The visit was lovely. It was nice that it was just SIL and me, and my nephew did everything right, was even awake so he could see me. I was happy to hold him, and he was happy in my arms. So so small. And cute. It was nice to be able to feel what it is we all want. That sometimes this dream comes true. And that it is worth dreaming...
SIL did everything to include me and my feelings, I was almost embarrassed. She even said she realised that her belly at the beach would have been quite a confrontation for me. She deserves a prize.
Things didn't go so smoothly between DP and me. BambiEyes pointed out a lot of things I could say.
I could have said I was grateful for DP holding me while I cried last week. Accepting me being sad.
I could have said I was unhappy he promised to call but didn't, that it makes me feel forgotten and unimportant.
I could have said I got library books on gamete donation for him to read, that that is important to me.
I could have mentioned the #3 homework: we are allowed to disagree. we should try it sometime. and who knows, maybe share our feelings.
I'm frustrated with myself that I know all these things but it is still so hard to put them into words. BambiEyes says I've come a long way in connecting with my feelings. That if I find it hard to say certain things I can make little cheat-cards with nice questions/statements.
Eg, if I feel like screaming "why don't you ever listen"
(-but stop myself, knowing this is not constructive-)
I might say "I would like to talk, when is a good time for you?
Geez, DP even said this week I should book a meeting with him, then I would get my time.....
I'm starting to wonder if that really wasn't a joke.
All this frustration starts to feel like a knot in my stomach again. I keep relaxing my shoulders, but they keep creeping up constantly. And my main instinct remains to run away. Depending on how angry I am I want to take care of other people (I'll mow your lawn!! Let me bake you a pumpkin pie!) or disappear, have a different life (travel the TransSiberia Express with a lover, or work in an african orphanage)
Family legend has it that my Grandma used to pack a suitcase full of shoes every time she was angry. I so understand that....
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I'm so proud of you for having gone to SIL. Such an achievement and I'm sure you feel it too. With DP things have always been a bit more difficult,but I do think you are on the right track an soon will be able to share (if not everything you feel) your thoughts. Much love, I'm so so proud of you, Fran
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you too.
ReplyDeleteYou'll are making great strides.
Love the image of the suitcase of shoes. Very poetic.
Lots of hugs.
Good for you for going for the visit.
ReplyDeleteAnd...
If I might observe...
Things with DP seemed to be going REALLY well when everything was on track with FoF.
So...
For what it's worth (and this is only my uneducated/non-professional therapist opinion), my guess is that the less hopeful you feel about moving forward and having a baby, the less happy you feel in general with DP...which kind of makes sense, because for many of us being in a relationship (particularly, as I know, with someone who brings children with them to it) also means building a family together. I can tell you that I am feeling less pressure and anxiety now partly because The Teenager is an adult and not living at home anymore. I feel less incomplete now, if that makes sense. But you - you still have young children in the scenario - and I think that puts more pressure on the fertility challenges, and creates more tension. And DP sounds a lot like Mr. H. - I think he loves you and wants to have a baby with you, and knows it will happen somehow, but has trouble wrapping his head around all the energy and effort it is taking. So, all of this to say, it might be helpful to not put too much stress on yourself to talk to him and connect with your feelings in the way that BambiEyes thinks/says you should. I know when I do that, Mr. H. just seems to become more distant and difficult to be close to. I'm not sure what the answer is, but maybe it would be a start to channel your "run away" energy on something for you - something you enjoy - taking classes of some kind, or learning something new, or participating in something physical. There are different ways to run away, right?
Love,
Maddy
P.S. And I am not saying you shouldn't tell DP how you feel about something he does/says if/when you want to tell him....I just don't like to see you beating yourself up over not doing it, you know? And like I said, when things were moving forward, you guys seemed to get along really well, and I can't help but wonder if the perfectly understandable frustration and hurt you feel when things get stalled on the baby front might end up getting directed at the relationship or yourself? And I'm just suggesting that in addition to figuring out the next plan for DE, if there is something else you can put your energy into that can bring you a little joy and maybe a temporary escape every week....all these thoughts/suggestions are coming from a place of caring - I want to help you lessen the pain, if at all possible. (Hugs)
ReplyDeleteI always write these things down, when it's too hard to say them. I leave the note with H and run away. It works well - he doesn't feel attacked on paper, and I get to Avoid Confrontation.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry things are so hard still. You are being very brave, looking at it, dealing with it, NOT packing your shoes. I loved the shoe-packing story.