Can turn off?

Sometimes this unrelenting need to bond is getting to me. Sometimes I do not enjoy being woken up by toddler fingers prying my eyes and mouth open. This week I lost my cool when Suzy still did not stop waking me up, and resorted to hitting me over the head with the tablet (Android iPad). It got me out of bed indeed, dragging her by one arm and yelling so loud DP said not too.

People tell me that since I've been through so much before Suzy that I'm bound to spoil her. As if I somehow deserve to not be a good parent? Or as if IF has given me boundless patience and empathy? I'm not a saint, still fairly human and bound to fail and learn like the next person dealing with a toddler. Plus I still need to take care of me. (and do some more teaching of boundaries ;-)

The other week Mel asked " interesting discussion on maternal instincts and mothering and ways people can be with kids and not parent.  Go read these two posts and join in the discussion."
I did not read all posts or discussions involved. But I did read Mel's commenters, thinking that would be safe. Till I got to the second one: 

"... being a parent is something you eat, sleep, and breath every day, all day and you can’t turn off. Those without children of their own can’t possibly understand what that is like, and that is not a dig, it is just the truth.
I agree that there is a way to “mother” someone without actually being a mother…much of that is simply natural instinct and love.
But if you can give the child back at the end of a day, or weekend or whatever, and turn it all off, then you cannot call yourself a parent...."

I'm still upset.I feel so excluded by this. Why does she think that a child of their own gives her insight in what is possible? in what other people cannot understand? Why can she not turn off her being a parent? Does she not have a personal brain anymore? Is she implying that since I feel different I cannot call myself a parent? or cannot call Suzy my own? (oh dear, the only one making DNA a point here is me, I'll stop immediately)

I don't know what it says about me. As a student I lived in a student room (Amsterdam University doesn't have a campus) in the attic of a family. I did regular babysitting duties, and completely fell in love with the baby born while I lived there. (little boy loved me back just the same) I could play peek-a-boo every time I came home or left the house. I think it gave me some idea how much fun I could have with a child growing up.
Maybe somewhere in that comment is a certain bitterness, that parenting isn't just the fun part?

I feel a whole heap of posts swirling in my head. But the issues are simply too big. What is Love, and what is Parenting and How is that Different.
I guess it all comes down to "I loved Suzy before she existed. Then it did hurt so much. I love Suzy now. And now the world loves her too."

Cheek to cheek

Two and a half....

Suzy is not in a hurry to use the potty herself. She has great interest in the toilet, and sneaks in when I use it. She hands me toilet paper and wants to have a look when I sit down. Squeezes her head where nobody looks. I feel her soft cheek pressing against me. Hear her excitement. I thought that it was a short thing, that she would then try it herself. But six months later nothing changed. Not even the occasional accidental wee in a potty. O well. We tried pushing her, but that only made it worse.
So that is a non milestone then.
This summer she learned to swing by herself, jump on, jump off. She can ride a tricycle and a scooter and is talking more by the week. (Mommy, my tummy so full nice lemonade, yummy!) Uses please and thank you.
Finds her favourite youtube videos and mimics the dancing. (BTW, What is the fun of unwrapping things?!!!) But still sleeps with her bum in the air, her legs and arms tucked under. I can't see her giving up the dummy anytime soon, we're restricting it to bedtime only for now. And long car rides, which are rare.
She can find the right key on the keyring and unlock my bike and the front door.
When DP kisses me goodbye on the lips she demands a similar kiss ("in the mouth!" )
She is starting to object to some clothing, why wear jeans that touch your skin if you can have a dress instead? Why isn't underwear enough anyway? She can put on her clothes by herself, close buttons, zips or velcro. I've been told that tying shoelaces isn't a toddler thing, but Suzy wants to learn! She loves hair clips, but pulls them out after approx 7 seconds. We keep her hair short for now, out of her eyes. She is loosing the strawberry blond, her hair seems darker by the month. I try to drink in the blond as much as I can.
-Weaning. I thought we were there. The last remaining feed was the early morning feed. When trying to explain that milk was for little babies and not for toddlers Suzy simply stated  it was her milk, not for other babies. Then the web suggested avoiding the situation, so in my case that meant getting up before Suzy would come and ask for milk. Since she was irregular, but early to very early, 6 or even 5 something AM I first trained her to wait for the 6:30 alarm. ding dong. Then I made sure I would get up at 6:29 and disappear in the shower. That is two months ago now, but whenever she hears the alarm she will ask for milk. No drama, she does take no for an answer, but she is a bit clingy, clearly wants to keep her bonding moment. (or depending on your point of view, toddlers seem to like to be in complete control) BambiEyes suggested finding a replacement bonding activity, for just her and me. For now I let her 'braid' my hair. And in the mornings she can come snuggle in the big bed with us. We're only half heartedly stopping her from falling asleep in the big bed at night. I'll just carry her to her Miffy bed while she sleeps.

My moon, at the seaside

Once a year my parents invite us to spend some holiday quality time with Suzy, and they love the beach. DP found a lovely 2 bedroom seaside appartment on the web:

the beach in the background is so bright you can't even see it

After GP 2 and pharmacy it was time for packing for the long weekend at the seaside. Why is it always my job to pack for Suzy? And had to pack food, drink and snacks as the appartment was away from stores. Plenty of beach clubs and restaurants though. I was so tired both of the interview and the ongoing pneumonia that it took me much longer to pack. My parents came over to help at the last minute. (DP was working and would follow with my parents' car with the big luggage) We went with our bikes in the train and cycled the last bit to sea. Verrry lucky with the weather, the last true summer weekend.
DP /google got lost on the way (next seaside town also had a road called sea-road! duh), so dinner was late. Then the restaurant was super slow, so main course was even later. Never been so glad they could serve luke warm fries for Suzy while we waited, she could dig in immediately.
Sun was setting while we walked back, and the rising full moon was visible from our bedroom window. I was a bit worried about Suzy being over-excited with the new location, but when I put her on the window sill she said: My Moon!
Mildly flabbergasted that a toddler claims the moon, I don't think it ever occured to me to think that way.

Sunset from our loggia

Toddlers wake up early:

Sunrise from bedroom

My parents let me rest during the day, even if Suzy refused to nap. She spent hours on the beach trampolines!
Saturday morning started a bit grey:

Sunday was glorious beach weather, with natural paddling pool:

 On Monday morning we went beachcombing:

and that picture does not even include a giant (sandy, dripping) soft blue stripey beach towel because I had thrown that in the laundry straight away.
On Tuesday the rain showers started rolling in, we were lucky to get to the train in a dry spell. Went home quickly and smoothly and we all took a well deserved nap.
When Suzy woke up the first thing she asked was 'can we go see grandmother and opapa again?'   I think she enjoyed the weekend and their company immensely!

Au Retard

Friday morning after the interview I went to the (second) GP to have my lungs listened at again. Better, but not good,could still hear some 'sharpness'. She asked about the hot water facilities at the French camp site, but I had no idea. Just afraid she suspects legionella. :(  On to the pharmacy to get different antibiotics, to get the a-typical bacteria as well. And the instruction to come back quickly if I didn't improve, felt sicker or short-winded. Not very reassuring.

Another week. With afternoon naps. At the seaside, more clean air for me.
Third doctor declared my lungs clean. But still repeated that if I felt more ill I should come back.

My shoulder has been sore all summer, sharp pain when lifting it, probably bursitis. Should cure itself.
I did ask if my infected and leaking root canal could have been the cause of the pneumonia, but GP3 brushed that aside saying bacteria in the mouth only cause heart problems.  I saw my dentist this morning. He reassured me there is no immediate risk, and referred me to a root canal specialist. He had treated this root canal three times in the past years and now it s time for the big guns. Well, microscope really.
I refuse to give in to this feeling that I'm falling apart, but yea, a reminder to not take your healthy body for granted. I think in the spirit of new things I will treat my zigzaggy bottom teeth to an invisalign brace. I promise that when they are straight I will floss more often ;-)

The seaside weekend is two weeks ago now, and I'm still so tired. I made plenty of lovely pictures to show you the Dutch seaside, but somehow the blog posts remain stuck in my head.
As does my mother's voice saying it takes six weeks to recover from pneumonia.