Some small steps taken

Some things have taken an awfully long time.

 My laptop broke down in October. To find out if it could be repaired should have taken only two weeks, but it took more than 3 months before I had it back. Together with HB (who knows a bit about these things and found the manual) I took it apart to recover the hard disk. Thank goodness my data was not lost. But the rest doesn't seem salvageable.

Mhm, it may not sound so relevant, but it was one of those classic 'we'll call you back in two weeks, just wait and it will be alright' scenarios. Grinding on my patience and resilience. It should not have been this hard.
I have a new laptop now, a biscotti. And am comfortable blogging again!

So, what else happened in the past couple of weeks while I was thinking-but-not-blogging?

I sent an email to the hospital where I had my attempt at IVF two years ago, all nice doctors, asking how I should go about IVF with a donor. They came back to me saying they don't do DE-IVF, not even if I bring a donor.... and referred me to either the big academic hospital or some other clinic.
One step forward, one step back.
I googled the big hospital, nice website so it took me about 7 seconds to find out that 'after diagnosis is complete, the waiting list for IVF is 12 months'
Cue panic and tears. Two steps back! HB calmed me down, saying I could be proud of myself for taking the first small step, contacting my first hospital.
Next Steps are next steps. And finding a hospital or clinic is one of them.
What else? yes, I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, to ask her what she knows about DE-IVF and write a referral letter for me. (Having an appointment counts as a step, right?)
Oh and I finally have an appointment with BambiEyes again! She fell ill in October (just wait two weeks), quit her job at the end of last year (just wait two weeks), found a new place (just wait two weeks), had to find out about her training there (just wait two weeks. Grinding on my patience and resilience. It should not have been this hard! where did I write that before?!) and actually offered me 7 appointments, starting end of March, almost every Friday till she gets married in June.
I'll ask her if she can do the required psychological screening for a dutch DE-IVF. (Does this count as 7 steps?)

And the most important one? I reconnected with FoF, I popped by her place one Monday evening, we had a spontaneous chat and her offer to be an egg donor for me still stands! She welcomed the idea of meeting again for a coffee with me bringing information about it! Of course I hardly slept, and the next day at work I got no work done, but I have the brochures sorted I think.

DP read the brochures as well, and we have been talking about different aspects that we will need to agree on with the donor and her partner. DP does not yet have much of an opinion, but at least the subjects are in the back of his mind. And since we probably need to compromise with 4 adults in total it is probably easiest not to have strong opinions anyway.

Yes, I'm still scared of everything that can and will go wrong. But as Twangy said "we can't let fear be the thing that stops us". My safety net is in place, if I were to fall apart I know DP is not giving up on me (imperturbable martian), and BambiEyes and HB will help sort the pieces.

I'm also thinking about researching DE-IVF abroad. Thinking I can always pull out from a waiting list if I don't want to do it....Thank you Sweet G for your elaborate write up about your experience. Maybe it is not so hard after all to find a donor who is not completely anonymous, if you even saw pictures....

I guess most of these steps have not gone past the email stage, nothing really happened that cannot be reversed, but that will likely stay that way till the actual beginning of taking medication....
It feels though as if the journey has started.

Thank you for your comments

Thank you for all your comments on my previous post, they really helped me to get away from the place where I'd gotten stuck.

The first few days were hard. Trying to imagine getting pregnant aux naturel was so hard, at first I couldn't do it (I took two years talking myself out of that one!), it was making me so sad, finding it so unfair again. Soon after our little winter break was coming up. HB warned me to not try and discuss DE but just go and have a vacation. So we did.

DP and I went away for a few days winter sports in Sweden. It was so pretty in the snow. We went to the same place where we had our first holiday together (summer 2005) and, for those few days, we left our worries behind. Just being together. It felt good to be together. Normal. OK. No difficult conversations, no withdrawing from each other. This was a place where we had been happy before and suddenly it was easy to reconnect.
I wasn't secretly wishing things were different, I wasn't secretly disappointed (unlike our October trip to Jordan) Apparently I could not 'order' magic as a part of a holiday back then, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen now.

So, much relieved.
I can now say again that I know and believe that DP and I are OK together. That it is infertility that is making me (and us) miserable. And that I better start doing something about that.

Complex step/donor family fears

 Sooooo, January has gone.. but where?
After my last post I had 2 more in-between-jobs days that I spent with HB who was at home with the flu. Talking and feeling at ease. After that I stayed home.Feeling miserable and more depressed every day:
The total misery of not having made up my mind about wanting to go the donor egg route and create a part time step with donor family caught up with me. It felt like a load too heavy to carry, with a new audio signal for the time-bomb that it is.
Tick...
DE is a long process, it can fail in so many different ways
Tick...
with screening, I might be deemed to "not be ready with grieving my IF"
Tick...
Maybe I should just start and see how far I get?
Tick...
Don't be ridiculous, this is not some kind of game!
Tick...
would friend of friend -FoF who offered her eggs last year even remember her offer?
Tick...
if a dutch friend does not work would I really go and "buy" a South African or Russian egg?
Tick...
but if I don't, I feel I can't stay and live my current life. I'm not staying home with DP to see his kids grow up and see life pass me by. I think I would hate myself for not trying harder, would regret it for ever.


When HB listens to me he tells me I have my mind made up already, that I want a baby above all else. That it is just the other pieces of the puzzle that scare me. That I'm so scared of maybe not wanting DP to still be the father and the collateral damage that possibility may cause that I can't think straight.
I find it extremely hard to put into words what my problem is with the complex family option. One part is that the step-kids have their mother that they live with 12 out of 14 days. She is the REAL mother. And I'm not. A DE baby would have two big half-brothers (7&11 now). And again, I wouldn't be the REAL mother. What if the baby/toddler/kid or the boys want to stay together 14/14??? I feel ridiculous typing this but it is a thought/fear that hurts me deeply.
I'd be denying my baby the genetic connection that I cannot offer...
In the "easy" DE case, say if the FoF scenario would work out, there would be two small half sisters as well (4&6 now), living in my city. This way DE baby could get a glimpse of the other genetic material that runs around. It would be a miraculous sight, gratitude and pain and wonder, all because of DE/IVF.

Someone wrote that DE is considered 'cheating', or the easy way out. AS IF!!!! if only......

If I were to "purchase" an anonymous egg abroad, I would create a strange situation for my DE baby. For now I intend to raise my DE baby/family in my home country. A country that has decided that it is in the best interest of the child to find out who their donor is, in the donor registry at least. So theoretically every other child knows where their DNA comes from, or has the option to find out. The fact that the Russian clinic has half of its website in Dutch tells me this is not entirely true, but it also points out that "lots of its clients are very private" about the fact DE was involved. No wonder, if it would be illegal to do if at home, but it would be hard to track these kids down.


Oh, and on the 14th of Jan my mobile rang, if I would please come back to work some more? starting immediately please? I was too depressed to say no. Different department this time, lot less hassle, more work to actually do. (and I negotiated a tiny rate increase too) Bicycling with DP again, coffee breaks with HB. A reason to get up in the morning and to be tired at night.
So work is again my 'occupational therapy' and with my laptop still broken I find it hard to blog. Still reading though.

70

How appropriate to write my 70th post on my mothers 70th birthday. Happy Birthday mam.
She gave a ladies-only High Tea Party yesterday (in a hotel) complete with chocolate fountain - just for me, she claimed. Half of her guests knew me from when I was a baby, and all of them wanted to know how I was. I didn't want to blow the atmosphere, but neither would I tell them 'everything's fine'. So I practised telling my story in ever shorter form.
One lady, M, only ten years older than me and childless-not-by-choice then told me how she had really nice neighbours and had connected with one woman in particular because this neighbour was also c-n-b-c. The neighbour had been pregnant with twins (twice) who were stillborn (all of them). She had seemed to cope so well. Merry christmas, cheerful new years eve. And hanged herself the very first day of the new year.
Both M and I could understand somehow, that that could be too hard to keep on living, too much to bear.
I woke up at 5 AM, feeling so sad. Sad for M, sad for her neighbour, sad for the twins, sad for the husband left behind.
Made love to DP hoping to return to the land of warm, loving and living, but I still wanted to cry.

1-1-11

I'm a numbers girl and I Like today's date. As if it holds promise, a new start. New chances.
This year is the year of my big decisions -next year I'll turn 40 and that will only make things a thousand times more difficult I'm afraid.  I've even realised that not making any decisions will mean status quo, where both DP and me suffer from despair and loneliness despite living under the same roof.
So looking for a new therapist is high on my to do list. In the hope of not having the flight-from-pain reflex as my main motivator.

My new friend ( who I shall name HeartBroken anyway) is helping me to sort through the shards of my broken dream. He stops me when I'm taking on to many pieces at the same time and sometimes he comes up with wild new angles to look at the situation. Like 'why not ask DP to give up his DNA as well, to regain symmetry in your relation to the baby'. Crazy thought experiment, but amazing to feel how emotional my reactions are, and that relief was one of them. Emotions, I still have a lot to learn, but HB is making me feel safe while trying, and sometimes he even helps me explaining things to DP. Or commiserates with me when DP is being a Martian about all of this.

Wishing you good luck and wisdom for this year,
from Amsterdam with Love,
Valery

cd45 +1 = cd1 + UTI

That, plus a lingering cold and feeling down for weeks made me treat myself with two days off of work. (well, and antibiotics of course)

On the feeling down bit: I was supposed to have my next appointment with BambiEyes end of October. However, the evening before I got the cancellation and the news she was off ill. Early November she informed me she would not return to work and asked if I wanted to transfer to a colleague. Well, no thanks, not in that other city! Please transfer me back to the hospital we started? At least that is halfway between home and work.... If I could please wait till mid December...
So I'm waiting.
And work told me they will not extend my contract past the end of the year. Am mostly relieved at that, this company was only half nice, the other half women/freelance unfriendly, hypocritical and just tiresome. Now the coordinator is moaning there are not enough people for the next projects... Well, they have my number and I am not going to involve myself in that people/budget/time carnival.

Some good news too: After reaching out to a work friend of DP who was heartbroken, he and I discovered we could talk and support each other. It woke me up from the state of denial I had slipped back into. It is an amazing experience to be able to share pain, fear or sadness without someone making you feel wrong or trying to 'fix' you. Sometimes it is scary we seem to read each others (state of) mind. Talking with BFG would calm me and distract me (and make me want to start over with him). This is different : I can let the sadness flow. (And it is not half secret like the time I spend with BFG) It does make me sad, it does make me wake up at night but at least I feel something and for now I believe it helps me out of my standstill.
Mhm, not very good at nicknames today. I would feel bad for naming him heartbroken, almost like he will never recover. And Giraffe sounds silly (although he is tall and skinny enough)

And the computer store doesn't answer the phone. My two week laptop repair is now turning into two months....(if I'll ever get it back) Maybe I should just go there.
Oh, I found a letter between the unopened mail: in some countries they close bank accounts that have not been touched for 6 years....
Other not related subject: what is this Doctor doing in my Google Friend connect bar thingy? My blog isn't searchable in google search engine, only through Mel's blog list. Strange kind of spam...

Be kind to yourselves if you find this dark time of year with its holidays difficult again. My new friend has promised me that 2011 will be better.

CD 33

After my last post I thought I should check what cd I'm on, and was surprised to find that was cd21 already. (which this year had mostly been the end of it)There had been a minuscule mucuy sign a week before, followed by some activity. So -apart from no eggs that aren't even ovulating- I felt doubt creeping back in. On cd 27 I told DP that cd1 was taking longer than before, but being who he is he didn't react in any significant way.
I'm trying not to let hope creep in as well. But I haven't made myself poas to truly destroy the possibility of hope. I'll keep that for Sunday when I'm staying with a friend who will not say rational stuff DP might say (pff I can hardly bring myself to type what I don't want to hear) "but the chances weren't very high" or "does this mean your menopause is starting right now"
Otherwise I suppose that by all practical means and purposes I've given up hope: I'm not taking folic acid or any other pills, I don't even know what wheat grass is, I'm not taking temperatures, I'm not actively checking CM or what cycle day it is, and the only time for 'activity' is on the weekend, to keep DP happy. Because, well, I'm in the "it's useless anyway" stage. No Chinese magic, herbs, vitamins, dreamcatchers, moonstones, African statues on bedside tables, aura or other healers or foreign doctors. Yoga is a sport to me, no objections there.

The whole coffee/alcohol thing is a non issue for me, I never drink it anyway, can't get over the taste. You know, maybe later, when I'm all grown up and such...

3, 2, 1, 0

4 years ago I was so hoping for a baby, but DP wasn't ready yet. When his brother announced a bit later they were expecting I cried secretly.
3 years ago DP's nephew was born, we had started TTC and I was happy to see him holding his newborn nephew, thinking that soon it would be our turn.
2 years ago on nephews first birthday I sat there with a happy smug smile because I was pregnant! The more babies and toddlers the merrier.
1 year ago, I'm not quite sure now how I survived that birthday. A bit desperate, but also determined to not give up hope.
Yesterday was hard. I didn't want to be there, even if it was only 10 AM to noon, but DP insisted and I was too miserable to protest. It was supposed to be a small party because DP's SIL just came out of hospital, so it was family only.  (DP +2 kids, her one brother +2 kids, her other brother +2 kids, two sets of grandparents and 1 greatgrandmother) Small party I think not. Nephew got more toys already than my brother and me ever had in our life. It was hard to be the only childless person in the room. It was hard to admit there is only a 0,1% chance I'm pregnant right now. I don't even know my cycle days any more, my 2 week wait hardly ever gets to two weeks anyway with a cycle of around 21 days.

PCT

In daily life I work in IT, loads of computer lingo, abbreviations and project blah blah.
One person at work suggested that we do not only do flowcharts but a PCT as well. For the life of me I couldn't remember what that would be...so my younger colleague googled it... and proceeded to click on an ivf-information-link! I had to push him off his chair, closed that browser window and managed not to yell 'nooo, I have had that and it is weird and we're soo not going to do that'
So in my professional life it now means Process Cycle Test.
...Have to remember...

out of order

It doesn't say boo or bah, doesn't purr nor wink and blink, my laptop is thoroughly out of order.

There is another computer in the house, but it's DP's, in the middle of the living room and it has the new windows 7 stuff on it, big reasons stopping me from sitting down on the floor in front of it and type my heart out. I'm still thinking I will get my laptop fixed somehow, some time soon. Even if the closest certified Sony laptop support and repair center really is in London.

Might be a good excuse to visit my brother. I haven't spoken with him since he announced their second pregnancy -gee when was that, oops early September? That's almost 2 months ago! Checked with my mother, they made the 12 weeks without problem. Time seems to escape me... Am I really that stuck in the past? In the what-ifs, the would-haves?

I have to admit I still don't have the slightest idea about my future and what I want it to look like and I don't enjoy thinking about it. When the first Sinterklaas (Santa) invitation came in my immediate reaction was "Again?!" I'm just sooo not in the mood. I know December is not my first worry, but I didn't want to be reminded it is unavoidable already.

Early this year I met my neighbour from across the street, we came to speak about infertility and how she was just married and TTC for 1 year with no luck. Last week I met her again, we started talking about the sweet red kitten they got and how much fun he is. I had noticed she was up early every day, sitting around in her pyjamas and was wondering about her health. She was a bit shy but told me she was 5 months pregnant (and morning sickness from it too). Happy for her, and sort of happy, or at least relieved that my bad luck didn't jinx her... yep, what a scientist I am...

At work the guy sitting opposite me has just become a father last Monday, he hasn't been back to work yet. He's been very good throughout the pregnancy, even when things were scary he never told me unless I asked.

DP's SIL has been trying to share her secondary infertility with me. Sometimes I wonder about the trap of secondary IF. I can understand rationally that it hurts, I can relate that not many people understand what it really means (that would include me too if I'm honest) and you cannot radically change your life now that you're not going to be a mother after all. And with Twangy asking what country her readers dream of living in, I found I couldn't stop dreaming of faraway and exotic places....