30 weeks and kicking

Grasshopper had turned around for today's scan, and was head down, twisted backwards. But with some firm pressure the midwife could still get a good reading on the head, and it was perfectly average (P~50).
Legs even longer (no I'm not at 33 weeks yet!) and belly even bigger, P>97. Estimated weight almost 2 kilos. This raised some concern about diabetes, so my blood glucose was tested.
The funny thing about the glucose test was that it was 4.8 again, same value as my sober test a few weeks ago. I know this doesn't quite mean I could have had breakfast then, but still. (but yay for super quick test results, no worrying over the weekend necessary)
Thyroid and blood pressure, all good. Placenta on the left, explains why I feel most kicks on the right.
Sometimes the kicks are so firm that DP asked if it didn't hurt me. No, I'm lucky so far. And we asked, there is no such thing as 'too much movement'.
Having bad days with zero concentration and back aches wasn't a concern apparently, she just said to enjoy the good days. Oh and what I thought was (bluish) bruising around my navel? Just increased blood supply...
And today (Friday) was a good day. Met up with the architect and some building inspection guy in the house we're hoping to buy. Just a precursory meeting, to smooth the way of permits being allowed. We'll need heaps of permits, as it is a world heritage building, but at least we're allowed to start preliminary work soon. While we were waiting I was chatting with the receptionist. At some point she remarked that there was no need for me to worry, as I was still so young, under 30 (?)
I'll blame my rosy shiny happy cheeks....

28 -29

Braxton Hicks, don't know why that didn't occur to me, thank you for pointing it out.
Drinking more seems a bit hard now. Getting food in my stomach is not a problem, but when I drink more than half a cup it feels like it wants to come back up.

My Sil gave me a whole bag of maternity clothes. Mostly summer clothes, but anyway. And at the last minute threw in some belly creams. I tried them all as my skin was getting sensitive, and ended up with itchy skin covered with little bumps. It took a while before I realised it might not be caused by the stretching of the skin, but by one of the new creams. Allergic, who would have thought. Back to the expensive oil I was using before, and the bumps were gone in a few days.
My navel has been on the rise since week 26. In 27 it was horizontal, since 28 I can see the edge rise, mm by mm. I must have bruised it somehow, it is so very sensitive and slightly blue.
Somehow it feels like I've gotten much bigger this week.
Or maybe it is that people at work have started to notice now. Or, feel they have enough evidence to say something. And since I'm struggling to open the heavy office doors, or get belly cramps when I walk up the stairs that I try to massage away, I think I stopped hiding my belly.
One of the DBAs said I don't have to hide anything. He surprised me, he never said anything personal before, and I always chalked it up to his Indian background.
One of the older guys suggested I had maybe swallowed a football? I agreed, saying I'm working on a 
skippy ball.
I don't know why, but I always thought I would have a ball-belly. So when the first 20something weeks I was just generally expanding between pelvic bone and breast bone I was vaguely surprised/disappointed (and at the same time laughing at myself) But the last weeks a ball-belly has been emerging.
Weirdest was going back to my favourite (normal) clothes store to ask for a December dress. They found something stretchy for me+belly that was elegant as well. And then complimented me on my beautiful belly...
Is that normal in other countries? I still think it is weird.

hiccups

In the train, on the way to our Dutch Santa/Sinterklaas celebration, I felt something move in my belly. More than once. Rythmic. Gentle. And after a while I thought that must be the first hiccups.
DP started smiling and said "don't move, I'll come sit next to you." And he could feel it too.

When exchanging gifts with all my cousins there were even two gifts (with poems) for the little one.
Also two cousins (34 and 27 y.o.) brought new girlfriends for the first time, so family is expanding quite muchly. 13 of us now, we started with just 8 in 2004. Was a lovely evening.

PS grasshopper is funny: as soon as I hit publish I can feel little hiccups again ;-)
 

27 weeks

I was late publishing my 23 week post, it is hidden here

For every check/appointment/scan during work hours I put something in DP's office calendar.
However, for the 27 weeks appointment (one that would actually be with a real gynaecologist) DP declined, saying he had something important at work.
I stomped off to HB, needing to blow off some steam about this (and to avoid saying anything to DP I would regret later). Before I even finished my sentence HB  had already blocked his own calendar. I didn't even have to ask.
So Tuesday we were in the hospital. I'm always early, don't want to have to rush.
But typically doctors are always late. We were told that thanks to one no-show our wait would only be 15 minutes. Turned 25, then 35 minutes. I know it doesn't mean anything, but it still makes me nervous. So I forgot to introduce HB to the doctor.
Doctor was happy with my latest blood test results, my thyroid levels have stabilised and she thought it was nonsense to test every month or even two weeks. Every trimester was fine with her, but if I preferred 6 weeks that was OK too.
Blood pressure still normal (120/70)
Then she decided to do a belly exam, I think mostly for the trainee doctor (young lady, gentle, with the longest hair) Trainee couldn't find the head of the baby, but she did determine baby was vertical. Doctor did a quick feel too and said baby was bum down, back to my left side, curving the head to the right again. Leaving hand and feet to make fun at my right side.
Then came one of the quickest scans ever. Look, upper leg, wait it is too short, must be an arm, moving down, big bundle of lower and upper legs all folded over. 5,3 cm. Then belly and head circumference, I think she mumbled something of 243 which could very well be millimetres and would correspond roughly with 8cm across for a circle. Heartbeat was fine, and lovely to hear again. We could also see a little stomach, quite black, so I think the amniotic fluid must be tasty. And there was loads of it too.
After the scan she quickly went over the numbers with me, remarking that baby's legs are long, just like mine and HB's. I was quite embarrassed to admit that neither one of us has a genetic relationship to this baby. But later it dawned on me that I don't have to keep denying any resemblance. Because a resemblance is just that, no one even said there was a genetic reason for that.
So from Tuesday on I have been answering that baby is fine, growing well, long legs, big belly and small head, Just Like Me.
The only concern I have is the hard belly I've been getting, basically since returning from Riga. It comes and goes, especially when I get up from a chair or try to run up stairs. I know that bit is normal and usually fades (1 minute or so), but sometimes it lasts much longer (15 minutes?) and I can hardly stand up straight anymore.
Doctor advised to make an appointment with the Occupational Health Doctor of my company, and suggested that doctor could advise on working less hours per day. I'll see how that goes, Monday.
And straight after that I'll have to join 3 colleagues for a Tuesday in the Stockholm office. Crazy.

So many bellies

A few weeks ago I got a yoga book from the library, for exercises safe during pregnancy. I looked at the pictures for the first part and thought: haha, look at that model, she's got a little belly!
(duh, so do I.) I looked at the second and third part, with big bellies and baby bumps for the yoga models, and was impressed you can still do so much. Then I looked at part four: exercises with baby.
WHAAATTTT? how is that part of pregnancy?! And then it dawned on me again that IF changes our view of what is normal, what is to be expected.

Like a colleague asked me if I wasn't afraid of the pain of giving birth. No not really{if I get that far that is pretty much a given}, I'm afraid of embryos/foetus/baby not surviving...

Tuesday was my first belly-yoga class.
I signed up together with the DE-IVF friend from the party, so I knew I wouldn't be the only older one there. ( and knowing that in my country the average age for first time pregnancies is 31, I wasn't really worried we'd be surrounded by 16-year-olds, but still)

 What I hadn't realised is that the due dates of the other ladies were all earlier than mine. In other words: my belly was just that, a belly, and they all had real baby bumps. And suddenly I felt panicky, like I was an imposter who didn't belong....

Riga

 Quite unexpectedly I found myself on a business trip to Riga, with my boss, our russian-latvian colleague and Lily, who had lived there in 2006.
This is sunrise from my hotel room. Big halls? to park your Zeppelin of course!

 We had some time before heading to the office, and Lily gave me a quick tour of the old city center. Even the commercial mural was pretty.

 Guild houses.

 And pretty towers. Shame that someone ran into my elbow here, it made me drop my phone on the cobble stones. Glass is a bit broken now. But it still works.
No pictures in the office, but to my West-European eyes people there look different. Most women on stiletto heels, most guys the straightest short strange mouse coloured hair.
After work the russian and the boss wanted to go drinking, but I had other plans.

At 6:45 PM I asked the kind lady at the hotel reception if she could tell me something about the ballet. She typed a little, and told us that if we left immediately we could just make it to the National Ballet around the corner. Kopelija. Tickets unbelievably cheap, and even just the theatre itself was worth it:

 

It is impossible to take proper pictures in the dark, but this may give you an idea:

You can even see a glimpse of the live orchestra below the stage!
We had a lovely ladies night out.
(and I was thinking of the famous 'Bolshoi do not tremble'. They were not the Bolshoi, but they were real people who managed not to look ridiculous in their costumes, which I can't say of the Bolshoi in this video. And they didn't need fake moustaches to look Russian!

In the plane on the way back there were babies both the row in front of me, and behind me. The one behind was so small it slept the whole way. The one in front only made a sound when his next bite of mushed banana wasn't coming fast enough. He enjoyed the banana so much he was waving/flapping his little arms and legs. And I felt an answer coming from my belly. I'm ever so slowly starting to believe it might become a take home baby next year.
Another new (to me) thing my bump told me loud and clear is to make sure I get enough sleep. After the return flight I tried to work the rest of the day in the Amsterdam office, but I could hardly stand upright with the bump getting tight and hard. Sleeping 12 hours in my own bed did a world of good.
Better get to that now!

TMI on a pregnant body

maybe you read this over at Stirrup Queens.
This line struck me:

You fit into the You-sized space you always fit into.
The one only you can fill.

My own Me-sized space. Even though my size changes every week, sometimes faster than I can comprehend.
So time for me to take note (and probably time for you to stop reading and continue to my Riga post with pretty pictures)
My belly is growing. I know, kind of obvious and logical for everyone else, but it keeps surprising me. It is real. And sometimes it moves.
My areolae are darker now. In summer they were as tan as my arms. Now my arms are lighter again. But while my tan will keep changing with the seasons, my areola will forever mark me as someone who was more than 20 weeks pregnant.
Gingival recession. sounds prettier than receding gums but is the same non-pretty thing. Wiki doesn't mention hormones at all, but pregnancy hormones make the gums weaker, less tight around my teeth, more sensitive to 'agressive' brushing, giving room to plaque bacteria. Not good for foetus, not good for teeth. While I can stop the local infections with proper and gentle brushing, tooth picking plus flossing, I'm not sure the recession can be reversed. Booh.
Linea nigra. linea light for now. never mind, will fade somewhere next year.
Vulva bla bla bigger. I couldn't hear the proper word for it, and googling it is sort of gross. But will return to normal eventually.
And while I'm down there, no sneezing, because it's just not staying dry anymore.
oh, and I cry from reading sad stories. sleepless even from the violence in shawshank redemption (didn't even make it to the end).
And out of breath trying to run up four flights of stairs.

mhm, and if I drink a full glass after I've eaten I have to be careful it stays down. Find it hard to get used to. But not drinking enough might invite the cramps back in (although I've had them only twice)

'Pret-echo'

23 weeks, October 23rd

In Dutch it is called a pret-echo, an ultrasound scan just for fun.
On Tuesday I took my mother along to a small clinic, so she could see the miracle for herself. I always think the blurry grainy scan pictures are only cute as a reminder of a scan, not necessarily cute by themselves.
My mother did enjoy the scan very much, enjoyed sharing the experience and the oh-s and ahh-s. 
I asked my friend Lily to come along as well, hoping she could take some little movies with my mom's camera. What I didn't realise was I would get more than just 6 pictures of our 15 minute appointment (like the website said), we actually got the whole scan on DVD. Including the sound of the heartbeat for about 10 seconds.


I remember when my brother was over the moon happy showing 3d scan pictures of my unborn nephew that my father was withdrawing, it was too much technology for him. (or so I thought)
So when the next day I dropped by my parent's to leave a copy of the DVD on my mothers apple computer I was a bit surprised he offered his own windows laptop after about 1 second of me trying in vain to work with hers.
It took some effort to get the file to play, and then the settings needed some tinkering. But we ended up watching the DVD about three times overall, with me explaining what I could about what we saw. And at last my father said it was beautiful...

The nice thing of the scan on my request was that I could also ask if the scan lady could still find the twin. She did. There is still a small sac visible, 1.5 cm across now. This little universe, built from the twins dna, dissolving, shrinking like a tiny private black hole now.

For a month now (Nov 23rd) I've been thinking of how to make this into some kind of goodbye. And ~surprise~ I can't really. It seems never enough or right. May made a final point (second half of that post) I can agree with. I'm not that angry at the moment, but sad.
I find myself dreaming of how to put it on the birth announcement, even if only for a few people. So hard to find the right words.
I don't allow myself much time for sadness, but this blog feels like the natural place to come back to it.
 

it's very pastelly yellow

Very pastelly yellow was my first thought when I saw it standing in my parents living room. I like the iron work, the curly feet, the wavy side. It looks, mhm, quite modern in a way. I will give it some time to see if I can get used to the fabric. Our current house is quite full already, and there are a lot of green little stars on the outside. Plus you can't see much of the iron this way. The inside is yellow with tiny white dots, much quieter.
On the other hand: I'm quite clumsy when it comes to fabric and sewing and such. Taking off the fabric  I could easily do, but getting something else back on? I have no idea how old or new this fabric is though, last baby in the crib was born 2006, the 3 before him late 90s, so probably less than 20 years...
Oh, when we arrived home there was one tiny detail: the top (bed) half didn't fit through the front door. (I wasn't kidding when I said the front door is smaller than your fridge door) The widest point of the crib-handles is only 69 cm, but it wouldn't fit. Luckily the neighbours arrived soon after us and were kind enough to let us use their front door / staircase / balcony. (and then on to our balcony)

{update: After one night I can say it is still so surreal to have this in our house. Like it is a prop for a play maybe}

Drama with stepteen refusing to see me and/or come to Amsterdam continues (It's been two months now). DP spent two male-only days with the boys for their autumn break at his parents place and the contact was perfectly normal. (But the topic was avoided) Now the Amsterdam kid weekends are only filled with his youngest son.

When DP was getting ready to drive the crib filled car from my parents' to our house his boy was suddenly keen to cycle back with me. He was fine in traffic and kept talking all the while.
Did I know what was strange? In fairy tales the stepmothers are always evil, but there are also some very lovely stepmothers. Oh, there is our bridge, here we turn right!

I think he was right on all accounts... (the thing is, we never refer to me as stepmother, we just use my name, so I'm slightly puzzled if this came out of the blue)

1880

It was the year 1880 and my great-great-grandmother unexpectedly gave birth to a baby. My great-great-grandfather was overjoyed and ordered a crib from a blacksmith for this occasion. This crib must have been reasonably solid, as it was passed down the generations. Can't remember if my mother slept in that crib as a newborn, but she could tell me that my brother and I did, as did some of her nephews and nieces. the youngest of whom is 27 now. In the mean time this crib has been in a different branch of the family, which my mother got in contact with. Next week the crib will be delivered back to her. She reckons she probably kept the sheets for the crib. For more than 40 years? 'Well, they are only small' she said.
I will not be passing down any dna, but I'm so very happy and grateful to hopefully have a chance to pass down this tradition. And the most amazing thing? my favourite baby name that I've been savouring for years, was also given to this baby in 1880...