out of order

It doesn't say boo or bah, doesn't purr nor wink and blink, my laptop is thoroughly out of order.

There is another computer in the house, but it's DP's, in the middle of the living room and it has the new windows 7 stuff on it, big reasons stopping me from sitting down on the floor in front of it and type my heart out. I'm still thinking I will get my laptop fixed somehow, some time soon. Even if the closest certified Sony laptop support and repair center really is in London.

Might be a good excuse to visit my brother. I haven't spoken with him since he announced their second pregnancy -gee when was that, oops early September? That's almost 2 months ago! Checked with my mother, they made the 12 weeks without problem. Time seems to escape me... Am I really that stuck in the past? In the what-ifs, the would-haves?

I have to admit I still don't have the slightest idea about my future and what I want it to look like and I don't enjoy thinking about it. When the first Sinterklaas (Santa) invitation came in my immediate reaction was "Again?!" I'm just sooo not in the mood. I know December is not my first worry, but I didn't want to be reminded it is unavoidable already.

Early this year I met my neighbour from across the street, we came to speak about infertility and how she was just married and TTC for 1 year with no luck. Last week I met her again, we started talking about the sweet red kitten they got and how much fun he is. I had noticed she was up early every day, sitting around in her pyjamas and was wondering about her health. She was a bit shy but told me she was 5 months pregnant (and morning sickness from it too). Happy for her, and sort of happy, or at least relieved that my bad luck didn't jinx her... yep, what a scientist I am...

At work the guy sitting opposite me has just become a father last Monday, he hasn't been back to work yet. He's been very good throughout the pregnancy, even when things were scary he never told me unless I asked.

DP's SIL has been trying to share her secondary infertility with me. Sometimes I wonder about the trap of secondary IF. I can understand rationally that it hurts, I can relate that not many people understand what it really means (that would include me too if I'm honest) and you cannot radically change your life now that you're not going to be a mother after all. And with Twangy asking what country her readers dream of living in, I found I couldn't stop dreaming of faraway and exotic places....