We Bought Our House

Today was a big day: we bought our house!
The paperwork took much longer than anyone expected, but with the renovation and all permits done and after the official waiting period (of another 7 weeks for anyone to object to our permit) we have signed for the house. Finally final.
And while we were at the notary we signed last will and testaments and a living-together contract as well.

We celebrated with a lunch with my parents at the new Waldorf Astoria on our canal. (we were seated on the blue sofa's on the left)

All babysitting options had fallen through, but Suzy was well behaved and generally adorable in her little Italian dress. Adding helpful comments  "Uh oh" when I dropped something, and helping DP eat his cake. In the hotel she would trundle around and steal hearts and smiles all around.

When we got home DP suddenly got nervous about paying our monthly costs, we did some excel but that did not really help. He even claimed he wanted to stop his weekly day off for Suzy. Then we all took naps. 
I googled for a picture of the dress, and was surprised to see an Italian look alike of Suzy modelling it.
Her face is different, but the hair is spot on (and I found a second hand version in red of the blue stripey dress)

FSH : LH

I did call the GP practice. I did get my numbers. I wrote them down. I took the note home. I googled the numbers. Found an early menopause website. Cause yes, numbers high enough to clearly point in the menopause direction. Then I got sucked into reading about all the options (or lack thereof). Part of my mind switched back to the whole infertile-in-the-trenches mindset. And I did not like it one bit.
And promptly swapped to denial. So now I lost the numbers.
I know it is on a neon pink post it, somewhere in the house. No longer sticking to the back of my mobile phone though. and it took me ages to get back to blog. I blame Bionic, who linked to that game 2048. ;-) It is highly, really highly addictive. Yet so simple. After I 'won' I managed to not play it for a couple of days. But it is a big time suck on the computer. Great for denial.
(as always, so glad I didn't get into the whole social media things, I don't venture from under my rock so far)

So, uhm. Have to get back to real life. Normal life. Where I do not really worry about my doctor (or science) not knowing everything. No regret about hypothetical missed chances. Just family (loads), ageing parents, and a few friends. And chocolate of course.
Have a nice evening!

GP says

At the dentist I pointed out this weird bump on my upper gums. I did remember that at that exact spot I had had a root canal treatment before, so I figured it couldn't infect any more.
I was right about the spot, it was treated in 2009 indeed. But the very tip of one of three roots was bending backwards, and could not be reached 100% but only 90%. For most people that should have done the trick. I'm not most people apparently.
Also something not quite normal on the other side, so he even though he couldn't see anything he took a picture saying he trusted me knowing my body.
And Yay for needing another root canal done.  The three positive things I can think of

1. equipment has been improved since 2009 and so has the chance of success
2. it doesn't hurt now
3. the first €400 is covered by my dentist insurance

Other than that it seems a stack of bad luck.
Going back mid May.

GP called. the good news is I do not have anaemia or the kissing disease in active form, although she said I have had it in the past. (When though? no clue!)
My TSH numbers are reacting slowly to the higher dose of medication. Since I'm feeling much less tired on it, I'll try this dose (75) for a bit longer. (and not up the dose again because my sleeping is worse)
Also, my FSH and LH were tested. She said I was clearly menopausal.

Yesterday at work I felt a little something. wet. Told myself to practice more kegels and ignore it. When I went to the loo I saw I shouldn't have ignored it. Of course I was wearing light blue summer pants! Had to go home and change. Made me feel stupid. So even though the doctor thinks the numbers mean I should not bleed any more, my body disagrees. I shall call back and ask for the numbers.
Or, my doctor is right and something else is wrong and makes me bleed. Neither option is very attractive.

mhm, coming back to update and say I'm still forgetful. Because I forgot. Duh.

Wiki says

Psychological

• Depression and/or anxiety
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Memory loss, and problems with concentration
• Mood disturbance
• Sleep disturbances, poor or light sleep, insomnia, and daytime sleepiness

Someone tried to write about menopause (Hi Mali!) but felt she had to be vague because her blog isn't completely anonymous. She hinted menopause is a bit of a taboo. I hadn't even realised.
I can't get myself to google for menopause, for health risks, for warning signs. Finally took a first step and looked it up on Wiki. From the above list of psychological symptoms I'm only not experiencing anxiety. Not so sure about irritability. (cause surely other people are irritating, it is  not just me, right?)

I'm telling myself there are probably many more reasons to explain the above. I got another blood test with very many boxes ticked on the form. Will discuss with my GP in two days.
Dentist tomorrow.

Will keep you posted.

An Elephant In The Room

There is. An Elephant In The Room. really. ok, just a small one.
see?

And I love the silly thing.

Did I manage to tell you we finally have the last permit? In one month time we will finally officially buy our house. Hooray.
As you can imagine there are some money matters that need arranging. And paperwork things.

• Testaments for DP & me
• living-together-contract
• while we're at it: parental rights for DP for which we need a
• new birth certificate for Suzy. apparently they are only valid for three months. huh?
• maybe we should get her a passport 
• for which we need a passport photo. 

I'm trying very hard to not let it scare me, but parts of it I find it hard to talk with DP about. or here for that matter. Also I'm a squirrel: I have savings accounts with different banks, and mostly forgetting what is where, or how to log on or scrape it all together.
Also, there is a temporary tax rule to help the housing market and the economy, that allows people to donate  a specified amount of money to someone who buys a house, tax free.
My father offered not only my brother and me, but also DP. Which is all sorts of nice and maybe a little awkward. (My brother is buying a condo in the Alps somewhere, even though he has contract work in that other Alp country. They will move this summer. I do not always understand, but he sounds happy)

 Health: DP is fit and fabulous. I went to see my GP to complain about fatigue, loss of concentration and forgetfulness. My father was so kind to accompany me and look after Suzy, because he could see same GP after me to check for pneumonia. Suzy has chickenpox and is getting another molar. My mother came back from a holiday and instead of being cured from the Cold that was Taking Too Long she could hardly move, her joints are swollen and painful on top of severe anaemia. I had to help her put socks on (while Suzy was trying to smear banana in my hair) so she could go to the hospital.
In the mean time my GP called and told me to up my dose of thyroid stuff. YAY what a world of difference! I'll make a different post on that.
Argh that nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something! Can't shake it... but will post anyway.
-yes, I'm taking Vitamins and Calcium now, thanks Fran
-comparing notes with HB's mother's vascular dementia and FIL's arteriosclerosis in the brain...outlook Not Good. MIL told me that they practise at breakfast, and FIL asks her every day what the name is of his granddaughter. So sad he can't remember, so happy he cares so much he tries to anyway.

First steps

Today DP had his weekly 'papa dag', the day he takes care of Suzy.
It was one of the record early summer´s days and they went to a park to have a play in the sandpit (sandbox for American English readers)

When I got home DP waited till I was quite close, and then encouraged Suzy to 'do her new trick'. And indeed she took two unassisted steps from his knees to mine.
With how small her steps are it was over in a flash.  I could hardly believe my eyes. Is weird, we could see this moment coming for months. And for the past weeks we suspected she could, but just wasn't willing to let go of whatever she was holding onto.

With standing unassisted it is a bit different. how long do you need to stand to prove you can do it? Even if it was 10 seconds before falling on her bum again it still felt like it was happening more or less by accident.

I had prepared myself for the possibility she would be taking her first steps at daycare, mimicking other children. I had thought of other scenarios, say, steps away from me.
I'm a tiny bit sad I wasn't there in the park, but loved she would take "my" first steps to be with me.
And I hope DP feels extra happy he has his papa day

So Tired

Suzy is sleeping better and better at night, and we are almost done with the night feeds.
But even when we are not woken up by little hungry cries DP or I still wake up somewhere between 4 and 6 am. And sometimes I have trouble going back to sleep.

And then, someone commented on Bionicmamas dot com's blog there is such a thing as the fog of middle childhood. O dear, I don't feel like I can do this even just one more year. Let alone 7.

DP's birthday today. It was a beautiful day, summer weather all of a sudden. Apart from the many cakes we bought there was very little preparation. His parents made the 3h trip to here and enjoyed seeing Suzy and the boys together. We took a little walk (to begijnhof, see begijnhofamsterdam.nl) and on the way back his father was getting so fatigued we were afraid he would fall. DP parked his parents on a public bench on the corner of our canal and ran home to grab a bottle of wine, some glasses and a box of salty peanuts. Of course everyone was sitting outside and they were blending in with the locals just fine. It's just so shocking to see that walking 500 meters was fine, but 500 meters back was simply too much for FIL.
Lasagna (home made from scratch the day before) for dinner was great for the whole family.
Quarter to baby bed time they were getting ready to leave, and I realised that Suzy had not been on FIL's lap yet, so I thought I'd rectify that. He looked so happy and expectant, she grabbed his glasses, (I got them) but as soon as they sat down Suzy started screaming like a banshee. Poor FIL. I hope he enjoyed today despite it. DP is bringing them all home, Suzy went to sleep as soon as she saw her bed and so will I.

Happy Birthday DP. I love you. I never tell you that, but I do. I'm thankful we made it another year. A tough year, a beautiful year. May all your dreams come true (or stay true)
xxx

1 year

Today.
One year old.
A real take home baby.
And it seems to finally have sunk in that she is here to stay. To stay with us that is, not to stay a baby.
I pulled out the baby book with pictures from around her birth, such a different world! You can wrap a newborn in a blanket, and she will fall asleep on your lap. A one year old, you can run after her while she is pushing her newly gotten wooden baby trolley into the corner where the guitar stands.
DP's oldest (14) even bought her a present all by himself. Which made my and DP's heart swell a little.
We ordered in sushi and she liked the gyoza best. (the many grains of rice seemed to confuse her)
HB had the honour of feeding her dessert, and got her full attention plus some encouragement to hurry up a bit.

I read Mel's post about Norse Ragnarok, which mythology has today as the end of the world (or just of humankind) and one of the names in the story is Loki. Sometimes female, mostly male. For the blog I think I might take that as a name for Suzy's vanished twin. Suzy & Loki, it has a certain ring to it don't you think?

's weird. For years I felt like a mother. Now that finally people see me as one, it is me who has trouble understanding the realness of it. Maybe because so much of the time it feels too good to be true ;-)

CD 630

My TSH is back down to 3.8 so that is good I think. T4 is 11 or 13 or something, I think the doctor's assistant said that was ok.
I do not really know how people count 'cycles' anymore after a cycle that worked. I took some bcp's in May 2012, stopped taking them and had some kind of  CD1 followed by the DE-IVF that worked.
 a little spotting , but then many months without any loss of blood.
I had been in denial about the 6 weeks aftermath of living without a placenta again. If I'm not counting that, and not counting the spotting I had in January I was on CD 630, and fully expecting to keep on counting for a very long time.
Didn't various doctors tell me I had no more eggs? shouldn't that imply my ovaries cannot produce oestrogen anymore, and no more cycles for me? Menopause, to use that word?
Suzy's first birthday is around the corner, just a fortnight away. She is hardly a baby anymore. And my body thinks this is the right time to... what?... show me... I can still have a period?

(yes yes, I admit I am still breastfeeding. Partly to have that as prevalent reason not to have a period. Partly health reasons. Partly because this is the only chance I get. Partly because I love it. Mostly because Suzy loves it. Especially that late night feed when we all fall asleep afterwards in the big warm bed, even DP loves that one)

I realise many people have periods knowing they are just for show and nothing fertile. I think there are 10 years between end of fertility and last period (why does the last period not have a greek name? It should, shouldn't it?) It was just nice to not have to deal with useless blood shedding, no reminder of not being able to make babies naturally while it lasted. Who knows, I might be grateful for these later if I'll have to deal with real hormonal withdrawal symptoms then. Now I'm just grateful I hadn't thrown out every last tampon when we moved.

TSH and tears

Just before xmas my doctor wanted to test my TSH again, the thyroid stimulating hormone. When I first called for the results the doctor's assistant didn't want to give me the numbers, because the 'doctor hadn't seen them yet'. The next day the doctor called me herself, first apologising for the assistant, then explaining my TSH was too high, 12, rather than between 1 and 4. So I'm slowly starting on thyroid medication again, even though small amount may filter into the milk. We are reasoning that Suzy is eating solids as well, not a newborn depending on milk exclusively any more so she should be OK with small amounts.
I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.

More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.

I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?

ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.

Time for chocolate biscuits and tea