They called, and my AMH is zero. 0.
no more eggs, no more false hope.
And you know? It is ok. No difficult choices. No agonising about small chances, no maybes. No more what-ifs. All the grief and pain from the last years were not for nothing, but got me where I am now: I'm ready to start the most remarkable adventure of my life.
For some of my younger readers (geez that makes me feel old) I know you are out there. Twentysomething, just married, just had your diagnosis a couple months ago... It was not easy. I didn't write the posts about The ANGER. About how many times I almost packed my things to leave. About all the times I almost left my DP. The Denial, the Depression. I think I shared my tears here. But how often does one write about waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing what to do?
I'm not big on the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I think DP and I have our scars, our differences, but that's ok, that's the way it is now. I wish our lives could have been easier, with less Pain and Grief.
But now, first, more steps on the DE road. On the waiting list for the clinic psych, who started work again. Slowly.
Small steps. Big Journey.
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You know,this makes complete and total sense. As devastating as it is to find out you have NO chance of a genetically related child,you're absolutely right that at least it relieves you of the tough choices playing tiny probabilities. That's the consolation prize, and having the absolute conviction of what to do next must be a relief.
ReplyDeleteOh my, I have tears in my eyes for my brave companion - so sad you have had to travel this lonely road, but so glad that despite all that, you are where you are today, ready to strike out anew.
ReplyDeleteThat's really something, Valery. xx
I love the confidence and sense of wisdom in your words and wish you luck on this big journey :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've got an answer and you can move forward. Good luck with your new adventure, I'll be cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteOh, my dear. I am so sorry. Hard, bitter news, and yet, yes, I can see that it's almost a relief to have your path set for you now. I wish you all the best in your journey, you brave brave woman.
ReplyDelete(Hugs)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
I am sorry your AMH came back as 0. No matter how ready you were for the info, I'm sure 0 was not what you were expecting to hear. I am glad you are able to move forward with DE with no reservations or what if's about your own eggs.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I had missed this post! Sorry!
ReplyDeleteLike you say now at least it's definite. I felt the same when I lost my second tube.
Love, Fran