Normally BambiEyes doesn't share anything about herself. It's only when booking in next appointments (or cancelling them) she tells me why she is not available. Like when she got married. I didn't even know she was in a relationship, let alone how she felt about it.
So normally there is nothing for me to worry about. Until this time. She cancelled with under an hour notice, because she suddenly had to go for an extra OB check, but it should be nothing.
I don't know about you, but 'unexpected and urgent' does not equal 'hunky-dory' to me. So instead of my usual outlet and the reassurance I get from her, I felt panicky and jittery. She emailed later to say everything was ok. But suddenly this pregnancy was a lot closer than I thought it would ever get.
Somewhere last week I was having lunch with an aunt of mine, she lives close by. This aunt helped me picking some flowers for our little ritual of saying goodbye to our biological baby in June. She said she had expected that closure would lift my unhappiness by now, that I would move on. She does not know about our DE plans. While I was thinking of a way to explain I had not given up hope entirely and was muttering something about exploring not-biological options she suddenly came out with 'don't do that'.
She said her mother was 40+ when getting children and as a child she hadn't liked that. (My grandma was suffering diabetes and relied on my aunt as her little helper. This may have had something to do with it. Or not. I was too flabbergasted to ask) Also I shouldn't consider foster children, that was too hard for me. (She is right, but geez) I should join this orchestra she found for me, start a day job again, play organised sports, move on with my life and accomplish something again. It 'd make me happy.
Pfew.
HB consoled me that at least she had given me her honest opinion, based on her experience in life. And DP said he didn't want us to be too old either, that we should take extra care of our health so we keep fit.
Just now my brother texted me he had some airline discount vouchers valid till the end of this year, if I was interested. I asked DP, and he said 'Spain'.
Wow.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
BambiEyes pregnant
BambiEyes was dressed all in black, so I worried she had another funeral coming up.
I couldn't have been more wrong (thank goodness)
She told me in the last ten minutes that she is three months pregnant now. She realised it is quite early to tell, but she didn't want the risk of her showing and me not trusting her anymore because she didn't tell me. And it seems she expects I need time to adjust, time to process.
The funny thing is I'm simply happy for her. She got married this summer, she's around 28, she's happy and lucky.
At some point she will work less than now, next time we will talk about when. I might need to go to another city (again). When she said that, I was relieved she wasn't thinking of dropping me as a patient (again). I think that as long as I feel she takes care of me it works for me.
Of course I might feel different by the time she is hugging her skippy ball, but for now, well, I'm just not sad.
I couldn't have been more wrong (thank goodness)
She told me in the last ten minutes that she is three months pregnant now. She realised it is quite early to tell, but she didn't want the risk of her showing and me not trusting her anymore because she didn't tell me. And it seems she expects I need time to adjust, time to process.
The funny thing is I'm simply happy for her. She got married this summer, she's around 28, she's happy and lucky.
At some point she will work less than now, next time we will talk about when. I might need to go to another city (again). When she said that, I was relieved she wasn't thinking of dropping me as a patient (again). I think that as long as I feel she takes care of me it works for me.
Of course I might feel different by the time she is hugging her skippy ball, but for now, well, I'm just not sad.
Friday, November 25, 2011
CD1
I s'pose that is what that thing on my chin was trying to tell me all along, I just didn't get the message.. It's making me feel a bit melancholic, that my body is still trying while there really is no point. Almost like going to the office every day because you don't want to admit you lost your job.
Then again, trying to view this from the positive side: it might just mean my body is still capable of creating a lining. Sending an invite for my de-journey.
Job interview was fine, on to the second round. Other round two is planned for Tuesday.
While shopping for a basic T-shirt to go with the things I bought with my mother the day before I heard two ladies speaking Spanish behind the counter. It was very quiet in the shop. And out of the blue I asked them if they thought I would be able to find someone in Spain/Barcelona who would look like me. They were happy to tell me I looked like I could be Spanish (skin tone, hair) and immediately asked if I spoke any Spanish.
Made me feel happy, to be reassured here and now...
Then again, trying to view this from the positive side: it might just mean my body is still capable of creating a lining. Sending an invite for my de-journey.
Job interview was fine, on to the second round. Other round two is planned for Tuesday.
While shopping for a basic T-shirt to go with the things I bought with my mother the day before I heard two ladies speaking Spanish behind the counter. It was very quiet in the shop. And out of the blue I asked them if they thought I would be able to find someone in Spain/Barcelona who would look like me. They were happy to tell me I looked like I could be Spanish (skin tone, hair) and immediately asked if I spoke any Spanish.
Made me feel happy, to be reassured here and now...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
odd
Was doing my homework for round two.
-interactive tv has many shapes and forms. When tv enters your house through your internet connection, then a settop box and then onto your screen it is possible to mix with internet features. Like a list of programs on your screen. And then you can use your remote to select a program, get more info about it or just watch it. You could press pause, forward, backward or record.
Combines nicely with internet 'missed program' options and renting a movie. According to Wiki in the US this is like Hulu and Hulu+
Future options could be that you can buy something when it is advertised.
Hot topic apparently, as a weekly magazine just ran an article about it.
- contacted a former colleague who worked for the company I'm talking with. He came over for dinner, told us he now has the job of our former boss and offered me a job in his team, quite different from the work I did before in that team.
I think this is called networking? I find it confusing. (Although I'm happy with the tips he gave to improve our tiramisu, like 'make it the day before' and 'don't forget the Amaretto'....)
Sleeping on it did nothing to make up my mind though.
Then I let it all sit for two weeks, including this first half post, but sitting at home with neverending November fog was getting me down. So I tried to get some progress on the DE-front.
On BambiEyes advice I asked DP 'open' questions like 'What do you need to know before we can go to Spain?' And then accept that answer and find the information the next day.
We need our medical information obviously, but I have to find out how to get that information through our system, and I think my GP can request it from the hospital and the clinic and then give it to me.
Of course my GP practice is closed this week.
So I sent my CV to my former colleague and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon.
Went for a run, did some yoga and pilates exercises. Checked my phone when I got back.
And of course the manager from that other company left a voicemail to ask if I can come for round two. Tomorrow.
Of course.
I know I should count myself lucky that companies even want to talk to me in these times with scary economic news.
But I feel scared, almost if I'm cheating. I guess part of being scared is the fear of rejection. Have to remind myself that it is not the same as getting my hopes up for a possible treatment. Work is only going to be good for me if it gets my brain into gear. Not if it is boring and making me miserable for little money. Is it bad I want to distract myself from this next mc anniversary? I don't want to remember the date, I just remember it was a Monday somewhere the end of November. And today is not a Monday so no being sad.
Ahhh, I better return that phonecall. And as a treat I'm going shopping with my mother. In an hour so I better get going!
-interactive tv has many shapes and forms. When tv enters your house through your internet connection, then a settop box and then onto your screen it is possible to mix with internet features. Like a list of programs on your screen. And then you can use your remote to select a program, get more info about it or just watch it. You could press pause, forward, backward or record.
Combines nicely with internet 'missed program' options and renting a movie. According to Wiki in the US this is like Hulu and Hulu+
Future options could be that you can buy something when it is advertised.
Hot topic apparently, as a weekly magazine just ran an article about it.
- contacted a former colleague who worked for the company I'm talking with. He came over for dinner, told us he now has the job of our former boss and offered me a job in his team, quite different from the work I did before in that team.
I think this is called networking? I find it confusing. (Although I'm happy with the tips he gave to improve our tiramisu, like 'make it the day before' and 'don't forget the Amaretto'....)
Sleeping on it did nothing to make up my mind though.
Then I let it all sit for two weeks, including this first half post, but sitting at home with neverending November fog was getting me down. So I tried to get some progress on the DE-front.
On BambiEyes advice I asked DP 'open' questions like 'What do you need to know before we can go to Spain?' And then accept that answer and find the information the next day.
We need our medical information obviously, but I have to find out how to get that information through our system, and I think my GP can request it from the hospital and the clinic and then give it to me.
Of course my GP practice is closed this week.
So I sent my CV to my former colleague and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon.
Went for a run, did some yoga and pilates exercises. Checked my phone when I got back.
And of course the manager from that other company left a voicemail to ask if I can come for round two. Tomorrow.
Of course.
I know I should count myself lucky that companies even want to talk to me in these times with scary economic news.
But I feel scared, almost if I'm cheating. I guess part of being scared is the fear of rejection. Have to remind myself that it is not the same as getting my hopes up for a possible treatment. Work is only going to be good for me if it gets my brain into gear. Not if it is boring and making me miserable for little money. Is it bad I want to distract myself from this next mc anniversary? I don't want to remember the date, I just remember it was a Monday somewhere the end of November. And today is not a Monday so no being sad.
Ahhh, I better return that phonecall. And as a treat I'm going shopping with my mother. In an hour so I better get going!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
round one
It was a funny interview. Gezellig I would say in Dutch, pleasant. Hardly about work, more kind of general. What kind of person I am. How I communicate. If the holes in my CV were a mistake.
It is a permanent position though, not a contracting role like I've been used to for the last 10 years. Not sure how much restraints that will cause. When the time is right I want (need) to be able to go to a clinic in whichever country I decide to go to. But that doesn't seem the kind of question to ask in a first round.... And also not the best reason to not want a job at all.
Second interview will be about work, with the department manager.
Maybe then, if they still want me I can suggest a 32 hour contract. Gives me room for BambiEyes and maybe if I do work a whole (or half) day extra I can save those hours for more days off when I need them.
But before then I need to find out what on earth interactive television is.
It is a permanent position though, not a contracting role like I've been used to for the last 10 years. Not sure how much restraints that will cause. When the time is right I want (need) to be able to go to a clinic in whichever country I decide to go to. But that doesn't seem the kind of question to ask in a first round.... And also not the best reason to not want a job at all.
Second interview will be about work, with the department manager.
Maybe then, if they still want me I can suggest a 32 hour contract. Gives me room for BambiEyes and maybe if I do work a whole (or half) day extra I can save those hours for more days off when I need them.
But before then I need to find out what on earth interactive television is.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Little things
I was away for a few days.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.
Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.
BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.
The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.
When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.
A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites
Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.
Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.
BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.
The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.
When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.
A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites
Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.
Friday, October 14, 2011
must keep going
The visit was lovely. It was nice that it was just SIL and me, and my nephew did everything right, was even awake so he could see me. I was happy to hold him, and he was happy in my arms. So so small. And cute. It was nice to be able to feel what it is we all want. That sometimes this dream comes true. And that it is worth dreaming...
SIL did everything to include me and my feelings, I was almost embarrassed. She even said she realised that her belly at the beach would have been quite a confrontation for me. She deserves a prize.
Things didn't go so smoothly between DP and me. BambiEyes pointed out a lot of things I could say.
I could have said I was grateful for DP holding me while I cried last week. Accepting me being sad.
I could have said I was unhappy he promised to call but didn't, that it makes me feel forgotten and unimportant.
I could have said I got library books on gamete donation for him to read, that that is important to me.
I could have mentioned the #3 homework: we are allowed to disagree. we should try it sometime. and who knows, maybe share our feelings.
I'm frustrated with myself that I know all these things but it is still so hard to put them into words. BambiEyes says I've come a long way in connecting with my feelings. That if I find it hard to say certain things I can make little cheat-cards with nice questions/statements.
Eg, if I feel like screaming "why don't you ever listen"
(-but stop myself, knowing this is not constructive-)
I might say "I would like to talk, when is a good time for you?
Geez, DP even said this week I should book a meeting with him, then I would get my time.....
I'm starting to wonder if that really wasn't a joke.
All this frustration starts to feel like a knot in my stomach again. I keep relaxing my shoulders, but they keep creeping up constantly. And my main instinct remains to run away. Depending on how angry I am I want to take care of other people (I'll mow your lawn!! Let me bake you a pumpkin pie!) or disappear, have a different life (travel the TransSiberia Express with a lover, or work in an african orphanage)
Family legend has it that my Grandma used to pack a suitcase full of shoes every time she was angry. I so understand that....
SIL did everything to include me and my feelings, I was almost embarrassed. She even said she realised that her belly at the beach would have been quite a confrontation for me. She deserves a prize.
Things didn't go so smoothly between DP and me. BambiEyes pointed out a lot of things I could say.
I could have said I was grateful for DP holding me while I cried last week. Accepting me being sad.
I could have said I was unhappy he promised to call but didn't, that it makes me feel forgotten and unimportant.
I could have said I got library books on gamete donation for him to read, that that is important to me.
I could have mentioned the #3 homework: we are allowed to disagree. we should try it sometime. and who knows, maybe share our feelings.
I'm frustrated with myself that I know all these things but it is still so hard to put them into words. BambiEyes says I've come a long way in connecting with my feelings. That if I find it hard to say certain things I can make little cheat-cards with nice questions/statements.
Eg, if I feel like screaming "why don't you ever listen"
(-but stop myself, knowing this is not constructive-)
I might say "I would like to talk, when is a good time for you?
Geez, DP even said this week I should book a meeting with him, then I would get my time.....
I'm starting to wonder if that really wasn't a joke.
All this frustration starts to feel like a knot in my stomach again. I keep relaxing my shoulders, but they keep creeping up constantly. And my main instinct remains to run away. Depending on how angry I am I want to take care of other people (I'll mow your lawn!! Let me bake you a pumpkin pie!) or disappear, have a different life (travel the TransSiberia Express with a lover, or work in an african orphanage)
Family legend has it that my Grandma used to pack a suitcase full of shoes every time she was angry. I so understand that....
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'm going
And then, five days after my last post, May asked how the homework went.
Oops.
Ahem.
And I realised I had managed about one and a half point of it. I'd started telling DP the same day, but halfway explaining how difficult I found it to be sad/happy I choked up. DP froze like a deer in the headlights, so very silent he scared me. I crawled on his lap and cried, was comforted by him holding me tight, but he still didn't say anything. I finally asked if he understood anything of what I was saying and he said yes. Later he said he could make the call for me, which I gratefully accepted.
But he didn't call.
On Tuesday I called a cousin who lives in the same city as SIL. He was happy to be my back up plan if I would go visit there, and even suggested the famous (Dutch) line 'I'll be in the neighbourhood anyway'
But I didn't call SIL.
Yesterday DP called his brother, made arrangements to visit on Friday afternoon when he knows I can't be there and didn't breathe a word about me.
HB suggested that DP avoids confrontation as much as I do.
So
this morning I figured I'd bite the bullet and go visit on my own. Today is my last chance for the next two weeks. I dialled, got voicemail, left my message and number and went for a run. My SIL called back, saying she was very happy I called and would love to have me for a visit this afternoon. Said she understands it could be difficult for me but I don't have to hide from her.
And the good news is it will be just her, me and the baby and I'm free to leave anytime I want or need. I can hardly believe people would still like me as a visitor.
Phew.
Relieved, bit excited, bit scared and a bit proud of myself too.
Oops.
Ahem.
And I realised I had managed about one and a half point of it. I'd started telling DP the same day, but halfway explaining how difficult I found it to be sad/happy I choked up. DP froze like a deer in the headlights, so very silent he scared me. I crawled on his lap and cried, was comforted by him holding me tight, but he still didn't say anything. I finally asked if he understood anything of what I was saying and he said yes. Later he said he could make the call for me, which I gratefully accepted.
But he didn't call.
On Tuesday I called a cousin who lives in the same city as SIL. He was happy to be my back up plan if I would go visit there, and even suggested the famous (Dutch) line 'I'll be in the neighbourhood anyway'
But I didn't call SIL.
Yesterday DP called his brother, made arrangements to visit on Friday afternoon when he knows I can't be there and didn't breathe a word about me.
HB suggested that DP avoids confrontation as much as I do.
So
this morning I figured I'd bite the bullet and go visit on my own. Today is my last chance for the next two weeks. I dialled, got voicemail, left my message and number and went for a run. My SIL called back, saying she was very happy I called and would love to have me for a visit this afternoon. Said she understands it could be difficult for me but I don't have to hide from her.
And the good news is it will be just her, me and the baby and I'm free to leave anytime I want or need. I can hardly believe people would still like me as a visitor.
Phew.
Relieved, bit excited, bit scared and a bit proud of myself too.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Homework from BambiEyes
That was an intense session with BambiEyes.
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad. ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...
BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...
Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad. ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...
BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...
Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)
Pfffft, so many different things (that hurt)
And then everything seems to happen at once. This weekend DP's parents are staying with us because their house is without kitchen due to renovations. We don't have a real guest room so we have to shuffle with mattresses. (And I don't fancy sleeping in the boys' bunk bed)
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*
We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*
Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)
*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.
HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*
We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*
Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)
*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.
HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.
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