After dinner, approximately 36 hours after the Sunday morning conversation, I asked DP if he thought that conversation had gone well. Which conversation? Well, the one about donor eggs. He then asked me if I was seriously considering that option. Yes I am. (And see how I don't get an answer to my initial question? That seems to happen a lot)
I pushed on a bit, asking him to put his thoughts or feelings into words. DP said it was a slippery slope. From TTC naturally, to trying with a little help like IVF, to donor gametes, surrogacy, adoption. Where did I think it would end? My answer 'with a baby' did not reassure him.
DP said more than once that donor-egg-babies would have another mother.
I'm thinking there is a world of difference between his kids who he has to return to their mother at 6:30 PM Sunday and a baby that is with us from before it is even born, and 100% depending on us.
He did point out that part of the fun of parenting is recognising part of yourself in your children. His oldest does indeed have his freckles, light skin, light hair. (OK, those are easy to spot) We didn't go into which part of that recognition was important to him.
We both know that he has a much stronger and more natural bond with his sons than I do. He called it 'blood line'. He is doing almost all the work when it comes to the boys. Picking them up from school, dropping them off, telling them not to fight. I just do part of the cooking and laundry. Although this past weekend I was baking muffins with the oldest and took the youngest one skating to the shop to get milk for DPs cappuccino.
I always figured that if he missed them so much when they're not with us he should get most of the time with them, get to do all the kiddy stuff, bathing and feeding when they were small, playing soccer and chess now. I would wait and see what left over parent stuff there was left for me. So yes, I did/do consciously put myself second rank.
I'm sort of wondering if he is unhappy that I don't love his children as much as he does.
When the bloodline thing came up I did point out I have a cousin that would match, so the d-e-baby would at least be related to me as well..
At that point we cuddled on the couch, and he fell asleep, holding me, leaving me wondering.
I guess that is what is confusing me, why is he worried about a genetic connection while he should still have that? I'm the one who is considering/willing to give that up (my personal DNA I mean) in order to have a baby, be pregnant, be a mother.
And now the other voices creep back in. Why would I spend time with his kids, spend energy and frustration, feel chained to the home if he's not willing to do the same for me?
I did ask about babies, 5 years ago. I did mention that as part of my future, a sine qua non.
It was the very first personal conversation we had.
Now I'm afraid it will be the last as well.
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I'm sorry that you feel like you've met a roadblock with your DP. It may just take him a little longer to get to the acceptance that you already have.
ReplyDeleteI think you should gather information on donor eggs and how it works. Look into epigenetics since your DP has talked about the lack of genetic link. Simply put while we don't contribute dna to the donor embryo in utero we do send messages to that dna telling it what traits to turn on/off (this is epigenetics). Essentially the baby that we have would look completely different than the baby would look if it came to full term in the donor mother's uterus. It makes me feel like the baby will be 50% my DH's, 25% the Donor's and 25% mine. Give this gathered info to your DP to digest.
Ultimately, you will may need to re-visit that original talk to explain how important it is for you to have a child that you raise together. No hinting, no beating around the bush, just straight out what you want and why. If your dp is anything like mine, no amount of hints and innuendos will get through, you just have to lay it on the line. Sending you many hugs. I know this can be a rough conversation to have.
Perhaps he is just worried about you. Worried about how you will take not having the genetic relationship. Maybe with you putting yourself in second rank with his kids because of not having the genetic connection to them he feels it would just be the same thing all over again for you. Or maybe that's why he feels it is good enough to just stay where you guys are at with his kids. I don't know. Just throwing it out there. It doesn't sound like things went terrible with the idea of your cousin being put out there (they don't always go the way we'd like of course hehe). I wouldn't push too hard but it doesn't sound like he is completely against it at least. I'm just wishing you the best and hope it gets better :)
ReplyDeleteOh I know I hate it when the conversation that I am convinced I had, is not even recalled by the Other Party. Maddening! Sweet Georgia is maybe right in the end you may need a very direct approach.
ReplyDeletePerhaps not yet, though? You could have more exchange of information type conversations. So at least your DP has a chance to absorb the facts. I don't quite understand his reluctance, either. So maybe he's confused?
All is not yet lost, Valery. Good luck, and lots of hugs. xx
I agree with Sweet Georgia. He won't necessarily understand how important bearing a child is and raising it with him is to you unless you tell him. Men (and some women!) can be surprisingly dense at remembering or understanding things that you thought you'd made perfectly clear. I tend to write important, contentious things down and give H the piece of paper and let him read it in his own time. We both find it easier to thinkthings over if we are not dealing with the other's strong emotional reactions at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry these discussions are not going well, and are leaving you feeling alone. Hugs. I am thinking of you.