70

How appropriate to write my 70th post on my mothers 70th birthday. Happy Birthday mam.
She gave a ladies-only High Tea Party yesterday (in a hotel) complete with chocolate fountain - just for me, she claimed. Half of her guests knew me from when I was a baby, and all of them wanted to know how I was. I didn't want to blow the atmosphere, but neither would I tell them 'everything's fine'. So I practised telling my story in ever shorter form.
One lady, M, only ten years older than me and childless-not-by-choice then told me how she had really nice neighbours and had connected with one woman in particular because this neighbour was also c-n-b-c. The neighbour had been pregnant with twins (twice) who were stillborn (all of them). She had seemed to cope so well. Merry christmas, cheerful new years eve. And hanged herself the very first day of the new year.
Both M and I could understand somehow, that that could be too hard to keep on living, too much to bear.
I woke up at 5 AM, feeling so sad. Sad for M, sad for her neighbour, sad for the twins, sad for the husband left behind.
Made love to DP hoping to return to the land of warm, loving and living, but I still wanted to cry.

1-1-11

I'm a numbers girl and I Like today's date. As if it holds promise, a new start. New chances.
This year is the year of my big decisions -next year I'll turn 40 and that will only make things a thousand times more difficult I'm afraid.  I've even realised that not making any decisions will mean status quo, where both DP and me suffer from despair and loneliness despite living under the same roof.
So looking for a new therapist is high on my to do list. In the hope of not having the flight-from-pain reflex as my main motivator.

My new friend ( who I shall name HeartBroken anyway) is helping me to sort through the shards of my broken dream. He stops me when I'm taking on to many pieces at the same time and sometimes he comes up with wild new angles to look at the situation. Like 'why not ask DP to give up his DNA as well, to regain symmetry in your relation to the baby'. Crazy thought experiment, but amazing to feel how emotional my reactions are, and that relief was one of them. Emotions, I still have a lot to learn, but HB is making me feel safe while trying, and sometimes he even helps me explaining things to DP. Or commiserates with me when DP is being a Martian about all of this.

Wishing you good luck and wisdom for this year,
from Amsterdam with Love,
Valery

cd45 +1 = cd1 + UTI

That, plus a lingering cold and feeling down for weeks made me treat myself with two days off of work. (well, and antibiotics of course)

On the feeling down bit: I was supposed to have my next appointment with BambiEyes end of October. However, the evening before I got the cancellation and the news she was off ill. Early November she informed me she would not return to work and asked if I wanted to transfer to a colleague. Well, no thanks, not in that other city! Please transfer me back to the hospital we started? At least that is halfway between home and work.... If I could please wait till mid December...
So I'm waiting.
And work told me they will not extend my contract past the end of the year. Am mostly relieved at that, this company was only half nice, the other half women/freelance unfriendly, hypocritical and just tiresome. Now the coordinator is moaning there are not enough people for the next projects... Well, they have my number and I am not going to involve myself in that people/budget/time carnival.

Some good news too: After reaching out to a work friend of DP who was heartbroken, he and I discovered we could talk and support each other. It woke me up from the state of denial I had slipped back into. It is an amazing experience to be able to share pain, fear or sadness without someone making you feel wrong or trying to 'fix' you. Sometimes it is scary we seem to read each others (state of) mind. Talking with BFG would calm me and distract me (and make me want to start over with him). This is different : I can let the sadness flow. (And it is not half secret like the time I spend with BFG) It does make me sad, it does make me wake up at night but at least I feel something and for now I believe it helps me out of my standstill.
Mhm, not very good at nicknames today. I would feel bad for naming him heartbroken, almost like he will never recover. And Giraffe sounds silly (although he is tall and skinny enough)

And the computer store doesn't answer the phone. My two week laptop repair is now turning into two months....(if I'll ever get it back) Maybe I should just go there.
Oh, I found a letter between the unopened mail: in some countries they close bank accounts that have not been touched for 6 years....
Other not related subject: what is this Doctor doing in my Google Friend connect bar thingy? My blog isn't searchable in google search engine, only through Mel's blog list. Strange kind of spam...

Be kind to yourselves if you find this dark time of year with its holidays difficult again. My new friend has promised me that 2011 will be better.

CD 33

After my last post I thought I should check what cd I'm on, and was surprised to find that was cd21 already. (which this year had mostly been the end of it)There had been a minuscule mucuy sign a week before, followed by some activity. So -apart from no eggs that aren't even ovulating- I felt doubt creeping back in. On cd 27 I told DP that cd1 was taking longer than before, but being who he is he didn't react in any significant way.
I'm trying not to let hope creep in as well. But I haven't made myself poas to truly destroy the possibility of hope. I'll keep that for Sunday when I'm staying with a friend who will not say rational stuff DP might say (pff I can hardly bring myself to type what I don't want to hear) "but the chances weren't very high" or "does this mean your menopause is starting right now"
Otherwise I suppose that by all practical means and purposes I've given up hope: I'm not taking folic acid or any other pills, I don't even know what wheat grass is, I'm not taking temperatures, I'm not actively checking CM or what cycle day it is, and the only time for 'activity' is on the weekend, to keep DP happy. Because, well, I'm in the "it's useless anyway" stage. No Chinese magic, herbs, vitamins, dreamcatchers, moonstones, African statues on bedside tables, aura or other healers or foreign doctors. Yoga is a sport to me, no objections there.

The whole coffee/alcohol thing is a non issue for me, I never drink it anyway, can't get over the taste. You know, maybe later, when I'm all grown up and such...

3, 2, 1, 0

4 years ago I was so hoping for a baby, but DP wasn't ready yet. When his brother announced a bit later they were expecting I cried secretly.
3 years ago DP's nephew was born, we had started TTC and I was happy to see him holding his newborn nephew, thinking that soon it would be our turn.
2 years ago on nephews first birthday I sat there with a happy smug smile because I was pregnant! The more babies and toddlers the merrier.
1 year ago, I'm not quite sure now how I survived that birthday. A bit desperate, but also determined to not give up hope.
Yesterday was hard. I didn't want to be there, even if it was only 10 AM to noon, but DP insisted and I was too miserable to protest. It was supposed to be a small party because DP's SIL just came out of hospital, so it was family only.  (DP +2 kids, her one brother +2 kids, her other brother +2 kids, two sets of grandparents and 1 greatgrandmother) Small party I think not. Nephew got more toys already than my brother and me ever had in our life. It was hard to be the only childless person in the room. It was hard to admit there is only a 0,1% chance I'm pregnant right now. I don't even know my cycle days any more, my 2 week wait hardly ever gets to two weeks anyway with a cycle of around 21 days.

PCT

In daily life I work in IT, loads of computer lingo, abbreviations and project blah blah.
One person at work suggested that we do not only do flowcharts but a PCT as well. For the life of me I couldn't remember what that would be...so my younger colleague googled it... and proceeded to click on an ivf-information-link! I had to push him off his chair, closed that browser window and managed not to yell 'nooo, I have had that and it is weird and we're soo not going to do that'
So in my professional life it now means Process Cycle Test.
...Have to remember...

out of order

It doesn't say boo or bah, doesn't purr nor wink and blink, my laptop is thoroughly out of order.

There is another computer in the house, but it's DP's, in the middle of the living room and it has the new windows 7 stuff on it, big reasons stopping me from sitting down on the floor in front of it and type my heart out. I'm still thinking I will get my laptop fixed somehow, some time soon. Even if the closest certified Sony laptop support and repair center really is in London.

Might be a good excuse to visit my brother. I haven't spoken with him since he announced their second pregnancy -gee when was that, oops early September? That's almost 2 months ago! Checked with my mother, they made the 12 weeks without problem. Time seems to escape me... Am I really that stuck in the past? In the what-ifs, the would-haves?

I have to admit I still don't have the slightest idea about my future and what I want it to look like and I don't enjoy thinking about it. When the first Sinterklaas (Santa) invitation came in my immediate reaction was "Again?!" I'm just sooo not in the mood. I know December is not my first worry, but I didn't want to be reminded it is unavoidable already.

Early this year I met my neighbour from across the street, we came to speak about infertility and how she was just married and TTC for 1 year with no luck. Last week I met her again, we started talking about the sweet red kitten they got and how much fun he is. I had noticed she was up early every day, sitting around in her pyjamas and was wondering about her health. She was a bit shy but told me she was 5 months pregnant (and morning sickness from it too). Happy for her, and sort of happy, or at least relieved that my bad luck didn't jinx her... yep, what a scientist I am...

At work the guy sitting opposite me has just become a father last Monday, he hasn't been back to work yet. He's been very good throughout the pregnancy, even when things were scary he never told me unless I asked.

DP's SIL has been trying to share her secondary infertility with me. Sometimes I wonder about the trap of secondary IF. I can understand rationally that it hurts, I can relate that not many people understand what it really means (that would include me too if I'm honest) and you cannot radically change your life now that you're not going to be a mother after all. And with Twangy asking what country her readers dream of living in, I found I couldn't stop dreaming of faraway and exotic places....

It was hot

It was hot in Jordan, and sunny every day. It is full of beautiful rock and fine fine sand.

The first few days I could hardly believe I was there, I felt not connected somehow. I'm not really a group person, but the travel program was so full it hardly allowed for a moment alone, no time to let it sink in. I was upset that the timing of walks was insane, I mean, who in their right mind goes walking when the sun is hottest? Only stupid tourists asking for sunburn and heatstroke, and us. Oh well, drinking lots of water and walking slowly we managed. Had Bedouin tea in the breaks, boiled on a little wood fire.
And slowly I felt a little bit more connected, both to DP and my surroundings. The visit to the lost city of Petra made it all worthwhile though (and the hamam afterwards!)
It was an 'active' holiday (hiking) and apparently that attracts single travellers. Single as in travelling alone leaving the husband at home. I was the only one who had dragged him along, the other 11 women hadn't! (well, two were widows) Oh, and there were just 3 single men (and really single).

The night in the Wadi Rum desert at new moon was magic, so many stars it made me dizzy to look at. While the group was cracking jokes around the campfire I slipped away to a high dune, watching the stars on my own. Trying to find meaning somehow. The first shooting star left me wondering what I should wish for, but before I could make up my mind I saw another star shooting the opposite direction, and another one across, as if to say not matter what I wish for it may go the other way ...
So instead my tears were flowing down my ears and neck. I missed my friend who knows so much about stars. But neither he nor the stars can tell me what I should do, what the right thing is.
I keep thinking there must be more to life, that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm missing something.
But then the holiday was racing on, camel ride, jeep safari, desert sunset, climbing a waterfall, floating in the Dead Sea. Hardly any opportunity for Big Important Conversations but enough going on to create friction. The last night DP and I almost exploded, accusing each other of a bad mood and spoiling the evening. I could see he honestly thought it was me being difficult while I was thinking I was very reasonable and DP was the difficult one. I fled rather than trying to explain it was really more of a funny situation. Then we gathered with a 'sub-group' of five and had a modern simple incredibly cheap meal of falafel in the new part of Amman (rather than traditional dinners just for tourists for tourist prices)
I was glad I had my few words of Arabic and my long travel skirt to give this adventure that little extra something. I tried not to be upset we didn't do a 4-week trip, it was still worth going even if it was too short. Plus, it's another 'Wonder of the World' on my list. So romantic by night!

Don't

Kids don't make you happier.
'twas a little piece in the newspaper at the end of August. Stated that for decades psychological research has shown that kids don't make you happier.  How does this research go?
Well, take a group of people (couples), ask them how happy they are and we get number H1.
some time later, find the people that have small children, ask again, -> find H2 and, surprise H1 > H2.
Oh, you're not believing it? Well, go back 20 years later when the children are adults, ask for H3 and voila: H3 > H2.
I don't have access to the small print at this moment (I think they excluded divorce situations) but google told me to look here:
    * The social health of Marriage in America, 2006
    * Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert's 2006
    * Gross National Happiness, Arthur C. Brooks 2008

alas the links didn't work (at first, fixed now), but even without all that I'm pretty pretty sure infertility was left out of the equation. And it makes me angry. I mean, come on, it sounds like it means I should be happy I don't have my little ones in existence?
Ahh, I know I should be grateful for safe drinking water, not living in a war zone, food, skinny jeans and chocolate phones from LG.

Geez, some internets get in the twists. I had to go back and look some further. Wikipedia quotes Brooks saying that "Parents are happier than the childless, even though their children often upset them."
(and their children often upset the childless too I might add)

Sooooo, where was I? yes, stupid summaries/conclusions. Feeling excluded, being made to feel stupid for being unhappy childless infertile me. Wanting to scream 'but not getting the children I long for makes me MUCH unhappier!!!!

I almost wanted to write that not having a baby makes me much unhappier than a baby ever could, but I don't want to compete in the Pain Olympics here. I've seen blogs with Real Big Struggles and anyone who has read 'The Spohrs are multiplying' knows happiness isn't a simple number.
 Life isn't a - Maddie + Annie = 0.

Rationally then, my life looks not so bad at all. Emotionally I'm still scared of the dark.

Mars and Venus, or How Different People Look Forward to Making a Trip

or, how differently
Today was our last working day before our trip to Jordan. Since it was sunny we went outside for a lunch walk. DP was telling me how stressful it was to wrap up work for a week. How he was discussing with a friend at work that you should indeed block your calendar, switch on your out-of-office-reply, but then go to work and do all the things you normally don't get the time for.
I could not believe my ears. I guess I should not automatically conclude he would rather be at work then tramping through some historic desert with me. He insisted he only meant to say preparations are stressful.
It's just, sometimes I can't believe men and women, he and I are so different.

On the other hand, the scaring tactic to get him vaccinated didn't work, so I had let that go for a while. Then, last Saturday, I casually asked if he was planning on not eating any fresh fruit or vegetables on  the trip to avoid water contaminated with hepatitis A. (At home DP has fruit for breakfast every working day) Then he agreed that he should get the shots. We went together, and it turned out my shots for Egypt from last year were still valid. It was only in the next waiting room that it dawned on him I was there for support only, and it made him smile. Then a male nurse gave him the tip that worked for him: cross your legs (above the knee) and Squeeeze! He didn't even notice that first shot, and got up smiling and relieved after the second shot... I was proud of him, and he was too. The guy said he hadn't had anyone faint on him for over a year, and was pleased to keep his reputation.

Now the last worry is to find some piece of long sleeved clothing that will protect DP from the desert sun in 40C heat. His skin is practically Irish so pale and freckled. (and his father has already  had a spot of skin cancer removed) but the outdoor shops are gearing up for winter sports now..

Oh, and his mother was on the phone, if we would come for dinner on the Sunday. I was mouthing NO, it is the evening before we leave, we need to pack. And he said yes, we will be there and bring the kids...
Aargh, how dare he say preparations are stressful! and then hardly worry about anything, he even did grocery shopping for next week?!
So hard to not take it personally (how could he possibly forget while he was in the supermarket?)

Maybe I wanted this trip to be a magic cure for everything. But BambiEyes already warned that it will be hard work and effort and trying and failing and trying again, to connect the two of us again....