Shopping

My mother told me that as a kid I always dragged her into the Mothercare store so I could push around the prams (but I can't remember).
As a student I loved to browse through baby aisles of warehouses, and my favourite gift was to pick out baby socks, just because they were so small.
As an infertile it became a nightmare to be in a shop surrounded by baby items.
Last week I decided I really couldn't put it off any longer to buy a flexible bra. I'd done some research online to find a shop that should carry the size I needed. I went in (in a baby/mother shop), but by the time I reached the back wall with the bras (had to pass multiple aisles with baby clothes) I was already in a mild panic. Bought two as quickly as I could without trying them on.
At home I saw I bought nursing bras. Can hardly express how embarrassed I was. Or how much I dreaded going back. (yes, in my mind it is still impossible to buy things only needed in a certain kind of future) In the end my colleague Lily decided we could go together during lunch break, as it would probably be quieter than on the weekend. She was right, the store was deserted, and she calmly helped me pick not only the right size but the right item as well. (Plus riding with her on the tandem was both great fun and a nice distraction)

On Saturday I asked my mother to go shopping with me for pants I can keep wearing to work. I wanted black pants that say 'nothing to see here, move right along'
Normally she is very good at being pleasant with the sales people while giving me little nods of approval or tiny shakes of no. This time she kept encouraging me to try more things on and in the end she liked almost everything, so I ended up with 6 items that all mix and match and will get me through winter.
I think my mother enjoyed it very much, being surrounded by maternity clothes and talking with the sales lady. (she may even have toned down her outward enthusiasm for me)
22 weeks today and I still find it weird and hard to believe. It's only 5 kilo's difference and so far only 1 person has come up to me to ask if I was just getting a little belly or pregnant.

Growing just fine

Big scan was all OK.
It was quite a difference being scanned by a ultrasound technician instead of a midwife. This lady wasn't interested at all in any waving of arms or legs! (or me for that matter)
All kinds of organs were looked at, brains, skin, bones. Nothing out of the ordinary, so yippee.
It was lovely to see DP glued to the screen, his face shining. Even though most of the time we had no real idea what we were seeing, (e.g. I couldn't tell the difference between the inside of the belly and the inside of the head) half of the time the little one was moving and that is something we understand.

At the end I asked if she could find the other sac, but she said she saw nothing. didn't really give the impression she even wanted to look for it, was running late even at 10 AM. I was a bit sad to not have a somewhat final goodbye. Or maybe just the feeling that the other one doesn't matter at all anymore is what hurts.

DP was eager to get back to the office, but once we got there (11:40 AM) I just couldn't bring myself to go inside. My boss had informed the team, my colleague Lily had texted that reactions were quiet and happy, but I needed some more time. I got HB to join me outside for lunch. Oh we found out the gender, but DP wants to keep that private. The thing is that HB sees right through me, so while I only said that everything is OK HB already knew. ah well, he will keep it to himself. He just might have to be the godfather of this little one.

What else?
Loads of things happening.
On Mondays yoga and orchestra rehearsal.
Wednesdays an evening course of 10 evenings (work, mandatory) to learn about Plesiochronous Digital Hierarchies, Wavelength Division Multiplexing and other things I never wanted to know about.
Thursdays bootcamp.
And some stepkid drama going on. I'm thinking it's his age, 13, he is thinking it's me (and my sarcasm).
I find it hard to blog about it, and equally hard not to. I suppose the good news is that DP is quite rational about it and not blaming me but standing by my side, but as long as the stepteen isn't rational and refuses to come for the weekend DP misses out on his son (and son on his father) It makes for rather silent evenings around here.

HB left today for another diving trip in Egypt. I feel guilty for not going (no mixing scuba and grasshoppers), for not being there as his buddy. More in the emotional sense than actual practical scuba. Thinking he might need me. A shoulder to cry on when/if he finally allows himself to miss his parents. Although I'm afraid I need him more (and his shoulder). Scared of not being on the same wavelength.
ah, phone beeps, my text messages are finally getting delivered to HB, so this means that at least his phone got safely off the plane.
Always so reassuring to get a sign of life. Whether it is small beeps or little blubs from below.

Take care.

Dear Aunty Lizzie

She answered!

And of course her answer is both wise and funny.
Good news only then.
I agreed with my boss he would tell the team while I'm away to get my big scan this Wednesday.
Such simple solutions.

(I think I can still hide my belly for a little while though. Plus people see me eating candy all the time, so might not be surprised to see me grow ;-)

updated: Apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't want to tell coworkers. And judging by the sheer number of reactions and the post itself it's a hot topic. I guess much depends on what kind of reaction and support you can expect from colleagues... 

4:56 AM

Yesterday was a good day.
Weather was fine, not cold yet, not wet. An excellent day for walking, so I joined the BFG on the big walking tour (Dam to Dam) from Amsterdam to Zaandam, 26 km. (16 miles)
Proud as a peacock I went home, with very sore calves.
My cousin (who knows about these things) advised to drink lots of fluids and to keep moving. Also massaging and warm bath/shower. I discovered quickly that he was right: sitting still, even with my legs up made them hurt more. (Massaging was too painful)

This motivated me enough to go to a birthday party of some friends who have been through a long IF journey. When the invite came a couple of weeks ago I had very carefully asked if they wouldn't hurt having a pregnant guest, and straight away I got the answer I would be more than welcome as they were finally expecting as well. They are 6 weeks ahead of us. At the party I found out they had gone the same route we did! Another friend of them was most pregnant, and somehow we spend most of the evening comparing treatments and bellies. Strange relief to be among a DE-IVF majority. And I left with two pairs of pants.

This morning I think it happened. 4:56 AM. I think I felt something moving...A little blub?. Of course it could be gas. it could be a muscle twitch. it could be my own heartbeat that sometimes resonates in my belly. it could even be my imagination. But I'm hoping it was a sign of life from the grasshopper.
So I'm sitting really still on the sofa, hoping it will happen again. Hoping the magic will capture me (and protect us) 

Telling....

DP and I don't quite agree on who to tell when and what.
We work at the same company, different departments, different jobs, opposite side of the building. And this Monday he shared the happy news with his team. Then we had our lunch walk where he forgot to mention this. So when he ran off to a meeting and I wandered onto his floor to put the leftovers in the fridge, there were happy faces saying Congratulations!! I stared at them blankly and mute. They filled me in, I blurted out that DP could have warned me, blabbered about things not being so easy and fled.
DP strongly suggested I tell my team too.
Then I read womb4improvement asking for more agony aunt questions.
I've been reading her blog for a long time, this year she was pregnant with twins, first losing one, two weeks later losing the other (at 6 & 8 weeks) and now I wrote her. She replied she will post her answer next Monday. Have to admit I'm looking forward to it. Even if she makes light of it (maybe that will help me lighten up too)

Part of me thinks it's nobodies business. Thinks people will see it any day now, no need to talk about it too. (I gained almost 4 kilo since May)
I just want work to be a place to work, not  somewhere I need to guard myself against the 'think positive' comments (as if the one twin didn't make it because of what I thought, or didn't think)

It's Still Alive!

it was even waving at us

;-)

still grasshopping, still growing, still heartbeating.

later today : now that some tension is gone I'm getting so tired.... will be a good night of sleep I hope.
What can I still remember from the scan.
- the head was measured, and found ok for 14w3d
- the placenta seemed very big thick and woolly
- there were soooo many tiny vertebrae
- we could see a little arm waving with the smallest left hand I have ever seen. The image was frozen for me so I could count to 5 and they were all there.

We asked if she could see if it was a boy or  girl yet, and she tried, even got a view of two legs but with the fuzz there was nothing obvious. (So now I'm reassured that the little one doesn't have a very large penis, we would have seen it then and it would have been slightly freaky)

After the scan, the midwife went through some questions, probably all standard stuff, but quite alien to me. Had we arranged 'kraamzorg' already (maternity care? postnatal care?)
erhm, no, I was most interested in finding out if the grasshopper was still alive.
Was I planning on breastfeeding? what? why are they even asking? this year I plan on feeding little one through the umbilical cord me thinks.
I explained I was not quite over the shock of one twin trying to vanish. (it is still visible, still in a little sac) Then she said she understood, and made a note in my file so I can come in any time to listen to the heartbeat to reassure the survivor is still hanging on. Very kind and thoughtful (almost un-dutch to let someone come in without medical necessity)

Oh , and I'm allowed to exercise again, with moderation. Yay for stress release! and better fitness might come in handy next year.

I find I'm getting emotional. Not sure if it is the change in hormones, today i can stop taking my superdose of progesterone and will remove estrogen patches shortly, so don't know if the net effect will be more or less hormones.
Thinking of all your little ones that I know of that vanished and getting a bit sad again. Wishing you will soon be at least as lucky as I seem to be now. While some questions freak me out, none of them are as hard to answer as the ' and now what' of IF.
hugs

O well

After worrying so much, Saturday morning telling the boys wasn't so bad.
I was prepared for no interest at all, for just self-centered questions about bedrooms, but the boys mostly wanted to know if it would be a boy or a girl.
During the rest of the weekend some questions trickled in, nothing much.

It was only after DP had brought them back home that the bomb went off: his ex didn't take the news well to put it gently.
So now it was DP who had a sleepless night about it.

(I managed to be a bit more supportive than saying told you so.)

I'm sorry for DP he misjudged the situation, sorry for the boys their parents fight again, can only hope they never noticed since it was a text message war, and glad that it is none of my business.

Just counting the days till the scan on Friday, curious if the little one is still alive.

Telling the boys?

Last week DP was on the phone with his brother, and at some point told him about our success with our Spanish IVF. A little while later I realised he just shared the good news part of the story. No mention of twins or the vanishing thereof. Instead his SIL came on the phone and within 30 seconds I heard DP say we were not planning a home birth. (?!)
Had to leave the room at that point.

This Tuesday DP mentioned he would be picking up the boys on Friday and that he thought it would be time to tell them. My first upset was that I didn't even know they would be here again a weekend earlier than expected (AND two consecutive weekends because of family stuff happening end of August)
Then I spend lying awake at night worrying how to deal with this.
I've tried saying 'no, I'm not ready'  We tried discussing it quietly. Yesterday we fought about it. And I lost the fight. Big time. I even have to be there. Saturday morning.
In my mind there is no point in telling the kids before I start showing. When you're 9 and 13 years old February is a long way away (as is the skill of empathy). And I have this feeling DP doesn't want to share the fact that things can go wrong, could already have gone wrong since the last scan three weeks ago (or have gone wrong 5 weeks ago).
But DP insists it is only fair, since he told his brother, so it's time to tell close family. DP kept repeating that what I wanted (not telling) is not an option and that I should make clear what I want. I have no idea how to find middle ground in a discussion like that, so I gave up. Figuring that if we do what DP wants at least one of us is happy. And I said DP is going to be single point of contact for the boys from then on and has to answer any questions/deal with any upset/jealousy/disagreement/enthusiasm.

The only relief is that I was planning on meeting up with An on Saturday on the beach and HB on Sunday.

Little twin things that will never happen...

Right after the first scan that told us about the twins I had a twin-mom-friend on the phone. We were laughing and cheering and couldn't believe our luck. She offered her twin stroller for sale and I said I'd be happy to buy it a bit later on.

Out of the blue HB said I shouldn't buy a double stroller and block the aisles in the supermarket, that he hated that. Only to continue that I would never do that because it wouldn't fit through my front door. {He's got a point, our front door is the size of your fridge door}

There is a design baby stuff store around the corner, and in the window they have a double decker stroller that looks very small (and foldable). And I stopped to look at it through the window.

When meeting up with lostintranslation she brought me a gift for the twins, matching onesies, as encouragement for them to grow into and for me to hold on to hope...

And now it is so hard to let go of that hope, that dream of twins.
Despite the other one (probably, still) growing I just don't dare to start hoping again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 2012 thoughts on this....
 My father is a bit of a shy, or maybe I should say modest man. He would never say it is his turn to hold the baby. With twins I would have been able to give each grandparent a grandchild to hold (and i still have that picture in my mind...)

Hourglass

Was all clothing oversized in the eighties? By the end of the eighties my body had morphed into something I didn't understand. I think my sizes were close to what some proclaim as 'ideal', the 90-60-90 hourglass model, and so very tall too. But I was convinced it was not ideal at all: impossible to find jeans that fit in the waist, my mom was forever altering them for me (put elastic band in and tighten to size) And boobs with cup DD were stupid in my eyes, most inconvenient for sports and, well, people stare at them, which I found highly embarrassing... So hiding in oversized clothing was the fashion for me.
Early nineties the boobs calmed down to D, later C (and all the extra shape moved down)
And slowly I learned to appreciate my body for other qualities than athletic ones.
It took till this millennium though before I would dress in anything tight fitting. (made a lot easier having flattened down to B) And that is the era I bought my office clothes in.
But this week I couldn't button my blouse to the top. And I realised that the older bras were fitting much better than the newer ones.
Ahem.
I feel slightly odd wearing lingerie picked by boyfriends from a distant past, all lacy and shiny.
I bet you wouldn't be surprised to learn DP has a no-frills approach ;-)
Grateful for another symptom though. Because 'being tired' doesn't tell me much, not in combination with the thyroid circus going on.

http://www.arkhipoff.com/paint/hour_glass_for_eternity.htm

And I much appreciate the irony of the return of the hourglass while I'm waiting to see where this will take me.