Pfffft, so many different things (that hurt)

And then everything seems to happen at once. This weekend DP's parents are staying with us because their house is without kitchen due to renovations. We don't have a real guest room so we have to shuffle with mattresses. (And I don't fancy sleeping in the boys' bunk bed)
On Sunday at the beach we ran into DP's brother and his very pregnant wife. I had managed to avoid the belly up till then. Yesterday he called to announce the birth of their second son. DP wants to visit this weekend. (Hello, your parents are here, remember?!?)
Next weekend his kids will stay 5 days, autumn break. Could I please babysit on the Monday afternoon, because DP has a meeting that cannot be rescheduled? Hello?!? What?
Why did he pick those days then? Why not pick the Thursday and Friday while I'm away?*

We also received the twin birth announcement card of my childhood neighbour. I was trying to picture holding two babies and just broke down. Why does everyone have two children? DP himself, my brother, his brother...while I was the first to want it?*

Yesterday I showed some online South African egg donor profiles to DP. They show childhood pictures of the donors, or sometimes of their children.
Then I showed him a picture of me at the age of 5. The only thing DP said was that it is very hard to recognise me. (He is right, and HB said the same thing)

*BTW, rationally I know the answers to these questions, I just need to vent. I'm a bit disappointed that after 3 years of infertility and 2 years of therapy it still hurts. (yes, you can slap me) Disappointed that DP and I don't have a real plan at this moment. I know it is only 4 weeks after Fof's news, only 3 weeks after that disappointing clinic appointment. I know that for the past two weeks DP has had to replace his boss and he takes the extra workload very seriously.



HB says about his mother:"The lights are on, but nobody's home".
My heart breaks for him every time.
Yesterday she had an MRI, and it confirmed the dementia diagnosis.
I wish I could wrap my arms around him and take away the pain.
I wish someone would wrap me up and make it all go away.
Oh well, this afternoon BambiEyes again. See if I can cram all this in 45 minutes.

Do not hesitate for further doubt.

Late August I did send my first email to Spain and it looked like this:

Dear international coordinator,

would it be possible to share some more information with me about selecting a donor and how the matching process works?
I know the most common things that people look for are hair and eye color, but would it be possible to indicate that I would find a university level education more important? And that everyone on both my partners and my family are tall and slender with low BMI (19-22)? What could you tell us about personality and skills?

My other concern is about a donor sibling registry. I do understand the donor remains anonymous by law in Spain, but what are the rules when it comes to donor siblings? Would it be possible after 16 years to organise sibling contact if they wish? Is it allowed to know if there are any donor siblings?

A week later a got this reply:

Dear Madam,

Thank you for you email. Sorry for the late reply. The clinic was closed for annual vacation.
Here are informations about how we select our donors. Of course, as you know, we look for donors whose physical characterics are similars to yours (hair, texture, skin, eye colour, race, heigh, weight, bloodtype). The potential donors have to undergo a series of interviews and then several screenings (medical, gynaecological, toxicological, genetic, etc.).
Murcia is not a big capital, but is a university town. Most of our donors are young students. The average age is around 22 and 25 years old.
As the donation is totally anonymous in Spain, you won't be allowed to know neither the donor's identity nor the potential siblings.

I hope I've answered your questions. Do not hesitate for further doubt.

Best regards and have a nice day!
(name deleted)
International coordination
IMFER

The answer to the sibling registry is a loud and clear NO to me. The answer to selecting and matching? very implicit to me. I meant selecting a donor for me, not the screening before someone can be a donor. I'm thinking that one will never have a perfect match and therefore choices will have to be made. My hair was straight for 30 years, then decided to curl. While this may be a sort of unique genetic feature I don't actually care much, whereas a higher education (or other indication of genius ;-) does matter to me more.
DP was disappointed, he expected us to go through some kind of donor photo album.  

The scientist in me balks at "the average .. is .. 22 and 25.." An average is one value!!! My inner linguist-peace keeper comes in with "most of our donors are students, aged between 22 and 25"

But I keep being baffled by the punchline "Do not hesitate for further doubt" What did she think in Spanish for it to come out this way?! She could not possibly mean 'feel free to doubt anything I just said' or 'doubt yourself more, quickly' or 'do not hesitate, come to our clinic quickly before you get any further doubts'
(maybe my inner linguist is a sulky teenager having fun here)

Looking forward to your interpretation of this gem

low

In between everything happening I had an appointment with the family doctor to ask about hair loss and thyroid on Sweet G's advice.
The very first thing my doctor said was "Menopause of course! Don't you know that hair loss is a common side effect?" Erhmm, well, I hadn't stopped and thought about that, no.
But she didn't hesitate to send me for a blood test and liberally ticked boxes on the form.
The results are all in now (some took longer than others)

TSH - T4 good, so thyroid is fine.
Hb - 7.3 just below normal
MCV/MCH/MCHC
Folic acid
Vitamin B12
Ferritin  

are all low. All these results together point to iron deficiency anaemia so I'm to take vitamins for three months to help against the hair loss (I have started those last week) and she will fax my iron tablet prescription to the pharmacy today. 45 to begin with, 2 to 3 tablets per day. Less if constipation becomes a problem.Call back when I'm done. She advised to drink lots of water. At least the vitamin-supplements will keep the fun in bathroom visits: fluorescent yellow

Useless

That was one useless appointment at the clinic. After acknowledging that plan D wasn't happening the doctor asked us: "...and now what? " Hello?! that is my blogname. No we don't have another Dutch donor. Well, then, she couldn't help us. No, the clinic did not know anything about Belgium or Spain. No experience nor collaboration, nothing. She told us there is information to be found on the www.
Putting things on their heads or what?! I mean, yes of course, some people do their own research on the web, educate themselves and discuss it with their doctor, but old fashioned me was hoping the doctor would have at least an inkling of what is best for me?
DP agreed it was a very disappointing meeting. He was in fact so disappointed he didn't want to go back to work and suggested we dropped by HB, who had been up all night working and was at home.
As an outlet for all our frustration we attacked the foot-long grass, cutting it into submission. Although the battle is not yet won we recovered at least 7 apples.

 Sweet G, you are right in observing that DP and I have learned to talk and share better than before. I guess I have learned that we both find it hard and process things our own way. Right now I'm worried about DP checking age limits, pointing out to me we don't have to hurry into anything within 8 months. But I'm hoping that once he has that established we can decide on our own timeline. (the doctor did say that pregnancy is harder for older bodies to adapt to)

And yes Fran, I will start doing more homework on clinics ;-) . I hope DP will get involved with the questions when we start getting some answers and that at some stage we feel a bit in control again.
Have a good weekend dears.

Stormy weather

I've been sad. Sad for me, DP, for the DE baby that isn't, for Fof. And then, of course, there is more sad news.
*The neighbours' fantastic tigercat died. He was still so young. And every time I sit down at my kitchen table I look at their window and miss him. I bought a cat-shaped-pillow-thingy for them, hoping they will put it in the window. But I haven't worked up the courage to ring their bell yet.
*HB came over to bake apple pie. And told me that the diagnosis for his mother is indeed dementia. She has been getting worse since his father's illness and he has to tell her he died almost every time they speak. He urges me to get to know my parents better, talk to them while I/they/we? still can
*I tried to get an extra appointment with BambiEyes this week, but someone in her family died and the funeral is on Friday (the only day she works in Amsterdam) I don't even know how to be sad for her too as well, don't know how to reply to that email.

Other things now. My cousin enjoyed the apple pie and was good company to listen to my plan D ending.
I bought flowers and "heart warming" tea for Fof, wrote a card, boxed two pieces of apple pie and delivered them personally last week. (and left super quickly so I could cry some more in the next street)

DP and I didn't quite make it to Belgium, the weather suddenly turned nice on Saturday so we didn't want to spend 4 hours in the car, instead we went to a village with the funny name of Babberich, Babborga square for a long walk. We didn't run into Barbapapa though ;-)
Had a very lovely dinner. I tried to get an idea of DP's feelings towards our Spanish DE plan but didn't get much out of him. He asked what the age limits are for them, if we are in a hurry now. I suppose that technically no, I'm still 39 for another 9 months. And I haven't seen any limits below 40, more often 42 and 43. I guess this means he is still processing. But my math-pixie whispers that if I don't get pregnant tomorrow I will not become a mother at 39 (math pixie takes 40th birthday - 9 months.) so that I will be an OLD mother and should start feeling old right now. Pffft. Okay, I'm not in that much of a hurry, but I still want to do something this year if possible at all.
The next day we walked in the forest. It was nice to just put one foot in front of the other, be together and not think too much. Had a pancake for lunch that was so filling we didn't need dinner anymore.

This week seems harder. I can't seem to concentrate. When I move it feels heavy. If I finally make it to the supermarket I have no idea what to buy. It seemed a big accomplishment to return three books to the library. It is taking a huge effort to write this today. I bought some vitamins that turned out to be in capsules almost one inch big and they are just so hard to swallow.
Tomorrow we have an appointment at the clinic, they sent us a letter last week. When DP saw the envelope he wondered if they want 'to rub it in'. I suppose it is decent of them to inform us of their decision / negative advice about Fof but I'm not sure I want to dwell on it. And I don't think they have much else to offer. I hope I have the focus to ask about their experience and/or collaboration with foreign clinics.

Today I bought a big bunch of flowers in perfect autumn shades for no particular reason ~ #63 from the 99 things list and tinkered with my camera settings...

Plan D: the last step

And suddenly her email popped up: The clinic strongly advised Fof against the stimulation medication, because of the risk of her depression returning. So she will not be donating her eggs.
I was so afraid this would happen. And now it did.  Plan D fell through before we even got started.
I called DP at work and he was disappointed. I think he said 'Bummer', he hadn't expected this. I decided to call my brother and cry on the phone some more. My poor brother, he didn't even know about plan D, he felt so deeply sorry for us. Then I called HB (and he sent DP home when he heard)

We had gotten used to the idea of Fof as our donor in the past 6 months, grown quite fond of her. Grown attached to the hope of this journey.
And now it is over. I can't even say that we are back where we started, we're older and sadder now, with less options.

HB is coming over today to bake apple pie, my favourite cousin will come over tomorrow to eat it (she doesn't know the news yet)
And I'm secretly grateful my parents just left for two weeks, still have to practice sharing my sadness with them. It means we can use their car and plan a little weekend away, to the Belgian Ardennes. Stomp up a hill, eat nice food with lovely beer for DP (and who knows ~talk about plan E).

Stories from down under

27 I was, and I thought it was a good idea to move to the other side of the world, the under side. Made some friends who kept looking at me and smiling, saying I should really meet a Spanish friend of theirs because we had so much in common: the way we looked, moved, same sense of humor, the way we laughed... But I never got around to meeting her.

Four years later, traveling through Argentina, the waterfalls. An older couple approached me. They didn't speak English, my Spanish was too limited so we settled on French. A bit surreal. They told me they were from Spain and had a daughter just like me. I told them I was traveling around the world. As I spoke I could see their faces light up, their daughter was traveling too and they missed her. All those similarities, even my voice sounded the same. They were reassured by seeing me happy and healthy, it was easier now for them, as if they'd had a glimpse of their daughter...

On my stop over in Chile the street sellers approached me in Spanish. If only I hadn't been so clumsy with numbers (their pesetas go by thousands at the time!) I could have gotten much lower prices, they tripled their price when 'converting' to dollars... I believe that in most countries tourists stick out like an alien species and are treated as such, so in Chile I didn't expect to blend in, such a long way from home.

Do you have any look-alike adventures?

With these experiences in mind I've been pondering to start gathering information from Spanish clinics. The first email has been sent! It would be nice to feel like fitting right in....
And it would be so nice if this kept the possible disappointment of Fof maybe not accepted as donor at bay. Somewhere in September we should know.

What if

What if September would be the last step of Fof's DE journey?

Does it matter at which point the journey stops? -- when there is a myriad of ways it can go wrong....

I need to keep believing I can handle the end of the road. Even though I know I have a back up plan, I still want this to work.

Hair Loss

I'm at home. Trying to keep my sanity. It is my full time job since April this year. Waiting for news, hoping for good news.
My body lets me know it is hard work: little aches and pains,visual aura-without-migraine, small signs of stress. And yes, the latest thing is hair loss. I have quite a lot of hair, and always seem to lose it (this really long one here in the spaghetti, yes sorry, that is mine too, and the shower will not be mentioned)
But recently even my cleaning lady suggested I should go see a doctor about it. Geez, it's only hair. It doesn't seem important enough to see a doctor for when there is still more than plenty on my head. (Even though seeing my doctor is free) And I keep thinking that soon I'll be further along the DE journey, and I'll be happier and have less stress. (Oops, even to me that sounds a bit naive now)
It's just hard to realise that this is all part of my life. That this is happening to me. That I can spend days thinking I want to write a letter to Fof, trying to boost her into not becoming depressed for me but this is all I come up with:

If we even get past the first hurdle of her being accepted as a donor it doesn't mean smooth sailing from then on. The stimulation may be too much to continue, it may be too little to work. Follicles could grow too fast, too slow. Timing of the trigger could be wrong, there isn't always an egg in every follicle.
Not every egg gets fertilised. Not every embryo divides. Not every dividing embryo stays alive till transfer. There could be something good enough to freeze, but maybe not. If we make it to transfer I have 25-ish percent chance of getting pregnant(?) If we get to the second line I have 25% chance or more of miscarrying.
FET gives about 10% as a leftover bonus chance.
But whatever happens it stops happening to Fof after retrieval.
I guess to me having a double digit chance is so much more than before that it makes me hopeful. Not optimistic (lost my optimism when my 34th birthday rolled around and we still weren't starting TTC) but hopeful.
Much better than January. Made the mistake of looking at old posts. Sometimes it helps to know I'm a bit better now, but today, well today the here and now is all I can handle. And that should be good enough for today.

Important step

Hey, this is post number 100...!
But that is not important to me. What is, is that I finally got news from Fof!
The good news is that physically she has the clinic's OK: bloodwork all looks good and her scan was approved.
The unknown part is the mental side: the clinic needs to look into research of the risk of depression caused by the hormone-stimulation-medication. For a 'certain group' of women there is a risk, so in CCC-III they probably need to verify if Fof is in that group.
She just emailed me and she sounded so disappointed, and worried for me. I emailed her back, trying to cheer her up: the good news is great news to me.
And on the depression risk, she is trying to share her happiness as a mother with me, I'm not trying to rob her of her happiness. I can do simple stuff (pay for petrol, drive, prepare a meal) but I cannot brighten her days darkened by medication. I cannot give her family time that could be sucked away by depression.
I'm glad I'm not the one having to weigh the risks in September! And I'm glad the clinic is taking her health serious. (And I'm glad I have my BambiEyes taking care of me)

The weather turned sunny here in Amsterdam, the city is full of happy gay pride visitors and till somewhere in September I've got nothing better to do than enjoy the good news....

Maybe tonight at 3 am it will all look bleak to me, but for now... celebratory cupcakes! Made when visiting my friend with the twins running and little bigfoot walking around.