Spring Time

It is Spring.
If the weather isn't nice enough to let me know it is a thick throng of tourists in the street. As if someone pushed a button on April first and "Poof" there they are. The weird thing is that the end of the season is always gradual, I never really notice there are less tourists.

Past Thursday I had an interview for a project. Thursday evening I got a message if I would please come back for a second interview to clarify two points. One was something to do with work areas. The other was their concern if I would fit with a team with mostly younger people, in their twenties. I had to bite my tongue and not say I didn't feel much older than 30.
Also explaining that even at 16 I didn't like to party or drink didn't seem helpful.
Thankfully the lady who spoke with me on the Friday liked me immediately and wanted me in the team and I can start next week.
Looking forward to this huge project, only 20 minutes from home, exactly my experience and loads of enthusiastic young people to work with.

This Africa trip has a load of hidden work with it. Vaccins: my mother needs to bring her medication overview, so she needs to go to her special rheuma pharmacy to get that. And then we go to the health center.
Forms. I need to get DP's consent on a form. that is OK with me. But if Suzy is travelling with her own passport why do I need to get her  birth certificate as well? I know, that says DP is her father, it means just another trip to the city hall.
Visa. from the Embassy in Brussels !!
Pills. Have to go back to the pharmacy because they didn't have the baby malaria pills in stock.

Sorry, new work took so much energy I have only been playing Farmville 2 instead of hitting Publish on this one. Will back date for it to make sense. Sorry ;-)

You're invited too

On my last session with BambiEyes I felt so so happy.
I've been trying to find the words to capture it, to keep it.
It feels most like life is a party, and I am invited. Participating. Or maybe it is even my own party. You are invited too!

Last time I said work was crazy. This reorganisation is huge. Yesterday I told my new manager I have to go to several dentists the coming time. He too, he said. And continued to say my contract that was just extended will now be terminated in 4 weeks time. There will be several unemployed bankers and two Russians joining the team instead. I wished him luck with that.
I'm a little angry about the way they treat people. But wise and happy enough to know it is not the place for me then. My poor colleagues who are staying behind...

J found a house, the deal is done. He can move early May. Yay for him and new beginnings. (and only very minor eeeeeeks for me now officially being an investor in the housing market) we celebrated with the most luxurious cup of tea:

that macaron makes one moan softly with yumminess

Suzy's birthday was fine. What she looked forward to most was standing on the table while we would sing Happy Birthday. That glowing face at hurray... She didn't miss the "big" gift I had been planning, An had offered their old play-kitchen but we never got around to pick it up.
Tomorrow is DP's birthday, 45. O dear, I might want to pick up the gift I ordered for him! Forgot!
See blogging is good for all kinds of things!

The flights to South Africa and Mozambique have been booked. Now I need to find out if I want to go scuba diving for a day there.
Ooooorrrrr, maybe DP and me will join HB if they go to Cuba on a road/diving trip. Maybe April or May. I'm excited that it is a destination that has appeal for DP too. Just the timing is a bit close to this other huge trip. O well, both once in a lifetime opportunities. We do not have to decide on Cuba just yet.

It all feels a bit crazy. But a good kind of crazy ;-)

Bits and Pieces

-shoulder is not so bad ( not good, but not worse and I manage to hurt myself less and less)
-doing yoga with a frozen shoulder feels and looks weird
-work is crazy. A reorganisation means the work from our department will move two countries to the right in 8 months time. Which is bad news for the permanent employees. At the same time they extended my contract till June. The manager who is sending me there is aware of the craziness and will keep me in mind if a better contract comes along before then.
-Suzy is almost three.
-We're visiting schools around us for her. The lottery-entry system is crazy.
-DP's oldest (Pax) is doing his final highschool exam year now, and will be finishing around May/June. We/DP expect him to move in soon after his exam. I hope he and Suzy will grow closer.
-I'm planning a vacation with my mother and Suzy to Africa. Also June.
-I'm trying to help J buy a place to live.
-I'm also trying to help my parents with an investment.
-My brother came over for a weekend with his children. Suzy is the same height as his youngest, who is almost five. He seems to spend his energy reading rather than growing. He was reading Suzy a story in bed. So unlikely it was almost a dream. A dream come true.
-Suzy has some kind of Mama-phase. It is driving me nuts that she wants to be around/on top of me day and night. Especially when I eat or sit behind a newspaper or pc. 
-I feel guilty that Suzy's friend DeeDee will be on vacation on her birthday. I'm hoping that she is young enough not to realise. Hoping that having all her grandparents for birthdaycake will be party enough.
-BambiEyes will soon start her second maternity leave, so my therapy will end in two sessions. I think I'm OK.
-DP and me are OK.

Inside Out

We watched Inside Out at home the other week. I think I read in various places that it made people cry, but I was just enjoying the movie. We had DP's youngest son here and I think Suzy wanted to be with us as well, so we watched as a little family. It was nice to watch it together, even though I think we had to watch the Dutch spoken version.
We have not yet seen Frozen. But my shoulder still is frozen. I've been given diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory painkiller (NSAID). It is commonly known as being bad for your stomach, so I've got a stomach protector as well. Reading the small print reveals that NSAIDS can break your luteal phase and the other stuff is used for helping miscarriages along (when taken vaginally). Which should be of no concern for me given my postmenopausal status, but it still makes me sad. And I suspect makes my stomach much more susceptible for bugs or other misery.

Did I manage to tell you I do go to work again? 4 days a week again? In most ways it is really good to be back at work. It is also a lot busier and a lot easier to forget to make time for myself. Last week with BambiEyes she almost berated me for making things difficult in my head, for forgetting to take care of myself.
To complicate things sleep is difficult lately. Suzy wakes us up mostly once around 2 am, and some nights again around five-ish. And if she doesn't, some drunk might. Sometimes my sore shoulder makes it hard to fall back asleep.
BUT the good news is I found a fysio place that does yoga as well, with a special class for people with sore joints. I'll try it next week Tuesday, hoping it will be a good combination of exercise and relaxation for my whole body and mind.

This Christmas morning I dressed Suzy in her shiny and velvety dress.(second hand, only e6,95) My mother was so excited to have a grandchild to take to church for the play they put on that even my father joined.
Now DP put on the fire, and we will have a verrrrry quiet dinner this evening.
(yesterday HB joined us, tomorrow will be DP's complete family)
Staring into the embers I think of Knut. And how differently I miss Loki (Suzy's twin). When we play with DeeDee sometimes it breaks my heart all over again to see how alike and different they are.

Wishing you peace and calm and care and hope in these days at the end of the year my friends.

Frozen

My shoulder is not getting better. I went to see a physiotherapist who said I do not just have an inflammation, but a Frozen Shoulder second stage.
I cannot move my arm behind my back anymore. My shoulderblade does still move but the shoulder itself is mostly immobile. Some nights I'm too weary of the pain to undress completely, so I'll just sleep with my shirt on.

Today I managed to get a stomach bug as well so i spent it in bed.

DP is not a caring type when I'm ill (and I suppose I'm too stubborn to ask)
he just rips off the bedlinnen because it doesn't smell nice and leaves for work. I was not amused when I almost fainted in the shower and discovered the empty bed. O well, J helped out with the bed and dinner, my mother came over to take care of Suzy.

Maybe the combination of low grade pain and the fear of sharp pain in my shoulder (whenever I make a wrong move) is making me more grumpy than usual.
grrrrrumble!

Almost there

My start date at the Bank will be this Thursday and this morning I heard I did indeed pass the screening. In the mean time I had gotten really bored and annoyed with myself, playing not only candy crush but also its new little sister candy soda crush.
I managed to reschedule BambiEyes from Thursday to today and we could speculate a bit on my upcoming project. They only commit till the end of the year, so that will leave me very little time to prove myself. Also the Bank wants me to magically fix their dysfunctional team where people work with unspoken and undocumented agreements. O well, I should not beat myself up if I cannot do it.
And next? BambiEyes did announce she is expecting again. We went into the practical implications, I can keep seeing her till March. And I realised that for how I feel now that should be plenty. and also that her pregnancy does not affect me emotionally. I do not feel left behind or abandonded or overtaken. And that is a big BIG difference from last time!

The Heat is On

This morning when I stepped out of the shower and grabbed my towel I felt it was warm against my skin. Mmmhhhmmm, I love warm towels. The heater has switched on after a really cold night.
(and boy it was a cold day today)

(I thought to do a quick image search on hot towels. Warning: do not go near 'hot towel selfie'. it does not illustrate the hotness of the towel.)

Last week I did an intake interview for a Bank. The Bank let the agency know they wanted me the same evening, YAY. Now I have to go through this screening process, as the work involves confidential information. (It usually does) This time the agency told me to go looking for my university degree!!! I don't think I've ever needed to show it to anyone. 
Have you?

Can turn off?

Sometimes this unrelenting need to bond is getting to me. Sometimes I do not enjoy being woken up by toddler fingers prying my eyes and mouth open. This week I lost my cool when Suzy still did not stop waking me up, and resorted to hitting me over the head with the tablet (Android iPad). It got me out of bed indeed, dragging her by one arm and yelling so loud DP said not too.

People tell me that since I've been through so much before Suzy that I'm bound to spoil her. As if I somehow deserve to not be a good parent? Or as if IF has given me boundless patience and empathy? I'm not a saint, still fairly human and bound to fail and learn like the next person dealing with a toddler. Plus I still need to take care of me. (and do some more teaching of boundaries ;-)

The other week Mel asked " interesting discussion on maternal instincts and mothering and ways people can be with kids and not parent.  Go read these two posts and join in the discussion."
I did not read all posts or discussions involved. But I did read Mel's commenters, thinking that would be safe. Till I got to the second one: 

"... being a parent is something you eat, sleep, and breath every day, all day and you can’t turn off. Those without children of their own can’t possibly understand what that is like, and that is not a dig, it is just the truth.
I agree that there is a way to “mother” someone without actually being a mother…much of that is simply natural instinct and love.
But if you can give the child back at the end of a day, or weekend or whatever, and turn it all off, then you cannot call yourself a parent...."

I'm still upset.I feel so excluded by this. Why does she think that a child of their own gives her insight in what is possible? in what other people cannot understand? Why can she not turn off her being a parent? Does she not have a personal brain anymore? Is she implying that since I feel different I cannot call myself a parent? or cannot call Suzy my own? (oh dear, the only one making DNA a point here is me, I'll stop immediately)

I don't know what it says about me. As a student I lived in a student room (Amsterdam University doesn't have a campus) in the attic of a family. I did regular babysitting duties, and completely fell in love with the baby born while I lived there. (little boy loved me back just the same) I could play peek-a-boo every time I came home or left the house. I think it gave me some idea how much fun I could have with a child growing up.
Maybe somewhere in that comment is a certain bitterness, that parenting isn't just the fun part?

I feel a whole heap of posts swirling in my head. But the issues are simply too big. What is Love, and what is Parenting and How is that Different.
I guess it all comes down to "I loved Suzy before she existed. Then it did hurt so much. I love Suzy now. And now the world loves her too."

Cheek to cheek

Two and a half....

Suzy is not in a hurry to use the potty herself. She has great interest in the toilet, and sneaks in when I use it. She hands me toilet paper and wants to have a look when I sit down. Squeezes her head where nobody looks. I feel her soft cheek pressing against me. Hear her excitement. I thought that it was a short thing, that she would then try it herself. But six months later nothing changed. Not even the occasional accidental wee in a potty. O well. We tried pushing her, but that only made it worse.
So that is a non milestone then.
This summer she learned to swing by herself, jump on, jump off. She can ride a tricycle and a scooter and is talking more by the week. (Mommy, my tummy so full nice lemonade, yummy!) Uses please and thank you.
Finds her favourite youtube videos and mimics the dancing. (BTW, What is the fun of unwrapping things?!!!) But still sleeps with her bum in the air, her legs and arms tucked under. I can't see her giving up the dummy anytime soon, we're restricting it to bedtime only for now. And long car rides, which are rare.
She can find the right key on the keyring and unlock my bike and the front door.
When DP kisses me goodbye on the lips she demands a similar kiss ("in the mouth!" )
She is starting to object to some clothing, why wear jeans that touch your skin if you can have a dress instead? Why isn't underwear enough anyway? She can put on her clothes by herself, close buttons, zips or velcro. I've been told that tying shoelaces isn't a toddler thing, but Suzy wants to learn! She loves hair clips, but pulls them out after approx 7 seconds. We keep her hair short for now, out of her eyes. She is loosing the strawberry blond, her hair seems darker by the month. I try to drink in the blond as much as I can.
-Weaning. I thought we were there. The last remaining feed was the early morning feed. When trying to explain that milk was for little babies and not for toddlers Suzy simply stated  it was her milk, not for other babies. Then the web suggested avoiding the situation, so in my case that meant getting up before Suzy would come and ask for milk. Since she was irregular, but early to very early, 6 or even 5 something AM I first trained her to wait for the 6:30 alarm. ding dong. Then I made sure I would get up at 6:29 and disappear in the shower. That is two months ago now, but whenever she hears the alarm she will ask for milk. No drama, she does take no for an answer, but she is a bit clingy, clearly wants to keep her bonding moment. (or depending on your point of view, toddlers seem to like to be in complete control) BambiEyes suggested finding a replacement bonding activity, for just her and me. For now I let her 'braid' my hair. And in the mornings she can come snuggle in the big bed with us. We're only half heartedly stopping her from falling asleep in the big bed at night. I'll just carry her to her Miffy bed while she sleeps.

My moon, at the seaside

Once a year my parents invite us to spend some holiday quality time with Suzy, and they love the beach. DP found a lovely 2 bedroom seaside appartment on the web:

the beach in the background is so bright you can't even see it

After GP 2 and pharmacy it was time for packing for the long weekend at the seaside. Why is it always my job to pack for Suzy? And had to pack food, drink and snacks as the appartment was away from stores. Plenty of beach clubs and restaurants though. I was so tired both of the interview and the ongoing pneumonia that it took me much longer to pack. My parents came over to help at the last minute. (DP was working and would follow with my parents' car with the big luggage) We went with our bikes in the train and cycled the last bit to sea. Verrry lucky with the weather, the last true summer weekend.
DP /google got lost on the way (next seaside town also had a road called sea-road! duh), so dinner was late. Then the restaurant was super slow, so main course was even later. Never been so glad they could serve luke warm fries for Suzy while we waited, she could dig in immediately.
Sun was setting while we walked back, and the rising full moon was visible from our bedroom window. I was a bit worried about Suzy being over-excited with the new location, but when I put her on the window sill she said: My Moon!
Mildly flabbergasted that a toddler claims the moon, I don't think it ever occured to me to think that way.

Sunset from our loggia

Toddlers wake up early:

Sunrise from bedroom

My parents let me rest during the day, even if Suzy refused to nap. She spent hours on the beach trampolines!
Saturday morning started a bit grey:

Sunday was glorious beach weather, with natural paddling pool:

 On Monday morning we went beachcombing:

and that picture does not even include a giant (sandy, dripping) soft blue stripey beach towel because I had thrown that in the laundry straight away.
On Tuesday the rain showers started rolling in, we were lucky to get to the train in a dry spell. Went home quickly and smoothly and we all took a well deserved nap.
When Suzy woke up the first thing she asked was 'can we go see grandmother and opapa again?'   I think she enjoyed the weekend and their company immensely!