Little things

I was away for a few days.
The very first evening someone was cracking cynical jokes about infertility. I felt rotten. After a bad night I walked up to him and told him that he couldn't know, but he had hurt me. That I wanted to be away from infertility. He apologised, told me it was his way of dealing with his own infertility. He wanted to tell me more, but I was choking up, tears were escaping and I needed to get away.
It worked though, not another word about IF. And I felt stronger for it.

Then I came back. DP had texted he missed me, and held me tight. He looked at me and said he was so happy to pick up the kids.
Felt like a knife in my heart.

BambiEyes cancelled our appointment because she was sick. We rescheduled for next Friday so I hope it's just a simple cold or something.

The weekend was well spent: Saturday we took the tandem for a spin again, Sunday we exercised in the park together. Finally I felt connected with DP again.

When my mother came over for a cup of tea and complained about my brother and how she hasn't seen the grandchildren since May, I felt my old obligation to make peace for everyone (Avoid Conflict or Confrontation). But I don't know what their problem is, and I have no illusion I can make a difference. And I'm fine not being an intimate part of his new family. Maybe it is not so kind of me to think that he is the one that emigrated and therefore it's up to him to decide what kind of contact he wants to maintain.

A friend sent me a link to an IF workshop. Target audience: people who will definitively not have biological children. Title: Together, going on.
It sounds very interesting, if not confrontational, about dealing with grief and life without children.
Just the bitter irony of going to a 'together' workshop alone .... it bites

Last and least: tomorrow I have a job interview for a company that claims to be the biggest company in the Netherlands in the work I do. And I didn't even know they did. Not sure they want to hire me as a contractor though. But it was their recruitment that asked me. Just hope it will be a conversation about work, and not about what I've been doing all summer.

must keep going

The visit was lovely. It was nice that it was just SIL and me, and my nephew did everything right, was even awake so he could see me. I was happy to hold him, and he was happy in my arms. So so small. And cute. It was nice to be able to feel what it is we all want. That sometimes this dream comes true. And that it is worth dreaming...
SIL did everything to include me and my feelings, I was almost embarrassed. She even said she realised that her belly at the beach would have been quite a confrontation for me. She deserves a prize.

Things didn't go so smoothly between DP and me. BambiEyes pointed out a lot of things I could say.
I could have said I was grateful for DP holding me while I cried last week. Accepting me being sad.
I could have said I was unhappy he promised to call but didn't, that it makes me feel forgotten and unimportant.
I could have said I got library books on gamete donation for him to read, that that is important to me.
I could have mentioned the #3 homework: we are allowed to disagree. we should try it sometime. and who knows, maybe share our feelings.

I'm frustrated with myself that I know all these things but it is still so hard to put them into words. BambiEyes says I've come a long way in connecting with my feelings. That if I find it hard to say certain things I can make little cheat-cards with nice questions/statements.
Eg, if I feel like screaming "why don't you ever listen"
(-but stop myself, knowing this is not constructive-)
I might say "I would like to talk, when is a good time for you?

Geez, DP even said this week I should book a meeting with him, then I would get my time.....
I'm starting to wonder if that really wasn't a joke.
All this frustration starts to feel like a knot in my stomach again. I keep relaxing my shoulders, but they keep creeping up constantly. And my main instinct remains to run away. Depending on how angry I am I want to take care of other people (I'll mow your lawn!! Let me bake you a pumpkin pie!) or disappear, have a different life (travel the TransSiberia Express with a lover, or work in an african orphanage)
Family legend has it that my Grandma used to pack a suitcase full of shoes every time she was angry. I so understand that....

I'm going

And then, five days after my last post, May asked how the homework went.
Oops.
Ahem.
And I realised I had managed about one and a half point of it. I'd started telling DP the same day, but halfway explaining how difficult I found it to be sad/happy I choked up. DP froze like a deer in the headlights, so very silent he scared me. I crawled on his lap and cried, was comforted by him holding me tight, but he still didn't say anything. I finally asked if he understood anything of what I was saying and he said yes. Later he said he could make the call for me, which I gratefully accepted.

But he didn't call.

On Tuesday I called a cousin who lives in the same city as SIL. He was happy to be my back up plan if I would go visit there, and even suggested the famous (Dutch) line 'I'll be in the neighbourhood anyway'

But I didn't call SIL.

Yesterday DP called his brother, made arrangements to visit on Friday afternoon when he knows I can't be there and didn't breathe a word about me.
HB suggested that DP avoids confrontation as much as I do.

So

this morning I figured I'd bite the bullet and go visit on my own. Today is my last chance for the next two weeks. I dialled, got voicemail, left my message and number and went for a run. My SIL called back, saying she was very happy I called and would love to have me for a visit this afternoon. Said she understands it could be difficult for me but I don't have to hide from her.
And the good news is it will be just her, me and the baby and I'm free to leave anytime I want or need. I can hardly believe people would still like me as a visitor.
Phew.
Relieved, bit excited, bit scared and a bit proud of myself too.

Homework from BambiEyes

That was an intense session with BambiEyes.
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad.  ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...

BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...

Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)

Pfffft, so many different things (that hurt)

And then everything seems to happen at once. This weekend DP's parents are staying with us because their house is without kitchen due to renovations. We don't have a real guest room so we have to shuffle with mattresses. (And I don't fancy sleeping in the boys' bunk bed)
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*

We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*

Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)

*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.



HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.

Do not hesitate for further doubt.

Late August I did send my first email to Spain and it looked like this:

Dear international coordinator,

would it be possible to share some more information with me about selecting a donor and how the matching process works?
I know the most common things that people look for are hair and eye color, but would it be possible to indicate that I would find a university level education more important? And that everyone on both my partners and my family are tall and slender with low BMI (19-22)? What could you tell us about personality and skills?

My other concern is about a donor sibling registry. I do understand the donor remains anonymous by law in Spain, but what are the rules when it comes to donor siblings? Would it be possible after 16 years to organise sibling contact if they wish? Is it allowed to know if there are any donor siblings?

A week later a got this reply:

Dear Madam,

Thank you for you email. Sorry for the late reply. The clinic was closed for annual vacation.
Here are informations about how we select our donors. Of course, as you know, we look for donors whose physical characterics are similars to yours (hair, texture, skin, eye colour, race, heigh, weight, bloodtype). The potential donors have to undergo a series of interviews and then several screenings (medical, gynaecological, toxicological, genetic, etc.).
Murcia is not a big capital, but is a university town. Most of our donors are young students. The average age is around 22 and 25 years old.
As the donation is totally anonymous in Spain, you won't be allowed to know neither the donor's identity nor the potential siblings.

I hope I've answered your questions. Do not hesitate for further doubt.

Best regards and have a nice day!
(name deleted)
International coordination
IMFER

The answer to the sibling registry is a loud and clear NO to me. The answer to selecting and matching? very implicit to me. I meant selecting a donor for me, not the screening before someone can be a donor. I'm thinking that one will never have a perfect match and therefore choices will have to be made. My hair was straight for 30 years, then decided to curl. While this may be a sort of unique genetic feature I don't actually care much, whereas a higher education (or other indication of genius ;-) does matter to me more.
DP was disappointed, he expected us to go through some kind of donor photo album.  

The scientist in me balks at "the average .. is .. 22 and 25.." An average is one value!!! My inner linguist-peace keeper comes in with "most of our donors are students, aged between 22 and 25"

But I keep being baffled by the punchline "Do not hesitate for further doubt" What did she think in Spanish for it to come out this way?! She could not possibly mean 'feel free to doubt anything I just said' or 'doubt yourself more, quickly' or 'do not hesitate, come to our clinic quickly before you get any further doubts'
(maybe my inner linguist is a sulky teenager having fun here)

Looking forward to your interpretation of this gem

low

In between everything happening I had an appointment with the family doctor to ask about hair loss and thyroid on Sweet G's advice.
The very first thing my doctor said was "Menopause of course! Don't you know that hair loss is a common side effect?" Erhmm, well, I hadn't stopped and thought about that, no.
But she didn't hesitate to send me for a blood test and liberally ticked boxes on the form.
The results are all in now (some took longer than others)

TSH - T4 good, so thyroid is fine.
Hb - 7.3 just below normal
MCV/MCH/MCHC
Folic acid
Vitamin B12
Ferritin  

are all low. All these results together point to iron deficiency anaemia so I'm to take vitamins for three months to help against the hair loss (I have started those last week) and she will fax my iron tablet prescription to the pharmacy today. 45 to begin with, 2 to 3 tablets per day. Less if constipation becomes a problem.Call back when I'm done. She advised to drink lots of water. At least the vitamin-supplements will keep the fun in bathroom visits: fluorescent yellow

Useless

That was one useless appointment at the clinic. After acknowledging that plan D wasn't happening the doctor asked us: "...and now what? " Hello?! that is my blogname. No we don't have another Dutch donor. Well, then, she couldn't help us. No, the clinic did not know anything about Belgium or Spain. No experience nor collaboration, nothing. She told us there is information to be found on the www.
Putting things on their heads or what?! I mean, yes of course, some people do their own research on the web, educate themselves and discuss it with their doctor, but old fashioned me was hoping the doctor would have at least an inkling of what is best for me?
DP agreed it was a very disappointing meeting. He was in fact so disappointed he didn't want to go back to work and suggested we dropped by HB, who had been up all night working and was at home.
As an outlet for all our frustration we attacked the foot-long grass, cutting it into submission. Although the battle is not yet won we recovered at least 7 apples.

 Sweet G, you are right in observing that DP and I have learned to talk and share better than before. I guess I have learned that we both find it hard and process things our own way. Right now I'm worried about DP checking age limits, pointing out to me we don't have to hurry into anything within 8 months. But I'm hoping that once he has that established we can decide on our own timeline. (the doctor did say that pregnancy is harder for older bodies to adapt to)

And yes Fran, I will start doing more homework on clinics ;-) . I hope DP will get involved with the questions when we start getting some answers and that at some stage we feel a bit in control again.
Have a good weekend dears.

Stormy weather

I've been sad. Sad for me, DP, for the DE baby that isn't, for Fof. And then, of course, there is more sad news.
*The neighbours' fantastic tigercat died. He was still so young. And every time I sit down at my kitchen table I look at their window and miss him. I bought a cat-shaped-pillow-thingy for them, hoping they will put it in the window. But I haven't worked up the courage to ring their bell yet.
*HB came over to bake apple pie. And told me that the diagnosis for his mother is indeed dementia. She has been getting worse since his father's illness and he has to tell her he died almost every time they speak. He urges me to get to know my parents better, talk to them while I/they/we? still can
*I tried to get an extra appointment with BambiEyes this week, but someone in her family died and the funeral is on Friday (the only day she works in Amsterdam) I don't even know how to be sad for her too as well, don't know how to reply to that email.

Other things now. My cousin enjoyed the apple pie and was good company to listen to my plan D ending.
I bought flowers and "heart warming" tea for Fof, wrote a card, boxed two pieces of apple pie and delivered them personally last week. (and left super quickly so I could cry some more in the next street)

DP and I didn't quite make it to Belgium, the weather suddenly turned nice on Saturday so we didn't want to spend 4 hours in the car, instead we went to a village with the funny name of Babberich, Babborga square for a long walk. We didn't run into Barbapapa though ;-)
Had a very lovely dinner. I tried to get an idea of DP's feelings towards our Spanish DE plan but didn't get much out of him. He asked what the age limits are for them, if we are in a hurry now. I suppose that technically no, I'm still 39 for another 9 months. And I haven't seen any limits below 40, more often 42 and 43. I guess this means he is still processing. But my math-pixie whispers that if I don't get pregnant tomorrow I will not become a mother at 39 (math pixie takes 40th birthday - 9 months.) so that I will be an OLD mother and should start feeling old right now. Pffft. Okay, I'm not in that much of a hurry, but I still want to do something this year if possible at all.
The next day we walked in the forest. It was nice to just put one foot in front of the other, be together and not think too much. Had a pancake for lunch that was so filling we didn't need dinner anymore.

This week seems harder. I can't seem to concentrate. When I move it feels heavy. If I finally make it to the supermarket I have no idea what to buy. It seemed a big accomplishment to return three books to the library. It is taking a huge effort to write this today. I bought some vitamins that turned out to be in capsules almost one inch big and they are just so hard to swallow.
Tomorrow we have an appointment at the clinic, they sent us a letter last week. When DP saw the envelope he wondered if they want 'to rub it in'. I suppose it is decent of them to inform us of their decision / negative advice about Fof but I'm not sure I want to dwell on it. And I don't think they have much else to offer. I hope I have the focus to ask about their experience and/or collaboration with foreign clinics.

Today I bought a big bunch of flowers in perfect autumn shades for no particular reason ~ #63 from the 99 things list and tinkered with my camera settings...

Plan D: the last step

And suddenly her email popped up: The clinic strongly advised Fof against the stimulation medication, because of the risk of her depression returning. So she will not be donating her eggs.
I was so afraid this would happen. And now it did.  Plan D fell through before we even got started.
I called DP at work and he was disappointed. I think he said 'Bummer', he hadn't expected this. I decided to call my brother and cry on the phone some more. My poor brother, he didn't even know about plan D, he felt so deeply sorry for us. Then I called HB (and he sent DP home when he heard)

We had gotten used to the idea of Fof as our donor in the past 6 months, grown quite fond of her. Grown attached to the hope of this journey.
And now it is over. I can't even say that we are back where we started, we're older and sadder now, with less options.

HB is coming over today to bake apple pie, my favourite cousin will come over tomorrow to eat it (she doesn't know the news yet)
And I'm secretly grateful my parents just left for two weeks, still have to practice sharing my sadness with them. It means we can use their car and plan a little weekend away, to the Belgian Ardennes. Stomp up a hill, eat nice food with lovely beer for DP (and who knows ~talk about plan E).