Being myself

The Preparation.

Tuesday haircut for me and for my mother and Suzy.

The head hunter had sent all kinds of useful info and tips on how to prepare yourself for an interview. Being on time, polite etc etc. But the 'check linked in and the company website to find out more' was a good one to get out of holiday mode and in work mode. I was trying with J different ways of phrasing why I left my last job. Putting Hipster Boss down isn't exactly professional after all.

On the linked in I discovered that the one guy was a bike lover, saying about himself he loved Raw, Honest, Open and Pure. And work life balance. No university degree, but the one level below that. The other guy had two uni degrees, Chemistry and bio-something-technical-ly. They seemed to be running the company themselves. The website was saying something about only wanting the Best testers, and how they were a special kind of people.
I started to get a suspicion that either it would be nothing for me, or just my thing.

J offered to roleplay with me for the interview. That freaked me out so much that after 5 minutes I took him out to go shopping with me. We went to my favourite vintage shop. He got me three outfits that were all so good and different enough I got them all.
Also high heeled shoes and new bra.
That evening DP said that the tight dress with the leather jacket looked very good on me, but not material for formal interview. The blouse/skirt/jacket option safe. The dress with same jacket very elegant while also business-y. So I went for the last dress, sort of a chanel dress.

The Interview
I got there ridiculously early to make sure I did not get nervous in public transport. That gave me time for a walk around (I brought sensible shoes as well). I saw the bike guy arrive in a fancy car, he didn't see me.
No one at reception, so I walked to the canteen to see if I could get a cup of tea. Where the receptionist gladly gave me one.
When the two guys arrived to pick me up they offered me lunch, and were clearly getting some themselves so I accepted. This interview was already different and hadn't even started.
When we did start they tumbled over each other to tell me stories about the company and the people working there.  Bike guy said they had different people working there, people with kids, or people who where struggling to have them. They also made clear that from my CV they could tell I was a good tester, but were looking for the person behind it.
Very different interview! I decided I liked them, left all interview convention behind them and told them bits and pieces about our IF journey and Suzy. Not the DE part, but having to go to Spain. We talked for TWO hours. I did see them exchanging meaningful glances, but they kept talking. When finally the phone rang that the next candidate had arrived we made an end to the conversation, and they asked me when I could start, and if I thought I wanted to. I didn't even need to sleep on it, but first of september I'm still at the seaside, so they said 1st Oct was OK too.

Went home bouncing. Discovered that I really cannot catch a train on sexy heels. Went out for dinner to celebrate with DP and Suzy. Went to sleep. Woke up 3 am my head spinning with the intensity of the conversation we had.
Decided I will bring flowers next time I see BambiEyes, because I got a job for daring to be myself. And of course a big thank you to my readers and writers of their own blogs, for all allowing us and accepting us for who we are.

Summer Holiday with a bad cough.

Summer Holiday mostly uneventful. As in, not very stressful. The long drive to France we did in two stages, staying with friends with a gîte in the Vosges before travelling on to the Jura. Lovely to see them after four years, lovely to introduce our Suzy to them. Turned out they had an addition to their family as well, a rescue labrador, conveniently also called Suzy.
Camping was OK, the new tent so huge you could park your car inside. The weather very hot to begin with, gave me headaches.
Just my silly cough would not clear up. To the point even the teenagers started to ask me if I was OK. But too stubborn to see a French doctor. Even though walking the mountains became harder every day, and carrying Suzy in the back-carrier made me seriously short of breath.
At home two weeks later it turned out I had pneumonia. No wonder breathing was so hard!
Long live penicillin.

Then came windows 10. For a day we believed we lost my laptop. Agonising crawl doesn't describe how impossible it was to work do anything with. But plugging in an ethernet cable, DP's perseverance and another boatload of automatic updates have resurrected it to almost normal use. Lost the webcam, tried everything. Including updating the BIOS.

Then came a headhunter. Pestering me about my CV, couldn't I send an extended version, wouldn't I like this or that company... So this Thursday I already have an interview. Have to get myself out of holiday mode because it sounds promising; a club of independant consultants sharing a network. Doing the test work I want to get back into.

Also, unreasonably excited about this young Dutch girl winning a silver medal on the 100m sprint

Jamaican Shelly-Ann an absolute star, and on top of that her hair in her national colours, love those flowers. While to my eyes Dafne looks so incredibly normal. The Dutch are a silly people, normal is the best thing you can be.

J found out his treatment will take year and a half, five days a week. Starting mid september. This puts him in a bit of a difficult position, as his stay with us was meant to be temporary. He is in Pax's room, and moves to the guest room every other weekend when the boys are here. (the boys have their own bathroom, the guest room shares with us) For the summer that seemed a reasonable way to stay here, but more than a year not so much. But the being occupied 5 days per week makes it difficult to get some kind of job. I suppose we were all hoping he could fix himself this summer/year, then move on to buy own house and find job. O well, plan B will come.

Tomorrow will be my last day of taking penicillin, have to go back to have my lungs listened to.
And on the weekend we will go to the seaside with Suzy and my parents for their annual Suzy-Summer outing.

4,5,6,9,8,9,10

City of Hindeloopen

Skinny bridge near marina of Hindeloopen

Sheep, mostly invisible. Idem for sails on horizon.  Not quite sunset.

returned our little red boat in the middle.

Sailing was wonderful. We were especially lucky with the weather and wind and our timing. We even had a two hour stretch without wind and too much sun so the perfect opportunity to go for a swim. (I took forever to adjust to the water temp, but swam a complete lap around the boat. yes without getting my hair wet.) With that bit of cooling the rest of the afternoon was a lovely warm gentle sail.
Also talking through manouvres beforehand removed all the stress: when something didn't go as planned we both knew that was an unforeseen circumstance and we did the best we could.

My parents had a great time with Suzy and Suzy probably had a great time ordering my parents around, it was all too exciting to take naps.
(On Monday only mild backlash, Suzy kept trying to hit and scratch me (out of the blue), wanting me to reaffirm both my affection and my boundaries. )
DP was so happy he asked when we were going again, or if we shouldn't go for a week with Suzy. Lovely, good idea,but  let's try her on a boat for a day first.

At home I'm in the process of tackling all kinds of different projects. Smaller ones, like finally moving my house insurance. Medium ones, like oiling the wooden floor of the living room.  Finding new plumber for rental property.
Have to break big projects into small pieces. Tax. Putting away my clothes. Admin. Suzy's clothes.
And thinking about getting proper (but illegal) balcony doors instead of climbing through a window to our roof terrace.

I started reading the donor egg baby book to Suzy. She is small enough to not understand at all. But old enough to know I'm reading her a book that has something to do with her, a baby in a belly and a mama and a papa who are very sad in the middle of the book and very happy at the end.
It makes me quite happy to read it to her, it doesn't put me back in a state of despair like I feared before. It is so much easier if you are reading the story to the happy 'outcome' sitting beside you.
I also think that I immersed myself (just) enough in the idea that we would not end up with a baby but that is an whole other post.

As to the mysterious title, that is how Suzy was counting till this week. Dutch 7= zeven apparently too much like 9 = negen. I'm eternally in doubt wether or not to document Suzy's milestones here, so mostly write about them when the next one makes it obsolete.
She taught herself to sing Twinkle twinkle little star in English from youtube (tablets are easy for toddlers) and today I discovered in the playground that also native 3 year old English toddlers sing kwinkle kwinkle lille stah.
Ah, about undocumented milestones, her brothers' names sound like Paxton (Pax) and Damian. Suzy started out with saying Pats and a bit later Dami.  This now morphs into "like a damian in the sky" in the song, I even caught it on camera. Images not suitable for internet, sadly, with nearly naked toddler and such. Maybe I could just rip the sound? Except the screeching toddler might be more than you would want to hear.

This nap of Suzy is turning into a siesta. DP smiled and said 'must be her southern temperament'. Made me smile, to realise how much her DE origin is now a normal part of daily life.

Sailing

For weeks and weeks our holiday plans were so vague, so fluid and uninspired.
And then suddenly one Saturday evening everything came together.
The big family holiday with Suzy and the boys is going to be rental car (rented) and camping in tent (bought new)
The small family holiday is this weekend, just the two of us. Yes, DP and me. On a boat in Frisia. My parents were asking for Suzy to spend the weekend with them for a while now, the boys aren't interested in sailing. BambiEyes was suggesting I should do something with DP alone. and suddenly I had the brainwave to combine it, and it seemed so obvious that it is hard to remember why we didn't think of it before..

BambiEyes mentioned that our conversations have grown from 'how do I manage to stay in this relationship with DP' to 'how do we make a good relationship better and stronger'.
In a previous relationship I read the famous self help book  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and I hated it. I was so disappointed that even the Preface said that normal, good relationships have their seasons, their good and bad times! O well, good bye innocence, goodbye happy ever after, goodbye twenties and thirties. I think (hope) I'm finally grown up enough to understand what it means that relationships take work. That taking it for granted isn't it. That having a disagreement or a fight is ok, just keep communicating.
It is to be expected that two people on a small boat will make errors, sailing or otherwise. That is OK too. Doing something we love, with the one we love, it doesn't really matter what goes wrong.

I'm surprised that my right arm is STILL hurting with the stress from work. I had naively thought it would be OK the day I walked out of the office. Ha says my arm, took nine months to build up? guess how long it will take to let go!
I'll try to be gentle with the sailing and the arm. And each other.

Summer every other week or so

The exam was a very serious affair; 2,5 hours practical assessment in the morning, 3 hours theoretical in the afternoon. In total I wrote 37 numbered pages. Not all fully scribbled mind you, but different thoughts at least. So much writing my fountain pen ran out of ink!
My throat was hurting, from the Cold That Never Goes Away, and during both sessions I went for a toilet break to clear my head. I still am in no condition to produce that much concentration. Time management was a big issue on this day, I do not believe it is humanly possible to write everything down in that time to get full marks. And the results might take 4 to 6 weeks! Too long to keep holding frustration. The day after I spend in bed and on the couch, thinking of cancelling the SOS BBQ. We didn't though.
DP loves a BBQ and the lousy weather meant he had the deck to himself and the guests staying inside. After a while I was able to enjoy myself as well. Have to remember that a party is not the occasion to have deep personal conversations with everyone, so I will stop beating myself up over that.

In other news. A couple of weeks ago, around Pentecost I think, J moved in with us. Most of his belongings are in storage in France, he is here with some basics and his photo equipment and computers. He is not completely invisible, he pops out for dinner every day when we call him. He is taking care of his health, in the process of trying to get himself admitted for treatment. But I have decided to just be here for him, not ask questions about how or what or why. Generally I'm not such a charitable person, I do not donate money all over the place. I try to be aware of all the privileges I'm born into and grew up with and this seems something I can do. Offer a spare bed and plate. Suzy got used to him, DP seems happy to have someone share a bottle/glass of wine with over dinner. I simply hope this is a basis, an anchor for J after losing everyone and most everything.
During the BBQ it seemed that HB was not really interested in meeting another adult orphan, I don't think he had much of a 'click' with J. O well, not everyone's grief is compatible.

Taking care of Suzy a full extra day per week is something I'm still adjusting to. Still aligning activities for the Monday and finding people to go to. A clever birthday present from my parents: a year ticket to the Zoo.

Yesterday seems to feel like my first proper day off, Suzy was off to day care. My electric bike was fixed and I took it for a detour.

Here are some summer samples of the very Dutch landscape I biked though:

Windmill first, sheep sleeping in the shade second. And I've tried to add a 'panorama' video to show you How Very Flat the Dutch landscape can be. The sound is from a bird, and the soft summer breeze and the smell of grass you'll have to imagine with it.

Today I went back to the office to have lunch with my men, then I had tea with Lily. The situation with the hipster isn't getting any better, and he has less people to blame now, so she is getting some of it. Luckily with our combined experience with him and with therapy she can reckognise all the transfer and projection that he is doing and she is already on the lookout for a nicer job elsewhere. It was so good to see her again, have to make sure we keep in touch somehow.

Still so very tired though....

HB

Today was the funeral of HB's mother.

She had had a mini-stroke nearly three weeks ago, that left her unable to eat, and made swallowing liquid very difficult, but not completely impossible.
DP and I were there today, and had agreed to cancel my birthday for today. Reschedule to Sunday, we'll have a Start Of Summer BBQ then (and conveniently cover father's day as well) Simply not in the mood tonight. DP is out drinking with HB to drown out his new orphan status instead.
Plus I have to study for my course exam this Friday. Even though I'm hopeless with the amount of information I have to work through. So much bla bla!

Roses for my birthday:

Happy Last Day

With a wink to Mel I can tell you I had my Happy Last Day at Work last Friday (last working day of May) We had a team lunch outside the office (no boss), and at the end of the day I was given 3 tea boxes, some sweets and this lovely tea filter:

Wow, finding those pictures I saw some prices too, I didn't know you could spend that much on tea bags! But the tea egg gives me incentive to buy some leaf tea again.
Not very emotional about all of it, I think I already spent enough time feeling angry and sad.
Next three months will be a free summer for me, filled with family time, me time, not worrying about finding another job till fall.
I'll do that training course first, and then summer will begin.

Telling me about her day

Yesterday I came home from work, while DP had his day off with Suzy.
we sat down for dinner and started talking.
Suddenly Suzy was interrupting with:"chicken playground swinging. DeeDee. Poopy Diaper."
I looked at DP, and he confirmed they had indeed spent the afternoon at the playgroung with the chicken coop, playing with the swings and had run into Delia with DeeDee.  As if Suzy understood I was questioning her story she got up and dragged me along to the bin, and showed me the diaper.
I'm still a bit flabbergasted about this sudden language development.
At 21 months she said mommy for the first time. 23 months was the first time Suzy put two words in a sentence. (we were not counting cookie cookie cookie as a sentence ;-)  Now 26 months she is not only using multiple words in sentences, but also telling me about her day unprompted.

I can't remember when exactly was the first time, but Suzy also discovered she can drag chairs across the kitchen, climb up to open the fridge and help herself to it's contents.
She is also tall and strong enough to open the door from the alley to the street. I almost would not be surprised if she manages to hop on a tram by herself within a year, she is so quick, adventurous and unafraid. Plus increasingly interested in doing things I tell her not to do.
I will need to improve my fitness and running levels soon!

It will soon be May

So.
I´m tired of complaining about my silly hipster boss and HR antics. I dare not look back in my blog, but I´m afraid it has occupied much of my emotions since it started 9-11.
Had many conversations, got tired of people´s opinions, followed BambiEyes´ advice. Not making a choice, going through a halfhearted fight, it wasn´t getting me anywhere except down. So yesterday I told my laywer to make it quick and painless. I expect to sign this week, maybe even tomorrow. One month left to work then.
Have to decide on a course to take as pat of my 'exit package deal'. I´m thinking of getting myself certified with the newest fashion in information technology.
Already I slept better last night.

Tomorrow will be Suzy´s last day with the toddler group. I don´t know the exact english translations for those age groups, but in her daycare the baby group goes from 0 / 1. Then the toddler group 1/2 (walking) and the tots (?) 2/3 years (talking). As soon as they turn 4 they have to go to school.
Since our Queen retired two years ago we now celebrate King's day, a few days earlier, on the 27th.
The whole country turns into a big yard sale with 'Orange' festival. And since it is a custom to give some presents at daycare when you leave for the next group I bargained and paid less than 1 euro per pluche toy, and managed to get 18 fairly newish looking toys. Yay!
I hope the kids like them at least half as much as I do.


Update.
I wanted to tell you Suzy actually used the potty once for a wee. I rather talk about pee than my job you see. or all the other stuff I got at King's day. Have to remember it will soon be May.

I have a lawyer now

O well,
I have a lawyer now. BambiEyes said it was OK to leave the negotiating about ending my employment contract to a professional, so I did.
HB especially was adamant that my hipster boss does not get away easily on this. He reviewed the first letter for me, and came with suggestions for recriminations.
I sleep badly over it.
Of course, as life would have it, DP found out late March that his department is being reorganised. Higher up had basically forgotten about him after they heard about an opportunity in a different department. And forgot to ask him. He bought himself an extra month with all kinds of politics-behind-the-scenes, but will probably have a different job/team/department end of this month.
More stress.
It is hard to believe this would not affect Suzy, and indeed the daycare invited us to have a conversation about her aggression towards other kids. Poor other kids. Poor Suzy. It seems her problem is jealousy of the attention the daycare ladies pay to other kids. Of course when she hurts another kid she will get their attention immediately.... Also at the end of this month she is scheduled to go the next age group. Maybe it's 'just a phase'. And hopefully we will all move on to the next phase.

To make a small difference I've found 'dancing' lessons for Suzy in a group of two year olds, and the

way too big, maybe in 3 years time?

first two weeks I was allowed to watch. It is much fun seeing their little brains and bodies learn new things, like balancing on one leg. Suzy is a pro standing on tippy toes, she can even run on her toes. For now she cannot stand still as soon as she hears music, she moves and jumps and waves. (Even when they are supposed to impersonate a penguin-waddle) We are all hoping that soon she will be able to express herself verbally and doesn't feel the need to push/hurt people to get attention. This morning I suggested she takes someone by the hand if she wants to dance, but sadly even that was too intrusive for the other kids. A step up from pushing, for sure, but not there yet.