Wonderful

Today was a wonderful day.
We went to the same goldsmith that created my birthday gift 5 years ago. Together we designed something to go with it for my 40th. When we were done he was excitedly wondering why he hadn't thought of that before... It will be ready in a month, I'll show you then and will try to explain the symbolism it carries for me.

Tonight we planned the summer holiday for when the boys are here. An epic bike tour around the country, we get to sleep in a castle once and I will get to ride an electric bike.

Tomorrow meeting a friend from inside the computer, and, very appropriate for the url of this blog, we arranged to meet in a poffertjes tent. :-)
Looking forward to all of it.

Leap

Good news.
Feels like I just leaped into the other universe...

Did you know that blackbirds start their song at 4 AM? And keep going for more than an hour? Ours does...
After my shower I could for the world of me not decide which socks would be my lucky socks today. other option:  Picked a new pair of shoes that go without socks.
Past the lab to get my repeat-2 blood test for TSH. Then on to the hospital.

Scan this morning, as scheduled. Had to invite DP to come sit next to me and watch the screen, he thought he could stay behind the desk. Just as well, because it was hard to believe.
I'm no star at reading those grey white pixels, but black I can see. Usually that is my full bladder, but today I had made sure it was empty. So when I saw something black pop up I noticed. A sac. Then the doctor moved the wand around just a touch and found something in the sac. grey white, fuzzy. And some pixels seemed to be not sure of their colour. I was willing the doctor to say it, and indeed, he said we had a tiny little heartbeat.
Holding DP's hand tight.
Wand moving further. More black
Would it really?
yep, second sac.
And?
also occupied.
and ticking too
Crushed DP's hand.

measurements were done. Then the doctor left us to print the report.
DP looked at me and said 'two, that is quite a lot'
Mhm mm
'Can they still split?'
nah, with the hearts already formed it would be too late now.
Poor DP. I'm so happy, this is my dream. But I know he just wanted one. We hadn't talked about it since one was nearly impossible already. And of course we don't know how long there will remain two.

polar bears. The support team lending a crown-to-tail

-I've sent him out with HB to a wine bar, and I enjoy your company here on the couch...
(hah, I'm not alone anyway!)

Ah, doctor came back and led us to another part of the hospital, moved us from fertility to obstetrics so we could schedule our next scan.
The receptionist lady wanted me for a 9 week scan, which turned out to be in the middle of the 3 weeks that DP will have the boys. While I was eager to get the next scan soon, DP pressured me I figured that one week later wouldn't hurt, not enough at least to make a serious holiday impossible.
With that settled the lady went on about Down syndrome test and high risks and delivery and brochures and WHAT? Wait! Are you crazy? We heard five minutes ago about pixels alive. Next scan is all I can and will take today.

At work HB took one look at that big grin of mine and he knew.
Then, somehow, I managed to get some work done, something complicated and important that was needed this month. I'd warned my boss he might need to take over from me, but it turned out he didn't know very well. (and Lily wasn't there today either)

Weekend.
And now seems the right time to look in my picture book to find out what you do when you're only 6mm small. (although I might fall asleep with that book and that big stupid grin on my face)

S-1

Scan is tomorrow. Do you say scan when you mean ultra sound? I do (and confuse my dutch GP) In Dutch I say echo... anyway.
I can't make plans past tomorrow morning. (Other than making sure HB and DP will be there, whether to celebrate or otherwise)
Hard to believe that DP only just now asked me if there was a chance of bad news. He quickly remembered the only other time we went for a scan after fertilisation, and that there was almost nothing left to see. But to him the two scans seem unrelated.

I suppose the last days I have been somewhat reassured by the returning of pure white (o dear, how do I say, leakage? goo?) without leftover streaks of brown. Still have this sort of full bladder feeling. Plus there is nothing more I can do. I'm taking my medication punctually, eating healthy, drinking and resting more.

But I've been keeping myself distracted: Monday orchestra (half rehearsal), Tuesday to bed early,Wednesday dinner with my new colleague friend. Let's call her Lily. She prepared Vietnamese food and I learned how to roll summer rolls.

Not as neat as these though, no shrimp, and of course the first ones fell apart. But such yummy different flavours. All Gluten and Lactose free. Before I know it she will teach me how to knit as well ;-)

Work is always busy at the end of the month. I'm trying to not think about tomorrow. Even if there is something that must be done because the EU orderer it so. Someone else can do it for me if need be. I may have to find a way to get a scan picture to Spain but I don't want to go into work if there is bad news.

Oh, I forgot to tell you on Saturday, but after the castle there was a hotel for coffee, and they had plush toys from WWF for sale in the lobby. I bought 3 polar bears; a big one and two small ones...

Scary Saturday

Saturday was full of plans. Family, a charity event steeped in tradition, people in robes, people in church. And just before it all started I started spotting. Made the whole day very emotional. People taking vows to support charity, hymns with choir and organ. During the prayer where the whole congregation promised to protect the weak and help the small I had tears rolling down my cheeks. If only the power of their 300 voices, their wills could help my little one(s)....

The spotting was little to begin with and was getting less during the day. But it was a strong reminder how fragile this all is. What confidence and hope I had been gathering over the past two weeks isn't as strong any more. Counting down the nights till Friday, u/s day. 4 more nights of hope and fear. Trying to keep my thinking in the now, to avoid all the what ifs....

This, this being powerless to steer towards a good outcome, it makes me feel like a 6 year old. If I don't touch the lines between the tiles today it will work.
If three traffic lights in a row are green it's okay.
If I follow the signs...
If I'm good....

My cynical voice laughs at me: see what I'm becoming? a child, an idiot, not a mother..
My brave voice counters: Hormones, not me! May said so herself!
My scientific voice is quiet, it waits till Friday. But even my scientific voice doesn't dare to open the scientific picture book to see what could be happening this many day after fertilisation...

(off to bed before I start crying again)

more lines

More lines that make me happy:

Picture from the package
-only wishing our bedroom was this pretty-

I've bought this bedlinen set years ago.
And now seemed the right time to sleep on (under) it.  ;-)

Did I tell you I had my TSH tested again on Friday? Results came back today

TSH       0.04 ml/L
T4 free   21   pmol/L 

Last time it was well within normal range:
TSH                       2 mU/L        (0.5 - 5)
T4 free                  15 pmol/L     (9 - 24)
so with taking the Eutirox medication and the Hcg floating about my person the TSH dropped a factor 50. By the time I was done with a set of highly annoying meetings at work it started to sink in. The dutch doctor's assistant even called me back, saying I should talk to a doctor.  I'd emailed Spain but not gotten a reply of what to do yet and I found my friend Mijke online. She was a sweetheart and delved into Google, filtering for me and sending me reassuring links to read. It helped me not panic. It seems that TSH too low is not dangerous, especially not when T4 is still high. Then Spain emailed back, saying I should simply stop taking the Eutirox and get tested again in two weeks.
Oh, and I arranged for an ultrasound on June 29 in my old hospital. Exactly 1 month after fertilisation, the 6 week u/s.
To be sure that DP will be there I sent him a meeting request via the office mail/calendar system. This way I know for sure that his time is blocked and reserved for me only. And hopefully for one or two more....
oh, dear Mijke asked me if I felt ready to accept the C- word now. For my birthday, yes.
The rest I'm taking in two week increments. I guess over the past years reading blogs I've simply seen too many lost. Just recently Womb4Improvement lost hers at 6 and 8 weeks. May and ~C~ have lost so many so early (would Pikaia and Knut be almost the same age?), while TwangyPearl's Figment made it to around 12 weeks. At the previous company a colleague lost them at 10 and 11 weeks.
Worst memory: the guy sitting opposite me there announced their second pregnancy while I thought it was my turn. For months I kept thinking it should have been me. And then they lost their girl at 36 weeks. I know it was a highly unlikely freak incident, but I did feel soooo guilty and rotten about it!
Well, it can't all happen to me at the same time, and I have a street full of evidence that quite a few kids get born alive.
For now I trust that sometimes I get to be on the good side of the statistics, but it still feels a bit theoretical. Not comfortable browsing books full of pink clouds I asked my scientific friend An if she had something for me to read.
Without telling her dates I told her about our Spain plans, and she lend me a book from her that has pictures and explanations about what happens from the moment of fertilisation. Microscope pictures are cool in my book...

40

Festive breakfast for my fortieth birthday: 3 kinds of bread from the oven, 2 kinds fresh fruit juice, candles, tea. (roses and Toro still on the table)

8:25 call parents at time I was born.
10. hairdresser
11. doctor
12. optician, look for new frame running late already
13. free concert in Wester Church on Church Organ
15. High Tea with my friend An, parents and aunt&uncle
20. out, see below.

After work DP and HB will be there. I was thinking of getting tickets to some show but I had no idea how difficult that would be. We'll see if we can find something last minute, but it doesn't matter really. Today is a good day, even if it rains all day.

(update: While at the hairdresser a guy walked in. Getting a haircut for his performance tonight. He will play Rachmaninov  in the Van Gogh museum, a piece that was inspired by the painting The Isle of the Dead, accompanying a movie: Symphonic Cinema)

Transitions

I just reread last year's post. Still had a bag of those unwilling candles, now the one on the table is burning calmly by my side. Some white roses in a vase.
Still get sad with tears streaming down my face. But it is a different sad. I'm not drowning in it anymore. It doesn't leave me completely exhausted, unable to think with my brain turned to wet wool, incapable of facing the day after. (Although I remember all of that clearly)

Still miss my-little-one-that-never-was, the hurt is real, but no longer scary. Makes me want to cuddle soft toys where before it made me want to scream, made me so so Angry. Luckily ToroPatudo sits with me and doesn't mind being smothered.
It's ok to be sad today, it is safe, it is part of me, of infertility. Tomorrow will be another day.

And there will always be tea and chocolate.

We miss you Knut.

D+12

Spanish number on my mobile.
It was the doctor herself!
Asking how I was, asking if the spotting hadn't returned.
Confirming I need to keep taking all my medication for now, and to have my TSH blood test repeated this Friday.
Scan on June 29 (if I can arrange that)(should be no problem)

I'm mildly flabbergasted still. She could have the medical assistant call, or send an email. But she choose to contact me personally.

D+11

Today is two weeks after retrieval.
Today she might get her period.
She knows the clinic will not tell her if it worked.
Even though I told the clinic.
I hope she has a box of chocolates today, just like me.


The weird thing is that DP seems to think that we still might get negative news on Friday. He doesn't want to look at the pictures showing the lines (updated). He doesn't want to plan the next ultrasound in 15 days. Once again we deal with it in opposite ways. While I don't understand him I still try to respect this. Still hard. Thank you all for visiting my blog, your kind comments, holding my hand even, it helps to keep my sanity, now, when there's little left of it. (Not sleeping doesn't help, I know) Sorry for not being able to accept congratulations yet (Sorry Mijke, sorry mdhmom) I know it is not rational, but more some kind of panic, it's too early for me.

xxx

D+8 , 9

D+8
Saturday
I was getting increasingly nervous about testing on my birthday. I started counting medication to see if delaying till Saturday (D+15) would be an option. It will work for the estradiol patches, and I have plenty of progesterone. Aspirin and folic acid are available without prescription, so that leaves the thyroid hormone and the prednisolon. I did ask about those when we were in Spain, and the doctor said that pregnancy can be hard on the thyroid and needs to be checked, so possibly I need that for longer (well, you know, if, by then...)
I haven't dared to google the prednisolon any further. I understand it suppresses my immune system, and that may be most important during implantation. Wiki says:

"In humans, implantation of a fertilized ovum is most likely to occur about 9 days after fertilization, ranging between 6 to 12 days"

(Well, Wiki said ovulation. I replaced that with fertilization here. Just Because.)

latest tomorrow then. I started on a dose of 20 mg, but after 5 days stepped down via 15 to 10 daily. So maybe I don't need that later?

Next I started a different search engine (duckduckgo.com) because that doesn't leave traces and doesn't sell your search profile before you even finished typing. I wanted to know which POAS test has what sensitivity, and typically it isn't printed on the box! I found internet cheapies with very low threshold (20mlU/mL) and the page bragging that one national drugstore chain sells them as their 'home brand'. It also tells me not to test early because it could still go wrong between testing on 10dpo and 14dpo.
On the way to the store I saw a woman with a big belly. I almost wanted to stop and ask her belly to tell my belly what to do.
On the way back I saw another woman with an even bigger belly.

the test I got is not a poas literally, not as in the verb p, but only the noun. Instructions: P in a cup, take 4 drops, pipette those on the s. Set Timer. Wait 5 Minutes exactly. Then and Only Then Look.
Squint
Look harder.
And in my imagination I think I may have seen something.

It may very well be gone tomorrow.
But for today it is the faintest glimmer of hope

D+9
Sunday
chickened out of posting that yesterday....

Couldn't sleep very well after 4AM. At 5 I gave up, got up and tested again. So faint DP said he didn't see it, thought it disappeared. And wondered why I even bothered to test again, said it was pointless. (?!)
The thing with these tests is they claim only to be valid after 5 minutes exactly. The instructions literally say to throw negative tests away because the second line could colour later, falsely.
So yes, my very faint lines have turned into vague lines on the actual cassettes (and I showed DP yesterday only after a few hours, didn't want to tell him over the phone, and he could see it clearly then.)
BUT, I took pictures with my phone after the appropriate 5min. Bad pictures, bad lighting, vague subject matter, sorry.

I know it is very early. I know I'm driving myself crazy (and you too probably, sorry for that) I want to be prepared for every scenario, I want to hope, (mhm already hoping) but it will be a while before I can believe.
Glimmer of hope, please don't fade. Stay with me. Grow stronger.
please.

D+7

Friday
Extremely forgetful. The ID-pass I need to enter work I left at home. The daily pass I forgot on my desk on 3 separate occasions during the day.
I'm a bit afraid I'll find on Monday that the work I did was actually nonsense.

DP has a complicated weekend with kids/kids sport/family/party so he left work early.
I stayed and had a quick dinner with BFG.
Bit sad I can't go on the skate tour, it would have been perfect to take my mind of things, but even without the strong wind it's just too much exercise.

At home sat on the couch and forgot to even take my coat off.

D+3

This morning it felt very odd to be back at work.
Like nothing had happened...
But at lunch when HB joined DP and me at the table he sat down saying 'Hello you 4'. So nice to share that secret smile... and poor HB had had the most horrible weekend, dealing with arrangements for the care of his mother. Nursing home said 'oh, that 5 month waiting list we told you about, just yesterday? it's 5 days now, you have this weekend to decide if it's now or never.  Nice. The care is good, the paperwork not so much...

In the afternoon I did go to the yoga class, but told the teacher I was not allowed to exercise, so would be taking it easy. At first it was hard not to participate 100%, but after a while I enjoyed doing smaller and lighter variations and taking breaks in child pose. And still loosen my shoulders and do the relaxation exercises. 

Pffff. When I was only using the estrogen patches my nipples got oversensitive. Now that I'm supplementing the progesterone that is back to normal. Just that my lower belly feels a bit like my bladder is full all the time, even when it's not. I gained a kilo over the weekend, with all the cake breaks but not our usual marathon walks. (And my nails seem to grow faster)

Cutest thing today: DP playing with the Toro and saying we should find a safe place for it so the boys won't be rough with it.

D+2

Home safely. DP had no reluctance against buying a souvenir toy so we brought this little soft Toro with us. I think the label says TORO PATUDO but the top of the letters is missing so I could be wrong. Google translate says bigeye bull, but bigfoot bull would be more accurate ;-)
Also by a nice turn of luck we got seats on row 1 of the plane which was all kinds of nice, both the extra leg room and being the very first off the plane.

The contrast in the weather between Spain and home is quite big today: from sunny and 25 back to grey and 12. Makes the whole adventure seem unlikely and remote instantly. Now I have both my medication schedule and the toro to remind me.

oh, the book I read this weekend was 'The Lost and Forgotten Languages of Shanghai' by Ruiyan Xu. Infertility warning: one of the main characters is divorced because he wanted biological children and she couldn't face 'another round of shots' and wanted to pursue adoption. It doesn't play a role in any of the 340 other pages, even the designer of the Garamond type gets more explanation, so it's easy to skip, but very odd it's there. Other conclusion of the book: when communication breaks down, people feel isolated. Not good for a relationship.
Never mind, will return it to the library asap.

D+1

Sitting at 'home' yesterday almost drove me crazy. (the clinic advised bed rest after transfer) I can laze around for a few hours, but at some stage I start to feel caged. So for dinner we cheated a little and went to a nearby hotel for dinner.

Park Guëll in the morning, and we have been taking it easy, walking slower than normal and taking more breaks for cakes and coffee than other times.
Plus we went back to the apartment for a siesta!

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is real, that I can dream up little names like Woozle and Pip, or Otto and Nona. Other times I don't want to think about it, not fear whether it will work or not. I find it hard to buy souvenirs, can't decide if I would regret it later. So took a picture of some art-toy-craft and might order over the web when we know more.

Funny detail: During transfer there were quite a few people involved. Lady working the ultrasound scanner, medical assistant translating, our Italian lady doctor with yet another assistant and finally the embryologist. She had such a happy and bright face I liked her instantly, and hoped the little cells could feel her optimism as well. So all in all there were five women there, and DP was the only man involved in getting me pregnant. Maybe coincidence, maybe privilege, but a little detail I like anyway.
At home I'll try to upload some fotos, but for now I'm done trying to find out how the tab works.

D day

new treat in the bathroom:

ready to go.

Aaand back again.
Transfer was smooth. We got to follow the action via abdominal ultrasound. We saw the catheter appear and blow a little bubble. On another monitor we had a video playing images of the embryos: one eight cell and one nine cell, nice round and regular. Doctor said this is a good sign.
Nothing to freeze though, the five other ones weren't up to it. They will keep them a bit longer in the lab to see if they catch up but this isn't very likely.
Also the information about the donor match was quite hopeful, it seemed a perfect match with someone half my age + 3.
I'm trying not to blurt this information out, because I feel the kid(s) have the first right to know. When they are 12.
Gulp