Bye BambiEyes

Last Friday was already my last meeting with BambiEyes. She is cutting back her hours because she was feeling out of breath.
I wasn't sure what our agenda should be for our last meeting, but I felt that a bit of a recap was in order.

Thinking back over two and a half years she concluded that the initial crisis is over, that I started to grieve now. I may not have shared much about the debt of the crisis, or of the specifics. -Remember that the infertility and crisis came first, then came BambiEyes, and only then the beginning of this blog- But with me being a flighter my urge to flee was strong. Away from DP, when he didn't seem to share my dream anymore, when he couldn't fix our broken future. It may have been two years that every day I felt I would leave tomorrow. 2011 was different. More sad maybe, but less angry, less destructive. Now, 2012 I've started this new life. Full time job, yoga, orchestra. It feels all new and shiny and fake. Why fake? BambiEyes asked. Well, because I still lost my little knut, couldn't light a candle in front of family or tell DP about that. Still not sure how to connect that loss to our future. So we talked about that too.
When I got home I held on tight to DP, half crying telling him that I'm afraid he'll forget. Forget Barcelona? he asked. No, our little knutsy. Of course he wouldn't forget he said.
We didn't make plans straight away of how to make sure we remember. Maybe we'll go to the beach again on June 14th. We could also pick a date that has to do with the actual pregnancy/miscarriage, don't know yet. We could do all of them. When I told DP about my idea of lighting a candle he wasn't so sure. Not sure we (he? or I?) wanted to share with so many people...
I just googled polar bear candles, and the one i liked i could order from china, just $1. Minimum shipment 2000 though. That would keep me lighting a candle a day for the next five and a half years... cute though:

Maybe we should keep the beach for the two of us. And maybe the candle on the family table is more to acknowledge, to have a tiny spot in our family, than to share details of our story. Nobody in real life needs to know knut's name (why does it make me cry to type this?) that can stay just for us....

Contradictionary

Every year at the big post-christmas family dinner we light a candle for my deceased cousin and aunt. A solemn moment with 20 people at the table. This year I was planning to light a small candle for my unborn child. Publicly. But as the dinner approached and one of the aunts lost her mother my resolve faded. An extra candle for the (grand)mother was lit and I kept my mouth shut. Felt that that loss was a real loss, complete with grieving grandchildren.
And my miscarriage was more of a virtual loss.

Then a few days of København, just DP and me. Lovely and cold

New Years Eve with my friend An and her little family with little electric heaters. Lovely and warm.

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my cousins death. We will remember by making a sort of memorial walk through one of his favourite nature reserves (close to his grave). I'm going, but DP has the boys this week. His oldest asked if they would go, but before DP could say anything the youngest said "it is not our family" (the twinkle doesn't stretch that far just yet)
Oh apparently he asked DP if we would have any children. DP said nothing much about it and he remarked something along the lines of that he would be 'too old' to play with a baby-sibling anyway.

O well, I wanted to write about how confusing and contradictory my feelings were during the mandatory christmas circus. And how I sometimes can't find words. thats where the title came from. But no time for that, must go to bed now, sorry.
Back soon I hope. (or I'll cheat and update this)
sleep tight

Twinkle

'T is christmas, and the heater broke down. But with all the visiting and cooking and the mild weather it is not a problem yet.
I've lit some small candles for my and your lost babies, medium for my cousin, large for lost parents and the tallest for grandparents.

Yesterday was a family dinner with DP's boys, at his brothers place with a 4 year old and a 2 month baby. In the first years with DP's boys, the little one would get upset if someone mistook me for his mother and would always correct accusingly "that is not my mother!". But yesterday something different happened. The 4 year old was pointing everyone out at the dinner table: "Uncle DP, cousin, papa, himself, mama, cousin, aunt Valery". Then DP's youngest decided his little cousin should understand that DP was a father too, not just an uncle. And went round the table, pointing out the adults saying "papa, papa, mama, mama". And nobody corrected him. DP noticed it as well. It may have been simplified for a 4 year old, it may have slipped out, I don't know. All I know is that it's been six years (and two weeks) since I first met DP's boys. And this christmas had a little new twinkle for me.

Loads of cooking together and an excellent recipe for moist chocolate cake helped to survive as well.

One work week

Work-wise it was an easy week, my first week back at work. But somehow DP and HB had gotten into a fight. It started as something work-related and snowballed into them not talking to each other at all. It was very scary. At first I tried to ignore it, but after three days they both started asking my advice. It felt like a balancing act, the listening and explaining the other side, going back and forth between them. Making sure I was there to listen, but not becoming part of the problem (or the solution for that matter) A couple days later they were ready to talk and work it out over dinner in town. They celebrated their friendship with some more wine and came home mildly intoxicated. Pfffew.

My parents were not so lucky with my brother. He basically told them that contact with his wife and children will always be problematic. My mother doesn't understand and is in tears when she talks about it. My parents were always looking forward to becoming grandparents, but this wasn't what they expected. I spoke to my brother briefly and said I didn't want to (or could) be their mediator. Don't understand what the problem is, and am sure that if my brother knew a solution he would work it out. A part of me thinks I don't care enough- I used to be the peace keeper/maker.
I find it hard to explain that I miss my own children more than my brother's. And therefore it hurts a little that my parents don't (seem to). BambiEyes said I could give it a try, that my parents might just relate, that it is a good analogy.

I want to say more but can't focus enough to put it into actual words, so I'll post before this week turns into a month.

Great Big things

Monday I start at my new job (at the previous company, where DP and HB still work). Bit scary, going permanent after 12 years of contracting freedom, but looking forward to do something again. Even if it is not my dream job, it is a real job.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal from a brass band (the kind with clarinets and flutes and very big saxophones) The one that my aunt told me were looking for a bassoon. I'm welcome to relearn how to play with them. Such a positive and friendly atmosphere that I went home happy, got my bassoon from the attic and dusted it off. Today I even managed to play some notes and a simple christmas carol. Last time I tried to play was 2006, last time I played well was 1997

Thursday an architect will drop by and have a look at our current house (So I can show him why I love it so). Saturday my parents, DP and I will inspect a canal house that this architect will convert from office to living space. It might be a fantastic opportunity to create our dream house.

While I had a dream that next year we will celebrate Sinterklaas with all my cousins who were fighting over who could hold my newborn twins, it is the first time I felt at peace with the idea of DP and me buying a house for a future for the two of us.

Not so cool

Normally BambiEyes doesn't share anything about herself. It's only when booking in next appointments (or cancelling them) she tells me why she is not available. Like when she got married. I didn't even know she was in a relationship, let alone how she felt about it.
So normally there is nothing for me to worry about. Until this time. She cancelled with under an hour notice, because she suddenly had to go for an extra OB check, but it should be nothing.
I don't know about you, but 'unexpected and urgent' does not equal 'hunky-dory' to me. So instead of my usual outlet and the reassurance I get from her, I felt panicky and jittery. She emailed later to say everything was ok. But suddenly this pregnancy was a lot closer than I thought it would ever get.

Somewhere last week I was having lunch with an aunt of mine, she lives close by. This aunt helped me picking some flowers for our little ritual of saying goodbye to our biological baby in June. She said she had expected that closure would lift my unhappiness by now, that I would move on. She does not know about our DE plans. While I was thinking of a way to explain I had not given up hope entirely and was muttering something about exploring not-biological options she suddenly came out with 'don't do that'.
She said her mother was 40+ when getting children and as a child she hadn't liked that. (My grandma was suffering diabetes and relied on my aunt as her little helper. This may have had something to do with it. Or not. I was too flabbergasted to ask) Also I shouldn't consider foster children, that was too hard for me. (She is right, but geez) I should join this orchestra she found for me, start a day job again, play organised sports, move on with my life and accomplish something again. It 'd make me happy.
Pfew.
HB consoled me that at least she had given me her honest opinion, based on her experience in life. And DP said he didn't want us to be too old either, that we should take extra care of our health so we keep fit.

Just now my brother texted me he had some airline discount vouchers valid till the end of this year, if I was interested. I asked DP, and he said 'Spain'.
Wow.

BambiEyes pregnant

BambiEyes was dressed all in black, so I worried she had another funeral coming up.
I couldn't have been more wrong (thank goodness)
She told me in the last ten minutes that she is three months pregnant now. She realised it is quite early to tell, but she didn't want the risk of her showing and me not trusting her anymore because she didn't tell me. And it seems she expects I need time to adjust, time to process.
The funny thing is I'm simply happy for her. She got married this summer, she's around 28, she's happy and lucky.
At some point she will work less than now, next time we will talk about when. I might need to go to another city (again). When she said that, I was relieved she wasn't thinking of dropping me as a patient (again). I think that as long as I feel she takes care of me it works for me.
Of course I might feel different by the time she is hugging her skippy ball, but for now, well, I'm just not sad.

CD1

I s'pose that is what that thing on my chin was trying to tell me all along, I just didn't get the message.. It's making me feel a bit melancholic, that my body is still trying while there really is no point. Almost like going to the office every day because you don't want to admit you lost your job.
Then again, trying to view this from the positive side: it might just mean my body is still capable of creating a lining. Sending an invite for my de-journey.

Job interview was fine, on to the second round. Other round two is planned for Tuesday.

While shopping for a basic T-shirt to go with the things I bought with my mother the day before I heard two ladies speaking Spanish behind the counter. It was very quiet in the shop. And out of the blue I asked them if they thought I would be able to find someone in Spain/Barcelona who would look like me. They were happy to tell me I looked like I could be Spanish (skin tone, hair) and immediately asked if I spoke any Spanish.
Made me feel happy, to be reassured here and now...

odd

Was doing my homework for round two.
-interactive tv has many shapes and forms. When tv enters your house through your internet connection, then a settop box and then onto your screen it is possible to mix with internet features. Like a list of programs on your screen. And then you can use your remote to select a program, get more info about it or just watch it. You could press pause, forward, backward or record.
Combines nicely with internet 'missed program' options and renting a movie. According to Wiki in the US this is like Hulu and Hulu+
Future options could be that you can buy something when it is advertised.
Hot topic apparently, as a weekly magazine just ran an article about it.
- contacted a former colleague who worked for the company I'm talking with. He came over for dinner, told us he now has the job of our former boss and offered me a job in his team, quite different from the work I did before in that team.
I think this is called networking? I find it confusing. (Although I'm happy with the tips he gave to improve our tiramisu, like 'make it the day before' and 'don't forget the Amaretto'....)
Sleeping on it did nothing to make up my mind though.

Then I let it all sit for two weeks, including this first half post, but sitting at home with neverending November fog was getting me down. So I tried to get some progress on the DE-front.
On BambiEyes advice I asked DP 'open' questions like 'What do you need to know before we can go to Spain?' And then accept that answer and find the information the next day.
We need our medical information obviously, but I have to find out how to get that information through our system, and I think my GP can request it from the hospital and the clinic and then give it to me.
Of course my GP practice is closed this week.

So I sent my CV to my former colleague and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon.
Went for a run, did some yoga and pilates exercises. Checked my phone when I got back.

And of course the manager from that other company left a voicemail to ask if I can come for round two. Tomorrow.

Of course.

I know I should count myself lucky that companies even want to talk to me in these times with scary economic news.
But I feel scared, almost if I'm cheating. I guess part of being scared is the fear of rejection. Have to remind myself that it is not the same as getting my hopes up for a possible treatment. Work is only going to be good for me if it gets my brain into gear. Not if it is boring and making me miserable for little money. Is it bad I want to distract myself from this next mc anniversary? I don't want to remember the date, I just remember it was a Monday somewhere the end of November. And today is not a Monday so no being sad.

Ahhh, I better return that phonecall. And as a treat I'm going shopping with my mother. In an hour so I better get going!

round one

It was a funny interview. Gezellig I would say in Dutch, pleasant. Hardly about work, more kind of general. What kind of person I am. How I communicate. If the holes in my CV were a mistake.
It is a permanent position though, not a contracting role like I've been used to for the last 10 years. Not sure how much restraints that will cause. When the time is right I want (need) to be able to go to a clinic in whichever country I decide to go to. But that doesn't seem the kind of question to ask in a first round.... And also not the best reason to not want a job at all.

Second interview will be about work, with the department manager.

Maybe then, if they still want me I can suggest a 32 hour contract. Gives me room for BambiEyes and maybe if I do work a whole (or half) day extra I can save those hours for more days off when I need them.

But before then I need to find out what on earth interactive television is.