peanut

On Thursday the 8th during lunch break I called my mother to see how she was doing with her jet lag. It turned out she had been walking around the phone telling herself not to call me because she didn't want to worry me. 'About what, mum?' Well, see, they hadn't told her yet. 'Told you what, mum?' What the result of her biopsy was after her bi-annual mammogram had shown something the size of a peanut. I promised not to worry, she promised to call back after she had spoken with the doctor that afternoon. The result was bad, so I went over for tea so she could tell me about MRI, operation and radiation. But, she figured since it was all about a peanut sized lump it would probably be alright, since peanuts are small. She was just hoping they could fit in the operation followed by 5 weeks radiation before their trip to Italy mid September.
Since my mother was quite her cheerful normal erratic self I'm not too worried just yet. Just try to listen more patiently. Cooked dinner once (my mother doesn't like cooking much). Try to treat her like normal so she can keep being normal for now. The operation will be a day job, come in 7 am, leave 7 pm. I figure that by then it may feel more serious. Or that 5 weeks long of daily visits for daily 1 minute radiation would make one feel not so good or cheerful. I'll be there, then. But will not predict doom and gloom. I'm not explaining that the MRI is not worth worrying about (G, it's just a big magnet in a machine) but accepting that as projection of fear. At least it is visible...

Strange thoughts going through my head. Like- if she dies I don't have to try to live anymore.
Or-I should hurry and get on with DE quickly so she can still have a grandchild to live for.
Maybe- I should ask mum about it being hereditary-maybe I should not ask her for fear she worries about that too. She already feels guilty about my infertility.

Today she kicked the upstairs tenants out for lunch and some DIY shopping so she and my father could babysit their 8 month old. I stopped by earlier to meet her Swiss cousin and had a chance to cuddle with the baby afterwards (he weighs a TON and loved grabbing my hair, it was nice and comforting to carry him around, but also good to put him down again, so heavy)

Waiting for both life lessons and panic to kick in. For now just taking care of my sore muscles from last nights skate tour over to IJburg.

PS thank you for pointing out I could eat pills for upping my iron. I figured I should just be a better person and eat a bit more broccoli, cashew nuts and apricots and such