost my cool when Suzy still did not stop waking me up, and resorted to hitting me over the head with the tablet (Android iPad). It got me out of bed indeed, dragging her by one arm and yelling so loud DP said not too.

People tell me that since I've been through so much before Suzy that I'm bound to spoil her. As if I somehow deserve to not be a good parent? Or as if IF has given me boundless patience and empathy? I'm not a saint, still fairly human and bound to fail and learn like the next person dealing with a toddler. Plus I still need to take care of me. (and do some more teaching of boundaries ;-)

The other week Mel asked " interesting discussion on maternal instincts and mothering and ways people can be with kids and not parent.  Go read these two posts and join in the discussion."
I did not read all posts or discussions involved. But I did read Mel's commenters, thinking that would be safe. Till I got to the second one: 

"... being a parent is something you eat, sleep, and breath every day, all day and you can’t turn off. Those without children of their own can’t possibly understand what that is like, and that is not a dig, it is just the truth.
I agree that there is a way to “mother” someone without actually being a mother…much of that is simply natural instinct and love.
But if you can give the child back at the end of a day, or weekend or whatever, and turn it all off, then you cannot call yourself a parent...."

I'm still upset.I feel so excluded by this. Why does she think that a child of their own gives her insight in what is possible? in what other people cannot understand? Why can she not turn off her being a parent? Does she not have a personal brain anymore? Is she implying that since I feel different I cannot call myself a parent? or cannot call Suzy my own? (oh dear, the only one making DNA a point here is me, I'll stop immediately)

I don't know what it says about me. As a student I lived in a student room (Amsterdam University doesn't have a campus) in the attic of a family. I did regular babysitting duties, and completely fell in love with the baby born while I lived there. (little boy loved me back just the same) I could play peek-a-boo every time I came home or left the house. I think it gave me some idea how much fun I could have with a child growing up.
Maybe somewhere in that comment is a certain bitterness, that parenting isn't just the fun part?

I feel a whole heap of posts swirling in my head. But the issues are simply too big. What is Love, and what is Parenting and How is that Different.
I guess it all comes down to "I loved Suzy before she existed. Then it did hurt so much. I love Suzy now. And now the world loves her too."

Cheek to cheek

Two and a half....

Suzy is not in a hurry to use the potty herself. She has great interest in the toilet, and sneaks in when I use it. She hands me toilet paper and wants to have a look when I sit down. Squeezes her head where nobody looks. I feel her soft cheek pressing against me. Hear her excitement. I thought that it was a short thing, that she would then try it herself. But six months later nothing changed. Not even the occasional accidental wee in a potty. O well. We tried pushing her, but that only made it worse.
So that is a non milestone then.
This summer she learned to swing by herself, jump on, jump off. She can ride a tricycle and a scooter and is talking more by the week. (Mommy, my tummy so full nice lemonade, yummy!) Uses please and thank you.
Finds her favourite youtube videos and mimics the dancing. (BTW, What is the fun of unwrapping things?!!!) But still sleeps with her bum in the air, her legs and arms tucked under. I can't see her giving up the dummy anytime soon, we're restricting it to bedtime only for now. And long car rides, which are rare.
She can find the right key on the keyring and unlock my bike and the front door.
When DP kisses me goodbye on the lips she demands a similar kiss ("in the mouth!" )
She is starting to object to some clothing, why wear jeans that touch your skin if you can have a dress instead? Why isn't underwear enough anyway? She can put on her clothes by herself, close buttons, zips or velcro. I've been told that tying shoelaces isn't a toddler thing, but Suzy wants to learn! She loves hair clips, but pulls them out after approx 7 seconds. We keep her hair short for now, out of her eyes. She is loosing the strawberry blond, her hair seems darker by the month. I try to drink in the blond as much as I can.
-Weaning. I thought we were there. The last remaining feed was the early morning feed. When trying to explain that milk was for little babies and not for toddlers Suzy simply stated  it was her milk, not for other babies. Then the web suggested avoiding the situation, so in my case that meant getting up before Suzy would come and ask for milk. Since she was irregular, but early to very early, 6 or even 5 something AM I first trained her to wait for the 6:30 alarm. ding dong. Then I made sure I would get up at 6:29 and disappear in the shower. That is two months ago now, but whenever she hears the alarm she will ask for milk. No drama, she does take no for an answer, but she is a bit clingy, clearly wants to keep her bonding moment. (or depending on your point of view, toddlers seem to like to be in complete control) BambiEyes suggested finding a replacement bonding activity, for just her and me. For now I let her 'braid' my hair. And in the mornings she can come snuggle in the big bed with us. We're only half heartedly stopping her from falling asleep in the big bed at night. I'll just carry her to her Miffy bed while she sleeps.

My moon, at the seaside

Once a year my parents invite us to spend some holiday quality time with Suzy, and they love the beach. DP found a lovely 2 bedroom seaside appartment on the web:

the beach in the background is so bright you can't even see it

After GP 2 and pharmacy it was time for packing for the long weekend at the seaside. Why is it always my job to pack for Suzy? And had to pack food, drink and snacks as the appartment was away from stores. Plenty of beach clubs and restaurants though. I was so tired both of the interview and the ongoing pneumonia that it took me much longer to pack. My parents came over to help at the last minute. (DP was working and would follow with my parents' car with the big luggage) We went with our bikes in the train and cycled the last bit to sea. Verrry lucky with the weather, the last true summer weekend.
DP /google got lost on the way (next seaside town also had a road called sea-road! duh), so dinner was late. Then the restaurant was super slow, so main course was even later. Never been so glad they could serve luke warm fries for Suzy while we waited, she could dig in immediately.
Sun was setting while we walked back, and the rising full moon was visible from our bedroom window. I was a bit worried about Suzy being over-excited with the new location, but when I put her on the window sill she said: My Moon!
Mildly flabbergasted that a toddler claims the moon, I don't think it ever occured to me to think that way.

Sunset from our loggia

Toddlers wake up early:

Sunrise from bedroom

My parents let me rest during the day, even if Suzy refused to nap. She spent hours on the beach trampolines!
Saturday morning started a bit grey:

Sunday was glorious beach weather, with natural paddling pool:

 On Monday morning we went beachcombing:

and that picture does not even include a giant (sandy, dripping) soft blue stripey beach towel because I had thrown that in the laundry straight away.
On Tuesday the rain showers started rolling in, we were lucky to get to the train in a dry spell. Went home quickly and smoothly and we all took a well deserved nap.
When Suzy woke up the first thing she asked was 'can we go see grandmother and opapa again?'   I think she enjoyed the weekend and their company immensely!

Au Retard

Friday morning after the interview I went to the (second) GP to have my lungs listened at again. Better, but not good,could still hear some 'sharpness'. She asked about the hot water facilities at the French camp site, but I had no idea. Just afraid she suspects legionella. :(  On to the pharmacy to get different antibiotics, to get the a-typical bacteria as well. And the instruction to come back quickly if I didn't improve, felt sicker or short-winded. Not very reassuring.

Another week. With afternoon naps. At the seaside, more clean air for me.
Third doctor declared my lungs clean. But still repeated that if I felt more ill I should come back.

My shoulder has been sore all summer, sharp pain when lifting it, probably bursitis. Should cure itself.
I did ask if my infected and leaking root canal could have been the cause of the pneumonia, but GP3 brushed that aside saying bacteria in the mouth only cause heart problems.  I saw my dentist this morning. He reassured me there is no immediate risk, and referred me to a root canal specialist. He had treated this root canal three times in the past years and now it s time for the big guns. Well, microscope really.
I refuse to give in to this feeling that I'm falling apart, but yea, a reminder to not take your healthy body for granted. I think in the spirit of new things I will treat my zigzaggy bottom teeth to an invisalign brace. I promise that when they are straight I will floss more often ;-)

The seaside weekend is two weeks ago now, and I'm still so tired. I made plenty of lovely pictures to show you the Dutch seaside, but somehow the blog posts remain stuck in my head.
As does my mother's voice saying it takes six weeks to recover from pneumonia.

Being myself

The Preparation.

Tuesday haircut for me and for my mother and Suzy.

The head hunter had sent all kinds of useful info and tips on how to prepare yourself for an interview. Being on time, polite etc etc. But the 'check linked in and the company website to find out more' was a good one to get out of holiday mode and in work mode. I was trying with J different ways of phrasing why I left my last job. Putting Hipster Boss down isn't exactly professional after all.

On the linked in I discovered that the one guy was a bike lover, saying about himself he loved Raw, Honest, Open and Pure. And work life balance. No university degree, but the one level below that. The other guy had two uni degrees, Chemistry and bio-something-technical-ly. They seemed to be running the company themselves. The website was saying something about only wanting the Best testers, and how they were a special kind of people.
I started to get a suspicion that either it would be nothing for me, or just my thing.

J offered to roleplay with me for the interview. That freaked me out so much that after 5 minutes I took him out to go shopping with me. We went to my favourite vintage shop. He got me three outfits that were all so good and different enough I got them all.
Also high heeled shoes and new bra.
That evening DP said that the tight dress with the leather jacket looked very good on me, but not material for formal interview. The blouse/skirt/jacket option safe. The dress with same jacket very elegant while also business-y. So I went for the last dress, sort of a chanel dress.

The Interview
I got there ridiculously early to make sure I did not get nervous in public transport. That gave me time for a walk around (I brought sensible shoes as well). I saw the bike guy arrive in a fancy car, he didn't see me.
No one at reception, so I walked to the canteen to see if I could get a cup of tea. Where the receptionist gladly gave me one.
When the two guys arrived to pick me up they offered me lunch, and were clearly getting some themselves so I accepted. This interview was already different and hadn't even started.
When we did start they tumbled over each other to tell me stories about the company and the people working there.  Bike guy said they had different people working there, people with kids, or people who where struggling to have them. They also made clear that from my CV they could tell I was a good tester, but were looking for the person behind it.
Very different interview! I decided I liked them, left all interview convention behind them and told them bits and pieces about our IF journey and Suzy. Not the DE part, but having to go to Spain. We talked for TWO hours. I did see them exchanging meaningful glances, but they kept talking. When finally the phone rang that the next candidate had arrived we made an end to the conversation, and they asked me when I could start, and if I thought I wanted to. I didn't even need to sleep on it, but first of september I'm still at the seaside, so they said 1st Oct was OK too.

Went home bouncing. Discovered that I really cannot catch a train on sexy heels. Went out for dinner to celebrate with DP and Suzy. Went to sleep. Woke up 3 am my head spinning with the intensity of the conversation we had.
Decided I will bring flowers next time I see BambiEyes, because I got a job for daring to be myself. And of course a big thank you to my readers and writers of their own blogs, for all allowing us and accepting us for who we are.

Summer Holiday with a bad cough.

Summer Holiday mostly uneventful. As in, not very stressful. The long drive to France we did in two stages, staying with friends with a gîte in the Vosges before travelling on to the Jura. Lovely to see them after four years, lovely to introduce our Suzy to them. Turned out they had an addition to their family as well, a rescue labrador, conveniently also called Suzy.
Camping was OK, the new tent so huge you could park your car inside. The weather very hot to begin with, gave me headaches.
Just my silly cough would not clear up. To the point even the teenagers started to ask me if I was OK. But too stubborn to see a French doctor. Even though walking the mountains became harder every day, and carrying Suzy in the back-carrier made me seriously short of breath.
At home two weeks later it turned out I had pneumonia. No wonder breathing was so hard!
Long live penicillin.

Then came windows 10. For a day we believed we lost my laptop. Agonising crawl doesn't describe how impossible it was to work do anything with. But plugging in an ethernet cable, DP's perseverance and another boatload of automatic updates have resurrected it to almost normal use. Lost the webcam, tried everything. Including updating the BIOS.

Then came a headhunter. Pestering me about my CV, couldn't I send an extended version, wouldn't I like this or that company... So this Thursday I already have an interview. Have to get myself out of holiday mode because it sounds promising; a club of independant consultants sharing a network. Doing the test work I want to get back into.

Also, unreasonably excited about this young Dutch girl winning a silver medal on the 100m sprint

Jamaican Shelly-Ann an absolute star, and on top of that her hair in her national colours, love those flowers. While to my eyes Dafne looks so incredibly normal. The Dutch are a silly people, normal is the best thing you can be.

J found out his treatment will take year and a half, five days a week. Starting mid september. This puts him in a bit of a difficult position, as his stay with us was meant to be temporary. He is in Pax's room, and moves to the guest room every other weekend when the boys are here. (the boys have their own bathroom, the guest room shares with us) For the summer that seemed a reasonable way to stay here, but more than a year not so much. But the being occupied 5 days per week makes it difficult to get some kind of job. I suppose we were all hoping he could fix himself this summer/year, then move on to buy own house and find job. O well, plan B will come.

Tomorrow will be my last day of taking penicillin, have to go back to have my lungs listened to.
And on the weekend we will go to the seaside with Suzy and my parents for their annual Suzy-Summer outing.