After the holiday I took up HB's offer to help with planning. At first I didn't quite grasp what to point would be of 'planning' my next email. But soon after the first two emails asking two Spanish clinics for information about their DE program, I found myself asking for first appointments available. DP had only 1 Friday available in the whole of April, but instead of allowing me to despair HB made me send emails asking for that date. Both clinics had appointments open for us, and not even at the same time. Also they seem to be walking distance apart. Flights are booked, and the nearby hotel even had special rates for patients of the clinic. Everything confirmed. My boss gave me the day off. DP blocked his calendar, HB will drive us to the airport. Three weeks from now.
I can hardly believe it.
Even if we're only going there to see if we feel we can trust them to pick our donor.
In the mean time we have a small mountain, okay, molehill of paperwork to do. Need to get copies of medical records (I have no idea how to do this, but despair about this is only scheduled for next week ;-) Need to get stupid blood tests done again, not sure if we want to do that here or in Spain.
The clinics offer to freeze sperm on your first visit, but not sure if they're willing to do that if you don't have recent blood tests.
Lots of details to worry about, especially in the middle of the night.
But yes, details.
The big plan is to visit both clinics on Friday, sleep on it, decide on Saturday and then enjoy the rest of our weekend.
I better work on remembering my new motto, something with trust and unknown.
Must try to focus more on the trust part!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
swimming through the dark
This is the scariest moment from the whole diving holiday: HB and me swimming through the wreck of a ferry with just a tiny flashlight each.
There I realised I could either spend time and energy on how scared I was, or choose to be in the moment, knowing nothing was going wrong (at that moment) and trusting my buddy. I chose trust, and was able to absorb the strange surroundings (and probably pay attention to safety better as well)
I want to remember this, this trust in the face of the unknown. I need to.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Hesitation
Apparently hesitation makes me silent....
I wrote this weeks ago:
"Had my first appointment with my interim-counsellor. Alice. She looks a bit like Alycia Lane (or Thirteen, from House): at first I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing she would bite my head off. She just looks fierce with the flowing hair and dark eye make up. And she moves when she wants something done. But when she listens she is quiet and emphatic, so that is reassuring. I'm not sure she has experience with infertility patients though.
I wrote this weeks ago:
"Had my first appointment with my interim-counsellor. Alice. She looks a bit like Alycia Lane (or Thirteen, from House): at first I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing she would bite my head off. She just looks fierce with the flowing hair and dark eye make up. And she moves when she wants something done. But when she listens she is quiet and emphatic, so that is reassuring. I'm not sure she has experience with infertility patients though.
I'm a bit in limbo right now about starting our DE-in-Spain adventure. She does want to help me look at what is stopping me, but she also wants to pay attention to the here-and-now.
That in itself was motivation enough for me to finally fire off the next email to the next clinic.
Mid March I'm going on a scuba dive trip again. Scuba and pregnancy don't mix at all, so after the trip we can start our Spain adventure. While still hesitant I'm also in a hurry: in June is the birthday that will make me 40 years old. Denying milestones is all good and fine, but I've seen people getting hit hard by this one.
Even my always happy even-keeled DP had a weird wobble. "
March has come and (almost) gone in the mean time...
With some help of HB I sent the same mail to another Spanish clinic. And basically got the same answer: the clinic picks the donor.
I don't know why it bothers me so. Maybe if we talk to them in person we'll get some more nuance, but the idea of "just fill out this form" seems too simple.
Maybe the form is really good and lets me add stars to things I find important, or indicate multiple options. For example, I was totally fine with FoF being a tiny woman while I'm tall. But I'm a bit scared of hair/eye colour, because DP is so very fair with blue eyes and I'm only medium brown, so a dark kid would stand out from us. Sigh, I want to make myself stop worrying...
Maybe, vaguely I'm looking for excuses. It's almost like I want to have been gone there already and just deal with the outcome. So tired of all this decision making.
Mhm, maybe not the most coherent of posts, sorry for that.
Oh, if commenting still isn't working easily you can send email to let me know at gmail.com: valeryvalentina
March has come and (almost) gone in the mean time...
With some help of HB I sent the same mail to another Spanish clinic. And basically got the same answer: the clinic picks the donor.
I don't know why it bothers me so. Maybe if we talk to them in person we'll get some more nuance, but the idea of "just fill out this form" seems too simple.
Maybe the form is really good and lets me add stars to things I find important, or indicate multiple options. For example, I was totally fine with FoF being a tiny woman while I'm tall. But I'm a bit scared of hair/eye colour, because DP is so very fair with blue eyes and I'm only medium brown, so a dark kid would stand out from us. Sigh, I want to make myself stop worrying...
Maybe, vaguely I'm looking for excuses. It's almost like I want to have been gone there already and just deal with the outcome. So tired of all this decision making.
Mhm, maybe not the most coherent of posts, sorry for that.
Oh, if commenting still isn't working easily you can send email to let me know at gmail.com: valeryvalentina
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Grateful Relief
Last week+weekend: Much more ice, much more skating.
Grateful for the cold lasting so long, grateful for reconnecting with BFG for the last skate day. The three of us went to a series of connected lakes on a 40 km tour:
The route was a bit zig-zag, so only sometimes the wind in our face. They would take turns pulling me against it. The feeling of flying, effortless racing with the wind in our backs, and quieter stretches with side wind. As unhappy as I was the weekend before, so excited was I about this other chance. Feeding myself chocolate to keep going the extra miles, enjoying every last bit of it. Good memories to last till next winter!
Grateful for the cold lasting so long, grateful for reconnecting with BFG for the last skate day. The three of us went to a series of connected lakes on a 40 km tour:
The route was a bit zig-zag, so only sometimes the wind in our face. They would take turns pulling me against it. The feeling of flying, effortless racing with the wind in our backs, and quieter stretches with side wind. As unhappy as I was the weekend before, so excited was I about this other chance. Feeding myself chocolate to keep going the extra miles, enjoying every last bit of it. Good memories to last till next winter!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Winter Wonderings
Some pretty pictures. I love skating on natural ice. It's only a handful of days, and some years we are not so lucky.
The thing I found very difficult this time was that is was kid-weekend, and DP was very risk averse because of that. AND we needed to go back early because they hadn't finished their homework. My evil step-mother voice will not shut up: because of the kids we went back early. Because of them DP and I missed out on more and more beautiful skating. I feel bad for thinking that but I don't know how to stop it. Alternate realities ranging from 'with baby' to 'without anyone' don't really help me. Trying to be proud of the kids for skating quite well. (Maybe the next year with skate-able ice they are already stronger skaters than me. I have no illusions that there might be a time we will all have the same capabilities)It can't help it, but not fleeing, it hurts. Please let it be worth it.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Bye BambiEyes
Last Friday was already my last meeting with BambiEyes. She is cutting back her hours because she was feeling out of breath.
I wasn't sure what our agenda should be for our last meeting, but I felt that a bit of a recap was in order.
I wasn't sure what our agenda should be for our last meeting, but I felt that a bit of a recap was in order.
Thinking back over two and a half years she concluded that the initial crisis is over, that I started to grieve now. I may not have shared much about the debt of the crisis, or of the specifics. -Remember that the infertility and crisis came first, then came BambiEyes, and only then the beginning of this blog- But with me being a flighter my urge to flee was strong. Away from DP, when he didn't seem to share my dream anymore, when he couldn't fix our broken future. It may have been two years that every day I felt I would leave tomorrow. 2011 was different. More sad maybe, but less angry, less destructive. Now, 2012 I've started this new life. Full time job, yoga, orchestra. It feels all new and shiny and fake. Why fake? BambiEyes asked. Well, because I still lost my little knut, couldn't light a candle in front of family or tell DP about that. Still not sure how to connect that loss to our future. So we talked about that too.
When I got home I held on tight to DP, half crying telling him that I'm afraid he'll forget. Forget Barcelona? he asked. No, our little knutsy. Of course he wouldn't forget he said.
We didn't make plans straight away of how to make sure we remember. Maybe we'll go to the beach again on June 14th. We could also pick a date that has to do with the actual pregnancy/miscarriage, don't know yet. We could do all of them. When I told DP about my idea of lighting a candle he wasn't so sure. Not sure we (he? or I?) wanted to share with so many people...
I just googled polar bear candles, and the one i liked i could order from china, just $1. Minimum shipment 2000 though. That would keep me lighting a candle a day for the next five and a half years... cute though:
When I got home I held on tight to DP, half crying telling him that I'm afraid he'll forget. Forget Barcelona? he asked. No, our little knutsy. Of course he wouldn't forget he said.
We didn't make plans straight away of how to make sure we remember. Maybe we'll go to the beach again on June 14th. We could also pick a date that has to do with the actual pregnancy/miscarriage, don't know yet. We could do all of them. When I told DP about my idea of lighting a candle he wasn't so sure. Not sure we (he? or I?) wanted to share with so many people...
I just googled polar bear candles, and the one i liked i could order from china, just $1. Minimum shipment 2000 though. That would keep me lighting a candle a day for the next five and a half years... cute though:
Maybe we should keep the beach for the two of us. And maybe the candle on the family table is more to acknowledge, to have a tiny spot in our family, than to share details of our story. Nobody in real life needs to know knut's name (why does it make me cry to type this?) that can stay just for us....
Friday, January 6, 2012
Contradictionary
Every year at the big post-christmas family dinner we light a candle for my deceased cousin and aunt. A solemn moment with 20 people at the table. This year I was planning to light a small candle for my unborn child. Publicly. But as the dinner approached and one of the aunts lost her mother my resolve faded. An extra candle for the (grand)mother was lit and I kept my mouth shut. Felt that that loss was a real loss, complete with grieving grandchildren.
And my miscarriage was more of a virtual loss.
Then a few days of København, just DP and me. Lovely and cold
New Years Eve with my friend An and her little family with little electric heaters. Lovely and warm.
Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my cousins death. We will remember by making a sort of memorial walk through one of his favourite nature reserves (close to his grave). I'm going, but DP has the boys this week. His oldest asked if they would go, but before DP could say anything the youngest said "it is not our family" (the twinkle doesn't stretch that far just yet)
Oh apparently he asked DP if we would have any children. DP said nothing much about it and he remarked something along the lines of that he would be 'too old' to play with a baby-sibling anyway.
O well, I wanted to write about how confusing and contradictory my feelings were during the mandatory christmas circus. And how I sometimes can't find words. thats where the title came from. But no time for that, must go to bed now, sorry.
Back soon I hope. (or I'll cheat and update this)
sleep tight
And my miscarriage was more of a virtual loss.
Then a few days of København, just DP and me. Lovely and cold
New Years Eve with my friend An and her little family with little electric heaters. Lovely and warm.
Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my cousins death. We will remember by making a sort of memorial walk through one of his favourite nature reserves (close to his grave). I'm going, but DP has the boys this week. His oldest asked if they would go, but before DP could say anything the youngest said "it is not our family" (the twinkle doesn't stretch that far just yet)
Oh apparently he asked DP if we would have any children. DP said nothing much about it and he remarked something along the lines of that he would be 'too old' to play with a baby-sibling anyway.
O well, I wanted to write about how confusing and contradictory my feelings were during the mandatory christmas circus. And how I sometimes can't find words. thats where the title came from. But no time for that, must go to bed now, sorry.
Back soon I hope. (or I'll cheat and update this)
sleep tight
Monday, December 26, 2011
Twinkle
'T is christmas, and the heater broke down. But with all the visiting and cooking and the mild weather it is not a problem yet.
I've lit some small candles for my and your lost babies, medium for my cousin, large for lost parents and the tallest for grandparents.
Yesterday was a family dinner with DP's boys, at his brothers place with a 4 year old and a 2 month baby. In the first years with DP's boys, the little one would get upset if someone mistook me for his mother and would always correct accusingly "that is not my mother!". But yesterday something different happened. The 4 year old was pointing everyone out at the dinner table: "Uncle DP, cousin, papa, himself, mama, cousin, aunt Valery". Then DP's youngest decided his little cousin should understand that DP was a father too, not just an uncle. And went round the table, pointing out the adults saying "papa, papa, mama, mama". And nobody corrected him. DP noticed it as well. It may have been simplified for a 4 year old, it may have slipped out, I don't know. All I know is that it's been six years (and two weeks) since I first met DP's boys. And this christmas had a little new twinkle for me.
Loads of cooking together and an excellent recipe for moist chocolate cake helped to survive as well.
I've lit some small candles for my and your lost babies, medium for my cousin, large for lost parents and the tallest for grandparents.
Yesterday was a family dinner with DP's boys, at his brothers place with a 4 year old and a 2 month baby. In the first years with DP's boys, the little one would get upset if someone mistook me for his mother and would always correct accusingly "that is not my mother!". But yesterday something different happened. The 4 year old was pointing everyone out at the dinner table: "Uncle DP, cousin, papa, himself, mama, cousin, aunt Valery". Then DP's youngest decided his little cousin should understand that DP was a father too, not just an uncle. And went round the table, pointing out the adults saying "papa, papa, mama, mama". And nobody corrected him. DP noticed it as well. It may have been simplified for a 4 year old, it may have slipped out, I don't know. All I know is that it's been six years (and two weeks) since I first met DP's boys. And this christmas had a little new twinkle for me.Loads of cooking together and an excellent recipe for moist chocolate cake helped to survive as well.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
One work week
Work-wise it was an easy week, my first week back at work. But somehow DP and HB had gotten into a fight. It started as something work-related and snowballed into them not talking to each other at all. It was very scary. At first I tried to ignore it, but after three days they both started asking my advice. It felt like a balancing act, the listening and explaining the other side, going back and forth between them. Making sure I was there to listen, but not becoming part of the problem (or the solution for that matter) A couple days later they were ready to talk and work it out over dinner in town. They celebrated their friendship with some more wine and came home mildly intoxicated. Pfffew.
My parents were not so lucky with my brother. He basically told them that contact with his wife and children will always be problematic. My mother doesn't understand and is in tears when she talks about it. My parents were always looking forward to becoming grandparents, but this wasn't what they expected. I spoke to my brother briefly and said I didn't want to (or could) be their mediator. Don't understand what the problem is, and am sure that if my brother knew a solution he would work it out. A part of me thinks I don't care enough- I used to be the peace keeper/maker.
I find it hard to explain that I miss my own children more than my brother's. And therefore it hurts a little that my parents don't (seem to). BambiEyes said I could give it a try, that my parents might just relate, that it is a good analogy.
I want to say more but can't focus enough to put it into actual words, so I'll post before this week turns into a month.
My parents were not so lucky with my brother. He basically told them that contact with his wife and children will always be problematic. My mother doesn't understand and is in tears when she talks about it. My parents were always looking forward to becoming grandparents, but this wasn't what they expected. I spoke to my brother briefly and said I didn't want to (or could) be their mediator. Don't understand what the problem is, and am sure that if my brother knew a solution he would work it out. A part of me thinks I don't care enough- I used to be the peace keeper/maker.
I find it hard to explain that I miss my own children more than my brother's. And therefore it hurts a little that my parents don't (seem to). BambiEyes said I could give it a try, that my parents might just relate, that it is a good analogy.
I want to say more but can't focus enough to put it into actual words, so I'll post before this week turns into a month.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Great Big things
Monday I start at my new job (at the previous company, where DP and HB still work). Bit scary, going permanent after 12 years of contracting freedom, but looking forward to do something again. Even if it is not my dream job, it is a real job.
Yesterday I went to a rehearsal from a brass band (the kind with clarinets and flutes and very big saxophones) The one that my aunt told me were looking for a bassoon. I'm welcome to relearn how to play with them. Such a positive and friendly atmosphere that I went home happy, got my bassoon from the attic and dusted it off. Today I even managed to play some notes and a simple christmas carol. Last time I tried to play was 2006, last time I played well was 1997
Thursday an architect will drop by and have a look at our current house (So I can show him why I love it so). Saturday my parents, DP and I will inspect a canal house that this architect will convert from office to living space. It might be a fantastic opportunity to create our dream house.
While I had a dream that next year we will celebrate Sinterklaas with all my cousins who were fighting over who could hold my newborn twins, it is the first time I felt at peace with the idea of DP and me buying a house for a future for the two of us.
Yesterday I went to a rehearsal from a brass band (the kind with clarinets and flutes and very big saxophones) The one that my aunt told me were looking for a bassoon. I'm welcome to relearn how to play with them. Such a positive and friendly atmosphere that I went home happy, got my bassoon from the attic and dusted it off. Today I even managed to play some notes and a simple christmas carol. Last time I tried to play was 2006, last time I played well was 1997
Thursday an architect will drop by and have a look at our current house (So I can show him why I love it so). Saturday my parents, DP and I will inspect a canal house that this architect will convert from office to living space. It might be a fantastic opportunity to create our dream house.
While I had a dream that next year we will celebrate Sinterklaas with all my cousins who were fighting over who could hold my newborn twins, it is the first time I felt at peace with the idea of DP and me buying a house for a future for the two of us.
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