The day after the night before

Friday, still the 22nd of February.
My parents and HB coincidentally showed up at the same time, so we could more or less formally announce all Suzy's given names: one for my mother, one for DP's mother and one for HB, who was conveniently named after an aunt of his.
The three of them left for work (or playing tennis), the three of us could take a nap: a camping bed was wheeled in for DP and he crashed gratefully.
Two hours later we had to move from delivery to nursery, much more comfy bed for me, no bed for DP.
When I had to shift to the other bed however the nurses warned me: I might not be able to stand up...
Gloops...
Tried very carefully, and was glad to discover I could still manoeuvre myself 20 cm across. But was indeed glad to go back to horizontal!
The sun came out, an aunt came over before lunch.
My mother popped in the bring more biscuits and coloured aniseeds ('beschuit met muisjes')
DP picked up his youngest son from school and his parents so the afternoon was full house. My FIL looked golden to finally have a granddaughter too. It was wonderful to see DP's youngest make the transformation to bigger brother, he was really happy to be there.

When he kept asking for more 'beschuit met muisjes' the traditional Dutch birth treat I send DP and his family out to go get some food. I knew they were allowed to stay with me till 8 PM, but I didn't want to stretch the new big brother love that far. I mean, you can only keep a hungry 9 year old for so long... (and it was only 5 PM)
DP's parents took back their gift to get Suzy's name engraved on the dinner set.

Can't remember much about the breastfeeding (ohw, should have written this earlier!)
just that I was completely amazed about how strong a newborn can be!
And that tiger-crawl-towards-breast-reflex? if it is stimulated it gets stronger!!! So with Suzy on my chest she would kick her legs, push up on her arms, lift her head and let it crash like a little wrecking ball, suckle where she landed and if no milk comes out try again 5 cm further on.
And when she latches, OMG my poor nipple didn't know what was happening to it. I was warned that the first 30 seconds can be quite painful, but when milk starts flowing it should subside. It did, thank goodness. And I knew to take it easy, just a few minutes at the time to get into it without overdoing it. So I stopped when the pain came back.

(ah, an aside on pain: my whole pelvic floor area was blissfully numb for at least a week. Didn't feel a thing)

When everyone finally left I was tired. Made a phone call to HB and talked him through posting the B-day post.
And Suzy was still at my side, in her glass crib on wheels... I could lift her out myself to feed or cuddle her.
Or I could just lay there and look at her.
our DE miracle.
real now.

Birth Night

Very short version:
birth was fine, baby girl doing really well, afterbirth caused too much blood loss to be fun.
Next day I was fine too (but very weak).

Short-ish version:
at midnight we arrived with a taxi at the hospital. DP had 2 backpacks on his back, an empty maxicosi swinging from his one arm and a moaning me on his other.
We called my photographer friend J.
Within the hour a doctor said I was 5 cm dilated. Another hour 7-8. Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a slight urge to push was mingling in the waves, someone said only the slightest rim was left and I was allowed to start pushing gently. Found it difficult to change tack (which way is down anyway when you're on a bed?)
Another hour later the tiniest head of hair peaked into this world, but a shoulder wasn't turning. Capable hands showed the way, and minutes later she was there, our little baby girl.
Warm on my belly, wriggling her knees like she had so many months.
Unbelievable.
I knew her, she was mine, now ours.
Suzy.

A couple of minutes of peace.
(This was the easy bit)

Afterbirth was high velocity drama, loosing blood, ever more blood.
IV, another IV, oxygen, alarms beeping, more machines and tubes and measurement, more doctors.
I asked DP to hold our daughter as there was too much going on with my body.
I had felt some euphoria, but it drained with the blood. I knew I was in the best hands I could be, they would surely save me if possible. If only they would let me sleep and stop hurting me....

Suddenly Suzy was back with me, latched onto my breast, the strangest sensation as it caused yet another contraction and sent both the placenta (and the emergency OR team) on its way.
Alas, still bleeding.
J was done long done taking pictures and was holding my hands instead.
My pain tolerance had vanished completely, every question reduced me to tears and I could only think of crying for my mommy, of wanting to go home. But I needed stitches, they took enormous care with every layer (if only the bleeding would stop).
They triple checked everything there is to check (blood clotting OK, Hb down to 4.2) but couldn't find a(nother) cause. And eventually the bleeding tapered of. I had bled through the entire stack of  'mats' of that delivery room, which were collected on the same scale as they had used the weigh little Suzy. She was 3930 grams, my blood 2570 ml.
J left as quietly as he had come in.
It was then decided I better get some new blood, and would stay the day in hospital.
I called my parents and HB

Last day of pregnancy

will be updated at some stage (at least, that is my plan ;-)

 My cousin came over for the day. From the train station it is only a short ferry ride & walk to the new building of the film museum. A special expo on Oskar Fischinger 1900-1967 .He did animation to classical music before the invention of the computer. Ballet for coloured blocks...
Best bit was sitting in the sun in the cafe

because the whole walking thing was getting a bit tiresome. And my mother had simply forbidden to go on those endless stairs.

On the way home we had to take a break for what I thought were some Braxton Hicks, and sat on a bench in the sun at one of Amsterdam's lovely bridges.
Around 3-ish I was getting a bit uncomfortable and my cousin left so I could take a nap. We were wondering if this was the start of anything, but nothing regular...

I had loaded an app on DP's tablet to time contractions. To ease my mind I started using it around 5 maybe, but realised that with 17 and 44 minutes apart the occasional 5 minutes didn't mean much. I thought we would be in for a night where the books said I might fall asleep because it was only a practice run...
While the really long intervals disappeared my belly still was doing it's irregular thing, and never much longer than 20 seconds or so. Around 10 DP wanted to go to bed, so I tried.
Belly started to get a bit painful.
But our instructions said not to worry before we had had an hour long of contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 60 seconds.
Between 23 and 23:20 however contractions were suddenly 3 minutes apart (but still not lasting a full minute) and I asked DP to inform the hospital, and ask them what to do.
Their answer was quite simple: come in.
Taxi arrived within 10 minutes.
The books also said that quite often on the road to the hospital the contractions stop, but no such luck. I was wriggling through them on the back seat (and DP had wisely chosen the front seat)
I was still half afraid that we would be sent back, as I still wasn't sure if this was the real thing...
At the hospital reception desk they wanted to send us to ER, figuring we were there with a sick baby in the maxicosi. I admit that my yoga pants weren't exactly flattering, but geez, can't you see I'm as pregnant as I'm ever going to be?

Home

home sweet home
on the day after.
Will write soon.
lots of love.

B-day

On behalf of Valery, I'd like to share the happy news that a little girl (weighing 3930g) has been born 03.47AM today! Due to loss of blood, Valery will spend another night at the hospital but if all goes well, she'll be home tomorrow!

On my own behalf, I'm happy to report having become a godfather today :-)

FoF

For a long time I had wanted to let FoF know how much the whole experience had meant to me, and how important plan D (with her as our donor) was as a stepping stone for plan E (España, unknown donor). To explain that we couldn't have done that without her.
But between email and text messages we just hadn't really gotten around to meet up or talk again.

Today I felt time was sort of virtual, like extra time that shouldn't have existed or wasn't predicted somehow. And finally plucked up the courage to hop on my bike, cycle over and ring her door bell.
And as luck would have it she was home, alone, and had time for a cup of tea.
She was happy to see me, and when I told her I wanted to show her a big surprise and opened my jacket her face lit up even more, she was so happy to see my belly.

She told me she has been struggling with depression the entire time in between (I think it started Oct 2011, quite shortly after plan D fell through) medication has been problematic. She looked very skinny, but her smile was a hundred shining suns.
We both had been thinking about each other, we both had felt guilty and sad and neither had had the energy to arrange a meeting. Till now.

The time was right and we had a good time. 

D - day (but nothing happened....)

but nothing happened....
rationally I know only 5% of babies chooses their due date to actually be born, but emotionally I don't understand why nothing happened today. I mean, it's D Day ! The day I didn't dare to believe would ever come, and now that it is here it just passes by.

The good news is we had a check up today. 40wk 0 d. We took J along, both as a practice run and for this relatively special occasion, introduced him as the photographer and he promptly melted into the background. Trainee midwife going solo, taking all the time in the world for us.
Blood pressure back to normal: 120/70.
Belly check: all OK, Grasshopper's head engaged (=deep down low, ready for exit) She estimated the weight of the Grasshopper just from her hands on my belly, around 3200 gram, perfectly average.
When we said that DP's boys were a good 4000 she promised to eat her shoe if the Grasshopper would be as heavy ;-)
I said that compared to two weeks ago we feel less 'life'. Rationally we know there is just less room for the Grasshopper, so not only hopping is impossible but also kicks have changed into wriggles. Still going strong, but no more morning or afternoon playtime. She asked if we were worried, and I said I try not to. She asked if we wanted to do a CTG? Yes! The midwife in charge approved of it immediately, so I was hooked up to a belly band + monitor, and were left to listen to the sound of the heartbeat for half hour! (C for cardio)
T for toco, uterine contractions. Except we had no clue what the numbers meant.
And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I settled back in the cushions, legs up on the bed, DP fetching some tea, Grasshopper decided it was showtime.

Top blue line is the grasshopper heartbeat, and every big increase was accompanied by big belly movement. Near the end, the last 5 minutes you can see the rhythm returning to 120, start of the next nap time...
Afterwards they asked if I could feel the contractions? Um, no. If I press my hands on my belly then yes.
Looking at the bottom line you can see some fairly big increases, they must be Braxton Hicks contractions, but as long as I'm relaxed they are not painful at all. (For now!)
Glad we were offered the CTG, and not only reassured but very happy to see and feel the Grasshopper so alive.

While DP was getting us some tea J came up to me with the camera, showing me the 'picture of the day'. Big belly with doppler, my smiling face and DP with a shiny grin on his face.
Even DP agreed that J had a remarkable talent for being in the room without us realising it, so we could be relaxed and ourselves with our emotions.
And relive some of that with those pictures later....

Puku Nui

There are a couple of blog posts swerving through my head that can't seem to make it into separate ones, so I'll simply list them here.

My brother popped over for a visit on Feb 4. It was lovely and so very normal to have him in the house we bought for him and me 12 years ago. He was excited to see my belly instead of just listening to me over the phone. He did bring a minor truckload of baby things with him: more toys, another play mat, baby carrier, bottles, clothes from his two boys. There was also a mobile that we can hang IQ training pics from. Starting with basic shapes in black and white, than moving on to stage 2 plus 3 and lastly faces showing different emotions. (Oh my dear, I didn't even know there was such a thing as baby IQ training. Not sure I wanted to know)
Lunch on a canal.
Showed him our future canal house and he was as enthusiastic as I am.
Meeting up with our parents for tea and cake was weird. They were nervous around him, trying to make holiday plans in order to spend time with his boys. I was tired and a coward and withdrew....

An uncle of mine turned 65 the Saturday after, and had a big do in a museum and restaurant. Everyone thought it was so really special I was there. I had put some effort in dressing up, and at the last minute I asked my mom to fetch her festive Chinese jacket that is both shiny and really wide. I knew she had been wearing that sleeveless jacket when she was pregnant with me, and my uncle recognised it immediately. I'm so grateful I get to repeat some nice parts of history.

My mom had her 72nd birthday in January, and I hadn't really done anything in the way of a gift. So last week I dragged her along to my favourite bicycle shop and made her try this electric bike. While she loved to ride the bike,
she is adamant she doesn't want it. She doesn't want a new bike as it has a high risk of getting stolen. And she thinks she is 'too young' for an electric one, as an 80 year old friend of hers said she regretted not getting an electric bike 5 years earlier. Even though my mom admitted that longer distances are now tiring for her (her volunteer work is 7 kilometers from her home) and Amsterdam bridges seem to be getting higher...
I tried to change tack, saying that her grandchild will grow heavier faster than she will grow older, but she wasn't having any of it.
Then I said I would just order it now, ride it for her for three years so she can have it when she turns 75....
(I guess this means we are equally stubborn and a bit crazy? and not wanting to give in?)

My childhood friend J arrived on Valentine's day. He couldn't bear to stay in France anymore. He's installed as anti-squatter in the canal house now. Loving to be back in Amsterdam. And fully taking care of himself, despite the lack of kitchen and a shower with only cold water.

On Friday Lily came over and we prepared some sewing project for baby bed linen.

Saturday DP and I ventured out to a kitchen showroom that was recommended by our architect. They have everything we could possibly want. And more. Much more. More than I dare to imagine:
(Well, you know. If you ever wanted to dream of an outer space stove landing near you.We'll stick to something with a bit more 17th century feel.)

Can't believe tomorrow is D-Day.

bed linen

I was cleaning out the entire trunk that holds our linens. And at the very bottom found this pillow case, a leaving gift from my previous neighbour 10 years ago. It is a poem and I will not do it the injustice of a bad translation, but it is about sleeping & dreaming, and the second line says something like "I want to dream of a baby in the crib"
Had to snuggle up to DP on the sofa and cry a little on his shoulder before I could put it on a pillow. On our bed. Next to that empty crib. The crib that might....

36 & 38

The 36 week check was a weird one. 5 minutes of a midwife quickly feeling my belly: head down low, big baby, good match for DP and me, no don't worry, not too big. Blood pressure 110/65, very comparable to my usual 120/60.
Then there was the 'common part' : 8 couples were hoarded into a meeting room, so we could learn from each others questions and birth plans and the like. I think most people felt uncomfortable with the setting. DP and I were mostly annoyed that it took forever. And it yielded no relevant information that wasn't in the brochure already.....

This morning the 38 week check. Blood pressure down to 100/60. Probably because I have more blood, which also explains why I'm not cold these days. Grasshopper almost too big to see much on the scan. Head down very low, so that's good. Saw some ribs, vertebrae, beating heart. What do you call a male midwife? (should've watched more Private Practice) I had asked if he could maybe check for a last minute boy/girl surprise. But placenta was firmly covering the baby bum!
No measurements, just the reassurance that baby is good size (and is very unlikely to have outgrown the tiny clothes I have been washing
I did mention I can't sleep through the night anymore, his guess was that I normally sleep on my belly (that's right) and therefore wake up when I try but can't.
After that I didn't want to mention I was afraid it was an indication of higher chance of post post-partum depression. (as the not sleeping through the night used to be a symptom of my normal/IF depression)

When we were done DP left for work, and I decided to scout for the part of the hospital where the delivery rooms are. Complete opposite side, had to cross the entire ground floor. Then to the second floor, a winding way back through renovations, and suddenly I happened upon a nice reception desk and someone to allow me a sneak preview of one of the rooms. There is not much room at all at the head side of the bed, so I think I agree with DP that before birth we don't want visitors, if anyone really wants to wait there is a waiting room. The (m) midwife did explain that only on my OK visitors will be allowed in, DP doesn't have a say in that.(well, from their point of view)

Then tram to home, because an uncle wanted to come visit. Then walk on to the new house. Then my mom called she had found a shop with strollers on sale, 50% off, so I trundled off through a light snow storm, met up with her, cycled to shop and agreed it was a good deal. Then HB called if I was still on for dinner. Metro. Car. Supermarket. Then I decided it was time for me to crash on his couch and let him do the cooking. DP had shuffled some kids/parents/dinner in the mean time and came to pick me up. Home now, completely knackered. Time for bed!