Big day in London...

because my nephew was born!!!!!
millions of people came to London, but not many got to see him. Thankfully there was enough going on elsewhere in the city ;-)

My brother was sooo happy on the phone that I had a big grin on my face. Since my nephew was a little earlier than expected (only a week) it happened that my brother and his wife had not yet made the final decision on his name. They are both last minute people, I know, but still I'm a little surprised. They have two names he said. I didn't dare reply that they could just give both names, I guess naming your child is very very personal. (Unless your culture, religion or family has rules or methods for naming. I'm named after both grandmothers and a city. My brother is named after my fathers father who had three given names, and confuses the hell out of everyone because we call him by the third of those names. )

An hour later I burst into BambiEyes office telling her about it, with the same grin. And I'm thinking that maybe, since we have a holiday here this week with DP and the boys we could all go to London. See if any royalty rubbed of on the little one. (I wouldn't be surprised if he is dressed in cashmere already)
She said to try to remember how I felt on the phone. Big Grin.

Then of course I told her about my AMH. She suggested that now that it is final, DP and I could think of a way of saying goodbye to our biological child. Going out for dinner sounds weird, but I was thinking of a Thai festival, Loi Krathong, where people float the little bananaleaf/flower/candle boats.

Letting go of bad sad things and making wishes for the new year. She said it was a very good idea, why not go to Thailand, it would suit me. Wow. Yes it would suit me, but not DP. Maybe for us together flying a kite would fit better. Of course when we were talking about this I had tears escaping...

You know that sometimes when you drink a cup of hot tea you get hot suddenly? or when you get emotional? or... when they could be hot flashes? It's not very dramatic, but it is definitely at the back of my mind, and I told her.
Then after some more happy and sad moments BambiEyes suggested that my hormones might contribute to my moodswings too.
Gosh, in English it sounds worse. in Dutch it is more change of atmosphere, like a little cloud floats by, while moodswings sounds only two steps away from axe murderer. Anyway, what does sounds better in English is the birth control pill, where Dutch has anti conception pill. Since in the run up to DE I'll have to go on the pill anyway I might start sooner rather than later.
It would be great if that would help with emotional stability.

AMH 0

They called, and my AMH is zero. 0.
no more eggs, no more false hope.

And you know? It is ok. No difficult choices. No agonising about small chances, no maybes. No more what-ifs. All the grief and pain from the last years were not for nothing, but got me where I am now: I'm ready to start the most remarkable adventure of my life.

For some of my younger readers (geez that makes me feel old) I know you are out there. Twentysomething, just married, just had your diagnosis a couple months ago... It was not easy. I didn't write the posts about The ANGER. About how many times I almost packed my things to leave. About all the times I almost left my DP. The Denial, the Depression. I think I shared my tears here. But how often does one write about waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing what to do?
I'm not big on the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I think DP and I have our scars, our differences, but that's ok, that's the way it is now. I wish our lives could have been easier, with less Pain and Grief.

But now, first, more steps on the DE road. On the waiting list for the clinic psych, who started work again. Slowly.

Small steps. Big Journey.

Story from down under

My friend from down under sent me an email and I want to share the following story with you:

My brother was told he was unlikely to ever have kids - he and his wife tried for ages.  They went to a psychic, who told them that she saw them with twins around September 2009 - they were shattered when my other brother announced they were to have another baby - not just one, but twins! Yes, due in September 2009.........  They went to IVF and it finally worked!  Their son turns 1 on the first of May this year, but surprising everyone is that baby number two is due in September!  You just never know what's around the corner....

She can be a bit of the 'just relax' type of person who obviously means well:

I do think of you quite often, and wonder how you are travelling. I don't want to ask about the baby plans, and stress you out. Perhaps you just need to accept whatever comes. :)

I haven't told her about my plans yet, I think this time around I will tell most people after the fact anyway..

Waiting

Two more weeks before the result of the AMH blood test. Three weeks of waiting in total. I know that with not having a job at this moment it is harder to structure my day. It is harder to get out of bed. It is harder to find people to talk to. I find myself sitting in my house, waiting. worrying. DP tells me this test is only good news: either we get to try our luck with DE, or we get to have another go with my own eggs. I'm of course worried that my AMH comes back lousy, but not lousy enough. But still dooming own IVF.

A lead for a contract in Scotland came by in the email. And my very first thought was 'I can't go, I have to wait. Wait for the test. Wait how this plays out.' While a job in Scotland may or may not be a good idea, I'm slightly worried that I skip the basic question of 'Do I Want to go?'. Maybe I'm unconsciously protecting myself from disappointment: If I don't apply I will not be rejected....

HB isn't doing well. In the winter months we could lean on each other. But now, with his father dying, my worries are so futile in comparison. It is as if the gap between me doing better and him doing worse is too big most of the time. It hurts to see him struggle. To be powerless and helpless. And I worry...

Back to waiting I think. And carefully selecting one item from my to do list.

Intake

The clinic was a nice facility and people were friendly. DP and I spoke with a gentle lady Dr who asked the expected questions of how we got there, general health and fertility treatment history. She asked me if I remembered my FSH values and I told her 19, 23 and 9 of the top of my head. (I checked, I should have said 19, 32, 9 and 14, oh well) She did ask if I had my AMH tested, no, so she wanted that number first, as of last year it is supposed to be the better indicator if there are any eggs left. If my value comes back < 0.3 she would agree that DE is the way forward.

She then asked if I would be OK to receive bad news over the phone or that I would prefer to come in.
At that moment I realised that a low AMH reading would be ok with me, that it would be more upsetting if it came back high, because that would indicate I should have tried harder for IVF in 2009/2010 because I still have a slim chance. I guess this means a big part of me is ready to have double digit chances of trying rather than grasping at straws.
So I'm expecting a phone call in three weeks, to let me know my AMH and the recommendation of the Dr panel meeting.

The other thing that the clinic wants us to do is meet with their psychologist. The only problem is that she has been ill and is not yet back to work full time. So we're at the bottom of a waiting list and no one knows how fast she will get better. While I do understand, I'm not too happy of waiting again for a psychologist who was ill for 6 months, just a liiiiittle too familiar. I have requested that the Dr panel will consider an evaluation by BambiEyes. While she could not promise she said she will ask.
Pffffffff! I think that was it for today.

Intake appointment

Sunday evening I met up with Fof again. She and her partner had gone through the brochures and had not seen anything that made them change their mind. The only questions left are medical (like what contraindications are there for hormonal stimulation for her), so she and I concluded the time has come to see a doctor.

Wow.

When I told DP he started reading the library book on DE. That in itself counts as another step!
This morning I called the clinic and the first appointment available for an intake is this Wednesday. 8:30 AM.

WOOW

So soon...! And DP was totally unfazed, just said he would have to adjust his work schedule somewhat. It is lovely to see how he is both more comfortable and more involved when it comes to agendas and to do lists. Prepare meeting with doctor? He's got his target and he will meet it.
(I suppose no engineer would enter an emotional quicksand swamp without a map... So, while sometimes it feels very lonely struggling on my own, it is good to know he is waiting for me to join him on the happy side of life. Or on the road to get there!)

Farewell Knut

It was four years ago that baby polar bear Knut was the most famous baby on the planet. We went to Berlin then and took the very first steps on our TTC journey. That very first two week wait was filled with dreams and talk of our own little knut. So small and white, so fluffy, so adorable.

It came as a shock that Knut is no more.

It made me realise that our innocent dreams are gone as well. That sweet romantic dream of going on a holiday and falling pregnant, that special fairy tale to tell your child of its conception... all gone.
The year of TTC at home. The year of diagnosis, miscarriage and ART treatment. The hope of a baby that would look just like me... past without a trace. How could it be 4 years?
While searching youtube for news of Knut I also discovered that his keeper had died before him, at the age of 44. So sad.
Farewell gentle zoo keeper
Farewell Knut
Farewell innocent dreams.
I'll miss you.

Another one

Remember that 12 days ago I was sort of dreading that maybe my friend An might be pregnant? I picked the wrong woman... DP just got off the phone with his brother, who told him their IUI two months ago was successful. I made all the right noises. Now DP and I both have brothers with pregnant wives.
And I feel cheated.
Again.

HB left the office to be with his father in the hospital. Every time there is news it seems to be worse. It is one of those 'why do bad things happen to good people'. I want to be angry with the universe or something.

Oh, the original plan for this evening was to bake lemon poppyseed muffins, as tomorrow is the last day of my contract. Oh well, it will be store bought muffins then...

Update: couldn't sleep much, so made muffins at 6am. There is something soothing about grating lemon zest before sunrise.

Two more steps

On Friday was my long awaited appointment with BambiEyes. I was glad to be back. Could proudly tell her how much progress I had made. Thinking back how difficult I found December and January, tears were quick to come. She said I will have to say goodbye, certain things/emotions/people/dreams belong in the past now and I cannot keep carrying luggage around forever. She also warned me that while helping HB is a nice thing to do I have to find the fine line between helping as a friend and trying to rescue him. I'm not a professional. I know. And I wasn't planning on any kind of rescue, I'm trying to be there, as I think a friend would. Am I going too far if DP and I go there at least twice a month and cook some meals?
For me I feel safer to feel sad when there is someone to make me a cup of tea, someone who understands. Since HB is that friend to me I want to be that friend to him too.

Anyway.
Sunday was a lovely sunny day, start of 'summertime' as we say and I met Friend-of-friend in the park to speak about DE. I brought three brochures on different aspects of donating eggs. One was in normal language explaining different aspects of DE, one was a chapter from the national "law on embryos" and the last was from the national donor registration. We spoke for over an hour and I'm starting to believe she is the most perfect known donor imaginable. She feels that her eggs are cells, special cells yes, but not 'half-babies'. That any DE baby would be my baby. That I would understand that as soon as I was pregnant, that I would be the one growing that baby and that therefore I would be the mother. That she would be there for me if I needed that but not if not. That it would be up to me and my family to work out if and how we wanted contact.  At her workplace the subject had come up, and someone had asked her if she wasn't worried about me raising the kid(s) in a way she would not approve of, she said that 1 it would be my business and 2 she trusts me 100%.
She feels I shouldn't worry about how I can thank her enough, because it is her independent decision to help and thus I do not owe her. (?) I'm not entirely sure if I follow her reasoning here and/or report it correctly.


I've been trying to compare it to my own experience of donating blood. I always drink the free cups of tea and take a cookie. Would I feel 'pressured' if I received extra gifts? I think I would like flowers.... I can see the point of making it illegal to pay someone to donate (remember that commercialism and healthcare do not go together in this country) but being grateful?

If the clinic in the other city would be where we decide to go we could use her car (DP and I don't have one) but I should drive (Fof does not have a drivers license) and I can pay for petrol ;-)
She will have a look at the material I gave her, and we agreed to meet again next Sunday, same time, same park, different coffee. (I was proud of myself suggesting we pick a date, so I don't have to worry about how and when to contact her, not another waiting game) She hopes that if everything looks good we can get this show on the road somewhere after the beginning of June. With her and my job it makes sense and her daughters are still in school during June and July. But my God. June is hardly 2 months away!
My birthday is in June. I better get used to being 38 before I turn 39.

While it was a pleasant conversation I was very emotional during the Sunday afternoon concert of our mutual friend (it was after her previous concert that we all sat in a cafe and Fof first offered to donate eggs). Hardly slept a wink last two nights. Chances this will work are somewhere between 10 and 50%. I refuse to consider the 50 to 90%, that is just too scary right now. I need to keep my act together. Can the knot in my stomach please untie itself now?

Announcements and cards

Tuesday I got a card from my neighbour, thanking me for the hurray balloons. That she understood it wouldn't be easy for me, so a special thank you.... It was a lovely card and almost made me cry. I'm lucky to have a neighbour who understands.

Wednesday I had a lunch date with a colleague from my previous company, I hadn't seen him for ages. He picked me up in a new car. Me: hey, you've got a new car, it is a lot bigger than your previous one! Him: Well, it needs to be bigger, we will need to fit another baby seat in the back soon. Me: Wow, a third child? Congratulations, when is the baby due? Him: Next month.
Pfffff. He knows about my IF, but, well. Never mind.
(Gosh, do I have to suspect people of third babies now?)

When I got home there was an envelope with a handwritten address on it, so I knew immediately it was something personal. It was my childhood neighbour girl who I knew was struggling with IF treatments for more than a year, maybe even more than two years. We had talked about it in depth once, but somehow we didn't really keep in touch. In her letter she very candidly explained she had been nervous about her IVF in January this year, hadn't wanted to talk about it then, and that it had been successful. That she understood it might be difficult for me and therefore had wanted to let me know this way.
I'm so happy for her, and so very grateful she send a card to let me know. It is almost that because I didn't have to react and make sure I was happy for her, I could.
I am happy to know that IF treatments help people get pregnant.  After telling DP I suddenly got worried, counting the weeks, and realising that mid Jan to mid Mar is only 2 months, not yet third trimester... Figment came to mind and I started to get sad and overwhelmed.
Went to bed early before it had a chance to be too much for one day.
Thursday seemed ok. Nothing like watching TV as denial therapy
This morning I was so tired that just the thought of step-kid-weekend brought tears to my eyes. Made a phone call to HB to see if he was ok, but he had bad news from his family and hadn't slept much either.
I guess it is getting a bit much after all...

On Sunday I'll meet up with my friend An (we're friends since school and uni and we don't meet often enough at all), and I'm almost dreading that she might be pregnant as well. And equally dreading she might still not be, I think she has been trying for a second child for two years now. I feel awful for even thinking this.
Hopefully the weekend will be much better than what I'm afraid of now. Hopefully all I need is a good night sleep.