Last week DP was on the phone with his brother, and at some point told him about our success with our Spanish IVF. A little while later I realised he just shared the good news part of the story. No mention of twins or the vanishing thereof. Instead his SIL came on the phone and within 30 seconds I heard DP say we were not planning a home birth. (?!)
Had to leave the room at that point.
This Tuesday DP mentioned he would be picking up the boys on Friday and that he thought it would be time to tell them. My first upset was that I didn't even know they would be here again a weekend earlier than expected (AND two consecutive weekends because of family stuff happening end of August)
Then I spend lying awake at night worrying how to deal with this.
I've tried saying 'no, I'm not ready' We tried discussing it quietly. Yesterday we fought about it. And I lost the fight. Big time. I even have to be there. Saturday morning.
In my mind there is no point in telling the kids before I start showing. When you're 9 and 13 years old February is a long way away (as is the skill of empathy). And I have this feeling DP doesn't want to share the fact that things can go wrong, could already have gone wrong since the last scan three weeks ago (or have gone wrong 5 weeks ago).
But DP insists it is only fair, since he told his brother, so it's time to tell close family. DP kept repeating that what I wanted (not telling) is not an option and that I should make clear what I want. I have no idea how to find middle ground in a discussion like that, so I gave up. Figuring that if we do what DP wants at least one of us is happy. And I said DP is going to be single point of contact for the boys from then on and has to answer any questions/deal with any upset/jealousy/disagreement/enthusiasm.
The only relief is that I was planning on meeting up with An on Saturday on the beach and HB on Sunday.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Little twin things that will never happen...
Right after the first scan that told us about the twins I had a twin-mom-friend on the phone. We were laughing and cheering and couldn't believe our luck. She offered her twin stroller for sale and I said I'd be happy to buy it a bit later on.
Out of the blue HB said I shouldn't buy a double stroller and block the aisles in the supermarket, that he hated that. Only to continue that I would never do that because it wouldn't fit through my front door. {He's got a point, our front door is the size of your fridge door}
There is a design baby stuff store around the corner, and in the window they have a double decker stroller that looks very small (and foldable). And I stopped to look at it through the window.
When meeting up with lostintranslation she brought me a gift for the twins, matching onesies, as encouragement for them to grow into and for me to hold on to hope...
And now it is so hard to let go of that hope, that dream of twins.
Despite the other one (probably, still) growing I just don't dare to start hoping again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 2012 thoughts on this....
My father is a bit of a shy, or maybe I should say modest man. He would never say it is his turn to hold the baby. With twins I would have been able to give each grandparent a grandchild to hold (and i still have that picture in my mind...)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Hourglass
Was all clothing oversized in the eighties? By the end of the eighties my body had morphed into something I didn't understand. I think my sizes were close to what some proclaim as 'ideal', the 90-60-90 hourglass model, and so very tall too. But I was convinced it was not ideal at all: impossible to find jeans that fit in the waist, my mom was forever altering them for me (put elastic band in and tighten to size) And boobs with cup DD were stupid in my eyes, most inconvenient for sports and, well, people stare at them, which I found highly embarrassing... So hiding in oversized clothing was the fashion for me.
Early nineties the boobs calmed down to D, later C (and all the extra shape moved down)
And slowly I learned to appreciate my body for other qualities than athletic ones.
It took till this millennium though before I would dress in anything tight fitting. (made a lot easier having flattened down to B) And that is the era I bought my office clothes in.
But this week I couldn't button my blouse to the top. And I realised that the older bras were fitting much better than the newer ones.
Ahem.
I feel slightly odd wearing lingerie picked by boyfriends from a distant past, all lacy and shiny.
I bet you wouldn't be surprised to learn DP has a no-frills approach ;-)
Grateful for another symptom though. Because 'being tired' doesn't tell me much, not in combination with the thyroid circus going on.
And I much appreciate the irony of the return of the hourglass while I'm waiting to see where this will take me.
Early nineties the boobs calmed down to D, later C (and all the extra shape moved down)
And slowly I learned to appreciate my body for other qualities than athletic ones.
It took till this millennium though before I would dress in anything tight fitting. (made a lot easier having flattened down to B) And that is the era I bought my office clothes in.
But this week I couldn't button my blouse to the top. And I realised that the older bras were fitting much better than the newer ones.
Ahem.
I feel slightly odd wearing lingerie picked by boyfriends from a distant past, all lacy and shiny.
I bet you wouldn't be surprised to learn DP has a no-frills approach ;-)
Grateful for another symptom though. Because 'being tired' doesn't tell me much, not in combination with the thyroid circus going on.
 |
| http://www.arkhipoff.com/paint/hour_glass_for_eternity.htm |
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Relief
All was well with the survivor....
The bigger little one almost doubled in size these past two weeks, the smaller little one was still there and had shrunk only a little. A small quiet little blob. I´m grateful that DP got to see it too, and in some weird way find it comforting it´s still there.
The bigger little one seems to have drunk some grasshopper juice and wanted to show it was very much alive. DP insisted it looked human already, the sonographer lady/obstetrician/verloskundige was busy pointing out legs and arms (wait, what, where did they come from? they weren't there last time?) and it would hop away again before she could finish her sentence.
According to her the chances of anything happening to the bigger one are very small now. Or at least the chances of me not noticing anything at all. But of course not impossible till 16 weeks....
We got some printed pictures, and DP thinks it pure magic. I find them a bit scary, it looks like you can see part of the skull I think. Not cute at all. So I won't post them here (but I'll append them after the pictures of the double lines.)
When I asked after my blood test results she did check, and said everything looked 'normal'.
Then I specifically asked for my TSH, and it was 4.0 yeah, I know, within normal range. But last time it was 4.4 (also normal) and Spain said to increase my thyroid medication and it doesn't seem to have much of an effect if it only dropped to 4.0 My dr Google degree says I want it to be more like 2.5 max. But I'm going to have to find a doctor here who supports that. Careful with this link, apparently about.com doesn't know not to place big belly pictures for first trimester guidelines.
Plus I think the verloskundige/ OB? isn't a doctor that can prescribe medication anyway.
Soo, I still need to advocate for my medication, but the next scan is in 4 weeks already.
Tonight I'll try to dream of the bigger little one being so very alive (and the smaller little one still keeping it company)
Thanks for thinking of me, it's been a rough two weeks. (DP even said today he had missed me)
(And I'll hit publish before the battery runs out!)
Update:
More Relief.
this (Friday) morning I called the hospital back, this time asking people at reception for my blood test results. They went and chased a gynaecologist for me, called me back saying that indeed the gyn wants my TSH below 2 and will fax my prescription to the pharmacy this very same morning. Thank you....
The bigger little one almost doubled in size these past two weeks, the smaller little one was still there and had shrunk only a little. A small quiet little blob. I´m grateful that DP got to see it too, and in some weird way find it comforting it´s still there.
The bigger little one seems to have drunk some grasshopper juice and wanted to show it was very much alive. DP insisted it looked human already, the sonographer lady/obstetrician/verloskundige was busy pointing out legs and arms (wait, what, where did they come from? they weren't there last time?) and it would hop away again before she could finish her sentence.
According to her the chances of anything happening to the bigger one are very small now. Or at least the chances of me not noticing anything at all. But of course not impossible till 16 weeks....
We got some printed pictures, and DP thinks it pure magic. I find them a bit scary, it looks like you can see part of the skull I think. Not cute at all. So I won't post them here (but I'll append them after the pictures of the double lines.)
When I asked after my blood test results she did check, and said everything looked 'normal'.
Then I specifically asked for my TSH, and it was 4.0 yeah, I know, within normal range. But last time it was 4.4 (also normal) and Spain said to increase my thyroid medication and it doesn't seem to have much of an effect if it only dropped to 4.0 My dr Google degree says I want it to be more like 2.5 max. But I'm going to have to find a doctor here who supports that. Careful with this link, apparently about.com doesn't know not to place big belly pictures for first trimester guidelines.
Plus I think the verloskundige/ OB? isn't a doctor that can prescribe medication anyway.
Soo, I still need to advocate for my medication, but the next scan is in 4 weeks already.
Tonight I'll try to dream of the bigger little one being so very alive (and the smaller little one still keeping it company)
Thanks for thinking of me, it's been a rough two weeks. (DP even said today he had missed me)
(And I'll hit publish before the battery runs out!)
Update:
More Relief.
this (Friday) morning I called the hospital back, this time asking people at reception for my blood test results. They went and chased a gynaecologist for me, called me back saying that indeed the gyn wants my TSH below 2 and will fax my prescription to the pharmacy this very same morning. Thank you....
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Waiting for Thursday
Two more nights till the next scan... and I'm quietly terrified.
Even if it is good news for the remaining one, it's still just not the same.
Today in the library I browsed the pregnancy section but couldn't pick anything. I haven't looked in the embryo picture book. Somehow I find it all too much confrontation.
Four days ago (on Saturday) we returned home. On Sunday I took refuge at HB's. When he asked me if I would try to escape the boys for this week by going to work I realised I'm not ready to go back to work.
I did have some practice in telling people though. On Thursday my brother called and he was very sad for me. On Friday my mother joined us for one day of cycling, and I told her when I picked her up from the station. While she was sad with me for a while she also kept asking questions, even asking what medical preparation I had done to get ready before transfer... I managed not to snap at her nor tell her to get a book from the library.
O well, I suppose I'm angry and have nowhere to direct that anger. I snap easily at the boys (how hard can it be to use fork and knife for eating your dinner for heaven's sake. 9 & 13 and I've run out of patience. Never mind)
DP did ask if we had good news on Thursday if I would be scared again on Friday. I couldn't even reassure him I wouldn't. I suppose physically there are no signs of things not right. But since there weren't any signs two weeks ago.... O well, sad and scared. And waiting for Thursday...
Even if it is good news for the remaining one, it's still just not the same.
Today in the library I browsed the pregnancy section but couldn't pick anything. I haven't looked in the embryo picture book. Somehow I find it all too much confrontation.
Four days ago (on Saturday) we returned home. On Sunday I took refuge at HB's. When he asked me if I would try to escape the boys for this week by going to work I realised I'm not ready to go back to work.
I did have some practice in telling people though. On Thursday my brother called and he was very sad for me. On Friday my mother joined us for one day of cycling, and I told her when I picked her up from the station. While she was sad with me for a while she also kept asking questions, even asking what medical preparation I had done to get ready before transfer... I managed not to snap at her nor tell her to get a book from the library.
O well, I suppose I'm angry and have nowhere to direct that anger. I snap easily at the boys (how hard can it be to use fork and knife for eating your dinner for heaven's sake. 9 & 13 and I've run out of patience. Never mind)
DP did ask if we had good news on Thursday if I would be scared again on Friday. I couldn't even reassure him I wouldn't. I suppose physically there are no signs of things not right. But since there weren't any signs two weeks ago.... O well, sad and scared. And waiting for Thursday...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Round and round
We've been cycling for a week now. The monotony is soothing. Only crying on the inside now. On the outside I'm a bit of a grumpy person I suppose, but people leave me alone and I need that.
I've tried to talk to DP a bit. But, as always, people react in different ways. I think he needs to focus on his boys now. While I wish he would hold me more without me having to ask he is moving on, afraid to get stuck in the moment. At least, that is how it feels to me now.
I'm a bit scared. I no longer have that full bladder feeling. The burst of spots on my face has cleared up. I'm not nearly as tired as before. I have no idea if the other one is still holding on. If I can loose one without much of a fuss, without reason, I might not even notice if the other follows. I've been the 1 in a 1000 woman before...
The weirdest thing about leaving on our trip right after the scan is that I haven't had to face anyone, and haven't told anyone in real life. (Well, HB picked me up from the hospital, but he is the kind of person who comforts first and waits for the story)
I'm trying to remember who knew there were two. My brother knows but I haven't told him now. It seems harder over the phone somehow and he is in London most of the time. DP told his parents about the twins but hasn't spoken with them since. (his parents weren't even surprised about twins. Wondering if they are equally cool about losing one. His father was hoping for a girl, already having 4 grandsons. I don't know, it's not that they don't care, they just handle emotions so very differently)
So, I'm wondering whether or not to tell people. If I don't people might not understand my worry. If I do I have no idea how people will react.
Then again, this is mostly a moot point. I have another week off work, and in that week will be the next scan. I'll see then if there is any story left to tell.
And after all those thoughts I keep getting back to the other little one. With our donor being anonymous it might have been such a great source of comfort to be with two. Where the most special thing about you is that you were one of twins, more than some exotic complicated technical story. Plus of course the realisation this may have been my only shot at having two kids.
O well, not sure if this counts as coping, self pity or denial. Sorry if this is not very coherent.... Just my thoughts going round and round....
I've tried to talk to DP a bit. But, as always, people react in different ways. I think he needs to focus on his boys now. While I wish he would hold me more without me having to ask he is moving on, afraid to get stuck in the moment. At least, that is how it feels to me now.
I'm a bit scared. I no longer have that full bladder feeling. The burst of spots on my face has cleared up. I'm not nearly as tired as before. I have no idea if the other one is still holding on. If I can loose one without much of a fuss, without reason, I might not even notice if the other follows. I've been the 1 in a 1000 woman before...
The weirdest thing about leaving on our trip right after the scan is that I haven't had to face anyone, and haven't told anyone in real life. (Well, HB picked me up from the hospital, but he is the kind of person who comforts first and waits for the story)
I'm trying to remember who knew there were two. My brother knows but I haven't told him now. It seems harder over the phone somehow and he is in London most of the time. DP told his parents about the twins but hasn't spoken with them since. (his parents weren't even surprised about twins. Wondering if they are equally cool about losing one. His father was hoping for a girl, already having 4 grandsons. I don't know, it's not that they don't care, they just handle emotions so very differently)
So, I'm wondering whether or not to tell people. If I don't people might not understand my worry. If I do I have no idea how people will react.
Then again, this is mostly a moot point. I have another week off work, and in that week will be the next scan. I'll see then if there is any story left to tell.
And after all those thoughts I keep getting back to the other little one. With our donor being anonymous it might have been such a great source of comfort to be with two. Where the most special thing about you is that you were one of twins, more than some exotic complicated technical story. Plus of course the realisation this may have been my only shot at having two kids.
O well, not sure if this counts as coping, self pity or denial. Sorry if this is not very coherent.... Just my thoughts going round and round....
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
There really wasn't much difference between the two little ones this morning. One slightly smaller than the other one, measuring 8w2d and 8w3d. (while I think the fertilisation was 8w1d ago, a Tuesday then, a Wednesday today) Except the little one had very little fluid around it. And no heartbeat. No circulation.
I thought I would only have a quick consult to get my thyroid medication sorted. But the new lady doctor had done her homework with the information she had and was asking me many questions to get my file complete. And after half hour she asked if she could do a scan. DP was home with the boys but I didn't really think about it too much and said yes, eager for an extra chance to see my little ones.
Part of me feels like this was bound to happen, that my dream couldn't have lasted in the real world. My secret dream of twins. How do you say in English? in my heart of hearts?
And then, suddenly I was afraid to tell DP. Afraid he would be relieved. But of course he was just as shocked as I was.
There was no reason for this to go wrong, no other than 'this happens sometimes'.
I don't know how to not be afraid
for the other one. I'm so sad, so scared. Curling up in a ball under the blankets doesn't help, tea and chocolate seem less comfort than they used to. Only crying feels right..
Such strange conversations in my head. Because the littlest one is still there. Still with me. Will likely become one with me. Oh little one, how come you've grown so much but your heart isn't beating? will you keep growing a little more? will you stay like this a while? Slowly fade into your surroundings? Will I see something on the next scan? Did you not know how much I care for you?
Rationally I would expect myself to have mixed feelings, but today I'm so sad it hurts my stomach... Rationally I know the bigger little one is doing OK. Rationally I'll keep following my medication schedule. Rationally I know I will be OK.
I didn't even know I could miss a second little one this much....
I thought I would only have a quick consult to get my thyroid medication sorted. But the new lady doctor had done her homework with the information she had and was asking me many questions to get my file complete. And after half hour she asked if she could do a scan. DP was home with the boys but I didn't really think about it too much and said yes, eager for an extra chance to see my little ones.
Part of me feels like this was bound to happen, that my dream couldn't have lasted in the real world. My secret dream of twins. How do you say in English? in my heart of hearts?
And then, suddenly I was afraid to tell DP. Afraid he would be relieved. But of course he was just as shocked as I was.
There was no reason for this to go wrong, no other than 'this happens sometimes'.
I don't know how to not be afraid
for the other one. I'm so sad, so scared. Curling up in a ball under the blankets doesn't help, tea and chocolate seem less comfort than they used to. Only crying feels right..
Such strange conversations in my head. Because the littlest one is still there. Still with me. Will likely become one with me. Oh little one, how come you've grown so much but your heart isn't beating? will you keep growing a little more? will you stay like this a while? Slowly fade into your surroundings? Will I see something on the next scan? Did you not know how much I care for you?
Rationally I would expect myself to have mixed feelings, but today I'm so sad it hurts my stomach... Rationally I know the bigger little one is doing OK. Rationally I'll keep following my medication schedule. Rationally I know I will be OK.
I didn't even know I could miss a second little one this much....
Just One
unexpected scan this morning when I went in to get my thyroid medication adjusted.
Just one heartbeat........
Just one heartbeat........
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Mixed Signals and Symbols
On Scary Saturday I reverted to polar bears for comfort. But now week and a half later, I realise I had chosen Knut as a symbol of the child we will never have. And that, maybe, now that that last scan was OK I could try to hold on to Toro Patudo again, souvenir from Spain. Toro is so playful with its coloured feet, cheerful. Hopeful.
Maybe it was passing that 7 week mark where it went wrong the other time, that was hard to believe, and even harder to be playful about. That other time I felt absolutely dreadful the whole weekend. And then the cramps started and it was all over.
Now a bit fearful for everything that feels out of the ordinary. What is this twinge left side? Why does my bladder feel so weird? How come lower belly is so sensitive? Feeling more tired everyday makes me more worried everyday. The two dutch twin-mom-blog-readers have been doing a great job at reassuring me this is part of this package deal.Even though it feels like mixed signals to me. Still tired though...
And then came the thyroid. No wonder I was getting so tired. I have some medication of 25 mg left over, I'm taking that over the weekend, the initial lower dose. And I feel a bit better for it already (or want to believe I do). Even if on Monday I get prescribed the 50 mg I still get to get there in smaller steps.
The boys are excited about the bike trip. I'm happy about that, happy they didn't go blah why can't we go abroad. The younger one even made victory sounds and signs when we told him we will sleep in a castle the first night. And take a look:
Wouldn't you want to stay there? You can...
Maybe it was passing that 7 week mark where it went wrong the other time, that was hard to believe, and even harder to be playful about. That other time I felt absolutely dreadful the whole weekend. And then the cramps started and it was all over.
Now a bit fearful for everything that feels out of the ordinary. What is this twinge left side? Why does my bladder feel so weird? How come lower belly is so sensitive? Feeling more tired everyday makes me more worried everyday. The two dutch twin-mom-blog-readers have been doing a great job at reassuring me this is part of this package deal.Even though it feels like mixed signals to me. Still tired though...
And then came the thyroid. No wonder I was getting so tired. I have some medication of 25 mg left over, I'm taking that over the weekend, the initial lower dose. And I feel a bit better for it already (or want to believe I do). Even if on Monday I get prescribed the 50 mg I still get to get there in smaller steps.
The boys are excited about the bike trip. I'm happy about that, happy they didn't go blah why can't we go abroad. The younger one even made victory sounds and signs when we told him we will sleep in a castle the first night. And take a look:
Friday, July 6, 2012
bouncing
Email from Spain.
I had sent them my latest blood test results:
June 29 after stopping the Eutirox
TSH 4.4 ml/L
T4 free 12 pmol/L
My doctor not yet available they asked someone else: take the Eutirox again, but now 50 instead of the 25 I was taking at first and the zero after that.
Dear doctor, my thyroid is not a rubber ball. Don't start bouncing it around. I don't like it and I'm sure the little ones are less than thrilled.
My mission for Monday is to get myself a gynaecologist who knows what to do with thyroids, antibodies and first trimester. I prefer balancing to bouncing.
I discovered a wee bit of spotting again. I know that this weekend I can do no more than rest and get my paperwork ready. But o dear, hormones + fatigue + worry simply do not equal
I had sent them my latest blood test results:
June 29 after stopping the Eutirox
TSH 4.4 ml/L
T4 free 12 pmol/L
My doctor not yet available they asked someone else: take the Eutirox again, but now 50 instead of the 25 I was taking at first and the zero after that.
Dear doctor, my thyroid is not a rubber ball. Don't start bouncing it around. I don't like it and I'm sure the little ones are less than thrilled.
My mission for Monday is to get myself a gynaecologist who knows what to do with thyroids, antibodies and first trimester. I prefer balancing to bouncing.
I discovered a wee bit of spotting again. I know that this weekend I can do no more than rest and get my paperwork ready. But o dear, hormones + fatigue + worry simply do not equal
'just relax'
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