Sunday, January 15, 2012

Bye BambiEyes

Last Friday was already my last meeting with BambiEyes. She is cutting back her hours because she was feeling out of breath.
I wasn't sure what our agenda should be for our last meeting, but I felt that a bit of a recap was in order.
Thinking back over two and a half years she concluded that the initial crisis is over, that I started to grieve now. I may not have shared much about the debt of the crisis, or of the specifics. -Remember that the infertility and crisis came first, then came BambiEyes, and only then the beginning of this blog- But with me being a flighter my urge to flee was strong. Away from DP, when he didn't seem to share my dream anymore, when he couldn't fix our broken future. It may have been two years that every day I felt I would leave tomorrow. 2011 was different. More sad maybe, but less angry, less destructive. Now, 2012 I've started this new life. Full time job, yoga, orchestra. It feels all new and shiny and fake. Why fake? BambiEyes asked. Well, because I still lost my little knut, couldn't light a candle in front of family or tell DP about that. Still not sure how to connect that loss to our future. So we talked about that too.
When I got home I held on tight to DP, half crying telling him that I'm afraid he'll forget. Forget Barcelona? he asked. No, our little knutsy. Of course he wouldn't forget he said.
We didn't make plans straight away of how to make sure we remember. Maybe we'll go to the beach again on June 14th. We could also pick a date that has to do with the actual pregnancy/miscarriage, don't know yet. We could do all of them. When I told DP about my idea of lighting a candle he wasn't so sure. Not sure we (he? or I?) wanted to share with so many people...
I just googled polar bear candles, and the one i liked i could order from china, just $1. Minimum shipment 2000 though. That would keep me lighting a candle a day for the next five and a half years... cute though:
Maybe we should keep the beach for the two of us. And maybe the candle on the family table is more to acknowledge, to have a tiny spot in our family, than to share details of our story. Nobody in real life needs to know knut's name (why does it make me cry to type this?) that can stay just for us....
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4 comments:

  1. Twangypearl the Elastic GirlJanuary 21, 2012 at 9:55 PM

    Oh Valery.. It's so hard but you've come so far and been so brave. Keep going, keep going. Xx
    By this I mean keep staying, of course. :)

    (I love the idea of the 2000 bear candles. A little impractical, I acknowledge, but so poetic.)

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  2. MomasitaJanuary 22, 2012 at 3:44 AM

    I have followed your blog for a while and have seen your transformation. I love reading the positive changes you have made and how you think about moving forward.

    I think honouring your little knut is a fantastic idea. Have you ever thought of planting a tree or blooming shrub in Knut's honour?

    I also have to say my opinion of DP has really changed. Maybe that's because your attitude towards him has changed or he has changed or both, but I find him so much more supportive of you and your feelings these days.

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  3. SushigirlJanuary 26, 2012 at 10:04 PM

    The bear candle looks really sweet, and I hope you're coping ok.

    We bought a star on the due date of the first IVF miscarriage, and that really helped.

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  4. ~C~January 31, 2012 at 4:41 AM

    That's so hard about miscarriage - that no one sees it as an actual loss, only a hypothetical one. I hope that you and DP can find a way to acknowledge your knut that you are both happy with.

    And I'm back to commenting under my old blog because that's the only way that stupid frickin Blogger will let comments through!

    ReplyDelete

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