I was away for a few days.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.
Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.
BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.
The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.
When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.
A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites
Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.
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Sorry about the biting part... I just couldn't nót send it to your... *hug*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry too for the biting and the knife in the heart. Good luck with your job interview, I hope it is a situation that would work out for you!
ReplyDeleteMy Dutch cousin was just here, and I was thinking of you the other day as I enjoyed a cup of decaf and a couple speculaas cookies for an afternoon snack.
Many hugs. Too many stabs and disappointments. I wish I could make you tea.
ReplyDeleteSuggestion you are welcome to roll your eyes at, but why shouldn't DP go to that workshop with you? It might help him understand how YOU are feeling. And then there might be less heart-knifing about the fact he has biological children, because he'd see just how hard it is on you.
Sorry to hear you had a rough go of things.
ReplyDeleteBambieyes is sick a lot, I hope it's nothing serious.