no tiny step

All happy with my form and an appointment with my GP, all wheels in motion to get my pap smear.... and of course I started to bleed on CD18. No pap smear then. Sigh.
Such a small step and still I manage to stumble.
New appointment next week.

Boss pops up, saying that at that exact day I should go to a workshop in Luxembourg! 5 hour one way trip. He makes it look like it is an opportunity for me to learn, while it is just boring.
When he hired me he made promises about career opportunities, but in the mean time he hired two other people for the one position he had in mind for me. Somehow that makes me less inclined to believe in his 'opportunities'
Main reason now to have this job is so I can have lunch with DP and HB.
Today I forgot my work phone at home so when they called me for lunch I missed it. I was 1 minute late at our usual meeting spot and they had left without me.
On the way home DP managed the same trick again. Call-no answer-leave without me.

Sometimes I want to scream!!!

(and I haven't even started taking hormones yet. OK, yes, the pill. So maybe that is a micro step on the way to get this show on the road before my 40 birthday. 6 weeks to go.....)

tiny step

Amazed.

I called the national women's health screening organisation to ask if I could please have my pap smear now rather than having to wait for my birthday.

Maiden name - date of birth - zipcode, 30 seconds later my form was in the mail.
Have a nice day.

No being transferred, no waiting with horrible music, no not possibles, no nothings.

It's a feeling like when you think a door is heavy, you take a deep breath, bend your knees and put your shoulder against the door to push and then it swings open at the gentlest touch. Stumbling through.
Another small step.

More on clinics first appointments

What I forgot to write before.

First clinic is the Instituto Marques (IM).

I need to send the results of my thyroid tests. Both clinics asked about my last pap smear, anytime from the last three years, but I have no idea.

Doctor at the IVI did catheter test and ultrasound as well. Both doctors insisted I had recently ovulated, because they saw a collapsing follicle on the left. It was CD8 when they saw it and they estimated ovulation would have been around CD6. I reckon that would be a pretty useless day for an egg to go on tour. Even with my endometrium at 8 mm.

IVI doctor searched and found 1 antral follicle. My dr Google degree may have expired, but anthral follicle AFTER ovulation? Oh well, if ovulation is on its own schedule, why not the AFC as well. IVI doctor also worried he saw a small polyp, then filled me up with serum and decided it was mucus after all.

What I hadn't realised is that what goes up must come down, so back at the hotel I found out my jeans had a wet area that wouldn't dry. Thanks to the weather forecast of rain DP had made me bring a change of pants as well. (Generally we travel super light, small hand luggage only)

Treatment plan very simple: Start the pill on CD1 and stay on it.

IM will tell donor and me to stop at the same time.

I will start oestrogen patches on my following CD1, and have 1 scan around CD 5-7 to check lining.

Donor gets stimulated, retrieval day happens. I'll start progesterone supplements and fly to Spain. Transfer 3-5 dpo.

I can fly home the day after.

14 dpo POAS. If it is negative ask for blood test to confirm, keep taking supplements just in case things are slow.

If positive were to happen keep taking supplements for 70 days.

Jump

April 21st

We signed.

We have X/Y gametes frozen.
DP was all merry and gay about it. Twinkly eyes, squeezey hugs, smiles... I guess that was the big difference between the first day with appointments, that was a big part about my body and the next day it was about his contribution. I was just glad that our decision was made, paperwork done, bill paid. Maybe a bit tired of the tension and organisation that got into all of it to be excited now.
I'm happy with our decision, happy with the clinic, feel good about it, don't get me wrong, just not excited. Maybe I'm afraid to get my hopes up (and crushed again...)

Want to say some more about clinics, but will keep that for the next post.
xx

Skip

That was a full day, and a good day.

We started the day of with breakfast in a little café. I'd forgotten how Fresh and Crispy little baguettes can be. Yum.

Sunny day and plenty of time to walk.
Slightly nervous I'd taken what turned out to be the office address instead of the clinic proper. But one of the secretaries was so friendly she walked us around the block to a very nice classic building.
There we were received by our personal contact Julia who was lovely. All our paperwork was spot on, she had already copied the details in the forms, we just needed to check and sign. Waiting room was top class, refreshment and little sweet bites.
At some stage something came on on the tv and suddenly staff popped up from everywhere to listen attentively.
Shame my Spanish is so so poor, no idea what it was all about. Plus I was busy reading consent forms.
Then we were introduced to our (Italian) doctor, a lovely lady who had previously worked in Brussels and was well informed.
She had on file my spontaneous miscarriage, IVF turned IUI, everything.
Her english was very easy to understand and she talked us through everything. She completely understood we wanted some time to take it all in, visit the other clinic and sleep on it.
(standard procedure for foreigners seems to be to leave a sperm sample first thing. Before you even met anyone.)
She arranged with the lab so we can leave DP's contribution tomorrow.
Then the donor matching process. They took our picture then and there, and she wrote down our characteristics herself. She made note of our priorities and said that not minding about the blood type was a great help.
blaaahhh, loads of numbers about pregnancy rates, numbers of eggs collected, frozen, you name it. They tend to transfer two embryos, and generally have a back up donor.
Then ultrasound and catheter test. All looking good.
More conversation, can't remember now...

Lunch. Why is Spanish ham so much nicer? And the orange juice!

Clinic two, the IVI.
reception was a downer. We were just a number in line. Had to fill out forms ourselves with no place to sit.
Second waiting room was a bit nicer. Full though.
The doctor was a nice man, very enthusiastic. Drawing graphs all over the place, explaining why donor eggs were such a good idea. Lessons in (in)fertility basically, and I think it made things more clear for DP. The doctor had done his homework almost as good the first, picked up on my miscarriage but had missed DP's boys. More forms, more numbers. Very similar numbers as the first clinic.
Then he left us with our personal contact to go through the characteristics. She insisted we needed to know DP's blood type.
For the treatment they wanted me to have 3 ultrasounds and one blood test to check my preparation is on track.
Poor girl had no idea we don't have private healthcare at home, we can't just 'order' tests at random.
She did check with their lab, but they have no time today or this weekend to accept material to be frozen...

When we rolled out of the second clinic we decided to go back to the hotel. Picked up some wine and crisps for DP, biscuits to go with my tea and have a think about it.
Quite quickly we both admitted we preferred the first clinic, impressed with their personal and friendly approach. We felt the lady doctor understood what we were looking for in a donor.
Also logistically this seems to fit better.

If I could write like Womb4Improvement I could say that of course we'll go for the clinic with the free muffins. What's not to like?! :-)

Time for tapas hunting now.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Tab

Wow.

Hotel in Barcelona.

With a tablet. (belated birthday gift to DP)

Tomorrow appointments with two clinics.

Hope I'll manage to get some sleep.

Will keep you posted.

Step

Yesterday DP finally made to call to his new doctor's practice to ask for a blood test form. But the assistant insisted he spoke to a doctor first. O well, at least the doctor understood our story straight away and we could pick up the form this morning. DP wanted to go to the lab straight away, just to have it over and done with so we did that. (DP had asked poor HB to cover for him in a meeting at work)
It was my turn first, but very soon I heard him say 'Thank you' and he popped up, looking like his pink normal self. A quick drink of water and he wanted to get some fresh air. Back at the bike he was pale, but determined to keep going, and going strong.
So so proud of him for not letting his fear stop him!
maybe the tips and tricks from the vaccination guy for our Jordan trip (18m ago) have helped pave the way.

My phlebotomist looked quite concerned at all the boxes ticked and wondered if I had an appointment with my doctor to get the results? Should be ready in a week... I'm not concerned about the outcome, just concerned to get the results on paper rather than over the phone.
Only on the way back to work DP understood we would only get the results just in time for Spain...

Oh, just before we reached work we had a flat tire.
DP said it was very considerate of the tire to get punctured on the day we got punctured too. ;-)

I guess the stress will stay for a while, HB noticed already but said it would probably not show for outsiders. As long as we're taking steps in the right direction we'll deal with it.

Stress steps

I'm nervous. I feel it at work, it's hard to focus even though I have a very easy job at the moment. I feel it in my right arm, even when I'm not behind the computer using a mouse.
I feel it in the shower. Yesterday I slipped and fell in the shower. Mostly on my bum, which is well padded and therefore fine, partly on my left wrist, which is not fine. This morning, in the shower again, I looked at my hands, comparing them to check for swelling. Instead I discovered my left wrist and hand were slightly blue. Blue. And that was a trigger for me to start fainting. What? Why? I'm not a wimp! I don't do that?! But squatting down in the shower wasn't really helping, nor the cold air/warm water contrast, so out I crawled on the floor with my legs up waiting for the swooshing sound in my ears to stop and my vision to return... (The pretty bright blue dots that spiked my greyed out vision almost made it worth it.) Thankfully it only took a minute or two, but I'm still thinking stress.

In the way of paperwork I've obtained a form for my blood test, DP still needs to get his. I've found a lab that is open after office hours on Tue and Wed.
I know DP hates to have a blood test, (thanks universe for the reminder that fainting is rotten) but, sigh, he needs to do it this week. I managed to explain this to him last week, he agreed to call his doctor to request his form, but didn't make the call yet.
He did however send an email to our clinic from last year for our test results there and they did send copies in the mail. Will have fun translating those in English.
Other paperwork: scans of passports, our names and details, referring doctor/website, we should fill those out today. I want to get it over with.
One clinic wants a close up photo of the two of us. I'm happy they want that, but I don't think we even have that many pictures with the two of us? because it's usually DP who makes the pictures... Gah... It seems so important to pick the "right" photo.

Pfff, that was my list of worries for now.

In Easter news: we spent Saturday working in HB's garden. The fence had broken two years before and his father had come over to help him with a temporary fix. It was the last time his father visited his house, the last thing they had done together. His father died last year, a storm destroyed the temp fixing. Now the time seemed right for something new. The weather was helping, the nearby garden center was helping and delivering the same day, the old fence didn't resist too much and was gone in an hour. We needed to get the hang of setting up the new bits and pieces, had a slow start at 4, but soldiered on till 8 and managed to get half the new fence up.
Made salmon-spinach-pasta in the oven and watched a Star Trek movie with the three of us snuggled up on the couch. Finally met beam-me-up-Scotty. Was a good day!

Sunday we visited my parents for an Easter luncheon, and we told them about our eggs-plan in Barcelona and that our secret mission last year had failed. (I figured that Easter would be the time for egg news.) Their first reaction was to talk about Barcelona, yes we will visit the Sagrada Familia, yes we have been there before in 2006.
Then my father started clearing the table and my mother started asking questions about egg donation and if I really didn't have any eggs left myself.
At home DP and I decided it was time for a culinary adventure, something HB had recorded from BBC Saturday Kitchen: Salmon with veggies drowning in cream sauce. With extra asparagus for Easter specialness. Turned out well. I even remembered to light the yellow egg shaped candle on the left.

(and my wrist survived all this typing, yay)

Big steps and more to come

After the holiday I took up HB's offer to help with planning. At first I didn't quite grasp what to point would be of 'planning' my next email. But soon after the first two emails asking two Spanish clinics for information about their DE program, I found myself asking for first appointments available. DP had only 1 Friday available in the whole of April, but instead of allowing me to despair HB made me send emails asking for that date. Both clinics had appointments open for us, and not even at the same time. Also they seem to be walking distance apart. Flights are booked, and the nearby hotel even had special rates for patients of the clinic. Everything confirmed. My boss gave me the day off. DP blocked his calendar, HB will drive us to the airport. Three weeks from now.
I can hardly believe it.
Even if we're only going there to see if we feel we can trust them to pick our donor.

In the mean time we have a small mountain, okay, molehill of paperwork to do. Need to get copies of medical records (I have no idea how to do this, but despair about this is only scheduled for next week ;-) Need to get stupid blood tests done again, not sure if we want to do that here or in Spain.
The clinics offer to freeze sperm on your first visit, but not sure if they're willing to do that if you don't have recent blood tests.
Lots of details to worry about, especially in the middle of the night.
But yes, details.

The big plan is to visit both clinics on Friday, sleep on it, decide on Saturday and then enjoy the rest of our weekend.

I better work on remembering my new motto, something with trust and unknown.
Must try to focus more on the trust part!

swimming through the dark

This is the scariest moment from the whole diving holiday: HB and me swimming through the wreck of a ferry with just a tiny flashlight each.
There I realised I could either spend time and energy on how scared I was, or choose to be in the moment, knowing nothing was going wrong (at that moment) and trusting my buddy. I chose trust, and was able to absorb the strange surroundings (and probably pay attention to safety better as well)
I want to remember this, this trust in the face of the unknown. I need to.