An Elephant In The Room

There is. An Elephant In The Room. really. ok, just a small one.
see?

And I love the silly thing.

Did I manage to tell you we finally have the last permit? In one month time we will finally officially buy our house. Hooray.
As you can imagine there are some money matters that need arranging. And paperwork things.

• Testaments for DP & me
• living-together-contract
• while we're at it: parental rights for DP for which we need a
• new birth certificate for Suzy. apparently they are only valid for three months. huh?
• maybe we should get her a passport 
• for which we need a passport photo. 

I'm trying very hard to not let it scare me, but parts of it I find it hard to talk with DP about. or here for that matter. Also I'm a squirrel: I have savings accounts with different banks, and mostly forgetting what is where, or how to log on or scrape it all together.
Also, there is a temporary tax rule to help the housing market and the economy, that allows people to donate  a specified amount of money to someone who buys a house, tax free.
My father offered not only my brother and me, but also DP. Which is all sorts of nice and maybe a little awkward. (My brother is buying a condo in the Alps somewhere, even though he has contract work in that other Alp country. They will move this summer. I do not always understand, but he sounds happy)

 Health: DP is fit and fabulous. I went to see my GP to complain about fatigue, loss of concentration and forgetfulness. My father was so kind to accompany me and look after Suzy, because he could see same GP after me to check for pneumonia. Suzy has chickenpox and is getting another molar. My mother came back from a holiday and instead of being cured from the Cold that was Taking Too Long she could hardly move, her joints are swollen and painful on top of severe anaemia. I had to help her put socks on (while Suzy was trying to smear banana in my hair) so she could go to the hospital.
In the mean time my GP called and told me to up my dose of thyroid stuff. YAY what a world of difference! I'll make a different post on that.
Argh that nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something! Can't shake it... but will post anyway.
-yes, I'm taking Vitamins and Calcium now, thanks Fran
-comparing notes with HB's mother's vascular dementia and FIL's arteriosclerosis in the brain...outlook Not Good. MIL told me that they practise at breakfast, and FIL asks her every day what the name is of his granddaughter. So sad he can't remember, so happy he cares so much he tries to anyway.

First steps

Today DP had his weekly 'papa dag', the day he takes care of Suzy.
It was one of the record early summer´s days and they went to a park to have a play in the sandpit (sandbox for American English readers)

When I got home DP waited till I was quite close, and then encouraged Suzy to 'do her new trick'. And indeed she took two unassisted steps from his knees to mine.
With how small her steps are it was over in a flash.  I could hardly believe my eyes. Is weird, we could see this moment coming for months. And for the past weeks we suspected she could, but just wasn't willing to let go of whatever she was holding onto.

With standing unassisted it is a bit different. how long do you need to stand to prove you can do it? Even if it was 10 seconds before falling on her bum again it still felt like it was happening more or less by accident.

I had prepared myself for the possibility she would be taking her first steps at daycare, mimicking other children. I had thought of other scenarios, say, steps away from me.
I'm a tiny bit sad I wasn't there in the park, but loved she would take "my" first steps to be with me.
And I hope DP feels extra happy he has his papa day

So Tired

Suzy is sleeping better and better at night, and we are almost done with the night feeds.
But even when we are not woken up by little hungry cries DP or I still wake up somewhere between 4 and 6 am. And sometimes I have trouble going back to sleep.

And then, someone commented on Bionicmamas dot com's blog there is such a thing as the fog of middle childhood. O dear, I don't feel like I can do this even just one more year. Let alone 7.

DP's birthday today. It was a beautiful day, summer weather all of a sudden. Apart from the many cakes we bought there was very little preparation. His parents made the 3h trip to here and enjoyed seeing Suzy and the boys together. We took a little walk (to begijnhof, see begijnhofamsterdam.nl) and on the way back his father was getting so fatigued we were afraid he would fall. DP parked his parents on a public bench on the corner of our canal and ran home to grab a bottle of wine, some glasses and a box of salty peanuts. Of course everyone was sitting outside and they were blending in with the locals just fine. It's just so shocking to see that walking 500 meters was fine, but 500 meters back was simply too much for FIL.
Lasagna (home made from scratch the day before) for dinner was great for the whole family.
Quarter to baby bed time they were getting ready to leave, and I realised that Suzy had not been on FIL's lap yet, so I thought I'd rectify that. He looked so happy and expectant, she grabbed his glasses, (I got them) but as soon as they sat down Suzy started screaming like a banshee. Poor FIL. I hope he enjoyed today despite it. DP is bringing them all home, Suzy went to sleep as soon as she saw her bed and so will I.

Happy Birthday DP. I love you. I never tell you that, but I do. I'm thankful we made it another year. A tough year, a beautiful year. May all your dreams come true (or stay true)
xxx

1 year

Today.
One year old.
A real take home baby.
And it seems to finally have sunk in that she is here to stay. To stay with us that is, not to stay a baby.
I pulled out the baby book with pictures from around her birth, such a different world! You can wrap a newborn in a blanket, and she will fall asleep on your lap. A one year old, you can run after her while she is pushing her newly gotten wooden baby trolley into the corner where the guitar stands.
DP's oldest (14) even bought her a present all by himself. Which made my and DP's heart swell a little.
We ordered in sushi and she liked the gyoza best. (the many grains of rice seemed to confuse her)
HB had the honour of feeding her dessert, and got her full attention plus some encouragement to hurry up a bit.

I read Mel's post about Norse Ragnarok, which mythology has today as the end of the world (or just of humankind) and one of the names in the story is Loki. Sometimes female, mostly male. For the blog I think I might take that as a name for Suzy's vanished twin. Suzy & Loki, it has a certain ring to it don't you think?

's weird. For years I felt like a mother. Now that finally people see me as one, it is me who has trouble understanding the realness of it. Maybe because so much of the time it feels too good to be true ;-)

CD 630

My TSH is back down to 3.8 so that is good I think. T4 is 11 or 13 or something, I think the doctor's assistant said that was ok.
I do not really know how people count 'cycles' anymore after a cycle that worked. I took some bcp's in May 2012, stopped taking them and had some kind of  CD1 followed by the DE-IVF that worked.
 a little spotting , but then many months without any loss of blood.
I had been in denial about the 6 weeks aftermath of living without a placenta again. If I'm not counting that, and not counting the spotting I had in January I was on CD 630, and fully expecting to keep on counting for a very long time.
Didn't various doctors tell me I had no more eggs? shouldn't that imply my ovaries cannot produce oestrogen anymore, and no more cycles for me? Menopause, to use that word?
Suzy's first birthday is around the corner, just a fortnight away. She is hardly a baby anymore. And my body thinks this is the right time to... what?... show me... I can still have a period?

(yes yes, I admit I am still breastfeeding. Partly to have that as prevalent reason not to have a period. Partly health reasons. Partly because this is the only chance I get. Partly because I love it. Mostly because Suzy loves it. Especially that late night feed when we all fall asleep afterwards in the big warm bed, even DP loves that one)

I realise many people have periods knowing they are just for show and nothing fertile. I think there are 10 years between end of fertility and last period (why does the last period not have a greek name? It should, shouldn't it?) It was just nice to not have to deal with useless blood shedding, no reminder of not being able to make babies naturally while it lasted. Who knows, I might be grateful for these later if I'll have to deal with real hormonal withdrawal symptoms then. Now I'm just grateful I hadn't thrown out every last tampon when we moved.

TSH and tears

Just before xmas my doctor wanted to test my TSH again, the thyroid stimulating hormone. When I first called for the results the doctor's assistant didn't want to give me the numbers, because the 'doctor hadn't seen them yet'. The next day the doctor called me herself, first apologising for the assistant, then explaining my TSH was too high, 12, rather than between 1 and 4. So I'm slowly starting on thyroid medication again, even though small amount may filter into the milk. We are reasoning that Suzy is eating solids as well, not a newborn depending on milk exclusively any more so she should be OK with small amounts.
I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.

More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.

I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?

ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.

Time for chocolate biscuits and tea

Tree

At work we got a voucher for a tree. One area of the parking lot was filled with trees and people giving out hot chocolate milk. All trees were in a net, a green sausage if you will.
Because the new house is so large and the living room plenty high enough I said to DP "let's take the biggest tree they have"
HB was kind enough to let us fill his car with the tree and suffer the needles after he dropped it of with us. We fed him dinner for it ;-)
It took a while before we got around to unpacking the tree, and DP decided it should be in a corner. First after taking the netting off, nothing much happened. The branches are ever so slow coming down. Now it is standing quietly and dark and very wide. It is a beautiful tree. No one seems in a hurry to decorate it and that is fine by me. It wouldn't make the tree any more beautiful to me.
Somehow it makes me feel like we have a giant teddybear in the corner of the room, keeping watch.

Sending you hugs for this time of year.
VV

Talking too much

I talk a lot.
My mother talks more. (and starts to repeat her stories too)
My mother is almost 73. She has a busy schedule, most of it involving activities with other ladies, no matter if it is volunteer work, charity, tennis lessons, choir, museum visits or lace making.
At lunch she told me that one woman said to the group of talking women they were with that she has no husband or children and found it painful to have to listen to the rest of them constantly chattering about their husbands, children or grandchildren.
I'm not sure what kind of reaction my mother wanted from me (yes, she did want me to say something). I'm hoping she didn't want an explanation, so I just said I was aware of this possibility while we were still considering treatment. I think even BambiEyes did point this out to me, that after other people getting pregnant comes the next generation of other people becoming grandparents, that I would have to deal with that later on.
I took that as encouragement. Now or Never. and while 'Now' seemed to slip away, the Never seemed to grow ever longer.
Maybe that is what my mother wanted to share, the future pain that I will miss. (I hope so)
But I'm a bit afraid my mother thought it was strange or not polite from this woman to say this out loud.

Also.
I have a new temp boss at work. He wanted an introduction get-to-know-each-other conversation. In which he not only asked if I met DP at work but also if he was already separated or not when we met. It's been a couple of weeks now, and it still bugs me.
The other gem was him first suggesting his own first child came 9 months after a party, and when I said it is not that easy for everyone he said he had 2 couples of friends that are in the process of adopting or doing DE. I did say politely it was amazing he still had friends.

777

When I got back from my trip I was overwhelmed by how big our new house is. When we first moved here it was after months and months of being involved in many details of the renovation, so it was more of a project. I was feeling proud of what was achieved, of the realisation what we had set out to do.
Then one month trying to get settled wasn't really enough.

On the trip I had very little time or space to myself, and just enough energy for scuba diving and keeping my milk production going.

Getting back was a bit of a shock in more ways than one.
Halfway through the flight home (in the middle of the night) there was a call for medical assistance. The doctor from our scuba group and 2 other people got up to offer help.
I checked the inflight map system and saw we were above the big nowhere between Ulaanbaatar and Novosibirsk and did a silent prayer for the person in need. I tried to doze of and later saw we were heading for Moscow instead of Amsterdam.
We did a quick stop to get the poor passenger to a hospital, and arrived home with just 2 hours delay. we met up with the doctor who told us the passenger in need was a woman who was only 24 weeks pregnant. They found out there were contraction inhibitors on board they could administer, and with help from 'ground control' Moscow was picked as best option. I'm trying not to think about what it must be like getting stuck in a Russian hospital with contractions at 24 weeks.
It was ever so reassuring that DP came to the airport swinging Suzy about to pick me up. So happy to see them, even if unshaven (him) or covered in dried snot (her).
Still hard to adjust from hot to freezing temperature.

And suddenly the house felt so big! It is 'the new house', not yet our new home. When I say house keys I mean the keys of the old house, I say keys of the door in the ally when I mean the new ones.
This morning I had a new shock: I looked at the gas meter. (Our central heating and hot water system works on gas) 777 m3 in a good two months, roughly 500 euros.
And winter has not even begun.
The doll house had an energy bill of 1000 euros a year......
We've adjusted the thermostat programming as soon as we got home, shaving of degrees and hours of the heating schedule, and we will keep a sharp eye on that meter for the next couple weeks.

(depending on how that goes I might think of curtains. I do enjoy the view so much though)

It was fine

As always with the news, it's different when you are there. It was all fine and nice and paradise.
Maybe 200 km north of us disaster had struck, but the most we noticed was more power outages. But the diving resorts are out in the sticks most of the time, and had their own generators.

Missing DP and Suzy wasn't bad (as I had feared) but the whole 'wow I'm in paradise' wasn't as soothing as other years (as I had hoped). I guess the biggest difference was: this time I didn't want or need to be away from my daily life.
One afternoon, on a rare occasion spending time with HB alone, we listened to the soundtrack of 'Once', a movie we watched together almost 3 years ago. It reconnected to the sadness I felt then. And it made me so sharply aware of the differences between now and then: HB's father died, Suzy came into existence, HB's mother is no longer (she doesn't recognise him anymore, can't even follow simple conversation).
It was good to see HB enjoying paradise.

It is good to be back home.