Life, Universe and Everything.
:-)
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Shaky
Emboldened by your kind comments I resumed holiday talk on the Sunday night.
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Which turned out a bit of disaster.
And DP saying he wanted to go to Sweden with just the boys FOR TWO WEEKS. And he grabbed my laptop and started reading out loud booking options.
Which was cruel in two ways - rubbing it in - I couldn't blog!!
So I went to bed fuming.
Thursday BambiEyes again. She agreed this was worth starting all over again.
-what would my ideal holiday look like
-what are his fears
-what are his dreams
-don't go into logistics or compromise straight away, feelings first, listening first.
And I tried again after dinner last night.
Well, DP's fears are easy: he is afraid of frustration build up in the holiday and loosing regular contact with his oldest again, like two years ago.
I did point out that two years ago we lost Loki on the very first day of our trip.
I did point out that he only lost contact AFTER he told the boys about Suzy and his ex throwing a Hissy Fit.
I said it wasn't fair to blame that all on me. (and punish me by excluding me)
I promised to have a happier holiday if no children would die
DP said things like : "you are not listening" "at some point we are done talking"
but I refused to give up (slowly crumbling on the sofa, my voice wavering, my legs shaking)
saying we hadn't even begun talking, saying it is OK to disagree, saying we don't have to solve everything in one day, but most definitely not done talking.
Then we made a start with unravelling the framework, phrasing the conditions for a holiday.
So not including my parents (geez how did he think I was insisting on accepting their offer too?)
Enough room for each family member to have some privacy.
Boy activities for the boys.
A separate time for my parents, DP, Suzy and me
I offered to fly with Suzy while they drive.
We agreed we can give it a try to work it out. Sleep on it first. Pfffew.
writing it down it all seems so simple and obvious now, but OMG I had so much hormones racing around my body I woke up at 5 am.
And I realised Suzy doesn't have a passport yet.
The to do list suddenly exploded!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Summer
Suddenly it is summer.
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
glorious weather, and everyone seems more relaxed.
At work an opportunity has come up to be part of a project (in the development team) so I can leave the operations team for 2 months. (At least) This is good. this is my big chance to get into this other team, and hopefully do some test and analysis work again. The work I used to do.
It's just, I'm not excited. I had my little morning routine of making tea with Lily. Our little chats. I used to like change. O well, maybe when I've moved and started it will feel better. After the long weekend. So it should be easy: work Tuesday, at home Wednesday, then Thurs and Fri. Go to C5 on Saturday to help with moving in to the new apartment with his lovely midwife girlfriend. (Who loves babies, and Suzy very much. She already said I can keep all babystuff for her, she's that happy to join the family and reuse clothes for the babies she is dreaming of)
My birthday on Sunday, so no idea when to bake the cake. Must be morning then, with guests in the afternoon.
Summer also means summer holidays with the boys. My parents had offered for a long time already to go someplace seaside. DP had been holding off on making plans for the longest time, wasn't sure about the boys blah blah etc. The boys have been so lovely around Suzy and everyone is getting along so much better than before. The oldest has really matured, 15, with his 6 foot as tall as I am. I was thinking that if there ever is a chance to go on a vacation with the 5 of us it would be this year. Because at 16 he might be going off on his own?
So I was really disappointed when DP said they want to go just the three of them. Preferably Sweden, canooing. AAARRGGHH: that was the first holiday DP and I had together! It feels now as if that was our honeymoon. And he is going again, without me.
I was prepared for a lot of variations, but not this one. Rejection is never easy.
Not sure if I should argue and rearrange. Don't know how to accept defeat and not be bitter about it. (I already avoided them last night) Should I explain they could still go out and do ´man action stuff´ while we are on vacation with 5 of us? And I'll take care of all things baby?
Maybe I should try and not be overly dramatic.
They are with us for 3 weeks, and my parents only offered one week. That leaves 2 other weeks for compromise. (But can't shake the feeling that they'll just hang around at home and watch television)
Gah.
I slept on this post for a night.
We had a lovely day today. Suzy running after the boys while they were kicking a ball in the park, running after little doggies. Then we all went to the paddling pool, a first for Suzy. She thinks it is weird you can't walk on water, she kept trying to step on top of it. But splashing was fun.
At home DP made pizza on the BBQ, lovely as well.
I love to see the small and big kids interact.
I'm going to try to find some compromise, even if just for a few days...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Shower
mhmm, where to begin...
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C4 isn't much into talking about his late brother, or keepsakes or mementos for that matter.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
My grandfather had 9 grandchildren. Let's call them C1 to C9
C1 would be me, C2 my brother. C3 was my oldest cousin, the one who died in 2007. C4, his younger brother married a girl from Indonesia (back in 2009), and they just had a baby boy.
The card was a bit strange to me. I mean, who writes "we welcome with so much love and joy the birth of our first son" ?
I guess it is the first son bit that gets me. Like they are planning to have more sons (although C4 told me he was wishing for a girl) Also the email telling the family what gift to get was borderline rude. Anyway.
I love my family very much, and C5 through 9 plus aunts/uncles were coming too, and poor baby can't help the social skills / religious quirks / cultural distance of his parents.
DP wasn't keen to go so he was staying home with Suzy while I made it a day for just me. Starting with brunch with HB in intermediate city. Proper cream tea! Then on to shower, finishing with dinner with C5 -6-7 , one uncle and my parents.
C6 (ahhh, separate story) still had a teddy bear that belonged to C3, in mint condition. She brought that as a gift for the baby. Probably the only thing he will ever receive from the ....... pff stuck for words... man who died before he became an uncle. I was so happy she found the perfect way to have C3 there. She decided not to tell C4 though, to not risk making him uncomfortable. It is not for everyone to celebrate new life while remembering loss.
Thankfully a member from the other side of the C3/4 family was there. A man my age I'd say, 2 kids, lovely wife. We kept talking. Her sister was a gynaecologist, pregnant through ICSI/IVF. At 5 weeks one heartbeat , single embryo transfer. Then a bit later a second heartbeat. Maybe a natural pregnancy after the IVF? Maybe a late split and identical twin? NOT the same size, so a bit of a worry and uncertainty.
They understood what seeing 2 heartbeats feels like.
I do not have their contact details, just know that they live in my city. I keep telling myself it is kind of strange to try to get in touch with them just to find out what happens. Maybe it is enough for now to know there are normal people who are happy to talk about C3 and twins and living babies and children all on one afternoon.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Yay for Yoga
Even though I was six minutes late I decided to just go. Glad I did.
I've read it on so many blogs that people experience pregnancy /birth waves around them, and finally there is one happening around me.
Former boss , Lily's sister, DP's cousin, my cousin.
Happy for them, and not sad at all for me. But the one miracle baby? That would be baby Delinquent Eggs. So so happy that miracles happen after repeated loss. My confession? I saved the photo of O & K. Like Delinquent said: she is perfect in every way. And I gaze upon that picture every now and then.
I'm terrible at goodbyes, so extra glad that not every good bye is final. And I secretly hope she will blog some more. But realise that is not very likely.
I'm getting a bit better at saying little things about missing Suzy's twin. Today on DP's lap she looked so tiny against his broad shoulders that I said he could easily have two on his lap. It would be more work. We would be more tired. It would be more special. But is it not that we are only "half" happy now. And when I think about it I do feel like I have five kids, including DP's boys, Knut, Suzy and Loki in that count.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
BambiEyes
Who would have thought: BambiEyes is back! It's been two and a half years almost since our last therapy meeting.
It was lovely catching up with her. Great to share all the good news. I was almost tempted to not say anything about my forgetfulness, problems with concentrating (o dear, I forgot the rest of them symptoms) and the fact that my newest boss told me in our very first get-to-know-each-other meeting that if I kept going like that I would receive a bad annual review (which basically means no bonus and zero pay rise. the only thing worse than that is a very bad review which gets me fired)
It is hard to distinguish cause and effect with an unreliable thyroid, FSH and LH on menopause levels and breastfeeding a one year old, but any of these would be enough to get one off balance.
It is hard for me to judge the scale of the lack of focus, but it took me a second appointment with BambiEyes to finish writing about the first.
I love getting back to her.
She asked me what I do for me. When I answered i love having my Wednesday off and spending it with Delia and her little one she said that is mothering stuff. Something for me. And I couldn't come up with anything. I stopped going to yoga since the new boss, and I haven't been back to my orchestra. I haven't been joining the evening skate tours for ages. I hardly get around to baking cakes or inviting friends over.
HB comes over, we go to his place, but that is almost always as a family of three.
Then she said that I've been through so much that I have been in survival mode for years. That maybe now we need to work on living.
I have a feeling I have all the right ingredients. Summer is coming, how hard can it be?
And hey, the blog is something for me! Started already.
And maaayyyybe I'll get a haircut too.
or a birthday party!
It was lovely catching up with her. Great to share all the good news. I was almost tempted to not say anything about my forgetfulness, problems with concentrating (o dear, I forgot the rest of them symptoms) and the fact that my newest boss told me in our very first get-to-know-each-other meeting that if I kept going like that I would receive a bad annual review (which basically means no bonus and zero pay rise. the only thing worse than that is a very bad review which gets me fired)
It is hard to distinguish cause and effect with an unreliable thyroid, FSH and LH on menopause levels and breastfeeding a one year old, but any of these would be enough to get one off balance.
It is hard for me to judge the scale of the lack of focus, but it took me a second appointment with BambiEyes to finish writing about the first.
I love getting back to her.
She asked me what I do for me. When I answered i love having my Wednesday off and spending it with Delia and her little one she said that is mothering stuff. Something for me. And I couldn't come up with anything. I stopped going to yoga since the new boss, and I haven't been back to my orchestra. I haven't been joining the evening skate tours for ages. I hardly get around to baking cakes or inviting friends over.
HB comes over, we go to his place, but that is almost always as a family of three.
Then she said that I've been through so much that I have been in survival mode for years. That maybe now we need to work on living.
I have a feeling I have all the right ingredients. Summer is coming, how hard can it be?
And hey, the blog is something for me! Started already.
And maaayyyybe I'll get a haircut too.
or a birthday party!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
We Bought Our House
Today was a big day: we bought our house!
The paperwork took much longer than anyone expected, but with the renovation and all permits done and after the official waiting period (of another 7 weeks for anyone to object to our permit) we have signed for the house. Finally final.
And while we were at the notary we signed last will and testaments and a living-together contract as well.
We celebrated with a lunch with my parents at the new Waldorf Astoria on our canal. (we were seated on the blue sofa's on the left)
All babysitting options had fallen through, but Suzy was well behaved and generally adorable in her little Italian dress. Adding helpful comments "Uh oh" when I dropped something, and helping DP eat his cake. In the hotel she would trundle around and steal hearts and smiles all around.
When we got home DP suddenly got nervous about paying our monthly costs, we did some excel but that did not really help. He even claimed he wanted to stop his weekly day off for Suzy. Then we all took naps.
I googled for a picture of the dress, and was surprised to see an Italian look alike of Suzy modelling it.
Her face is different, but the hair is spot on (and I found a second hand version in red of the blue stripey dress)
The paperwork took much longer than anyone expected, but with the renovation and all permits done and after the official waiting period (of another 7 weeks for anyone to object to our permit) we have signed for the house. Finally final.
And while we were at the notary we signed last will and testaments and a living-together contract as well.
We celebrated with a lunch with my parents at the new Waldorf Astoria on our canal. (we were seated on the blue sofa's on the left)
When we got home DP suddenly got nervous about paying our monthly costs, we did some excel but that did not really help. He even claimed he wanted to stop his weekly day off for Suzy. Then we all took naps.
I googled for a picture of the dress, and was surprised to see an Italian look alike of Suzy modelling it.
Her face is different, but the hair is spot on (and I found a second hand version in red of the blue stripey dress)
Saturday, May 10, 2014
FSH : LH
I did call the GP practice. I did get my numbers. I wrote them down. I took the note home. I googled the numbers. Found an early menopause website. Cause yes, numbers high enough to clearly point in the menopause direction. Then I got sucked into reading about all the options (or lack thereof). Part of my mind switched back to the whole infertile-in-the-trenches mindset. And I did not like it one bit.
And promptly swapped to denial. So now I lost the numbers.
I know it is on a neon pink post it, somewhere in the house. No longer sticking to the back of my mobile phone though. and it took me ages to get back to blog. I blame Bionic, who linked to that game 2048. ;-) It is highly, really highly addictive. Yet so simple. After I 'won' I managed to not play it for a couple of days. But it is a big time suck on the computer. Great for denial.
(as always, so glad I didn't get into the whole social media things, I don't venture from under my rock so far)
So, uhm. Have to get back to real life. Normal life. Where I do not really worry about my doctor (or science) not knowing everything. No regret about hypothetical missed chances. Just family (loads), ageing parents, and a few friends. And chocolate of course.
Have a nice evening!
And promptly swapped to denial. So now I lost the numbers.
I know it is on a neon pink post it, somewhere in the house. No longer sticking to the back of my mobile phone though. and it took me ages to get back to blog. I blame Bionic, who linked to that game 2048. ;-) It is highly, really highly addictive. Yet so simple. After I 'won' I managed to not play it for a couple of days. But it is a big time suck on the computer. Great for denial.
(as always, so glad I didn't get into the whole social media things, I don't venture from under my rock so far)
So, uhm. Have to get back to real life. Normal life. Where I do not really worry about my doctor (or science) not knowing everything. No regret about hypothetical missed chances. Just family (loads), ageing parents, and a few friends. And chocolate of course.
Have a nice evening!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
GP says
At the dentist I pointed out this weird bump on my upper gums. I did remember that at that exact spot I had had a root canal treatment before, so I figured it couldn't infect any more.
I was right about the spot, it was treated in 2009 indeed. But the very tip of one of three roots was bending backwards, and could not be reached 100% but only 90%. For most people that should have done the trick. I'm not most people apparently.
Also something not quite normal on the other side, so he even though he couldn't see anything he took a picture saying he trusted me knowing my body.
And Yay for needing another root canal done. The three positive things I can think of
Going back mid May.
GP called. the good news is I do not have anaemia or the kissing disease in active form, although she said I have had it in the past. (When though? no clue!)
My TSH numbers are reacting slowly to the higher dose of medication. Since I'm feeling much less tired on it, I'll try this dose (75) for a bit longer. (and not up the dose again because my sleeping is worse)
Also, my FSH and LH were tested. She said I was clearly menopausal.
Yesterday at work I felt a little something. wet. Told myself to practice more kegels and ignore it. When I went to the loo I saw I shouldn't have ignored it. Of course I was wearing light blue summer pants! Had to go home and change. Made me feel stupid. So even though the doctor thinks the numbers mean I should not bleed any more, my body disagrees. I shall call back and ask for the numbers.
Or, my doctor is right and something else is wrong and makes me bleed. Neither option is very attractive.
mhm, coming back to update and say I'm still forgetful. Because I forgot. Duh.
I was right about the spot, it was treated in 2009 indeed. But the very tip of one of three roots was bending backwards, and could not be reached 100% but only 90%. For most people that should have done the trick. I'm not most people apparently.
Also something not quite normal on the other side, so he even though he couldn't see anything he took a picture saying he trusted me knowing my body.
And Yay for needing another root canal done. The three positive things I can think of
- equipment has been improved since 2009 and so has the chance of success
- it doesn't hurt now
- the first €400 is covered by my dentist insurance
Going back mid May.
GP called. the good news is I do not have anaemia or the kissing disease in active form, although she said I have had it in the past. (When though? no clue!)
My TSH numbers are reacting slowly to the higher dose of medication. Since I'm feeling much less tired on it, I'll try this dose (75) for a bit longer. (and not up the dose again because my sleeping is worse)
Also, my FSH and LH were tested. She said I was clearly menopausal.
Yesterday at work I felt a little something. wet. Told myself to practice more kegels and ignore it. When I went to the loo I saw I shouldn't have ignored it. Of course I was wearing light blue summer pants! Had to go home and change. Made me feel stupid. So even though the doctor thinks the numbers mean I should not bleed any more, my body disagrees. I shall call back and ask for the numbers.
Or, my doctor is right and something else is wrong and makes me bleed. Neither option is very attractive.
mhm, coming back to update and say I'm still forgetful. Because I forgot. Duh.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Wiki says
Psychological
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Fatigue
- Irritability
- Memory loss, and problems with concentration
- Mood disturbance
- Sleep disturbances, poor or light sleep, insomnia, and daytime sleepiness
Someone tried to write about menopause (Hi Mali!) but felt she had to be vague because her blog isn't completely anonymous. She hinted menopause is a bit of a taboo. I hadn't even realised.
I can't get myself to google for menopause, for health risks, for warning signs. Finally took a first step and looked it up on Wiki. From the above list of psychological symptoms I'm only not experiencing anxiety. Not so sure about irritability. (cause surely other people are irritating, it is not just me, right?)
I'm telling myself there are probably many more reasons to explain the above. I got another blood test with very many boxes ticked on the form. Will discuss with my GP in two days.
Dentist tomorrow.
Will keep you posted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)