When bad news is good news

Last week Tuesday HB had to leave early from work because something had happened to his mother that left her unresponsive and unable to eat or drink. When he got there they told him it was probably a tia (or mini-stroke) and the first 24 hours would make the difference.On Wednesday morning he texted to say she had managed to drink something. On Wednesday evening came the news that would normally be the bad news: she was nibbling on the plants in the room.
If we assume for a moment that the nursing staff would pick something else for first food  it would mean she moves about a bit again and tried to eat.
It is so weird that even sad situation can seem good after it was worse...
Haven't had a chance to talk with HB privately, and I can well imagine he didn't want to talk much about it at work. Not sure if I feel more sad or relieved, she almost died, but didn't.
And you wouldn't say that when she recovers from this she is back to her former self, as her stage of dementia was already so advanced there is little left of her former self.

Thankfully HB is a huggable person (to me), because sometimes there is not much to say...

(Sorry, forgot to hit publish last week, HB seems back to normal now)

It's not going away

In the first week of taking HRT I think I forgot to once or twice. And discovered the wheely packaging wasn't convenient at all for skipping one. Haven't read up if I should skip or take two the next day, I guess I should find out. Because now there is bleeding going on. Light days, but I don't think they should be happening at all. blergh.

On Thursday DP and I tried to discuss what I should do about my bad review at work. DP was saying that no matter how much I disagree I still have to accept that in the reality of hipster boss something is wrong and I have to fix it. (blergh)
He said it is common to have an "improvement plan" and have weekly half hour meetings. To discuss said improvements. DP said that if I refuse it will be easy to fire me at the end of the year/next six months. (More Blergh)
I SO do not want a babysitting boss. No matter how normal that may be.

Then again, I'm not sure if I can muster the energy to go look for a consulting gig again. It might be hard to find something part time, don't really know.


I know I am stubborn. I know I am impatient with people who don't know their job (the flip side of 'I love to work with smart people who know what they are doing)
I'm willing to accept I have a huge blind spot for anything else that could be perceived as wrong with me. Not so much willing to "improve".

Is it a side effect of trying to accept the Universe the way it is rather than the way I wanted it?

Pffff, my stomach is tying itself in knots thinking about it again, still really quite upset about this review melarky. HB suggested I should try find out what makes me so angry first. DP warned me that ignoring it is not going to make it go away.

I hate feeling like it doesn't matter what I think/feel. Is this post running around in circles? Sorry for that, I'll stop now.

In the Park

Yesterday we went to the Vondelpark with Suzy. She is 18 almost 19 months now, and runs around in that toddler way. Playing in the sand, running over to the climbing blocks, back to the sand. Then other people started to arrive, among them twin boys her age. One was up on the blocks all the time, the other came over to play with Suzy. At some point she fell, and his older brother came over to tell him to be gentle, and give her a hug or a kiss. While I don't teach Suzy to kiss people I thought it quite cute. She had no idea what was going on and looked a bit perplexed.

All while those twins were around I could feel some knocking on a little closed door inside me.

Later that evening I found myself on youtube. watching twin videos.

Today I was rereading my own posts about Suzy's vanishing twin, letting my tears out.

O well, that is the way of grief, it pops up every now and then.

People have been posting about the research, that says that letting go of the dream is ehhhh, well, it doesn't say it is the hardest part, it just points out that people who don't let go have "worse mental health outcomes".

For me it is still a bit of a fine line. I dreamt of twins in my heart of hearts.( For a loooong time, I picked boy twin names in 1993!!! ) For almost  two months I believed it was happening, and then it wasn't anymore.

Most days I'm happy to give Suzy my full attention, it is just when I see twin strollers I'm reminded of what didn't happen. And apparently it is one step harder when twins her age are getting close up and personal.

Mid year review

I need to vent about my boss. Today I had my mid year review (it is a mandatory thing)
With the boss who hired me I always had good to very good reviews. He knew the system and trained me on it to do more complicated stuff than my other team members.
This new hipster-boss doesn't know what I am doing, he admits that. So he talked for an hour about my 'attitude and behaviour' and found me lacking. Officially. He tried to explain to me how and why.
I sat there listening, trying to make sense of his words. But I didn't recognise anything. I almost started wondering if he was really talking about me. But every so often he said again I was capable of so much more, I guess that is the only thing we agree on.
I suppose the thing is I don't want to work on my full level because my company doesn't offer me a position on that level. I feel i have asked them repeatedly and it is just not happening.
(And I'm sick and tired of being a low paid woman doing the work where an overpaid man takes the praise for it. Or, when the overpaid man screws up his work tries to blame me)

Then in the afternoon we had our yearly IT event. We were so lucky with the weather, sun and wind, great to be outside. With 155 people we went on a boat to the world heritage site of the island of Pampus, where we had a tour, drinks and played children's games and Viking's Chess: Kubb. When I threw the winning block we were high fiving and I forgot all about being upset and wanting to cry.

(During lunch DP and HB advised me to let it go for a day or two, and then read it over, start asking questions and gather information. HB also joked that next time they would sit in on my review, wearing sunglasses)

Activelle

Managed to go to my GP today.
The blood test result or letter from the hospital had not arrived, but thankfully my doctor was happy to take my word for it. Updated thyroid pill prescription to 112microgram, so I don't have to break 75 microgram pills in half anymore to add the right amount.

New is the HRT, she is starting me on Activelle: 1mg estradiol and 0.5 mg norethisterone acetate.
Also managed to go to the pharmacy to pick it up.
What is so special about this pill it needs to be in a silly round box? And why put it in a transparent box if it must not be exposed to light?
Why call it a calendar box if I will not get a cycle?
My GP told me I was lucky that her senior partner had just retired, he was against HRT. Apparently Dutch doctors are divided about prescribing it, very worried about The Possible Increase Of Cancer Risk (mainly Ovarian and Breast cancer)

Just reading some more of the info, it says not to use HRT while breastfeeding. WHY? (Probably because no research has been done on babies?)
I'm going to ignore that for now.

Milestone Monday

Certain things are easy to teach, other things surprisingly difficult.
Today Suzy reached the tiniest of milestones, more of a milepebble: she could blow her nose.
It is still a bit of a mystery to her, but she was so proud she could hold the tissue herself. (She even forgot to shred it, like she normally does when she gets her hands on a tissue)

Warm Waves

Warm waves.
Sometimes I start feeling warm when I enter Suzy's room when it's hot.
(Sorry Suzy, we didn't know your room would be the hottest room in the house during sunny summer days)
Sometimes the warmth creeps in when I drink tea.
Sometimes there is no reason at all for me to start feeling warm.

I'm not sure if this is what other people would call hot flashes. It is not that hot, if I remove one layer of clothing I'm fine again. It is not all that flashy fast, more a wave rolling in.
I have skipped a period. Or, taken a little break. Won't know till another CD 1 comes around.
Sigh, I don't know what is happening.
And I don't know if I'm ready to hear it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote that in August. It looks like I'm in denial about hot flashes. It looks like I was in denial about every possible symptom of POF other than infertility.
Fran said in her comment to read up on it.
"Estrogen-progestin replacement therapy should be instituted as soon as the diagnosis is made. Androgen replacement should also be considered for women with low libido, persistent fatigue, and poor well-being despite taking adequate estrogen replacement." according to PubMed  
I realise this study is almost 15 years old, and maybe contradictory studies have been done since.
BUT, I was diagnosed, what, 6 years ago? Someone, somewhere along the line could a doctor could have said something?

Little point in worrying over my bone density now. I have been fairly active most of those years and haven't broken anything. (And we Dutch people love our dairy products)
I'll just go out after writing and get some Calcium&Vit D tablets again. The minty ones are good.
On Monday I'll call my GP for an appointment. And give instructions to read up on HRT.
And a repeat subscription for thyroid meds.

Verdict: Nothing Wrong

On August 4th , just after Summer Holidays, I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist in the hospital. On the way there, on my bike I slipped on wet cobble stones while turning into Vondelpark, so I arrived with a cut in my hand and scraped elbow and knees.
I felt kinda funny asking for a band aid at the reception of a hospital.
The first part of the appointment was with a medical student. This girl was well prepared, had three pages of tight scribbles, asking for several symptoms of glands/internal organs/functions I was only dimly aware of. Spleen, liver, adrenal. It took about an hour.
After I had some time to sip tea from my thermos, the specialist herself had some time, grabbed two different lab sheets and after asking questions for ten minutes started ticking boxes.
Auto-immune, thyroid check, diabetes, anaemia, vitamin deficiencies, the female hormones.
We agreed I should try to have my blood drawn on CD5 to find out more about this returning cycle of mine.
You guessed it: cycle gone.

After a month the Dr called to tell me I should have the blood draw anyway, so I did; last Friday.
Today she called me, to tell me there was nothing out of the ordinary in the lab results.
Sooooo, in a way this is good news, thyroid medical level is OK, no underlying illness. Just confirmation of menopause being here for me (FSH 49)
But this means there is no biomedical reason for me to be forgetful, unfocussed or tired.

As these things happen I discussed this option this very same morning with BambiEyes.
She reminded me that intelligent people use the prefrontal cortex for planning. foreseeing the results of your actions, then planning your actions for optimal result/efficiency/logistics. And that also this functioning suffers when you're tired. Plus with a toddler in the house there is a lot more planning to do.
(e.g. Suzy is too young to tell me she is thirsty, so I have to keep track of how much and how often she drinks)
So I shouldn't be surprised that with more planning to do and less capacity I don't feel as capable as before.
oh, for the people looking for advantages/silver linings of not having children: please add memory and planning to your list. And not having to have dinner before baby bed time.

Where was I.
Ah, hormones. Will have to look into early menopause and its symptoms, hormone replacement therapy and keep an eye on that thyroid.
(And try to find friends with young children and ask to what degree they got their body/brain back and when)
Why do I keep thinking this is all my own fault? "just focus" is the new "just relax"?

Glorious Summer Days

Twenty-something degrees C, a gentle breeze, light blue sky. I love summer. I love being able to go outside without a jacket. To not pack rain gear just in case.
To feel the sun warm on my skin, a caress.
We had a glorious summer this year, for weeks and weeks. In the middle of August it seemed all over, with the coldest Aug 19th for 90 years. But this week it feels like August again. My Wednesday off work feels like a holiday.
My father was on the phone, he didn't know what to do with himself so we met up on a nearby playground. He told me that now that he is retired he has taken some time off. (ehhh, huh? okay) When the antique shop opened we went looking for a bookcase for all his sheet music.

Suzy was more enthusiastic about vintage teddybears, chinese horses and a set of antlers, and luckily managed not to break anything.
Milestone for today: Suzy managed to put a shoe back ON. Yay. (she is pretty fast in taking shoes and socks off, not always convenient)

I tried to get the results of my extensive blood test from last Friday in the hospital, but the lady on the phone said she wasn't allowed to open my file. I asked if she could send the results to my GP, but same answer. I have to ask the hospital Dr to give instructions to send, then she will send it. I would have thought it is my file, so I should be the one to give instructions. Oh well. At least she could tell me the Dr is scheduled to call me tomorrow and discuss the results.

How come it's September already?

This weekend was a busy busy weekend. Saturday was the yearly family reunion from DP's family. Good enough weather, Suzy did a good nap and had a good time with distant nieces entertaining her.
I was hugely relieved to talk to some cousin of his who also said she had big memory troubles after having been pregnant.
Sunday was my father's big do for his 70th and retirement. More than 150 people. My brother came over, was so good to have him there. I can't remember why his wife and sons didn't come, (we're so used to that by now we don't even ask) so Suzy was the only small child.
I dressed Suzy in that Italian dress-for-special-occasions and little blue French shoes. She was treated as a star and made many people happy. (She looks a lot like this model now.) Sadly her nap was only half a nap, and she slowly became hyperactive and disturbing to the musicians.
Dinner was supposed to be from 7 till 9 pm, but at 9 the main course still hadn't been served.
I had brought a travel cot / baby tent as back up, but DP felt sorry for Suzy and brought her home.

Sorry if this isn't quite coherent, with all the cleaning up afterwards I only got home after midnight.
But since Mel suggested microblogging Monday I thought something medium would do...

oh and for people wondering about the DE aspect in current life? That first time I found that il gufo dress picture it didn't dawn on me till evening that Suzy would have a fairly large chance to have Italian/Spanish looks!
(And yesterday even my mother happily accepted compliments of Suzy looking like her. She did mention that specifically to me.)(Even though it is probably prednisone that gives my mother baby cheeks)
Now the uncanny look-a-like model does my heart good, and only has a little but-what-if-she-is-a-secret-twin