In the news today: the Netherlands will get its own 2 egg cell banks.
One is actually the medical center where DP and I went to with Fof.
What is new is that now semi-anonymous donor eggs will be available: donor ID will be stored in a government database. And they are starting with an astonishing 20 donors....
In the paper it said they will provide 4 cells per treatment, expected success rate 20-30%
I am so so glad this is behind us.
Holiday tickets are booked.
Passport photo of Suzy is taken, paperwork is done. Pick up next week.
While DP was so very concerned about 5 people and privacy/space issues before, he is now not even planning anything for our 5 nights in Sweden. I have suggested we look into renting a log cabin with multiple bedrooms (Log Cabin! such a holiday thing to do it seems). Because even a big tent like ours only offers virtual/visual privacy. Plus it is plain weird to go into your tent and zip up during the day...
I got a referral from my GP for endocrinology. She even recommended a certain hospital. I even called said hospital. They will give me an appointment if I fax or email the letter of referral. Sadly I do not have a scanner or fax at home. And I forgot to take the letter to work today. [hops of to find letter and put it in office bag][back again] Where was I? Ah, um, I keep forgetting things.
I do yoga again. At the end with the relaxation exercises this teacher (black dancer guy, very expressive body) keep blathering on how we should not be upset, how we should not listen to all the sounds, let go of all thoughts etc. It would help if he would keep his mouth shut! ;-)
I miss your regular blog posts. I know you all have your very different reasons AND I probably spend too much time checking, but I would love to stay connected to all my bloggy friends...
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Still tired
I had my blood tested again, and the thyroid result came back all fine and low-normal, as did the Hb.
Last time my GP said we could try to up the dose if I wanted, I said no. This time, with the same result, I asked if we could up the dose, the assistant said she would relay my request, but I got a prescription for the same dosage. And I'm still tired. I'm gaining weight slowly.
I remember being slightly underweight around Christmas (and in November I was doing 4-5 feeds a day)
around April we cut down to three, now we are on two feeds a day)
So I should be eating and snacking less, but on work days I'm not.
Did I manage to tell you I started on this project at work, in another team? I've been there for 2 weeks now. The first day or two were good-ish, chasing logins and such.
Now I have to get into the lingo and very different work and I'm just sitting there, paralysed. I can't concentrate, no focus, and I can't remember what to do. So I just sit there and eat candy.
BambiEyes encouraged me to ask my GP for a referral letter for an endocrinologist. So, another appointment with my GP coming Wednesday. I guess we know more than when I asked last time: my period seems back and that should not be possible with the sky high (well, menopausal high) LH and FSH and lack of eggs.We also got my thyroid markers back to normal, so that shouldn't be it either.
I guess there could be an(other) hormonal issue, otherwise it leaves me with 'just tired and cranky, let's blame the baby'....
Last time my GP said we could try to up the dose if I wanted, I said no. This time, with the same result, I asked if we could up the dose, the assistant said she would relay my request, but I got a prescription for the same dosage. And I'm still tired. I'm gaining weight slowly.
I remember being slightly underweight around Christmas (and in November I was doing 4-5 feeds a day)
around April we cut down to three, now we are on two feeds a day)
So I should be eating and snacking less, but on work days I'm not.
Did I manage to tell you I started on this project at work, in another team? I've been there for 2 weeks now. The first day or two were good-ish, chasing logins and such.
Now I have to get into the lingo and very different work and I'm just sitting there, paralysed. I can't concentrate, no focus, and I can't remember what to do. So I just sit there and eat candy.
BambiEyes encouraged me to ask my GP for a referral letter for an endocrinologist. So, another appointment with my GP coming Wednesday. I guess we know more than when I asked last time: my period seems back and that should not be possible with the sky high (well, menopausal high) LH and FSH and lack of eggs.We also got my thyroid markers back to normal, so that shouldn't be it either.
I guess there could be an(other) hormonal issue, otherwise it leaves me with 'just tired and cranky, let's blame the baby'....
 |
| The green letters say ART IS THERAPY on Rijksmuseum last night. |
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Shaky
Emboldened by your kind comments I resumed holiday talk on the Sunday night.
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Summer
Suddenly it is summer.
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Shower
mhmm, where to begin...
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C4 isn't much into talking about his late brother, or keepsakes or mementos for that matter.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
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